Category Archives: Parenting Adopted Children

Despicable Me

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Our attachment challenged kids do some despicable things.  If any one of us did them, we would be nothing short of mortified.  Yet, our children often angrily blame others for their actions or deny culpability or insist it didn’t happen at all.  The feeling of living in crazy town gets magnified for parents during these times.  Dysregulation zone ahead.
 
I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but our kids feel like they are evil to the core.  They don’t understand themselves or their behaviors.  They just do stuff.  They feel shameful.
 
Our kids are busy as bunnies trying to fill-up the holes they often feel inside their hearts.  If they just had that one thing, got to go to that one place, got to wear that one see-through dress, got that one girl, got someone to have sex with…the list goes on.  They are constantly doing things that they feel will do the trick, ease their nagging emptiness.  When the first thing doesn’t fill it up, they try the next and the next and the next.  Rarely do they have the insight to stop and say, “Maybe I am chasing the wrong things.”  
 
It is our therapeutic parenting task to unfold with our children their fierce drives, their survival modes, their repetitive patterns. We must do that with intensely accepting empathy for their feelings, their behavior, and their true infantile needs.  Above all, we must not shame them for despicable behavior in a misguided attempt to make them change their behavior. They already feel ashamed and it hasn’t stopped them yet. Another dose of shame will not be the answer.
 
Up the empathy.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Empathy is the antidote for shame.
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I Owe Ya One

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This is a make-up note for YOU–my mea culpa for missing Thursday’s missive.
 
Well, my son, 18.1 yrs., is melting down in tears every day about the idea of having to move away from his Mommy Dearest–that’s me.  Even I am not so hard-hearted as to turn a blind eye; he is not strong enough yet to face the world–even with total funding and live-in adult support.
 
Can you hear my apron strings reeling in like a fishing line once cast into the deep end of the ocean, now pulled back fishless and bait free.
 
We try and then we try again.  That is what it is like to test the advances of development.  We will try again in a few months.  Eventually, he will be ready to make the leap.  I can wait.  
 
In the meantime, I am getting a housekeeper.  His perpetual messiness is too much for me to live with happily. I am grateful I can afford this luxury. It will make my life easier.  I really want an easier life.  So be it.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Thursday Saturday la la… la la la la
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Inability To See

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I lost a day somewhere and forgot to send a note to YOU.  Mea Culpa.
I am often struck by how difficult it is for our attachment challenged children to link our parental consequences with their own behavior. Often, they see parenting as just mean. Executive function is delayed in children from difficult beginnings.  They need a lot of empathy, gentleness, structure and very clearly explained natural consequences to slowly bring that part of their experience forward.
Yesterday, my son told me that he thought I was a mean parent.Wha?  Okay, I do remember one of my finer moments wrestling him to the ground to get back something stolen from me.  That was pretty darned mean and I clearly lost my mind in the heat of the battle. Pretty sure that is what he was going to throw out and up into my face.  Shame.  Shame.  Shame on me.  That was mean.
When I asked him what he was remembering that he thought was mean, he recalled to me not getting to spend the night with a friend a few weeks ago for no reason except to be mean.  As I recall, he had not gone to school for three days that week; had not lifted a finger toward his chores in three days; and had refused to speak to me for three days just prior to his request to spend the weekend with a friend.  
 
Honestly, I remember saying no without explaining why to him.  I thought he would make the link.  Now I hear no such link made: therefore, I am mean.  He totally missed the actual mean stuff.
 
Make sure you explicitly link your actions to your child’s behavior or the learning will be lost (it might be anyway, but not for lack of linking).  After all, isn’t that what consequences are meant to be–teaching aids.  And the learning should not end in a conclusion that YOU are mean.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Lost Thursday Thursday.  Found Friday Friday la la… la la la la
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Killing and Lying Are Different

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The whole world is living at the DMV.  I went three times yesterday and the parking lots at both DMVs were full out to the street all three times.  So, no ID for the boy.
 
Anyway, that’s not what I wanted YOU to ponder today, unless of course you are on your way to the DMV right now.  I wanted you to consider that lying is not the same as killing and for some reason we parents conflate the two.
 
Most killers lie. Most people have lied. Most people have not killed.  See? Two entirely different things.  
 
When your attachment challenged child lies, treat it with a “fix-it” ticket, not a federal indictment.  Lying is a survival skill.  When the negative impulsive acts become better mediated by that part of your child’s brain that governs executive function, cover-up, reflexive, self-protective lying about those acts will subside. 
 
Lying does not lead to killing, so stop being afraid it does.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Wednesday Wednesday la la… la la la la
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FOMO Is A Thing?

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I am from the generation that thought up acronyms such as SWAK and TGIF.  We were cute. I stuck with the learning curve all the way through TMI and WTF, and then I just couldn’t care anymore. Perhaps my age caught up with me.  I am old.
Today FOMO came across my lap-desk.  What the heck is FOMO? Long FO, Long MO. Do you know it?
Fear Of Missing Out.  FOMO.  FOMO has spurred the best crop of dumbphone apps to help us be in the know and instantly notified of thousands of things happening simultaneously, thereby quelling further FOMO.
On another note: My son emerged from his boy cave this morning fully dressed, jacketed, shoe’d (unusual for holiday jammie fests), with a bag of trash over his shoulder, evoking his usual adeiu, “See ya later Mom.  Love ya.”
Incredulously, What are you doing?
“I put a clean bag in already, and I’m taking the trash out on my way to Jamba Juice.  I’m multi-tasking. You said multitasking is impossible, but not for me.”
WTF. TMI.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Monday Monday, la la…la la la la
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Fifty Shades of Objectification

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This came  across my desktop today and I feel the same way, so thought I would share it with.
50 shades of objectification
Protecting Your Teen’s
Mind and Heart

Find the full post HERE.
Hi all,

It’s all the rage right now. You’ll find “Fifty Shades of Grey” plastered just about everywhere you’ll look.  Have you heard about it? I bet your teens have, too.

And that’s a problem.

Well, not really.  Not if you’ve been discussing the media hype surrounding it, and exposing the unhealthy relationship depicted in the book/movie for the unhealthy situation that it is.

If you’re not at all comfortable discussing this with your teens, I urge you to click through and see our thoughts on the topic, as well as share the article written by Dr. Meek, pediatric psychiatrist, with your teen.

It’s that important. You’ll find the link to it all on ourblog.

Start reading HERE. We hope this helps!

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Valentine’s Day Release, Oh Joy.
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Stop and Notice

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Sometimes we parents are seriously Type A toward our attachment challenged children.  We are forever working our kids to be better, be focused, be kinder, be organized, be mature, be motivated, be normal.  Wha?  Our kids by definition are working as hard as they can figuring out how to feel safe in their own skins, in their own families. This thing called family life is complex and filled with emotional landmines. 
 
From where your child began, stop and notice how far s/he has come. Give yourselves a little break from bettering every moment. Slow down. 
Celebrate now. 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
Lift your head up from the grindstone.  It’s nice up here.
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Do-Si-Do Around We Go

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Oh man, I am tired of the do-si-do emotions that go on inside myself when I am trying to hold a loving stance without ensnaring my son with my own emotional hooks.  I can feel myself emotionally tilt forward with hooks out, then catch myself and pull back to neutral.  Then I tilt forward again–hooks out–only to catch myself and pull back to neutral again.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I am an emotional square dancer, perpetually do-si-do-ing in order to maintain my calm, maintain my love, and maintain my neutrality in the face of shenanigans with giant meat hooks. 
 
I desperately wish for my son and myself a moment of being an introverted and relaxed wallflower.  Thanks for the invite, but I’ll sit this one out.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
Do-si-do and around we go.
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Extrapolation Nation

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(If you are planning on attending the upcoming Trust based Parent Training, take a look at the bottom of this page because the dates and times have changed. No inconvenience intended.) 
 
For your edification, this is the definition of extrapolation according to my BFF M. Webster: 
Extrapolation is an act or instance of inferring an unknown from something that is known.
One of the most mind-bending features of trauma on the brain is the way it can interfere with the development of extrapolation 
skills–a handy little executive function. 
 
When I taught my son how to measure a cup of water for making instant oatmeal, he was 6-years-old and I didn’t expect him to remember how to do it the next time. When he was 12-years-old, I really, really, really wanted him to be able to measure a cup of water for instant oatmeal from one day to the next.  Really, really, really, I did.  
 
Unfortunately, year after year, I have had to tell him how much water to use (and how long to cook it, for that matter.)  Oh yeah, he can read the label on the package.  Oh yeah, there is a cheat sheet on making instant oatmeal in his “How To Do Everything” binder. Oh yeah, he has an average IQ. 
 
Funny thing though: he knows the fastest footpath to Target; he knows how much “found” change it takes to buy mini donuts at the corner store; he knows how to buy stuff on the internet by “borrowing” my credit card (apparently the security code on the back of a credit card is innate knowledge); and he knows how to take the RT to a friend’s house.  Why in the world can he not remember how much clothing is too much clothing for the washer, how to turn on the dishwasher, or how to cook instant oatmeal?
 
ARGHHHHH!!!!
If this is familiar, then you can know that your traumatized child has what we call spiky access to his executive function. Sometimes she can and sometimes she can’t extrapolate.  It is what it is.  No need to lose your marbles over it or break your tender relationship because of it.  Instead, breathe and direct him to the place where he can find the answer to his 999th question about the same thing. One day, out of the blue, like an epiphany or lightening bolt to the forehead, your child will just be able to do it.
 
At that point, SNOOPY Dance!
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
One cup, 90 seconds.  One cup, 90 seconds.  One cup, 90 seconds.  Heaven forbid I change our brand of oatmeal with different amounts of water and cooking times. Change is scary, my son says.  I believe him.
 
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Trauma Brain Sandwich

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Some kids who have Complex Developmental Trauma are white knuckling day and night.  Their need to manage every single little thing to keep themselves feeling safe takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of them.  Their need for the safety that control brings to them takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of YOU, too.
 
Upshot: Be super sure you are getting plenty of adult respite time to play, laugh, love, and be untethered so you are not having a steady Trauma Brain Sandwich diet. YOU will starve to death otherwise.  
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Trauma Brain Sandwiches are all carb, no protein.
The Attach Place Logo
The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th.  Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.