Category Archives: Parenting

Love Matters Bootcamp Day 5–Empathy and Blaming

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Love Matters Bootcamp Day 5–Empathy. I have sent this out to YOU before, but do yourself a favor and take 2 minutes and 53 seconds to watch it again. 
 
Brene Brown on Empathy 2
And now, the very thing that blocks Empathy–Blaming. Come on, just 3 minutes and 14 seconds more.
 
Brene Brown on Blaming
 
These are my two favorite things to watch.  I do it over and over. They are short and on-point. I wonder what the world would be like if everyone ate-up these two videos every morning for breakfast.
A girl can dream, can’t she?
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is April 8th. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Empathy supports connection. Play more. Blame less.
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Love Matters Bootcamp Day 2–Owning Your Own Sh#*t

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Love Matters Bootcamp–Day 2 starts with “owning your own crap.” I have suddenly become very PC.  What is bugging me is my problem. 
Bug
My son enjoys talking to me a lot of the time.  He is doing nothing wrong, but it bugs me; therefore, it is my crap, not his.  When I get crazy irritated, it is my irritation.  He isn’t making me feel anything. I am responsible for taking care of myself, and, as a mother, helping my son see how his desire to talk can be annoying to others who are not in the listening mood.  His talking is not the problem, per se. My not taking care of myself is.
 
The solution might be managed entirely by me, entirely by him, or by collaboration.  If I were to handle it in a vacuum, I could walk away every time I am not in a listening mood or I could announce that I am not in a listening mood the second I realize it.  On my own, there is no way to make him stop talking or to have better social skills.
 
If he managed it entirely, he might stumble upon a social cue that could help him read the listener better, so he knows when enough is enough. He could decide he doesn’t like talking to me and never speak to me again. Then again, he could have some kind of sudden spring into maturity realizing that everyone is not interested in his every thought–we know that is not likely to happen.
 
If we collaborate, I could ask for what I need from him–some non-talk together time.  I could suggest we divine a signal to help him see that I am not in a listening mood.  I could help him see the social cue every time I am giving it.  If he has trouble observing the cue, I can go back to resolving the problem on my own–leave the room.
 
Making talking the problem is the problem.  Ownership is the answer.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is April 8th. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

If I’m bugged, it’s my bug.
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Dear YOU No Hashtag

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Turns out it is easier to write a new Daily YOU Time late than it is to send old ones on time.  I am letting go of getting it done uniformly every day in favor of just getting on with life the way I enjoy it–one email at a time, when I find the time.  I know YOU can relate to this.  Doing it all is tough sometimes.  Just got to go with the flow, even when the flow is more like Niagara Falls after the thaw.
 
I don’t know about YOU, but I sometime feel like I am caught in some weird reverse osmosis echo chamber (Scientists, I beg you to resist telling me my science is faulty.) My echo chamber goes something (exactly really) like this on a regular basis.
 
My son: “Mom, I see you moved my computer from the garage. I was wondering when you were going to do that.”
 
Me, knowingly lighthearted:  “Because it was tempting you to break the rules?”
 
My son, emphatically: “No, I just keep seeing it when I go down there and I have to resist doing something I know I will get in trouble for.”
 
Me: “Huh,” with a V-8 smash to the forehead (mine, not his.)
 
If this unscientific reverse osmosis echo chamber happens at your house, trust this:  You child is being literal, not disrespectful.  If the words do not exactly match the thoughts, then “No” with a near identical sentiment is going to follow. It isn’t as oppositionally defiant as it feels.  It is truly more about rigidity of thought in the executive function part of the brain.  Try not to feel corrected by your Munchkin, as that is likely not your child’s intention.  
 
Our children are usually simply trying to be “exactingly” right.  Being right is important, because the alternative is being WRONG, which invokes an intolerable shame spiral.  Show compassion in the face of this kind of opposition.  YOU can take the high road.  Your child often cannot.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place announces the beginning of our monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next Trust-based Paren Workshop  is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a back-to-back, two-day format. Sign up online at www.attachplace.com.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Compassion. Empathy. Acceptance. Playful. Love.
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Because YOU Matter

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All you can do is your best.  And, on any given day your best may wax or wane. Perfect parenting is not necessary, or even possible.  YOU are the best thing in the life of your child.  Forgive yourself the wane.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place announces the beginning of our monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Don’t forget parents need play days, too.
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Free Trust Based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento CA

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Presenting a new monthly Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento. This is absolutely free with childcare provided.  Come join us.
 
support group 1
support group 2
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Come out in support of yourself.
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The No Know

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How many times have you heard, “I know!” from your attachment challenged child?  Can’t imagine the number, right?
 
Don’t be fooled by the ferocious nodding and insistent remarks, accompanied by eye rolling, that make it seem like you are insulting their intelligence by giving them information. Many feel stupid, shame and even fear when they experience the vulnerability of their inexperience in the world. Most of our kids know a lot about survival but little practical about social engagement and living life in a satisfying way.  
 
Stop and gently check what they tell you they know.  Often they have only part of what they need to succeed.  Be sure to do it kindly and with empathy for that shame spiral that comes with not knowing it all.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Shame is often just under the surface. Go easy.
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Despicable Me

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Our attachment challenged kids do some despicable things.  If any one of us did them, we would be nothing short of mortified.  Yet, our children often angrily blame others for their actions or deny culpability or insist it didn’t happen at all.  The feeling of living in crazy town gets magnified for parents during these times.  Dysregulation zone ahead.
 
I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but our kids feel like they are evil to the core.  They don’t understand themselves or their behaviors.  They just do stuff.  They feel shameful.
 
Our kids are busy as bunnies trying to fill-up the holes they often feel inside their hearts.  If they just had that one thing, got to go to that one place, got to wear that one see-through dress, got that one girl, got someone to have sex with…the list goes on.  They are constantly doing things that they feel will do the trick, ease their nagging emptiness.  When the first thing doesn’t fill it up, they try the next and the next and the next.  Rarely do they have the insight to stop and say, “Maybe I am chasing the wrong things.”  
 
It is our therapeutic parenting task to unfold with our children their fierce drives, their survival modes, their repetitive patterns. We must do that with intensely accepting empathy for their feelings, their behavior, and their true infantile needs.  Above all, we must not shame them for despicable behavior in a misguided attempt to make them change their behavior. They already feel ashamed and it hasn’t stopped them yet. Another dose of shame will not be the answer.
 
Up the empathy.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Empathy is the antidote for shame.
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FOMO Is A Thing?

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I am from the generation that thought up acronyms such as SWAK and TGIF.  We were cute. I stuck with the learning curve all the way through TMI and WTF, and then I just couldn’t care anymore. Perhaps my age caught up with me.  I am old.
Today FOMO came across my lap-desk.  What the heck is FOMO? Long FO, Long MO. Do you know it?
Fear Of Missing Out.  FOMO.  FOMO has spurred the best crop of dumbphone apps to help us be in the know and instantly notified of thousands of things happening simultaneously, thereby quelling further FOMO.
On another note: My son emerged from his boy cave this morning fully dressed, jacketed, shoe’d (unusual for holiday jammie fests), with a bag of trash over his shoulder, evoking his usual adeiu, “See ya later Mom.  Love ya.”
Incredulously, What are you doing?
“I put a clean bag in already, and I’m taking the trash out on my way to Jamba Juice.  I’m multi-tasking. You said multitasking is impossible, but not for me.”
WTF. TMI.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Monday Monday, la la…la la la la
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Fifty Shades of Objectification

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This came  across my desktop today and I feel the same way, so thought I would share it with.
50 shades of objectification
Protecting Your Teen’s
Mind and Heart

Find the full post HERE.
Hi all,

It’s all the rage right now. You’ll find “Fifty Shades of Grey” plastered just about everywhere you’ll look.  Have you heard about it? I bet your teens have, too.

And that’s a problem.

Well, not really.  Not if you’ve been discussing the media hype surrounding it, and exposing the unhealthy relationship depicted in the book/movie for the unhealthy situation that it is.

If you’re not at all comfortable discussing this with your teens, I urge you to click through and see our thoughts on the topic, as well as share the article written by Dr. Meek, pediatric psychiatrist, with your teen.

It’s that important. You’ll find the link to it all on ourblog.

Start reading HERE. We hope this helps!

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Valentine’s Day Release, Oh Joy.
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Do-Si-Do Around We Go

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Oh man, I am tired of the do-si-do emotions that go on inside myself when I am trying to hold a loving stance without ensnaring my son with my own emotional hooks.  I can feel myself emotionally tilt forward with hooks out, then catch myself and pull back to neutral.  Then I tilt forward again–hooks out–only to catch myself and pull back to neutral again.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I am an emotional square dancer, perpetually do-si-do-ing in order to maintain my calm, maintain my love, and maintain my neutrality in the face of shenanigans with giant meat hooks. 
 
I desperately wish for my son and myself a moment of being an introverted and relaxed wallflower.  Thanks for the invite, but I’ll sit this one out.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
Do-si-do and around we go.
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.