Category Archives: Parenting Attachment Challenged Children

Freud Is Not My Friend

All weekend I cogitated, marinated, stewed on letting go of everything, only I did it Freudian style, unconsciously. Without realizing it, I set about divorcing everything that I love. Started with trying to pull the plug on my sweetheart of a husband, moved on to my children, cut off a colleague, Dear John lettered another, and finished with a vicious hostile divorce nightmare (during a precious, coveted nap, no less.)

Then, I got confronted (thank you “thera-friendies” all around me) and realized this was all about grief. I am scheduled to put my best doggie friend of 12 years down on Monday and the grief is unbearable. Unconsciously, I started cutting my ties so I would never have to feel this horrible heartache again–EVER. You know, getting all the grief of a lifetime over in one week. That’s possible, right?

I think my unconscious self is about 6 years-old, full of magical thinking and a desperate desire for chocolate. The crying around here has been akin to a marathon meltdown–this time it’s all me.

I’m telling you this because unrecognized, unidentified, denied, repressed or ignored grief about the reality of your life since bringing kids home may leak out in other ways. Grieve what is right in front of you or you might do things you regret Freudian style.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The loss of a dream is painful. It’s okay to grieve, as it does not negate the decision you made to love your children.

The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us. Online RSVP each month required. Child care provided.

The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 9am to 5pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve. Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop. For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.

The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month. Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

The loss of a dream is painful. It’s okay to grieve, as it does not negate the decision you made to love your children.

Pain In Adoption

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My daughter gets regular check-ins with CPS workers because her baby is so sick and, understandably, the hospital staff thought it was possibly due to neglect. Thankfully it wasn’t, but CPS stayed on.

Eventually CPS actually took her baby, my grandbaby. My daughter was grief stricken and I was…mixed about it all.

In the middle of last night (the only time she thinks she should talk to me) my daughter texted me that she was dreading going to court against CPS. I responded that I remember that feeling very well.

“CPS was called on you, Mom. YOU never did anything.”

I am forever amazed at how little either of my children remember about the vast shenanigans that occurred in our home throughout their childhood years.

CPS opened cases on me three or four times–false abuse allegations, being on the run, living on the river, living with strangers, pregnant minor, etc. Every one of them scared me to death. I know this has happened to many of YOU. And I know many of you live in fear of this. Some of you have lost your homes, gone bankrupt defending yourself, lost family and friends, and had children taken away because of CPS allegations.

Oh, the stress and grief of it all.

Now that I am on the other side of CPS’ grip the PTSD has mostly faded and I am thinking about what I could have done differently during the “crazy” years.

1. I could have parented with more understanding and less control. This might have saved me from some threats at the point of a butcher knife.

2. I could have “seen” my children as individuals separate from me, and attended to their life experience more. I never allowed wild, revealing clothes, colored hair, outrageous talk… But I wasn’t doing it either, so what was the big deal?

3. I could have found more ways to soothe my own pain and fear, so I wasn’t so reactive.

4. I could have joined with others more for support–online or in local groups with others going through the same thing with their attachment challenged children. I didn’t think I needed all that. Who was I kidding?

5. I could have insisted on respite for myself more (though I have to say I did a pretty good job of this.)

6. I could have shared my fear with CPS workers more, instead of being fearfully defensive. Yelling, You don’t get it! in the face of a CPS worker was probably not that helpful.

Hindsight, I know. Some folks often feel I am hard on myself when I talk about what I could have done differently. That is not my intention. I am pretty forgiving of myself, as I truly know that I did the best I could at the time. I am simply hopeful my musings on the past can help YOU in the present (especially, if you are in the midst of the crazy years.)

I know this in my bones: Our kids get better if we hang in there and give ourselves the benefit of everything we can find to support our herculean efforts.

Re-Do Time

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Okay, re-do. That is one of the first levels of correction we can use with our children if–and it is a big IF–we can be playful, sweet, and respectful. Remember, corrections are intended to help our children learn to be family kids, not punishments for not innately knowing how to do it despite our repeated corrections.

Here are some examples for the playfully challenged, which I am known to be sometimes. How about YOU?

Your child demands a snack.
Hey sweetie pie will you ask again kindly please?

Your child barges into the room banging the walls with a band instrument, knocking down a picture frame, and creating an unnecessary ruckus.
Holy Mole Guacamole, whoa, take a second handsome and try that entry again. Yes, I mean it. I know you can do it like a kid instead of Godzilla.

Your child is snarky when you tell him to take out the trash.
Uh-oh, I said that without thinking. Sorry honey. What I meant to say was, In the next few minutes please take the trash out, so I can get going on dinner. What do you say?

Your child gives you attitude.
Whoa, we are working on this kindness thing, right? Will you show me some love in your voice and say it again please?
No! I won’t!
Something must be wrong. Can I help you with something?
No!
Okay, we can talk again later when we can do it with kindness. I’ll be right here.

Remember, corrections are not punishments. Try it again with kindness applies to us parents, too. Punishment does not teach our children anything, except that we are bigger and can be meaner. When they get bigger, imagine what they will do with that learning. Give what you want to get.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 10 to 4pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve. Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop. For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Parents need re-dos sometimes, too.

Thank Your Lucky Stars

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If your traumatized, attachment challenged child is pooping in the corners of your dining room while you are cooking dinner, this post is NOT really for YOU. Everyone else, cross yourself, count your blessings, kiss your rosary, say a little prayer, give a little nod to the Universe, thank your lucky stars for how blessed YOU are because your child is not pooping in the corners of your dining room.

On second thought: Call me if you are cleaning up poop right now.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

I’m serious. YOU can call me.

Side-By-Side

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Whew, having two attachment challenged adult children in the house is fun, just like having two 12-year-olds on a mixture of Crack and Downers. When our kids turn 18 they are adults, right? Not quite, they just think they are. Still, for their sense of well-being it is important for me to support them in managing their new found freedom. It is a lot like pushing two boulders up a hill while having the appearance of walking side-by-side. Very tricky. I could get smashed.

You are living here more independently now, so you have to take responsibility for your stuff, dishes, visits with friends, and money, I say encouragingly. Lots of head bobbing and excitement when I say this, because both of them only heard four words–visits with friends and money. Everything that came before, poof, like magic never happened.

When I came home from work yesterday at 7:30pm to a sink full–and I mean FULL–with dishes, my son says, “Mom, don’t worry, I’m going to do these.” Cool–he is showing a sense of noticing, accepting responsibility, and providing assurance.

This morning when I woke up, the sink was FULL and spilling over onto both sides of the counters. Running out the door, my son yells, “Mom, I’m going to do those when I get home. Don’t worry.” Apparently he thinks I worry about dishes a lot.

About this time my other budding adult shuffles in wearing neon pink ear-muff-like headphones and matching fuzzy jammie shorts with “Bunny Butt” printed in large white letters across, you know. She is getting more food in more dishes that I know she will put somewhere, maybe the floor. I say, It’s pretty messy in here, to which she responds in a near inaudible, distracted whisper, “Yeah,” then wonders out slurping milk from the bowl.

This is going to be interesting. The good new is my lid is firmly affixed with Super Brain Glue, so there will be no flipping it, right? Right.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course over the weekend. Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday. Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Very tricky balance of structure and nurture for our

budding adults.

Blessings Come In Strange Ways

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I have been keeping a little (read: BIG) secret from YOU, because I learned real quick from family and friends that I was, perhaps, a little out of mind. Then I realized that YOU already know I am a little out of my mind, so why hide from YOU, right?

Okay, as you might recall I tried to move my 18-year-old attachment challenged son out of the house into a sheltered living environment nearby, but caved after his very genuine hiccuping sobs streamed rivers down his face. He clearly wasn’t ready to leave Mom, just because Mom was ready for him to leave.

Fast forward six months and here I am moving my son’s 19 year old girlfriend into our extra bedroom. Stop gasping. I know. Trust me, I know because my husband hasn’t stopped rolling his eyes into the back of his head since I mentioned it to him. As a matter of fact, I am sure they are permanently stuck that way. He looks very silly.

Here’s the thing: She is a severely attachment challenged teen who aged out of a group home straight into a homeless shelter. How is that possible? Of course I have heard of these things happening, but I have never been as close to it as this. She and my son are like mirror images of each other–two peas in a pod, as it were. I just had to open our home. I had to.

I don’t talk a lot about blessings because I am not really that kind of person. However, this decision is a true blessing to me. When I adopted little children, it was not a bit altruistic. It was purely selfish, because I wanted children and couldn’t have them myself. When my kids turned out to feel less than thrilled to have me as their mother, I slowly evolved to the place I probably should have been in the first place–raising children for the love of the children, rather than to meet my need to be a mother. On the flip side, having my son and his girlfriend in the house brings laughter, sweet silliness, quiet sitting, walking the dog, and lively hikes to the gelato store. I feel like I have died and been reborn into a family. Even if the honeymoon only lasts a week or two, I will remember this feeling forever.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Blessings coming in strange ways.

Teens Need Play Too

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Hey YOU, teen parents: teens need play, too. The challenge is weathering the negative attitude on the way to having fun and tolerating the negative attitude on the way back. YOU will be in serious contention for the Mother Teresa or Ghandi award. There isn’t a lot in it for YOU, except knowing that you are oiling the gears of your relationship with your teen. YOU are putting fun in their tanks. They will appreciate YOU for it; just not out loud while they are teens. Your relationship will be strengthened because of your effort.

One last thing about play with teens. Teens are seriously impressed by novelty. Novel fun is priceless and impactful to them. So, take them somewhere interesting and different…then do everything side by side.

Spelunking

Ropes Course

Wall Climbing

Work Vacation in Mexico, Guatemala, Appalachia, Nepal, Dominican Republic, Calcutta

Backpack into the Sierra

Soup Kitchen in SF

Weekend with the Homeless Program

White Water Rafting

Go Cart Driving

Snorkeling

Surf Boarding

Skydiving

Gold Mining

Cruise to Alaska, Mexico, Nova Scotia

Bike Ride through Italy, France, U.S.

Arcades

Amusement Parks

Safari

Visit Stonehenge, Pueblos in New Mexico, Niagara Falls, Acropolis

Donkey Trip in the Grand Canyon

Ellis Island

9/11 Ground Zero

Smithsonian

Holocaust Museum

Mount Rushmore

Spirituality Retreat

Swim with Dolphins

Workout Together

Run Together

Volunteer Together

Water Park

I know you are not made of money, so only do what you can afford. Camping will do. Soup kitchens are free.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Get into the kitchen with your teen and see what you can create.

Play Is For Now Work Is For Getting Done

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Is it me or has life really started to get out-of-hand, too fast and too furious? I spend most of my day talking to parents about playing– playing for yourself and playing with your children. Have you ever noticed how a good laugh is better than an aspirin for what hurts? Or after a day at the spa with the wedding party or a leisurely round of golf, you can count on a good night’s sleep? Or when you are sick as a dog (Why is that a saying? My dog is rarely sick.) and really can’t do anything, have you noticed how nice it feels to actually do nothing? Well, that is the only reason I let myself get sick–to “do” nothing. Seems like there is a better way to get a day off–like plan one. Heaven forbid I start playing a lot every day, right? Nothing would ever get done!

Work and play are vastly different, polar opposites you might say. Work is all about the end game, accomplishing a goal, getting the job over and done, so we can stop. Play is about being in the present moment, goalless, connecting, and allowing whatever happens happen. Imagination, fantasy, and delight camp-out here.

Most of us have a tendency to come home from our goal oriented work or be home with our goal oriented tasks, just to set some more goals around getting dinner done, getting baths done, getting homework done, getting reading time done, getting the bedtime routine done, so we can…what? Sleep.

I know I am preaching to the choir. YOU know you are too busy to enjoy life; with the ballet and baseball, swimming and Girl Scouts, play dates and a zillion lists to help you keep all the balls in the air. Oh yeah, we all have Smartphones, so we have shared calendars that sync every minute (not lists anymore.) I tell you, I am always up-to-date on the latest thing to do. I notice that one of my friends whose calendar I am synced with puts vacuuming the house on it. I don’t know why, but it seems funny-sad to me somehow. And then I realize that I put similar funny-sad things on my calendar that she reads.

Slow down. Your children need present play time with you, not a zillion extracurriculars. Let the tasks go “undone” longer. YOU need play for you, too. Cleanliness will not get you tickets into the Kingdom like you were told. Love will. You know that bumper sticker LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH? Bumper sticker gospel works for me. How about YOU?

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, PLAY, PLAY, PLAY

Mindfulness Is A Door

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Mindfulness is a door into regulation. YOU can help your child learn to tolerate feelings, rather than try to get away from them. In this way, the window of emotional tolerance widens. Our complex traumatized children have very narrow windows of tolerance for any heightened emotion, including excitement.

What do you do to get them to tolerate their emotions? Find a form of meditation the family can do at any time to find the still point inside themselves.

There is a fun box of cards you can purchase on Amazon called Yoga Pretzels. I love this box because it is fun for kids to do. Get them to hold their poses as long as they can. That is the still point.

Sitting Criss Cross Applesauce, placing hands palm up, and slowly letting out a low key OOOOMMMM is the still point.

Lighting a candle and focusing on it is finding the still point.

Western culture is not very good at promoting stillness. We are much more about distraction, addiction, avoidance, and denial. Finding the still point is probably the single most effective way to improve the quality of our lives–sit quietly in the still point 5 minutes every day and see how your life changes–if you dare.

Be playful with your kids and tell them you are learning to find the quiet spot inside your mind. Ask them to sit with you silently and see if they can find it inside themselves. Do this for one minute every day for a week. Build up to five minutes over five weeks. When the whole family finds the still point inside their minds each day, there is a small reward. YOU are in charge of the reward (make it small, but fabulous so they want to do it again and again and again.)

Quiet sitting can compel mindfulness when dysregulation is at hand. Stop, drop and OOOMMM. Hold it as long as you can and start again. Make it fun. Allow for silliness. YOU are encourage a bit of quiet regulation, then you can release your child meditators back to play–the real language of children.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

“…Except for the point, the still point,

There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”

–T.S. Elliott

Dear Grandparents, Extended Family, and Friends

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By request, these are some pointers for grandparents, extended family, respite providers and friends on how to support parents with attachment challenged children.

Dear Grandparents, extended family, and close friends:

I want you to know how much your love and support mean to me. Without you, I would truly be on a very small island. Here are some things recommended by an attachment therapist to help you understand and support the healing in our family.

Please understand:

My child has Complex Developmental Trauma. That is a combination of trauma and attachment challenge from early childhood maltreatment and abandonment. This means that my child and I are working at learning to have a balanced emotional life together and to heal from internalized negative messages about parents, self, and the world.

No matter how it seems, I love my child and sometimes it is more a love “commitment” than a love “feeling.” Please don’t judge me for my frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, grief and wounded feelings. Yes, I did sign on the adoption line and I do take responsibility for my decision. Still, the magnitude of the disruption to my sense of well-being is stunningly painful.

My child deserves love and kindness, and I do my best to provide that every minute. Sometimes I fail. I feel bad about myself when that happens, so you don’t have to find a delicate way of telling me so. It would be really great if you noticed out loud to me the loving things I do for my child.

Since I love my child, it will not be helpful for you to tell me how awful my child is or how great my child is. I see it all. I really just need you to listen when I need someone to talk to about “me,” when I am on my last nerve, or when I need to celebrate a small breakthrough.

Dysregulation (uncontrolled upset) is my middle name. My child’s Complex Developmental Trauma has an impact on me that even I have a hard time coming to terms with. Offer me a listening ear, a cup of tea, a pedicure or a shoulder massage because I need a break more than I need anything.

You have no idea how much I really appreciate it when you are willing to care for my child, so I can rest and rejuvenate. I think you are amazing. When you do give me respite, it is very important that you follow my stated rules with my child; otherwise, your kindness will backfire on me when my child comes home. My child cannot have more fun or excitement with you than there is at home. This will be hard for you, but my child needs to be regulated emotionally while in your care. Too much fun, excitement, change, and freedom will only serve to dysregulate and cause a split between my child and me. Please don’t think spoiling, paying extra close attention, listening to wild, made up stories or “siding” with my child against me will help my child. It will destroy my child’s connection with me. Please do not do anything that will destroy my child’s connection with me. I am working every second to create that connection and it only takes a couple of visits with a well-meaning, overly solicitous family member or friend to set my child’s attachment with me into reverse.

My child can be an angel in front of you. Attachment challenge is usually between the child and the parents. Others may never see it. Please believe I am not making this up and I am not crazy. My child is not a victim of my inability to love. My child has been a victim in the past and still feels that way inside. I am not the creator of this world view. I am the healer of this world view for my child, and it is hard for me to be balanced enough all the time to be healing. That is my constant struggle. You can know that and empathize with my mission to save the heart of my child.

You may not know this, but traditional parenting doesn’t work with my child, so please don’t give me traditional parenting advice. I don’t actually need advice, and I sure don’t need anyone to tell me that I need to give more consequences or rule with an iron fist. I am using a therapeutic parenting approach that I have learned can heal the complex trauma my child experiences. Please trust me on this.

Finally, very few people want to spend time with my family right now. I am isolated and lonely. Any time you lovingly reach out to me feels like water in a desert. I may not reach back very much, but that is because I am emotionally exhausted and I don’t want to feel like a burden to you. Please check in with me. I need you. I love you. I appreciate you.

I hope this helps.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When YOU helpers get it, we parents feel 10 tons

lift from our shoulders.

Wisdom For Adoptive Parents

Support For Parents of Traumatized, Attachment Challenged Children

Category Archives: Parenting Attachment Challenged Children

Freud Is Not My Friend

Pain In Adoption

Re-Do Time

Thank Your Lucky Stars

Side-By-Side

Blessings Come In Strange Ways

Teens Need Play Too

Play Is For Now Work Is For Getting Done

Mindfulness Is A Door

Dear Grandparents, Extended Family, and Friends

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