Category Archives: Playful Parenting

First Line of Correction

Leave a reply
The first line of correction is playful engagement, not emotional reprimand.  
 
Example:
Situation: When messing around, your child spills milk. 
Correction: Oh oh…it’s a messy day.  Let’s clean it up.
Situation: When continuing to mess around, your child spills milk a second time.
Correction:  Oh my goodness, I need to buy a cow to keep us in milk. Let’s push the milk back a little so your flying hands don’t knock it over.  Run get a cloth to wipe this up.
This can be taken care of without an ounce of anger, frustration, negativity or shame.  It’s just spilled milk.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

What behavior is worth flipping your lid over?

When RAD Heals

Leave a reply
Last night as I was about 15 minutes from heading out the door to catch a redeye to the East Coast, my son says, “Mom, I don’t think I have that reactive attachment stuff anymore.”
 
Hmmmm…?
 
“Yaya, I’m going to miss you while you are gone and I really love you now.  I think it’s over.”
 
I was thinking it’s been over for awhile now. 
 
“No, no it hasn’t, but it is now.”
Well, thanks for telling me.  I love you, too.
“I know YOU love ME, MOM.”
(Good talk then.)  See you in ten days, I say with a bit too much glee and a snappy little Snoopy Dance all the way to the car.  He didn’t see it. I promise.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is August 12th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins August 22nd and August 29th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Life wounds. RAD heals.

Be The Leader Not The Director

Leave a reply

I have a sweet friend, Grish, who raised a great son who also happens to have Autism.  He is graduating from UC Davis on Saturday.  Isn’t that cool?

Okay, I am mentioning this because I am proud of him and of her forever loving support of him.  I also want to share something she taught me about how she handled his incessant, self-focused talking. She taught him she could hear about four sentences on a topic before she stopped being able to hear at all.

Lightbulb!  I had never thought of that before that day.  I could just teach my children to stop after four sentences.  That turned out significantly harder than it sounds, of course. Isn’t everything?

My kids both get it now though.  They talk enough to share and not too much to make me start to pull my hair out.  It took about a year to drive it home, but it was worth it.  

I love it that my kids both still want to talk to me, share with me, get my ideas on things, etc.  I also really love that I can stop them now after a few minutes without hurting their feelings.   As a matter of fact, when their eyes glaze over when I am talking to them we can joke about my having over-reached my four sentences.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is July 8th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 9am to 5pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When they talk, listen.  Just be sure to take care of yourself by limiting the amount of talk your ears can tolerate.

Re-Do Time

1 Reply
Okay, re-do. That is one of the first levels of correction we can use with our children if–and it is a big IF–we can be playful, sweet, and respectful.  Remember, corrections are intended to help our children learn to be family kids, not punishments for not innately knowing how to do it despite our repeated corrections.  

Here are some examples for the playfully challenged, which I am known to be sometimes.  How about YOU?

Your child demands a snack.
Hey sweetie pie will you ask again kindly please?

Your child barges into the room banging the walls with a band instrument, knocking down a picture frame, and creating an unnecessary ruckus.
Holy Mole Guacamole, whoa, take a second handsome and try that entry again. Yes, I mean it.  I know you can do it like a kid instead of Godzilla.

Your child is snarky when you tell him to take out the trash.
Uh-oh, I said that without thinking. Sorry honey. What I meant to say was, In the next few minutes please take the trash out, so I can get going on dinner.  What do you say?

Your child gives you attitude.
Whoa, we are working on this kindness thing, right?  Will you show me some love in your voice and say it again please?
No! I won’t!
Something must be wrong. Can I help you with something?
No!
Okay, we can talk again later when we can do it with kindness. I’ll be right here.

Remember, corrections are not punishments. Try it again with kindness applies to us parents, too.  Punishment does not teach our children anything, except that we are bigger and can be meaner.  When they get bigger, imagine what they will do with that learning. Give what you want to get.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 10 to 4pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Parents need re-dos sometimes, too.

Teens Need Play Too

Leave a reply
Hey YOU, teen parents: teens need play, too.  The challenge is weathering the negative attitude on the way to having fun and tolerating the negative attitude on the way back.  YOU will be in serious contention for the Mother Teresa or Ghandi award.  There isn’t a lot in it for YOU, except knowing that you are oiling the gears of your relationship with your teen.  YOU are putting fun in their tanks.  They will  appreciate YOU for it; just not out loud while they are teens.  Your relationship will be strengthened because of your effort.
 
One last thing about play with teens.  Teens are seriously impressed by novelty.  Novel fun is priceless and impactful to them.  So, take them somewhere interesting and different…then do everything side by side.
 
Spelunking
Ropes Course
Wall Climbing
Work Vacation in Mexico, Guatemala, Appalachia, Nepal, Dominican Republic, Calcutta
Backpack into the Sierra
Soup Kitchen in SF
Weekend with the Homeless Program
White Water Rafting
Go Cart Driving
Snorkeling
Surf Boarding
Skydiving
Gold Mining
Cruise to Alaska, Mexico, Nova Scotia
Bike Ride through Italy, France, U.S.
Arcades
Amusement Parks
Safari
Visit Stonehenge, Pueblos in New Mexico, Niagara Falls, Acropolis 
Donkey Trip in the Grand Canyon
Ellis Island
9/11 Ground Zero
Smithsonian
Holocaust Museum
Mount Rushmore
Spirituality Retreat
Swim with Dolphins
Workout Together
Run Together
Volunteer Together
Water Park
 
I know you are not made of money, so only do what you can afford. Camping will do. Soup kitchens are free.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  over the weekend.  Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday.  Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Get into the kitchen with your teen and see what you can create.
grow-bottom1.gif grow-bottom2.gif grow-bottom3.gif

Play Is For Now Work Is For Getting Done

Leave a reply
Is it me or has life really started to get out-of-hand, too fast and too furious?  I spend most of my day talking to parents about playing– playing for yourself and playing with your children.  Have you ever noticed how a good laugh is better than an aspirin for what hurts? Or after a day at the spa with the wedding party or a leisurely round of golf, you can count on a good night’s sleep?  Or when you are sick as a dog (Why is that a saying?  My dog is rarely sick.) and really can’t do anything, have you noticed how nice it feels to actually do nothing? Well, that is the only reason I let myself get sick–to “do” nothing. Seems like there is a better way to get a day off–like plan one.  Heaven forbid I start playing a lot every day, right?  Nothing would ever get done!
 
Work and play are vastly different, polar opposites you might say. Work is all about the end game, accomplishing a goal, getting the job over and done, so we can stop.  Play is about being in the present moment, goalless, connecting, and allowing whatever happens happen.  Imagination, fantasy, and delight camp-out here.
 
Most of us have a tendency to come home from our goal oriented work or be home with our goal oriented tasks, just to set some more goals around getting dinner done, getting baths done, getting homework done, getting reading time done, getting the bedtime routine done, so we can…what?  Sleep.
 
I know I am preaching to the choir.  YOU know you are too busy to enjoy life; with the ballet and baseball, swimming and Girl Scouts, play dates and a zillion lists to help you keep all the balls in the air. Oh yeah, we all have Smartphones, so we have shared calendars that sync every minute (not lists anymore.)  I tell you, I am always up-to-date on the latest thing to do. I notice that one of my friends whose calendar I am synced with puts vacuuming the house on it. I don’t know why, but it seems funny-sad to me somehow.  And then I realize that I put similar funny-sad things on my calendar that she reads.
 
Slow down.  Your children need present play time with you, not a zillion extracurriculars.  Let the tasks go “undone” longer.  YOU need play for you, too. Cleanliness will not get you tickets into the Kingdom like you were told. Love will.  You know that bumper sticker LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH?  Bumper sticker gospel works for me. How about YOU?
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  over the weekend.  Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday.  Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, PLAY, PLAY, PLAY
grow-bottom1.gif grow-bottom2.gif grow-bottom3.gif

This One Is For YOU

Leave a reply
This one is for YOU.
Super Stong Heart 2
Take a victory lap.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Moms and Dads.
sunflowers-bottom.gif

 

Once Upon A Time

Leave a reply
Everyone needs to make sense of their lives.  Our children especially need to understand their own stories.  Until they do fully, tell them stories.  Once upon a time stories…  I remember when stories…  Moral of the story stories… Happy ending stories… I’ll start and you add-on stories… Alternative ending stories… When I was little stories…  My grandfather stories…  Hero stories… Good vs. Evil stories… Tell me a story about your day stories…  When you were a baby, I bet stories… One time stories… Bedtime stories… Daytime stories…  Story for the sake of stories stories…
 
Children love stories, whether you make them up, repeat a few, co-create them, imagine them, write them, share them, re-tell them, or listen to them.  Do more of what your children love.
Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Children love stories.
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th.  Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Eyeballs

Leave a reply
When was the last time you said to your child, “Let me look at those beautiful eyeballs of yours”?  
 
When you do playfully get them gazing back, YOU can respond with a sweet, loving, eyeball-to-eyeball smile of recognition–I claim YOU, sweet child; YOU are home in my heart.
 
Soft, eye contact is a pathway to the deep heart of your child’s brain. With every intimate look, you and your child get a jolt of oxytocin and dopamine–ahhhh, love juice.
Eyeball Challenge: Consciously double your soft, playful eye contact every day for a week and see what happens.  I dare YOU.
Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

YOU must claim your child first
before expecting your child to claim YOU back.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th.  Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

The Opposite Of Traditional Parenting

Leave a reply
Parents of attached children from relatively smooth beginnings parent with the end in mind.  From the moment of birth parents are teaching their child how to grow up to become competent, confident and responsible adults. Of course there is some playing around in between, but most of the parental engagement is designed to make the children (age appropriately) more and more responsible for their own lives.
 
Our children from difficult beginnings are often traumatized and forced by biology into thinking, believing, and acting as though they are on their own to survive. When all of a child’s efforts are focused on survival, s/he misses out on very basic parts of being a happy human being–things like play, pleasure, joy, delight, and carefree doddling.  (Yes, they all definitely know how to doddle, but it isn’t carefree.)
 
Parenting for these kinds of children is all about helping them be “children.” This doesn’t mean they don’t have to learn to be responsible adults.  It means they have to learn to be children first. 
 
I know you are scared that encouraging your child to be a child will perpetually stunt an already delayed developmental process. After all, aren’t our children the most disorganized, unconcerned, selfish, irresponsible, illogical, childish people you have ever met? (I can’t tell you how many adoptive parents introduce their child to me as “28 going on 2-years old.”) So, yes and no.  Our children are equally filled with huge levels of fear, anxiety, hypervigilance, control, panic, and dysregulation?
 
Attachment challenged children need the opposite of traditional parenting first. Teach them to play by playing with them–a lot. Withhold the constant nagging, teaching, training, and consequencing for their lack of follow through, lack of organization, lack of concern, lack of responsibility taking.  Let your child off the adult hook until play comes easily, pleasure abounds, and joy is abundant.  Once this occurs, it will be much easier to help them become happy, responsible adults.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th.  Save the date.
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
The Attach Place/Neurofeedback Solutions is an active supporter of The Wounded Warrior Project. We give free neurofeedback treatment to veterans.  If you know someone  in the Sacramento area who is suffering from the effects of war, we are here to help one soldier at a time.

Play today or pay tomorrow.