Category Archives: Parenting Adopted Children

The Gift of Smiling Eyes

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angry womanSometimes the daily shenanigans of raising traumatized, attachment challenged children shows on our faces.  I know it has and still does at times show on mine.  There were periods over the course of raising my children that I actually had to tell myself, inside my head, to smile.

I used to be extroverted and effusive, but I became weary and depressed when the magnitude of adopting traumatized children set in.  Frankly, it hit me like a boulder from the Roadrunner cartoon. When a co-worker was walking toward me down a hall, I had to prompt myself, “Smile, Ce. Look Alive!”  Then I would flash a smile and, as they passed by, my face would reflexively return to its flat, lifeless state.  It took all of my energy every day to smile at people.  At home it was different.  My inside voice was dead silent.  Since I had no internal voice prompting me to be engaging, be alive, I wasn’t and my face showed it.

Swearing boyMy children must have felt as despairing as I did during those times.  In retrospect a lot of their behavior was directly proportionate to my disengagement.  Back then, I just didn’t know what to do to turn things around.  That is why I write this email and send it to YOU every day.  I want YOU to have hope and a few ideas of how to turn things around.

brilliant heart 2


Eventually, I read enough books on attachment trauma, took anti-depressants, sought therapy, and finally got neurofeedback to find my natural ability to engage, be alive and, yes, smile.  I had to get help, grieve, and recommit to living fully before I could smile again and enjoy my life.

If YOU are under the Roadrunner boulder, take heart.  Things can change, but YOU have to start by getting help for yourself.  Your children will heal, as YOU do.

Kids Fly
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Slow Down YOU Move Too Fast

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There is an old Simon and Garfunkel song from the 60’s:
 
skippingSlow Down 
YOU Move Too Fast
You’ve Got To Make The Morning Last
Just Skipping Down The Cobblestones
Looking For Fun and Feeling Groovy
 
If YOU know this song, I am sure I just clicked it on “repeat” in your head for the rest of the day.  
 
Now do it. 
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Developmental Trauma

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I want to straighten a little something out (from my point of view anyway.)  

trauma face

There has been an evolution for me over the last 10 years about what it is I am seeing in traumatized children and what usual diagnoses children from difficult beginnings are given by mental health professionals.
 
There are really only a few diagnoses that routinely get applied to our children: 
Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy and Early Childhood (RAD), 
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), 
Bipolar Disorder 
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
 

Trauma Boy 2

The fact of the matter is that most of our children are traumatized by attachment breaks, toxins in utero, pervasive maltreatment, neglect, and other abuses in the first 10 years of life.  The abuse that takes place during the first 33 months of life, of course, globally rewires the child’s brain for high alert that becomes cellular and can last a lifetime.
 
I used to stomp my feet and insist that mental health practitioners stop misdiagnosing attachment trauma  as ADHD and PTSD because those labels were inadequate (and they still are.)  I encouraged instead using Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy and Early Childhood because it was the only diagnosis that pointed in the developmental direction and I thought early correct labeling would get better, more focused attachment treatment for our kids.  Well, I have moved on from that, too.  Calling all traumatized children RAD is not correct and again points to too narrow of a viewpoint on treatment. And, frankly, some mental health practitioners misinterpret the RAD diagnosis as a “hopeless,” untreatable condition.
 
There is a new diagnosis Developmental Trauma being bandied about, but it has not made it into the Big Book of mental health disorders, the DSM-V.  There was a whole political push for and against this diagnosis just prior to the publication of the latest DSM-V, so it was left out.  Boohoo.
 
Once again, I find myself on the side of advocating mental health labeling that is more effective for treatment.  Labels are intended to support correct treatment, nothing more. Developmental Trauma is usually what we are dealing with when we are parenting children from difficult beginnings.  If we called it by a more attuned name, perhaps we would be more attuned to the various ways their history has impacted their development.  We would also be less scared our children will grow up to be criminals, right? Developmental Trauma can be treated.
 

trauma boy

Developmental Trauma, in my opinion, is a huge public health issue across the world. I saw a statistic that nearly three million children in the U.S. alone are diagnosable with this every year.  EVERY YEAR! My heart aches about this.
 
Developmental Trauma is all about developmental deficits, relational misattunement, and chronic patterns of dysregulation that lead to life-long issues negatively impacting brain development, the nervous system, the endocrine system, and memory.  This is likely a better diagnosis for your child. RAD, PTSD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder are all too narrow and miss the boat on effective treatment.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Angry Dysregulation

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I hated. bye
I hate y.  bye
i hate u. bye
I hate who. bye
I hate you. bye
 
I received these five texts, one right after the other, while I was co-facilitating a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop over the weekend. Thank goodness they weren’t from my husband, right? 
 
I rarely consequence when correcting these days.  My son is 17 years old.  He doesn’t learn from consequences, so I learned not to use them for that purpose.  Well, until he broke my trust in a minor way and I was too tired to think it through. During that low point, I knee jerk took away his electronics and required him to return home in the middle of a three-day stay with a friend.  I dropped a bomb on his world over a minor offense.  When he returned to an electronics-free bedroom, he sent me those lovely texts above. There you have it–angry dysregulation.
 

messy room

He stayed dysregulated for two days, destroying his room, sneaking food under his covers, refusing to do his chores, and yelling down the hall at me, “Please don’t speak to me again today!” He did say please. Good boy.Let’s just say this. There were no clean bowls, spoons, or glasses in the house. They were all piled high in the sink or strewn across his bedroom floor.  
 
Before I left the house for the last day of my workshop, I sat on the side of his bed where he was swaddled like a mummy head to toe and gently said this: 
 
Honey, I know you are angry because I took away your electronics and cancelled your sleepover.  I also know you feel ashamed of what you did that caused it.  I am leaving for work right now and will be back in three hours.  This can all be over by you facing what you did like a man and then taking care of your responsibilities around the house. I have left you a list. What you did is not so horrible that you have to feel bad about yourself. You can just learn from your mistake. Your electronics will follow. I love you. See you later.
 
When my workshop was over, I returned home to a spotless house and a boy still swaddled in covers. When he heard me come in, he raised up and said,  I suddenly realized I was making it worse. Sorry Mom, I didn’t mean that text.  
 
Thanks for the apology.  Nice job on the kitchen, too.
 
This could all have been handled differently by me.  Just like him, I forget sometimes how I make things worse by dropping bombs on mosquitos.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Over-Processing

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I know it is hard to believe that I have been anything better than a horrible parent, given some of the things I have shared with YOU.  I have my scorched earth moments and I have my strengths, too.  One surprising strength of mine is not needing to process everything to death.

I think attuned heart-to-hearts are precious.  When my husband and I have “the talk,” it is slow, purposeful, and over fairly quickly.  We stop, sit down, look into each others’ eyes, say how we feel, what we need, what we don’t need, make a repair if necessary, and get done.  These happen once in awhile. Our love, attachment and relationship are strong.

An earOver-processing leads partners and children to hate “the talk.”  Make your talks emotionally yummy, satisfying, touching, and over quickly.  Choose your topics wisely.  Be selective about what requires “the talk.”  If you are able to do that, you will probably get at least one of your child’s ears in the discussion.  One is way better than none.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Attachment Is Everything

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Teens need attachment love, too.  Attachment challenged children really struggle in adolescence.  All the usual questions of adolescence are magnified: Who am I? Where do I belong?  What matters to me?  To whom do I matter? 

 
Fears and anxieties are huge for our teens when cortisol and hormones run high.  Parents, pump-up your compassion and dial-down your fears.  Remember what it was like to desperately want someone to choose you, like you, touch you, kiss you? Remember what is was like to need to pump up your vibrato, puff out your chest, challenge and win, be right, get your dream date, or be a BFF?  

Older and Outer

 
Remember howfitting in andstanding out were in constant cross-fire inside your head? 
 
Remember how OLD and OUT OF IT your parents seemed?
Remember how far ahead of your brain your mouth was?
danger brain mouth
Now, multiply those memories by the intensity of 20, or so. To varying degrees our teens are us, plus sized. Icky thought for most of us. If YOU were never like this, YOU are going to have trouble with empathy for your teen.  YOU still need to find some, because rejection, shaming, lecturing, disappointment, outrage, frustration and anger will not create the attachment love connection necessary to get your teen through this volatile period in life.
YOU must be the one who changes.  The more YOU insist that the teen make the changes before YOU can trust, the less trust there will be.  Trust is one of those things, like love, YOU just have to give away a little at a time. Sometimes you get it back, right?  Sometimes you don’t. Trusting is risky business.  Consider the alternative.  And, no, you cannot lock them in the basement until they are 21.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

 

Cognitive Delay

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apronsMy mother was quick to anger.  She had very little patience with me and I was all thumbs and left feet. I have a salient memory of needing to make an apron from a paper pattern (which was child abuse, if you ask me) at home for Home Ec.  My mother was an excellent seamstress and while I struggled with something bunchy under the tines of the sewing machine foot, she snapped, “Let me do it.”  In two seconds I was standing aside watching while she silently and effortlessly finished the whole thing. I will never forget that. The things I learned were this:

I was too stupid to live.
My mother was all powerful, all knowing, bigger than life, and scary.
I was useless, inadequate and not worth teaching.
I disgusted her and she didn’t like me very much.
I was afraid of her and I didn’t like her that much either.
 
Of-course, I never learned to sew because I never tried to do it again.
 
Children from difficult beginnings often have cognitive delays in their executive function: working memory, attention, self-checking, cause and effect thinking and planning and time concepts.
 

sewing

Be thoughtful about what you are teaching your child, when you are quick to anger when they cannot easily do a task YOU think should be a piece of cake.  Children, teens, adults from hard places are managing their brain functions all the time and they sometimes cannot easily access parts of the brain that would help them make good decisions, listen to an entire sentence, remember how to do something that they do all the time, check for their own mistakes, know that breaking the rules will beget some kind of consequence, and figure out when it is time to stop playing and start their chores.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

 

Respite Wrangle

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Now that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have skipped into the background:  What about YOU?  I have always thought those days were really for the kids, but maybe that is just how it seems at my house. 

 

summer cold

Get started planning your Parent Day respite.  If you have been waiting, finding excuses, looking for ideas, holding out for money, time, energy…give it up.  Get respite before it gets YOU via stress, exhaustion, mental health crash, or a blasted summer cold.  
 
YOU take it or it takes YOU.  YOU decide.

 
Inaction is an action, after all. 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

What About Dad?

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vacuum dadHello Daddy-Os (and mother’s wearing their #1 Dad ball caps).  This weekend includes your day. Finally, a day for YOU to get up early, round up the kids, clean up breakfast fiascoes, open a box of well intended kid coupons or golf accessories rarely to be used, and survive parenting another day.  Oh dear, too cynical?  …and enjoy the delight of parenting another day. That’s what I meant to say.

 
Father’s Day was initiated in 1910 by a daughter of a single father of six living at the YMCA.  Kinda glad that isn’t YOU, right?  Single parents of any number get my hat tip for your tenacity and grit.  
 
Mother’s of attachment challenged children usually get the spotlight because they are often the target of attachment grief and reactivity in their children.  Father’s often find they have a different experience altogether.  
 
fun dad
It may be that your life partner is stressed a lot these days. Your children seem mostly fine to you, but she doesn’t think so. You can kind of see what she means, but not entirely and they are kids after all.  You don’t want to read books and go to parenting classes, but you support the household as much as you can.  You want to enjoy life more and stress less. Carve out some fun time this weekend, YOU deserve it.
 
On the other hand, YOU might be the target of your children’s emotional duress.  If so, then YOU need a day of love and peace. Make sure YOU get it.  YOU deserve it.
hammock dad
Big thank you to Dads.  YOU are so important in the lives of your kids.  
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Frog in a Pot

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You have all probably heard the analogy of the Frog in the Kettle, right?  Okay, I’m forced to repeat it.  If you put a frog in a hot kettle of water, it will jump right out–smart froggie style. If you put a frog in a cold kettle of water on a slow to boil stove, the froggie, well, will not have the good sense to stretch a leg.  That same smart froggie will simply adjust, adjust, adjust to death, as the water boils right over.
If you are in a hot pot with your attachment challenged children, you may not realize that you need help, Help, HELP to turn the temperature down.
 
In order to engage and thrive with attachment challenged children in your life, you have to be able to:
  • Open yourself to the realities of their lives before YOU
  • Tolerate their wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Handle your own wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Become hyper-flexible like a parenting ninja
  • Get support from everywhere and everyone to keep the water cool
pot
If you don’t…Hello froggie, this is not the pond you were hoping for.  Jump!
 
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS: