There is a bit of an ironic truth in the therapist community that many therapists came from “difficult beginnings” and end up becoming therapists on the way to fixing themselves.
Similarly, I think, many adoptive parents came from “difficult beginnings,” too. Along the way of self repair, providing a better life to an adopted child from “difficult beginnings” makes sense. Nothing wrong with that. Actually, it is quite lovely.
The problem with both of these realities is that unhealed therapists and parents from difficult beginnings can find themselves in emotional disrepair as they try to be healing forces in the lives of those they care for–client or child.
Heal thyself.
I wish I had been given, heal thyself, advice prior to adopting children so I could have done my own deep recovery before I mixed my difficult beginning with that of my children. The result was a compounded mess of entangled traumatic material bouncing off the walls. In my house, especially in the beginning, it was hard to say who was the most emotionally dysregulated–me or them.
Individuals with early trauma experience symptoms on a continuum If you answer many of the following questions with a YES, YOU might need support for your own healing. Plain and simple. Heal thyself.
Y or N Do you prefer to recharge your batteries by being alone rather than with other people?
Y or N Did you need glasses at an early age?
Y or N Do you suffer from environmental sensitivities or multiple allergies?
Y or N Do you have migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, or fibromyalgia?
Y or N Did you experience prenatal trauma such as intrauterine surgeries, prematurity with incubation, or traumatic events during gestation?
Y or N Were there complications at your birth?
Y or N Were you adopted?
Y or N Have you had problems maintaining relationships?
Y or N Do you have difficulty knowing what you are feeling?
Y or N Would others describe you as more intellectual than emotional?
Y or N Do you have disdain for people who are emotional?
Y or N Are you particularly sensitive to cold?
Y or N Do you often have the feeling that life is overwhelming and you don’t have the energy to deal with it?
Y or N Do you prefer working in situations that require theoretical skills rather than people skills?
Y or N Are you troubled by the persistent feeling that you don’t belong?
Y or N Are you always looking for the “why” of things?
Y or N Are you uncomfortable in groups or social situations?
Y or N Does the world seem like a dangerous place to you?
(Recognizing the Symptoms of Early Trauma by Laurence Heller, Ph.D.)
Heal thyself. No shame. Only love.
Because Love Matters,
YOU Matter.
My children must have felt as despairing as I did during those times. In retrospect a lot of their behavior was directly proportionate to my disengagement. Back then, I just didn’t know what to do to turn things around. That is why I write this email and send it to YOU every day. I want YOU to have hope and a few ideas of how to turn things around.
My children and I have something in common. We have all three been scared “to death” in our lives and survived to see another day. That kind of trauma can have varying impacts on people. Some become more fearful and others repress fear completely, thus NO FEAR (or any other feeling for that matter.)
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 