Category Archives: Parenting Attachment Challenged Children

Over-Processing

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I know it is hard to believe that I have been anything better than a horrible parent, given some of the things I have shared with YOU.  I have my scorched earth moments and I have my strengths, too.  One surprising strength of mine is not needing to process everything to death.

I think attuned heart-to-hearts are precious.  When my husband and I have “the talk,” it is slow, purposeful, and over fairly quickly.  We stop, sit down, look into each others’ eyes, say how we feel, what we need, what we don’t need, make a repair if necessary, and get done.  These happen once in awhile. Our love, attachment and relationship are strong.

An earOver-processing leads partners and children to hate “the talk.”  Make your talks emotionally yummy, satisfying, touching, and over quickly.  Choose your topics wisely.  Be selective about what requires “the talk.”  If you are able to do that, you will probably get at least one of your child’s ears in the discussion.  One is way better than none.

Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Attachment Is Everything

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Teens need attachment love, too.  Attachment challenged children really struggle in adolescence.  All the usual questions of adolescence are magnified: Who am I? Where do I belong?  What matters to me?  To whom do I matter? 

 
Fears and anxieties are huge for our teens when cortisol and hormones run high.  Parents, pump-up your compassion and dial-down your fears.  Remember what it was like to desperately want someone to choose you, like you, touch you, kiss you? Remember what is was like to need to pump up your vibrato, puff out your chest, challenge and win, be right, get your dream date, or be a BFF?  

Older and Outer

 
Remember howfitting in andstanding out were in constant cross-fire inside your head? 
 
Remember how OLD and OUT OF IT your parents seemed?
Remember how far ahead of your brain your mouth was?
danger brain mouth
Now, multiply those memories by the intensity of 20, or so. To varying degrees our teens are us, plus sized. Icky thought for most of us. If YOU were never like this, YOU are going to have trouble with empathy for your teen.  YOU still need to find some, because rejection, shaming, lecturing, disappointment, outrage, frustration and anger will not create the attachment love connection necessary to get your teen through this volatile period in life.
YOU must be the one who changes.  The more YOU insist that the teen make the changes before YOU can trust, the less trust there will be.  Trust is one of those things, like love, YOU just have to give away a little at a time. Sometimes you get it back, right?  Sometimes you don’t. Trusting is risky business.  Consider the alternative.  And, no, you cannot lock them in the basement until they are 21.
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

 

Parents Talk Too Much

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Ever notice that your child tunes you out?  YOU talk too much.  Most parents do.  We over process, over think, over talk, over lecture, over teach, over kill with words.

 

bootcamp 2 2

When we hold a Love Matters Bootcamp with a family here at The Attach Place, we start the week with a list of simple guidelines and we use those same words every day in one way or another to teach a whole bunch of things. 
 
There are about 10 words in all.  When the family goes home, we send the wall size guidelines home with them to use EVERY DAY. Every family is different, but the guidelines are usually the same.
 
Here they are:
 
Be Gentle and Kind
Stick Together
Use Your Words
Ask Permission
No Hurts
Have Fun!
 
These are not original; they are condensed from Trust-based Parenting Intervention by Karen Purvis and David Cross. Turns out we use 15 words in all.  Compare that number to the number of words in one single lecture about hitting, or disrespecting, or sneaking, or tantruming, or sulking, or whining.  
 

twister

Kids don’t have time to tune out three or four words. Consider that when you next start in on correcting your child. Too many words may really be about punishing, shaming, scolding, fear, anger, frustration.  
 
Be a parent who is all about fewer words and No Hurts.
 
Being a kid shouldn’t hurt, right?  Being a parent should be fun, right?  
 
We are all works in progress.
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Cognitive Delay

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apronsMy mother was quick to anger.  She had very little patience with me and I was all thumbs and left feet. I have a salient memory of needing to make an apron from a paper pattern (which was child abuse, if you ask me) at home for Home Ec.  My mother was an excellent seamstress and while I struggled with something bunchy under the tines of the sewing machine foot, she snapped, “Let me do it.”  In two seconds I was standing aside watching while she silently and effortlessly finished the whole thing. I will never forget that. The things I learned were this:

I was too stupid to live.
My mother was all powerful, all knowing, bigger than life, and scary.
I was useless, inadequate and not worth teaching.
I disgusted her and she didn’t like me very much.
I was afraid of her and I didn’t like her that much either.
 
Of-course, I never learned to sew because I never tried to do it again.
 
Children from difficult beginnings often have cognitive delays in their executive function: working memory, attention, self-checking, cause and effect thinking and planning and time concepts.
 

sewing

Be thoughtful about what you are teaching your child, when you are quick to anger when they cannot easily do a task YOU think should be a piece of cake.  Children, teens, adults from hard places are managing their brain functions all the time and they sometimes cannot easily access parts of the brain that would help them make good decisions, listen to an entire sentence, remember how to do something that they do all the time, check for their own mistakes, know that breaking the rules will beget some kind of consequence, and figure out when it is time to stop playing and start their chores.
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

 

Respite Wrangle

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Now that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have skipped into the background:  What about YOU?  I have always thought those days were really for the kids, but maybe that is just how it seems at my house. 

 

summer cold

Get started planning your Parent Day respite.  If you have been waiting, finding excuses, looking for ideas, holding out for money, time, energy…give it up.  Get respite before it gets YOU via stress, exhaustion, mental health crash, or a blasted summer cold.  
 
YOU take it or it takes YOU.  YOU decide.

 
Inaction is an action, after all. 
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

What About Dad?

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vacuum dadHello Daddy-Os (and mother’s wearing their #1 Dad ball caps).  This weekend includes your day. Finally, a day for YOU to get up early, round up the kids, clean up breakfast fiascoes, open a box of well intended kid coupons or golf accessories rarely to be used, and survive parenting another day.  Oh dear, too cynical?  …and enjoy the delight of parenting another day. That’s what I meant to say.

 
Father’s Day was initiated in 1910 by a daughter of a single father of six living at the YMCA.  Kinda glad that isn’t YOU, right?  Single parents of any number get my hat tip for your tenacity and grit.  
 
Mother’s of attachment challenged children usually get the spotlight because they are often the target of attachment grief and reactivity in their children.  Father’s often find they have a different experience altogether.  
 
fun dad
It may be that your life partner is stressed a lot these days. Your children seem mostly fine to you, but she doesn’t think so. You can kind of see what she means, but not entirely and they are kids after all.  You don’t want to read books and go to parenting classes, but you support the household as much as you can.  You want to enjoy life more and stress less. Carve out some fun time this weekend, YOU deserve it.
 
On the other hand, YOU might be the target of your children’s emotional duress.  If so, then YOU need a day of love and peace. Make sure YOU get it.  YOU deserve it.
hammock dad
Big thank you to Dads.  YOU are so important in the lives of your kids.  
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Behavior As Coping Mechanisms

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Kids who have been traumatized by maltreatment or by witnessing maltreatment of others have highly developed coping mechanisms.  They are often very serious adapters and adjusters.  Behaviors like aggression, lying, oppositionality, shutting down, manipulating, stealing, nonsensical chatter, distraction, sneaking, hoarding, lethargy, refusal and low motivation are all examples of adaptive coping strategies.

talking 2Be very, very careful not to label your children as “bad seeds” because they use everything available to them to survive long after the need to be on “survival mode” has ceased to exists.  Survival mode is hardwired and takes years to rewire into “safety mode.”

What YOU do in the face of all that behavior matters.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they are liars and will go to jail some day.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they are acting like whores.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they have no conscience.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they are just like their low life birth parents. Fear drives us to do and say things we are ashamed of thinking and saying.  Acting out our fear in those ways further wounds our previously traumatized children and in no way does it change their survival mode behavior.

understanding
Parent by a set of principles to keep YOU on the high road:

Be Respectful
Be Loving
Be Understanding
Be Safe

Make sure YOU are a shiny beacon of safety when you parent your child. Safety is the ultimate solution to moving your children out of survival mode and away from negative coping strategies. To be a safe parent YOU have to find a way to quell your own fears.  Fear puts YOU in survival mode.  No one feels safe then.

I know you are scared for your children.  Find a way to surrender it to the Universe, your higher power, the greater good, God, or whatever else you can find to put your faith in.  Your child needs your love, not your fear.  YOU have to manage your own survival behaviors to help your children manage theirs.
 
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Frog in a Pot

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You have all probably heard the analogy of the Frog in the Kettle, right?  Okay, I’m forced to repeat it.  If you put a frog in a hot kettle of water, it will jump right out–smart froggie style. If you put a frog in a cold kettle of water on a slow to boil stove, the froggie, well, will not have the good sense to stretch a leg.  That same smart froggie will simply adjust, adjust, adjust to death, as the water boils right over.
If you are in a hot pot with your attachment challenged children, you may not realize that you need help, Help, HELP to turn the temperature down.
 
In order to engage and thrive with attachment challenged children in your life, you have to be able to:
  • Open yourself to the realities of their lives before YOU
  • Tolerate their wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Handle your own wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Become hyper-flexible like a parenting ninja
  • Get support from everywhere and everyone to keep the water cool
pot
If you don’t…Hello froggie, this is not the pond you were hoping for.  Jump!
 
 
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

No Fear

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Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend where I found myself insisting that I have no fear.  She was doubting me and perhaps I protested too much.  Our silly banter made me ponder that concept a little more because I really don’t experience fear.  But why don’t I?  Then I was reminded how my children never seemed to express fear in the years following coming home with me.  They took big physical and relational risks, broke all rules, and seemed to be unmoved by my ire.  I came to know this as traumatic dissociation, because the longer I lived with them the more I saw how much fear and anxiety operated in them.  They were actually afraid of almost everything.

fearMy children and I have something in common.  We have all three been scared “to death” in our lives and survived to see another day.  That kind of trauma can have varying impacts on people.  Some become more fearful and others repress fear completely, thus NO FEAR (or any other feeling for that matter.)

Eventually, the feelings of fear must be uncovered, so life can be engaged with appropriate amounts of risk taking and caution. I think my children have work to do in this arena.  When my daughter calls in tears about how scared she is to be on her own, I hear the grief and work to soothe her.  My son still glazes over to avoid his fears.  There is more processing to be done for them to emerge feeling safe inside themselves and in the world.


So, what is my story.  Of course I feel fear, when I am in danger.  Since I am rarely in danger, I rarely feel fear.  I was scared to death early in my life and I think I did repress my feelings for a number of years.  In my twenties I faced my scary loss with copious crying that seemed to last forever. Talk about keeping my therapist flush with vacations for a few years. When the grief came to a natural close–my loss processed fully, made sense of, and incorporated into my narrative about myself–I returned to a life fully alive and filled with love.  That was my goal then and continues to be my goal now. I think living in love, without fear, AKA anxiety, is the outcome of doing my personal work.  I am grateful for that and for the ability to embrace life and accept it on its own terms.  For me, there is no other option.

unconditional love

Felt safety needs to be our parenting goal for our children, so they can face forward without fear and with love in their own lives.

Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 
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Utilitarian Parenting

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Utilitarian Parenting is not Good Enough Parenting. What the heck does that mean?

 
You have probably heard that YOU don’t have to be a Perfect Parent, YOU just have to be Good Enough. On the face of it, that is true. Perfection is required of no one and is by definition impossible for humans to attain anyway. Still, I find that many parents have succumbed to fast paced, over-busy, project manager, drill sergeant parenting, which turns out not to be Good Enough for the special needs of our special children.
rushed parent
Does this sound familiar?  Come on, get your teeth brushed, we have to get going. You are not going to have time for breakfast.  I have to go.  Now.  Shoes.  Just put them on in the car.  Hurry up, get out to the car.  Did you finish that last page of homework?  I told you to do it before watching cartoons.  You said you did it.  I should have checked.  I will be checking today, so don’t try to fake me out.  There is always so much traffic around the school. You have to get going earlier in the mornings, because this traffic is impossible.  I get stuck here forever.  Okay, I will pick you up right here at 3pm, so BE HERE.  We have to pick up Aunt Suzie after school, so don’t be late.  Okay, get your stuff and jump out.  I’ll see you later. Give me a hug. Okay, bye.  Have a good day.  Don’t forget to be here, right here, at 3pm. Don’t go off with your friends. I have to be on time for Aunt Suzie. Hey, look at me, tell me what you heard. Where are you going to be at 3pm today?   
 
Now multiply this by every time you talk to your child. That is Utilitarian Parenting and ultimately it is not Good Enough to win over or heal the wounded heart of a traumatized, attachment challenged child.  
 
dad nurturingWe are all busy, but that is no excuse for missing the boat on being a nurturing parent.  Slow down.  Care more about your connection than being on time.  Notice feelings more often than undone homework. Engage more, correct less. Play. Laugh. Hug. Roll around on the floor. Be silly. Give your time and attention now, or pay later.
 
This is not criticism or guilt tripping or shaming. I was raised by Utilitarian Parents, so I tended to be a Utilitarian Parent, too. It was not Good Enough for the child that I was, and it wasn’t healing enough for my kids.  I had to learn how to be engaged and nurturing. That seems kind of nutty, but it is true.
 
Try very hard to resist the urge to think your child NEEDS Utilitarian Parenting or nothing would ever get done.  Your child NEEDS YOU, all of you, your attention, your time, your touch, your loving eyes, your playful engagement, your attuned, checked-in parenting.  That is Good Enough.

Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.