Category Archives: Parenting

Being A Parent Is Hard, Duh!

Leave a reply

This is a “duh” statement, Being a parent is hard. Duh. Being a parent of an attachment challenged child is harder. Duh.

I am working every day to be a loving mother to my 18-year-old daughter. She would say I am not being loving at all. I am trying fiercely not to enable her to make poor choices by bailing her out of financial messes. She depends on me to have little resolve in this matter, but I am determined to stay firm–just as I wrote that my inner doubter whispered “I think” in my ear.

Mother DaughterBeing an attachment therapist in no way helps me with my parent/child struggle. When it comes to my daughter, I am near blind and seriously feeble-minded. I cannot tell the difference between loving and enabling her. Before I respond to any of her requests of me I have to run my thinking by my partner at home and a colleague at work, lest I do a seriously enabling act. It’s unbelievable to me that I am so mush brained with her. When it gets down to the core of it, I see her attachment challenge as a disability and I forgive so many things that are completely off because of that.

When someone makes poor choices day in and day out since they were 3-years-old, it feels hard to insist they make good ones before they can get my help. I read that last sentence to my partner and he said, “YOU have given her help for 15 years and she has never been willing to live inside the boundaries of our home or society. YOU have helped her a lot and you will have to do that the rest of your life because she will not choose a different path.” Thank goodness he was offering me a freshly made cappuccino when he said this or I might have bitten his face off. Instead, tears come to my eyes because I am gut-deep sad that I cannot save my daughter from herself, disability or not.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Enabling hurts. Love matters. Love is not enough. Life is not a quote. Parenting is hard. Duh.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

Fun with Boundaries

Leave a reply

Hi Sweet Parent–AKA, Child Whisperer,

Parent PlayingHaving fun is imperative for raising healthy children with attachment challenges. Play with boundaries is the way to go. Use your sense of humor and playfulness to teach expectations, social skills, and appropriateness. Stop the fun to set a firm boundary, when the train suddenly goes off the rails. Then, go right back to being playful. This way of engaging your child will help her learn regulation and to accept your wisdom.

Watch your own tendency to be sarcastic, dry, and snarky. If that is your style of play, you won’t be surprised then when your child returns your humor with sarcasm, sharp sardonic quips, and snark. I learned this the hard way. Keep your humor innocent and playful, rather than quick and cutting. YOU and your child deserve the lightness of being silly, emotionally safe, and joyfully engaged.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

Protection and Limit Setting

Leave a reply

Hi Sweet Parent–AKA, Child Whisperer:

Troubled BoyIf you brought home your child 10 years or 10 days ago from a difficult beginning, YOU may be battling profoundly painful shame that is easily triggered into automatic, habituated reactions of fear and resultant negative behavioral acting out. You may get pushed away, insulted, demeaned and rejected at every turn. Your child may take to self-injurious punishment by cutting themselves, hitting walls hard, or taking extreme bodily risks. There may even be disgusting behaviors like smearing feces, peeing on the floor, or eating gross things from the garbage to elicit rejection from YOU.

The overriding goal of healing this child’s broken heart is to demonstrate that no icky behavior is so horrible that it cannot be understood and addressed by YOU. There will be NO HARM here. There will be NO CASTING off.

Setting limits is essential for social rehabilitation, but that can only be done within the context of true safety from abuse or rejection by the parent.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU are earning your moniker every day–Child Whisperer.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

DOWN TO THE DEADLINE…HAVE YOU SIGNED UP!!!
Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014

Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Check out our three blogs:
www.lovestronglovelong.com
www.parentingwithheart.net
www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

Child Whisperers All

Leave a reply

Yesterday, I sent YOU an email about being called a Parent Whisperer. It occurred to me just after I pushed the send button that I am often asking YOU to be Child Whisperers. Our kids buck and kick and rear-up like wild, saddle-shy horses, not cute little puppies licking you to death for attention. Parenting your child is a delicate dance that only YOU can do. You are going to get kicked along the way, but there will be a calm that comes over your home down the road once your bucking bronco learns to trust YOU.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU are earning your moniker every day–Child Whisperer.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

The Parent Whisperer

Leave a reply

I am not meaning to toot my own horn, though the sweet acknowledgement here may seem like it. I received this email from a former client this week and I was tickled by the story. By his permission, I hope you are, too.

Hi Ce,

I was thinking about you the other day when I saw an episode of “Dog Whisper” with Cesar Milan, have you seen this show? At the start of the show he explains how he “Trains owners and rehabilitates dogs.” It was just like you! Train the parents and rehabilitate the children. Cesar Milan talks about “eye contact” and “the energy” the owner conveys; the parallels were fascinating. I don’t want to go too far with comparing children to pets, but what really struck me on the show was the amount of importance Cesar gives to making sure the owner’s emotions and verbal commands are consistent, as the dogs are very perceptive to the emotional environment.

I was (and still am) frustrated with the lack of logic my children convey when we have confrontations. I naively explain to them, “Of course you are late for school, if you would have gotten up with your alarm you would not be late. If you would have gone to bed earlier, you would not be so tired. Why are you yelling at me when I woke you up three times and YOU went back to bed.” I am bewildered by their failure to recognize such linear cause and effect relationships. The Dog Whisperer showed me I did not give my children credit for understanding the situation better than a dog. RAD children are aware of their role in being late, but are even more painfully aware of our emotional interactions and are responding to that: the elevated level of anxiety every time I went to wake them up, the sarcasm in my voice “of course you are late,” and my lack of addressing their emotional needs (the panic that their favorite sweatshirt is dirty, can not be simply addressed by handing them [I wish, honestly on many occasions it was throwing] another perfectly functioning and clean alternative). They have a better understanding of the situation than I really wanted them to have or gave them credit for. With calm eyes and an engaging presence, I had a successful morning today getting my sleepy children out of bed. Both slept through their ringing alarms (how they do this amazes me). I stayed loving and engaged….AND THEY RESPONDED!!!!!!

Thank you Ce! You are a Parent Whisperer!

Ha, this is such a wonderful learning. I just had to share it with YOU. Those of you who know me know that being treated like a dog, in my family, is akin to being treated like the King and Queen of your own little kingdom. Likening parenting children to puppy training (no spanking newspaper in our house) was by no means degrading.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

While I don’t really deserve the moniker, I’m going to keep it.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

Fear Is A Harsh Master

Leave a reply

Fear is a harsh master. At least once a week a parent confesses to me they are worried they have a budding Adam Lanza in their living room. I mean no disrespect to Adam Lanza and his family. He was a very disturbed young man whose family (guns aside) had tried to get him help for years prior to the Newtown tragedy. And that is the point of what parents are telling me. They are trying to get their child help, nothing seems to work, and they fear the outcome will be tragic.

I know that portentous fear very well. It has sliced me to the bone many times throughout my child raising years. When fear was my master, my parenting was over-controlling, reactive, and down right harsh. Children always mirror parental emotion, rather than parental intention. My fear begot scared, angry, reactive behavior from my children. I could see the reflection of my fear in their eyes.

I know YOU are scared. The antidote is love. That is so touchy feel-y, New Age-y, isn’t it? It just happens to be true. When I wrestled my fear into submission and let go to love with a capital L, my children reflected that back to me. Faking love doesn’t work, so I am not talking about pretending to be loving through gritted teeth. I am talking about surrendering fear and really finding in your heart the courage to love with an open heart. Your children can feel the difference, and in time that love will be the change YOU are looking for in them.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

If Wishes Were Horses

Leave a reply

To quote the fabulous Lucinda Williams, “If wishes were horses, I’d have a ranch.” How about YOU?

Love Matters

Love Matters

Mostly, I wish that love was all that mattered in the fight to heal the broken hearts (brains) of our children. If it were, all of our children would grow and heal and thrive, because we parents have love to give by the buckets full.

Unfortunately, love is only one ingredient. It is essential, but more is required. Sometimes YOU can throw into the pot everything imaginable, including the kitchen sink, for years on end and still not have enough ingredients to make a delicious stew.

So, my dears, make soup.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

When you pick the freshest veggies, reduce the stock to sublime, raid the garden for just the right herbs, and season the best you know how, YOU can feel proud of the soup YOU prepared. The rest of the cooking is up to your beautiful child. There may be a wonderful stew there, with a little more simmering in adulthood.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

Some Days We Just Get Tired

Leave a reply

I don’t know about YOU, but some days I just don’t want to think about parenting at all.  Okay, there, I said it.  Roar!

Teen Sleep

Now I have to go roust up my son from near death, depths of sleep to get ready for school. That’s not parenting. It is life–my daily life and likely yours.

The Attach Place Logo

 
Make the best of it.  It’s the only one you’ve got.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist
UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.
 
Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.
 
Check out our three blogs:
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too.Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

How To Think About Behavior

Leave a reply
Flipped OffUp your compassion by changing YOUR mind. The only way to parent attachment challenged children effectively is to see them clearly as little children with brains and bodies that have been severely impacted by difficult beginnings, maltreatment/abuse and attachment breaches.

Depressed Child 3

After that, YOU have to edit your own thinking about what you are seeing when you parent them every day.
This is what I mean: 
 
Behavior:        Child pushes your hugs away.
Thinking:         Child is controlling, unloving, rejecting.
Re-Think:        Child is afraid of being vulnerable and self protects
                       habitually by pushing people away.
 
Behavior:         Child spills something every day.         
Thinking:          Child is clumsy, stupid, never pays attention, or must
                        be doing this on purpose to annoy me.
Re-Think:         Child ‘s proprioceptive and vestibular senses are
                        challenged and need rehabilitation.
 
Behavior:          Child steals things repeatedly.             
Thinking:           Child is a thief, untrustworthy, embarrassing, morally
                         corrupt, and bound for prison.
Re-Think           Child has deprivation imprints, combined with
                         impulsivity.
 
Behavior:          Child lies nonsensically.                        
Thinking:           Child is a hopeless liar, bad seed, criminal,
                         antisocial, devious.
Re-Think:          Child is in survival mode most of the time: scared to
                         be caught, wrong, harmed, in-trouble, or bad (the
                               way it feels on the inside.)
 
Our compassion rises when we tell ourselves the truth about our children who have been harmed by adults early in their lives or by the circumstances of difficult biological beginnings–challenging pregnancy, neonatal surgery, birth trauma, prematurity, parental absence, illness or postpartum depression.
 
The Attach Place Logo High Parental Compassion = Parenting with Heart.
Something our children desperately need in order to heal.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist
Check out our three blogs:

Sharing with Heart

Leave a reply
Sometimes YOU might hear criticism about your parenting in my emails and I most desperately want YOU to know that that is the last thing I would like to heap upon YOU.  I want to freely give YOU love and understanding.  I have lived very near your shoes, if not in them. I truly do not blame YOU for what life has dished out. 
Path With Heart 2
That said, I do want to give YOU the benefit of some of the lessons I have learned along the way of raising my attachment challenged babies, children, teens, and now, adults. My education as a psychotherapist taught me nothing close to what I needed to help heal the broken hearts of my children. Similarly, my education taught me nothing about how to love children who are too afraid to let my love in and to love me back.  I wish a professional had been on the side of my family when my children first came home to me, but I searched far and wide and turned up very few who truly understood attachment challenge. Being a regular income person, I didn’t have the means to access treatment on the East Coast or in Europe where I found some glimmers of hope. Instead, I had to read books, tomes actually, and make calls all over the world.  Sometimes, I tried to talk with people who didn’t really speak American English.  Those were costly and futile attempts.
In the end, I experimented.  I tried what was published at the time. Created some things.  Missed some things.  I loved.  I had successes. I failed.  I nearly ended it all.  That is the truth.
The Attach Place Logo
Today, I can honestly say that I am grateful for the journey.  I have grown, changed, explored, and become a new person along the way. My children are their own people with their own trajectories. That is what I KNOW today that I didn’t know in the beginning.  I hope my account of this helps YOU in some way.  That is always my sincere hope for all of this unbecoming self disclosure–that my journey can benefit YOU and your sweet babies.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist
Check out our three blogs:
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too.Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.