Dear Parents,

I have been parenting my children fiercely for so long I am finding it difficult to stop the daily process of shared power and control–carrying half the responsibility for getting them up in the morning, dressing appropriately, eating well enough, clean bodies and environment, engaging in the world pro-socially, enjoying hobbies some and not too much.  This may seem like it was all my kids’ responsibility in the first place; but children from difficult beginnings need a lot of mentoring to do the little things regularly and well enough to be successful.

Committing to their launch into adulthood means resisting the urge to carry more than my share.  It means letting some of the chips fall.  I hate that.  I have been keeping my children safe for years, and now they must transition to keeping themselves safe.  I am scared for them.  They are scared, too.

Frankly, I will always be here in the background to catch them if they are about to fall too hard.  However, the little skinned knees of life are their own to bandage now.  It is hard for me to let go despite how relieving I think it will be once they get on their big kid panties. I am waiting for the relief to kick in.  Right now, anticipation is all I’ve got.

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

Dear Parents,

When I adopted my children 17 years ago, they came with a Medi-Cal card that was a gift from the state for my children, so they would always have care.  At the time I thought that was great, until the first time I used it.

I will never forget sitting in the clinic waiting room with nearly 20 other children and parents on a hot summer afternoon. There were no pictures on the walls. No magazines to read.  No little play tables to entertain the kids.  There was one loud window air conditioner with a string tied to the front grate, more limp than swaying in the cool air. We were wall to wall sweating, sick people.

After about an hour, my daughter’s name was called.  Whew, finally.  I started to stand up and the nurse motioned me to stay there.  She came over and, without asking me, lifted my three-year-old’s t-shirt and began to listen to her heart right there in the waiting room.

My little girl came home to me a victim of untold child abuses, abandonment, neglect, and who knows what else.  I was stunned.  My doctor down the street that I paid for with private insurance would never in a million years have violated me or my daughter that way.  Outraged, I told the nurse to cancel my appointment. I wouldn’t be back.  And I never went back to a Medi-Cal anything, until today.

Now it might be true that my experience in the past was not even close to indicative of other Medi-Cal services at the time and perhaps a lot has changed for the better in Medi-Cal since, but today did not fill me with confidence about that.  I sat in a Medi-Cal dental office for four hours for my son to get x-rays and an exam–no cleaning, no filling, no nothing else. I brought his dental records with me that had curent x-rays and a list of the work that was determined needed doing.

So here I am caught between grateful and Medi-Cal. I am grateful for the free dental care, but I ended up being really mad at my son for rarely brushing his teeth and costing me $5000.00 in dental costs at the non Medi-Cal dentist I took him to last month.

Whose problem is this?  Mine, but I can’t figure out the lesson.  Maybe the lesson is that I need to find some kind of forum to fight for equity in Medi-Cal services for our challenged children who insist on being resistant to doing anything parent ask, like teeth brushing.

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

Dear Parents,

I know there are times, long periods, when many of you would rather spit than hug.  I am telling you this from the bottom of my heart:  Do it anyway.  Hug your challenging children.  Hug them every day when they wake up, before they go to school, when you next see them, when they are angry, when they are sad, when they are happy, when they don’t want to, when you can’t breathe, when you see a little light, when you are fighting the dark, and any time you find yourself confused, hopeless, and clueless about how to go on. If you do that, little by little you will find the real child and the real you beneath the grief, pain, fear, and frustration.

Love matters,

Ce

When my children were in elementary school, I felt like I lived at the school.  It was always something: eating other kids’ lunches; telling the cafeteria staff that mommy is embarrassed to say so but she is too poor to send lunch (hot lunch would be so great); there was the constant screaming and crying under desks and running off campus. Once police were called because my 1st grader stabbed his teacher in the hand with a sharp pencil.  You would think my kids were born at the CDC because they were sick every day for months at a time, so they said. One time one of my children stole the before school care staff member’s cell phone.  The staff found the phone by calling it.  My daughter answered from her 2nd grade classroom. If I hadn’t been self-employed, I thought I never would have kept a job.

I know many of you are facing this insanity right now.  I remember the fear I experienced when the phone rang during the day (What now?) and the terror I felt in general for the years ahead.  Honestly, it did tip me over.  I had to get therapeutic help for my own dysregulation, when deep despair crept in around the edges.  It was overwhelming.  I had to accept that I needed antidepressants to keep my head above water.  That helped.  Later, neurofeedback further resolved my persistent dysregulation, which came out in the form of zero-to-sixty anger.  Slowly the mess calmed down into my beautiful, crazy life.

When one is in the mess, it is hard to see the beautiful.  Trust me it is there.  Our children from difficult beginnings are who they are.  We cannot control them.  We can only therapeutically parent them and learn to love the child within.  It is a process.

I gave myself so much respite during the elementary years.  I had to or I would have cracked (clinical term for prolonged adult tantrum).  If you feel on the verge of cracking, get therapeutic help.  Get respite.  Get love from the people in your life who can understand what you have gotten yourself into, as not everyone gets how adopting children from difficult beginnings can shake you to the core. I understand.  I needed help. I am telling you this so you can see that help will get you through in one piece and your children through with love in their hearts.

Sanity and love matter.

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT