Dear Parent,

If your child doesn’t seem to fit the mold of the typical description of traumatized, attachment challenged children–sensory seeking, attention needy, shenanigan oriented, aggressive-and yet seems a little different, quiet, even withdrawn or overly compliant, you may have a befriender survivor.  Befriend is another survival mode:  Fight, Flight, Freeze, Feign Death, Befriend.

A child who spends her life in befriend survival mode is happy, charming, compliant, and seems somewhat empty, shallow, and often emotionally fragile. Befreinders slip through IEP cracks, because they do not cause problems in the classroom; however, do not let that fool you.  Our befriender children are traumatized, too.  They need support for their internalized fears, anxiety, and dissociation.

Just because those on the outside do not see that something is troubling your child doesn’t mean that what you experience is wrong.  You know when you are not able to make a solid connection.  You can feel it.  If you feel it, get your family support.  You still need it.

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.  Follow on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Therapeutic Parent Training is specially scheduled for one day–July 16th–from 9am to 5pm. We usually hold the training on two days, but this is an exception for those who cannot find time on two consecutive Saturdays to attend a training.  For more information, go to http://www.attachplace.com. Childcare provided for an additional fee. Email ce@attachplace.com to register.

Dear Parent,

When nothing works, take a breath and then another.  If you are losing your hope because all that you do feels pointless to create “good” behavior in your child, then you are the one who stopped working and started reducing your child to the dichotomy of good and bad behavior.  Only your persistent, day in, day out, consistent nurture and structure, overseen by honest awareness of the impact of adversity and trauma on the psyche of a child will work; and then, it will only work over TIME.  By time, I mean years.  Long years. If nothing is working, it is because you are pooping out on the long haul up the high hill.

You might think I am blaming you for getting tired, exasperated, exhausted, and broken.  I am not blaming.  I am being straight with you.  You are the answer to the crazy in your home.  You are the solution.  You are what works.

If you are feeling hopeless, like nothing is working, then you need to do some things differently so you do not see these persistent behaviors the way you do.  You are seeing behavior as manageable and within your control, rather than as an expression of an internal experience your child is having.  If your child is suffering from a volcano of diverse feelings, s/he is going to blow up and out, spewing cinder and lava worthy emotions everywhere.  Those expressions will scorch the earth and make grooves in your landscape you never imagined.

In the Pacific Islands, indigenous people do not seek to control the mountains jetting out of the sea. They do, however, respect the magnitude of the rumbling fury deep within. Islanders embrace the flow, and wait reverently with acceptance of the earth shuttering beneath their feet. Natives recognize the spirit of the mighty peaks pushing up and letting go the molten core that no longer remains contained by the thin layer covering the crust.

Dear sweet parent:  Get space. Get rest. Get quiet. Get real. Get over it. Get on with it. Get loved. Get hugged. Get spirited. Get your mojo back. Get help. Get perspective. Get understanding and acceptance. Get your boots on. Get ready. Get hope. Get working.

You are loved.  Love matters,

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.  Follow on Twitter @lovingradkids.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled for July 23rd from 9am to 5pm. Email Ce@attachplace.com to register.

The last day of National Foster Care Awareness Month interview with radio host Dave Weekley and Ce Eshelman, LMFT, author of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents:  Click here.

Drowning with My Hair on Fire Book Cover