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Love Matters Bootcamp Day 5–Empathy and Blaming
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Category Archives: Parent Self Care
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Free Trust Based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento CA
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Trauma Brain Sandwich
Some kids who have Complex Developmental Trauma are white knuckling day and night. Their need to manage every single little thing to keep themselves feeling safe takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of them. Their need for the safety that control brings to them takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of YOU, too.
Upshot: Be super sure you are getting plenty of adult respite time to play, laugh, love, and be untethered so you are not having a steady Trauma Brain Sandwich diet. YOU will starve to death otherwise.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Trauma Brain Sandwiches are all carb, no protein.
The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Time Flies, Except When It Stands Still
Time is such a relative thing. Einstein was right, I guess. (Okay, all you scientists, let me have it.) As my son approached his 18th birthday, I felt time flying by. I actually wanted to slow it down just a little so I could savor the great progress he was making just before the big day. No such luck.
Once, when I was a teenager, I was the shotgun passenger in a little aluminum-can-car that spun fiercely around in circles on a black ice highway; and then, in this weird time distortion, came to a near stop facing backward on the wrong side of the road–it seemed like I could have opened the door and stepped out–before the car side-ended over a 500 foot cliff. Every revolution of the car down the mountain-side was in slow motion; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight rolls before spearing itself on a baby pine tree growing parallel to the mountain side. We were suspended there by that spindly toothpick about 100 feet from river rocks below. The whole thing was surreal and I never thought of time the same again.
When my attachment challenged children were growing up, I experienced the relativity of time again. I felt like I was in a perpetual slow-mo Lifetime for Television movie, where time stood nearly still for 10 years. Only my wrinkles and my aging husband had any speed of note. Uh, let’s keep that between us, okay?
So, if you feel up close and personal with Einstein or whomever had that time is relative thought, take heart. Time really is relative and one day like the magic of movies it speeds up and you find that the perpetual slow-motion crash is over. YOU just need to make sure there is more than a toothpick holding you above the rocks, when it finally ends.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Slow-Mo-Life
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
I Am Stunned
Wow, I am having a jaw-dropping experience at my house and it is a long story. Sorry.
For 16 years (and counting), I have had to wake up my child from the death-grip of sleep; then wait 10 minutes and do it again; then wait 10 more minutes and do it again; and so on. To correct this frustrating habit, I have done any number of desperate things: rubbed his back, waved food under his nose, reminded him of rewards, talked ad nauseam about it in therapy, made agreements, bargained, physically roused him, threatened him, yelled at him, poured water on him (not proud), dragged him, pled with him, threw my hands up and simply shut the door–done, you win.
Some of these approaches worked for a morning or two, but never longer than three days in a row. And, honestly, some of these things bordered on child abuse, damaged our relationship, and made our mornings together seriously unpleasant for 5,840 days (sans weekends and school breaks) of our lives.
Two weeks ago, I had a very calm, very serious moment with him. I reminded him that he would be 18 in two weeks, at which time I would be done having bad mornings. While I was at it, I let him know that I was also done with breaking rules, lying, general opposition, and passive aggressive disrespect. I was on a roll. Yep, I did what I always tell YOU not to do.
To my surprise, my son started to cry. Really cry. It was heart breaking. I was sure I had scared him to death and that his tears were about thinking he was about to be homeless (which I would never do to him.) I told him I wasn’t going to say more and asked him if he needed anything. Again, to my surprise, this 5’10” tear-faced boy with a beard asked, “Can I have a hug?”
When I opened my arms, he threw his whole body into me, weeping for 10 minutes more. Finally, he sat back with a big grin saying, “That was the first time I have really hugged you.”
I know. It felt really good (and it really did.)
After that he tells me he feels ashamed of himself because he can’t stop thinking about killing me in my sleep and other things he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He was genuinely scared of his own mind and he told me he has been having these thoughts for years.
Years? Yikes!
I tell him I understand, thanked him for trusting me with them, and empathized with how hard it must have been for him to hold in these thoughts like poison secrets inside his mind. I tell him I love him with all my heart. He tells me how he has hated me and my husband for what he calls “nothing really.” He tells me about grudges he has been holding from years ago. He tells me he never does what I want because he is angry (duh) and these scary thoughts make him closed off and shut down.
Good talk.
For two weeks he is a changed person. Gets himself up early. Does his chores, mostly well. Zips his pants, brushes his teeth, puts on deodorant without reminders. Asks permission. Has broken no house rules. Is pleasant. Smiles. Gives hugs. He says the gruesome thoughts are completely gone and he can’t believe it. He thinks all of his shenanigans were related to them.
Too good to be true, right? I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. Until then, I am one amazed and happy mamma.
Note to self: get a lock for my bedroom door.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
He was brave to tell me and I am brave not to flip out.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
The Attach Place/Neurofeedback Solutions is an active supporter of The Wounded Warrior Project. We give free neurofeedback treatment to veterans. If you know someone in the Sacramento area who is suffering from the effects of war, we are here to help one soldier at a time.
Empathy, Really?
Are you freaking kidding me? This kid has kicked me, scratched me, bit me, broken my favorite things, run off, told lies about me and to me, stolen things from everyone I know and YOU want me to show him empathy? I know he went through a lot in his first few years. I know! But this is five years later and he acts like I did it to him. He doesn’t care about anything, let alone me. He has to be punished for his behavior or he will never learn.
First, I empathize with YOU. What you are going through every day with your very challenging child is painful and tiring and I know you are on the edge of hopelessness. Me, too. I have felt all of these things, too. I can see you are brokenhearted and desperate to have peace in your family.
YOU can do this, but it will be hard and take all the strength and determination you have. Yes, empathy in the face of trouble is the first step toward turning this all around. It will not be fast and it will not be easy. It will be a daily practice of mindfulness, self-care, and love to be the “adult in the room.” It has taken me years to become that adult. Years. That was my personal journey. Who knew that I had so many childhood wounds that would be healed along the way to learning how to love my attachment challenged children?
Ready or not, this is your journey.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Every journey begins with one step. Why not empathy?
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
The Attach Place/Neurofeedback Solutions is an active supporter of The Wounded Warrior Project. We give free neurofeedback treatment to veterans. If you know someone in the Sacramento area who is suffering from the effects of war, we are here to help one soldier at a time.
Straight No Chaser
No, I have not taken up drinking–much. Just wanted to inject a moment of harmony into your day (in-case you were having trouble finding some.)
Straight No Chaser
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Find some cheer every day of the year.
NOTE: If you are planning to sign up, please go ahead and do it because I think the space will end up being limited this time around. The next REVISED Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is scheduled for January 24th and January 31st. Register here. If you have been through this course in the past, you will be getting significantly more hands on experience than ever before.
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
When YOU Get Tired
When YOU get tired, take a Mommy or Daddy time out to refuel, readjust, reenergize, and reconnect with yourself. Without YOU, then what?
I know this can go against the grain of what having children is all about. Aren’t we supposed to put our children’s needs above our own? Yes, sure. And most of the time YOU do. But sacrifice to the point of martyrdom will not a healthy family make.
After you have taken a breather, put your head back on with a new set of lens for your eyes. The second best way to take care of yourself is to re-adjust your attitude about your traumatized children. Their pain, wounding, outbursts, hatefulness, rejection, meanness, and fear has nearly nothing to do with YOU, and nearly everything to do with how they experience themselves and others in a dangerous world. YOU scare them to the core.
If you were made of cardboard, YOU would still be the object of reactivity and likely be covered in spit and kick marks. So, refocus your thinking. Don’t over personalize your child’s reactivity toward YOU. It is not about YOU.
Here is a suggestion: Love from a higher place. Some of YOU have the love of God in your hearts. Others the love of passion. And still, there are folks who are rising to a call. Some are engaging the challenge. How ever you keep your heart alive and giving, do it. Do it every day like your life depends on it–because it does.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Love is not just a feeling. It is a commitment.
NOTE: If you are planning to sign up, please go ahead and do it because I think the space will end up being limited this time around. The next REVISED Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is scheduled for January 24th and January 31st. Register here. If you have been through this course in the past, you will be getting significantly more hands on experience than ever before.
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 