Category Archives: Parenting

Spitting Mad

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Spitting Mad

Spitting Mad

You’ve heard the terms spitting mad, fighting mad, biting mad, right?  How often do you feel this way in the face of your attachment challenged (or not) child’s persistent behavior that causes you to repeat yourself? If it is often, then you have to do something different!  It won’t just go away. 

 
Up the empathy for the hard places from which your child comes by mantras and affirmations:
  • Even though I feel this rage, I love and accept my child.
  • Even though I have to repeat myself until I explode, I love and accept my child.
  • Even though I feel this rage and shame about it, I love and accept MYSELF.
What are you waiting for?  Do something different.  If you take the time to say any one or all of those mantras before you speak to your child, you will be making the change you want to see in yourself.  That’s the only person YOU can change.
 
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT

No Room For Shame

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shamed boy 2If YOU feel abundant shame, YOU may inadvertently be abundantly shaming.  Many of us were parented with a strong nod to shame to keep us following the golden rules.  Sadly, shame IS an effective deterrent to misbehavior for some children–it leaves scares, however.

It was effective with me when I was a kid, sort of.  Actually, as I think about it, I just became more sneaky and ate plenty of parent-induced and self-induced shame pie, as a result. Later in life, I came to see that I had internalized all the shaming. Not only did I see my behavior as shameful, but so was I at the core of my being, shameful.

Everything triggered a shame response inside me–tripping on a crack in Dog Shamingthe sidewalk, being complemented, making a mistake, winning awards, being seen, not being seen, laughing too much, being too much, being TOO much.  My little children’s attachment challenged behavior caused me to spin in terrible shame spirals–“bad parent” shame.  Thankfully, it was my children’s behavior that helped me get over it, too.

Nearly 5 years after I brought my children home, I began to heal and came to a solid understanding (with a lot of therapy of course) that all that shame was unnecessary and that I could keep myself “in line” with love instead.  I could help my children find their self-worth with love, too.

Forgiveness, information, help from someone wise, love from others, from a higher power, and from oneself: These are all healing salve to the shame that binds us.

There is absolutely nothing shameful about having an attachment challenged child who has difficulty in life, but sometimes we parents feel ashamed by comparing ourselves and our children to others and only seeing the ways we don’t measure up. There in lies the shame. Self-love heals shame.  If YOU have abundant shame, get abundant help.  YOU can heal.  Your children can heal, too.
self love
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Empathy Cools the Jets of Anger

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I am intimate with anger, my own.  My misunderstanding about the meaning of behavior in the early years of parenting made my blood boil.  I really thought my kids’ behavior was purposeful.  It “felt” that way to me.  Those were only my feelings though, not the facts of the matter.  The facts of the matter were more complex and required me to dig deeper into two things: 1) my own history and 2) my children’s history.

Once I realized that the attachment challenge and trauma suffered in my childhood and the attachment challenge and trauma suffered in my children’s early years transformed our normal brains into chemical turbine factories, I had a better way of understanding behavior, which facilitated the growth of my own empathy for myself and for my children.
cool your jets

 

Empathy significantly cools the jets of anger.

If YOU are too familiar with anger in your relationship with your children, then it makes sense to up your empathy through understanding the impact of attachment and trauma on the brain’s function.  In traumatized humans, survival mode is chronic and pervasive.  Turns out it isn’t really that hard to understand from the factual side.  Tornado

However, when you are swirling in a chemical spiral of emotion, it is pretty hard to see the fear at the center of the tornado.

Behavioral symptoms of a traumatized brain:
Emotional Out-bursting
Controlling
Inflexible Reacting
Demanding
Sneaking
Lying
Stealing
Hoarding
Arguing
Defending
Refusing Responsibility
Resisting Parental Authority
Defying Direction
Running Away
Distracting
Opposing

Freezing
Freezing
Freezing

Fleeing
Fleeing
Fleeing

Fighting
Fighting
Fighting

Fearing
Fearing
Fearing

Up your empathy.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • The Trust-based Parenting Course  ended last weekend and a good time was had by all, though our back sides are a little sore from all that sitting. Thanks to all of you great parents for your commitment to therapeutic parenting with heart.
  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families.  YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Painful Realities

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Some of our children won’t make it to college, find jobs with reasonable living wages, or make life long soul mate commitments.  Some will do it all. Along their paths, they may struggle.  This is the reality for all parents and children.  Life can be very difficult.  Life can be very joyful. Attachment challenged children with special needs make these unknown futures especially scary for parents.

The antidote to fear is love. I believe this in my bones.  My own fear-filled journey with my daughter recently was instantly transformed by realizing I had lost connection with my heart, my love, in favor of listening to too many critics about how I was supporting her.  Once I listened to my own heart, the fear disappeared and I could actually be the mother my daughter needed–a present and loving one.  She didn’t need my fear-informed reactions and fierce boundaries.  She needed her Mom.

YOU cannot save anyone from their own trajectory.  YOU can only hold them in your loving gaze and influence by example.  You CAN surrender your fear and transform yourself into an attachment parent, who can hold the reality of your child’s life with empathy, kindness and love.  That is attachment.  Attachment is love.  Love trumps fear.


Love Matters,
Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • The Trust-based Parenting Course  ended last weekend and a good time was had by all, though our back sides are a little sore from all that sitting. Thanks to all of you great parents for your commitment to therapeutic parenting with heart.
  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families.  YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

One Day Later

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breakfast in bedMoms, I am sure you are still reeling from all those pancakes in bed, bouquets of flowers, handmade gifts, and gobs of gratitude and love showered upon YOU yesterday for Mother’s Day.  YOU are probably still lounging in bed with a cappuccino dreaming about it all–right?  Dads, YOU will get your turn next month.
During the Trust-based Parenting course over the  weekend I spent a good bit of time helping parents see that their interpretation of their child’s motives for behavior are often misunderstandings.Here are a couple comments (paraphrased) I heard that you may think, too:
My child doesn’t value anything she has because she doesn’t care when I take her stuff away.
My child isn’t scared of anything so I have to be a drill sergeant.
My child doesn’t love me because she doesn’t even refer to me as her mother.It is an innate human drive to attach, love, and be loved.  Similarly, an innate human response to the fear following a loss of attachment (compounded when there is maltreatment) is elevated survival instincts–fight, flight or freeze.

If your child comes from difficult beginnings, most of the negative things YOU think about why your child is tantruming, not caring, not responding, or rejecting is a misinterpretation of a fight, flight or freeze survival/trauma reaction.

So here is the most accurate interpretation of nearly all persistent, negative, confusing behavior:  Our kids are stuck on surviving, which makes them seem uncaring about anything beyond themselves.  They care about everything, just not more than their own survival.


Love Matters,

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Day one of Trust-based Relational Parent Training.   Super great group of parents.  Wish YOU were here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Big HUG and APPRECIATION for the generous scholarship contributions–YOU know who YOU are.  The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.

Work It Out–Lean Toward Love

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Having spent the afternoon with my 18-year-old daughter and her 6-month-old baby, I am left pondering many divergent things and am filled with so many emotions–the greatest of which is LOVE.  I love that girl, my daughter, and feel a growing attachment with my grand baby. Along with that love and attachment is a deep concern for their obvious challenges ahead.  Another child has been born with generational attachment wounds, in spite of my efforts to change the trajectory–more proof I am not in charge of the Universe (as if I needed more). Darn it.
 
I know this has happened in many of your lives and it is perhaps what many of YOU fear if it hasn’t happened.  First of all, it doesn’t happen in all attachment challenged children’s lives.  Many grow, and heal, and thrive thanks to your ever present attention to their needs and their own tenacity, resilience, and drive to live. I have had plenty of contact over the years with adults who have worked through their childhood challenges and changed their trajectories.  I consider myself in that company.
 
All in all, both of my children express gratitude and love for the family we have together.  They feel loved, and sometimes profoundly wounded by perceived slights.  That is part of their journey.  One day, some day, down the road a little further, as they continue to heal their hearts, I trust that they will work it all out. That is part of the innate human drive to lean toward love.
 
Lean toward love.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Count down to the next Trust-based Relational Parent Training—May 10th and 17th.  Very excited. Really enjoy being with parents for these extended time periods.  Love it.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partnerspresented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Favorite Sentence

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One of my favorite parenting sentences (I think I stole from PCIT, but who can remember such details at my age?) to get the kids moving.  I don’t know why this works so frequently, but it does.  It’s sharing power, so it makes sense that it works, now that I think about it.

Okay, time to go to bed.
Noooooooo!!! I’m not done!
How much more time do you think you need? [That was the favorite sentence, though I see now that it is really a question, my favorite parenting question.]
10 minutes.
Let’s compromise–5 more minutes.
Awwwa, okay.
Two minutes later, he is done and down the hall to the bedroom.

I know you don’t believe me, so start small and build up to bedtime.

cartoon momMy son has been home “sick” in bed for two days.
I asked him, How much more time do you think you need?
Uhh, I’m pretty sick.  My stomach really has been hurting.  Uh, a week?
Let’s compromise–you’re getting your butt to school to-mor-row.
It was worth a try, Mom.
We giggled.  He’s going to school tomorrow.

Wow, crazy as it seems, I have raised a seriously reasonable kid.  I worried that would never happen.  I often had so little faith in the face of so much fear.

Good thing I kept putting one foot in front of the other.  Just like YOU.


Keep the faith. Keep walking forward.
The Attach Place Logo

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Count down to the next Trust-based Relational Parent Training—May 10th and 17th.  Very excited. Really enjoy being with parents for these extended time periods.  Love it.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.

Falling On My Nose

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trippingI fall a lot.  Just this week I fell right on my nose.  Didn’t break it, so all is well.  I fall so often that when I texted my husband about an accident outside the house between a bicyclist and a SUV, he texted back, What hospital are you going to?  Huh, wah?  It took three texts to clarify to him I wasn’t talking about myself, but rather about a stranger in the front yard (bicyclist hurt her foot, not too serious, for those of you with inquiring minds.)
Both of my kids had and still have proprioceptive and vestibular deficits.  They fall a lot, have trouble riding skate boards and bikes, slam into closed doors to seemingly stop, spill stuff, drop stuff, put things away with lids ajar, hug like jellyfish, and clean up like blind-folded raccoons.  Physical life is hard for them and my empathy was not always as high as it is now.

Frankly, I didn’t understand the constant physical mayhem running around me, but I wish I had. If so, I would have participated more fiercely in Occupational Therapy with them.  As it was, I sent them, but didn’t realize I could have contributed to making their lives easier by providing–Wilbarger Brushing Technique (as prescribed), Full Body Deep Pressure Touch, Joint Compression Activities, Interactive Brain Gym Play, Crash and Bump Play Space, Massage, Sensory Engagement, and Rough and Tumble Play.

What are YOU doing every day to help your child integrate and organize the sensory input of living?  It matters more than soccer practice.

The Attach Place Logo
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
The link code was wonky, if you had trouble clicking into the Love Matters Scholarship page this week. I think it is fixed now.
 
The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
 
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th.  
 
Check out our three blogs:
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Loving Restraint

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This weekend The Attach Place held a small and wonderful Hold Me Tight Workshop for parents like YOU.  A good time was had by all, except one little guy who I ended up restraining.  Yep, you heard it here.  I had to restrain one of the children in child-care who was harming his siblings and himself.  It had been a long time since I held a child “against his will,” which is a terrible feeling.  Sometimes holding is the only way to keep everyone safe.  
 
In that moment I was hurled back in time when restraining my children was a daily event. While I was stroking the forehead of this little boy to soothe him, I was filled with love for him and his parents. Simultaneously, I felt a kind of forgiveness wash over me for the mother I had to be 10 years ago.  
 
We do what we have to do.  Shame is not required.
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Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th.  It is close to full already, so go to www.attachplace.com to register soon to reserve your space.  
Check out our three blogs:

 

Start Your Planning

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Parents Really Need Naps

Parents Really Need Naps

Ladies and gentlemen, 

Start your planning.  Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are coming up soon. I challenge YOU to make arrangements for some delicious respite to celebrate being the fabulous parents that you are to the fabulous children that YOU love.
 
Yes, I know you savor those sweet homemade cards, thoughtful though obligatory pink carnations, breakfasts in bed that stay forever stained on the comforter, and gift cards from Sharper Image, but what about some serious alone time at a Day Spa or with your partner somewhere secluded or adventurous, sans children.
 
If Hallmark is going to give us parents two whole days, by all means, let’s take advantage of them. 
Yes you can make it happen, with a lot of planning and a bit of saving.  It just might be worth it.
This year we are sending the darlings away for an adventure with friends while we stay home for adult activities.  That is not costing us a cent. I love that.
 
Will YOU accept the challenge? I hope so.
The Attach Place Logo
Love and Respite Matter,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT