Category Archives: Attachment Hope

They Do Grow Up

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Yes, they do grow up–eventually.  While I have been gone, my daughter sent me a bittersweet text. It was 12 messages long and arrived in the middle of the night.  Just like her.
She was lamenting how hard it is to be a mother with a child from difficult beginnings.  Her little 11 month old daughter has been very ill since birth; the magnitude of which is only just now sinking in for her.  Sadly, my daughter’s poor decision making led to my granddaughter’s permanent brain damage. This is a hard reality to swallow.
The bittersweet part was her profound epiphany that raising children (like her and her brother) was probably hard for me.  Her conclusion:  I don’t know how you ever did it with me.  I honestly don’t know how you did it.  You are the strongest Mom I know…and I love you with all my heart no matter how many fights we get in or how many times I say I don’t.  I always will and will never ever be able to repay you for everything you have done for me.
 
You just did, sweetheart. You just did.
And I love you, too.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Just when you think nothing matters, love does.  
Love matters.

Back Off And Balance

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If YOU have been helicopter parenting to the point where even just the sound of your voice is creating reactivity from your attachment challenged teen, back off and get some balance.  Back way off.  Let them come to you for what they need.  I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it works. When YOU give them space, and space, and space, your children come seeking contact with YOU.  Be very low key about your response.
 
Without irony, accept the overture, and be the hero:  “Sure, I will drive you to your volleyball game.”
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Let your children seek YOU. That can turn the tables.

Grieving Is A Process

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Our children grieve things they do not understand or know about.  They grieve the loss they feel in their cells for their birth mother and they grieve the loss of the imaginary perfect mother who gave them away.  They grieve getting YOU, because YOU are real and flawed and here every day. YOU don’t measure up to the fantasy, so there is the overwhelming grief that causes their rejection.
 
Your adopted child may tantrum in grief, rage in grief, cry in grief, reject in grief, defy in grief, withdraw in grief, or cling to strangers in grief.  They may do this for years.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t attaching to YOU.  It does mean they are fundamentally changed because they have this pain like dying in their guts now because they were abandoned (and some were both abandoned and abused.)  There is no worse pain on Earth for a human being than to lose connection with one’s mother forever.
 
In order to act as an attuned container of empathy for your child’s many permutations of grief, YOU will need to grieve your own idea of the perfectly loving child YOU thought you were adopting.  When that is done, YOU will be better able to “hold” the emotional depth and upheaval of your child’s grief and loss.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

When your child wants the birth mother say, “Oh my precious sweetheart, I know your heart hurts so, so much.  I will help you hold the pain. Come into my arms, my circle of love.  I am here for you, when you feel that terrible pain in your heart, in your whole being.” 

Swimming In Shame

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If you are swimming in shame, YOU need some help finding your vulnerability and compassion for yourself.  Reclaim your childhood. Shame has a tendency to well up around parenting attachment challenged children. They have difficulty accepting parenting and we have difficulty accepting that it isn’t our fault. The shame doesn’t come directly from parenting. Likely it has been there all along, from childhood.  It just gets big and overwhelming when children are added to the mix.
 
If this sounds like YOU, check out a little reading.  Brene Brown is my favorite. She has a blog (doesn’t everyone have a blog?) YOU can watch her on TED (not everyone has a TED Talk.)  Read her book.  Go to a local workshop based on her work. Join a support group based on Daring Greatly (her book.)  She is all the rage.  YOU could be part of a movement.
 
Get a little inspiration here:
 
Brene Brown on empanty
 
YOU can go to therapy, buy a workbook, find a 12-step.  What YOU probably ought to avoid?  Avoidance.
 
Because Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

YOU Still Matter.

Did YOU Come From Difficult Beginnings?

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There is a bit of an ironic truth in the therapist community that many therapists came from “difficult beginnings” and end up becoming therapists on the way to fixing themselves.  
 
Similarly, I think, many adoptive parents came from “difficult beginnings,” too. Along the way of self repair, providing a better life to an adopted child from “difficult beginnings” makes sense. Nothing wrong with that.  Actually, it is quite lovely.
 
The problem with both of these realities is that unhealed therapists and parents from difficult beginnings can find themselves in emotional disrepair as they try to be healing forces in the lives of those they care for–client or child.
 
Heal thyself.  
 
I wish I had been given, heal thyself, advice prior to adopting children so I could have done my own deep recovery before I mixed my difficult beginning with that of my children.  The result was a compounded mess of entangled traumatic material bouncing off the walls.  In my house, especially in the beginning, it was hard to say who was the most emotionally dysregulated–me or them.
 
Individuals with early trauma experience symptoms on a continuum  If you answer many of the following questions with a YES, YOU might need support for your own healing.  Plain and simple.  Heal thyself.
 
Y or N  Do you prefer to recharge your batteries by being alone rather than with other people?
Y or N  Did you need glasses at an early age?
Y or N  Do you suffer from environmental sensitivities or multiple allergies?
Y or N  Do you have migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, or fibromyalgia?
Y or N  Did you experience prenatal trauma such as intrauterine surgeries, prematurity with incubation, or traumatic events during gestation?
Y or N  Were there complications at your birth?
Y or N  Were you adopted?
Y or N  Have you had problems maintaining relationships?
Y or N  Do you have difficulty knowing what you are feeling?
Y or N  Would others describe you as more intellectual than emotional?
Y or N  Do you have disdain for people who are emotional?
Y or N  Are you particularly sensitive to cold?
Y or N  Do you often have the feeling that life is overwhelming and you don’t have the energy to deal with it?
Y or N  Do you prefer working in situations that require theoretical skills rather than people skills?
Y or N  Are you troubled by the persistent feeling that you don’t belong?
Y or N  Are you always looking for the “why” of things?
Y or N  Are you uncomfortable in groups or social situations?
Y or N  Does the world seem like a dangerous place to you?
          (Recognizing the Symptoms of Early Trauma by Laurence Heller, Ph.D.)
 
Heal thyself.  No shame.  Only love.
Because Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

YOU Matter.

Name the Shame

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When I was growing up, I am pretty sure my parents read some kind of
parenting book entitled, Shame Your Way to Perfect Children.  Or
maybe topping The New York Times best seller list for non-fiction
during those years was a blockbuster book called, Best Kept Secret
For Good Behavior: Shame Works.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  The secret is
out.

My parents weren’t bad people.  They were just doing what their
parents did. It did work pretty well. I didn’t do a whole lot of bad
stuff when I was a kid. I waited until I was away at college.  Ha.

So, shame can work with normally attached children.  However, there
is a side-effect even for attached children–lingering into adulthood
a negative core belief about self worth that often takes a lifetime
to repair. That’s me.

Shame doesn’t work at all to manage the behavior of  attachment
challenged children who have a primal wound from adoption, abuse and
neglect in the early years, or birth trauma in the early years that
gets confused with a poorly formed identity.

You know that blank look, those frozen wide-open doll eyes YOU get
from your children when you confront them on their negative
behavior–that look that implies no feeling, no care, no conscience?
You know that incredible head of steam, that incensed, indignant,
“How dare YOU” bluster they can muster to deny they had any part in
misdeeds. Those two responses are a sure fire indicator that shame is
at work just under the surface and your child is calling upon every
imaginable survival skill to push away the overwhelming experience of
shame, even if that means nonsensical lying, nonsensical denying, or
nonsensical self-silencing.

Here is the real secret.  Remove the blame, address the shame, and
attend to what lies beneath–your child’s fear of being bad, wrong,
unwanted and unlovable.  Shame of being.  How sad it that? Our
children very often feel shame about who they are–and they don’t
even know it.  Every day poor decision-making adds evidence to their
internal unconscious argument that they are rotten at the core.

As parents we can work to heal this “bad” feeling in our children.
We just have to be sure that shame is not used in a misguided attempt
to make our children feel something about their negative
behavior–remorse, sorry, sad, bad, anything except nothing.

They already feel bad enough about who they are; extra is not
required.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is
September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/993b85483b/TEST/8d3e730b6f .

Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their
own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/993b85483b/TEST/c7ac59da35 .

Commit to withholding shame and in the face of negative behavior
affirm your child’s goodness at the core.

Shake It Off

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Good Morning Fellow Parent,

Got up this morning to the usual:  Teeth, Deodorant, Zipper?  Close, but no trifecta.
 
Just have to Shake It Off with Audrey and Dad:
 
Shake It Off
 

Honestly, it has been one of those kid weeks. It’s definitely my house, because the same things happen every day, every day, every day.  Shaking it off is the only answer.  

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

 When nothing else makes sense, DANCE.

Veracity Test

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I have the cure for lying.  Yep, I have it.  You are probably wondering why I am not seriously rich then, because all parents want the cure for lying. 
 
Here it is:  Discipline Yourself.  Wha?
 
99% of all child lies are caused by parenting strategies.  I know you don’t want to believe that.  It actually might even take a paradigm shift for you to see it.
 
Through my son’s door at 6:15am I ask, “Are you up?”  
Rustling himself to his feet, he lies, “Yes.”
 
“What happened to the ten dollar bill that was on my dresser?”
My son lies, “I was getting my phone and it accidentally flew off over the back.”
 
“Have you been smoking?”
My son lies, “No.”
 
“Where have you been?”
My daughter lies, “I was just taking a walk around the block.”
 
“Did you do your chores?”
My children both lie, “Yes.”
 
There is a pattern to my parenting strategy above–the veracity test.  I almost always ask questions I know the answer to.  It is an habituated veracity test that my children fail every time.  I am like a moth to the flame. Will I be burned this time? This time? This time.  Eventually, the moth is consumed by the flame and the fire burns on.  Time after time, I am burned. “See I cannot trust you.”  I set the whole thing up.
 
Want to know something?  No child can be trusted 100%.  The part of the brain that governs truthful behavior doesn’t finish developing until the late 20’s.  Our parenting job is to shape the learning of that part of the brain. Unfortunately most parenting strategies inadvertently activate the survival part of the brain that ultimately creates a delay in the maturity of the reason part of the brain.
 
My kids come from difficult beginnings.  Underneath all their bravado, entitlement, and insatiable demands is deprivation, fear, and a felt sense that no one anywhere is safe.  They don’t consciously know this about themselves, but I do.  
 
That’s why the cure for lying is mine to take, not theirs.  I need to discipline myself to skip the veracity tests.  Why ask a fear-based, habitual liar whether they are lying or not?  Why?  The answer will always be a lie.  It has to be. They fear being rejected, in-trouble, unlovable, wrong, deprived, or caught. 
 
Tip:  Start your investigation into problem behavior with adjusted expectations. Expect fear-based lying. Give assurance. 
 
It would sound something like this: “I don’t want to scare you. You are deeply loved and special no matter what.” Give a hug. “You must really have wanted something badly to use money from my purse.  After you think about it for awhile, I would like to brainstorm with you ways to get what you want in a more honest way.”
Do we want to punish or do we want to facilitate learning?  That is the question.

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 

Back to School Blues

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I had a nice long break.  Honestly, I missed writing to YOU every day, and I didn’t miss writing every day.  Since I last sent you a missive, it was the stress-free days of summer and now it is back to school.  Even if your attachment challenged child is excited about the school year, you can put money on a scourge of blow outs and meltdowns because, like school or not, dysregulation is afoot.

Here are a few tips to ease you through the back to school blues:

Up the empathy for your child’s stress.  (“Awe, it’s awful to have 6 teachers you hate.  Just awful.”)

Give hurdle help. (“I’ll help you find your binder, your homework, your pencil, your deodorant, your zipper, your brain, and your shoes.”)

Be a hero for a few weeks. (“Oh, you forgot your lunch again? Sure, I will take an hour out of my morning to swing it by school before lunchtime.”)

Listen to every story with eager ears and soft eyes. (“Oh, she did? Then what? Oh, that is HILLLL-arious.”)

Have fun and chill. (Eat ice cream after school at least once a week for the first month. Even YOU might like an excuse to blow your diet.”)

Okay, that’s it for me on my first day back to YOU.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Brains Are Impacted By Adoption

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Daily YOU Time
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Love Matters
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Hello Fellow Parent,

If your child is adopted, his/her brain is NOT the same as a healthy, attached, birth child.  When we ascribe negative intention to our children’s behavior, we are sadly mistaken. Our children have special needs.  They need special dispensation regarding every day activities.  

For example:

When they take forever to get dressed…

When they will not accept your clothing choices…

When screaming is their response to “no…”

When they are charming when other’s say “no…”

When they are withdrawn and negative…

When they are outspoken and attention seeking…

When they are good at getting their way…

When they seem helpless and inadequate at every turn…

When they are controlling…

When they don’t take responsibility…

When they are irrational…

When they are black and white…

When they are clumsy…

When they insist on doing things their own way…

When they are clueless about the needs of others…

When they are self-centered…

When they hoard…

When they break everything they touch…

When they do not share…

When they share everything…

When they would go home with anyone…

When they will not let go of your hand, ever…

When they seem perpetually 2 years old…

When they act 27 years old…

…they need our understanding, compassion, and patience for their brain related specialness.

Love Matters, Ce

8/28/14 Our website is under construction right now, so you cannot get there from anywhere.  In a couple days, you can do the following if you like:
If you would like to receive daily “YOU Time” parent support emails and you have not yet signed up,  click here.
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Give your child compassion in the form of patience and understanding.  You will need to have YOU time to be able to do that.  Get it! You deserve it!  If your child has special needs, so do you.