Category Archives: Reactive Attachment Disorder

Brain-based Parenting, What?

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Brain-based parenting is one of the true keys to helping our complex, attachment challenged children become family kids.

Children with complex trauma and attachment breaches usually have reactive, stressed out brains.  They have very little access to their pre-frontal cortex, even when perfectly calm. That part of the brain is responsible for good judgment, organization, rational thought, language skills, cause and effect thinking, moral reasoning, and information recall.

Now toss some stress into the mix.  You know, surprise her with a sudden change of plans.  Tell him to quickly get ready for school.  Tell her do her homework with you or by herself without you.  Gently explain that his friend doesn’t want to play with him anymore because he doesn’t like being spat upon.  Challenge her to start that big project right now.  Shout, “Take the trash out!”  Give him an angry face.  Throw away a piece of trash/treasure from under the bed.  Confront her with a chore done poorly.  Hug him without his permission.  Tell her to change her too short skirt.  Hint about a surprise.  Remind him that Christmas is coming.  Nicely tell her to turn the TV off two minutes before the end of the show, and on and on.

If you were a brain-based parent, you would start all conversations with a request for a few deep breaths and a gentle reminder that nothing is wrong, that you are going to tell him something and he is not in trouble.  After that, you would say, “Ready?”  Wait for the all ready sign then slowly explain what comes next. “We are going over to Grandma’s house instead of to Uncle Tom’s house.”

I can hear your exasperation from here. Really? Are you kidding me? Do you realize that I have things to do, places to go, and no time for dilly-dallying?  I know. I know.

If you think slowing down to talk your child through the changes of every day life is like watching ice melt on a busy day, then consider the alternative. How much time does it take to get any kind of positive movement from your child once the stress hormone (cortisol) has kicked in, the pre-frontal cortex has gone off-line, and you have to resort to chasing him around the house, tackling him and making him put hisdarned shoes on now!  Fearful, raging, tantrums ensue.  Tick tock.  The clock did not stop and now you are an hour late (at least).

Two-minutes of proactive, brain-based parenting, can prevent hours of reactive, brain-based fall-out.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is November 11that a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care. 

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates areDecember 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Take time for explaining, training, and listening to complaining.

Toxic Stress Part 2

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The only way to change the toxic stress that may be poisoning your family life is to get on board a huge parent self-care regimen for yourself, that I wrote about yesterday, and a daily felt safety diet for your child.

Felt Safety Diet:

  1. First and foremost: Well regulated parents who have an establishedSelf-care Regimen.
  2. A slow pace.  Pretend you live in a small sleepy town where no one feels the need to speed.  Then, don’t speed, rush, hustle, bustle, race, multi-task, or try to live three lives at once.
  3. Attune to your child’s needs for connection, engagement, attention, playfulness.  Play with your children.  Watching them play is not the same thing.
  4. Lose the concept of punishment and consequences.  Use structure and gentle correction instead.  If you use punishment and consequences, your child will fear you while continuing to do the things you don’t want them to do.
  5. Set the behavior bar low, so your child is successful.  Praise like crazy for achieving it. Setting the bar too high will cause behavior like giving up, throwing in the towel, defiance, opposition, or not even trying.
  6. Accept your child for who they actually are, rather than for who you wish they were.  This is a big one.  Stop working so hard to make them different.  Imagine someone doing that to you every day, all day.
  7. Never forget that your child probably has some kind of sensory integration issue because children from difficult beginnings usually do.  Give them a steady schedule (every two hours) of physicality, healthy food/snacks and big hydration.
  8. Finally, work very hard to be sure your child’s school is trauma informed, so your child isn’t inadvertently emotionally harmed.

And there you have it: a healing Felt Safety Diet.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is November 11that a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care. 

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates areDecember 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Take a look at your calendar.  If the word respite does not appear there, get to it.

A Little Bite of Neuroscience On Sleep

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Here is some simple reality about human brains and sleep related to, you guessed it, phones, tablets, computer screens.  Sleep is the number one source of environmental empowerment of our children.  Let’s be sure we are looking at screen time, when kids are melting down during the day.

dan siegel on slepp

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is November 11th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care.
The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Screens are a fact.  
Let’s learn to use them in ways that won’t hurt our brains.

Sensitivities

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I have saved myself quite a bit of money over the years being sensitive to perfume. Yep, I can’t spend more than 15 minutes in Macy’s, Nordstroms, or any mall anywhere without getting sneezy, wheezy, and dizzy.  I am amazed by this fabulous built-in shopping deterrent.  
 
Just as I am sensitive to scents, my children and likely yours are sensitive to rejection and humiliation.  Their sensitivities make them prone to lying and reflexive arguing.  Hardwired into parental brains is a monumental dislike of a child’s back talk.  Our instant ire at compulsive lying goes without saying, right?
 
Attachment challenged, traumatized children cannot tolerate being wrong, bad, criticized, or humiliated (due to feeling damaged from abuse and abandonment before you), so they are on auto-lie and auto-defend most of the time. You can help them by being a safe person in their lives who does not over-react emotionally to their defend and deny survival instincts. 
 
When you detect an auto-lie, lovingly say, “I know you are scared right now.  You are not in trouble. Let’s talk when you fell less afraid to tell me.  Try again in a few minutes, okay honey?”  Follow this with a hug and, “I love you.”  Remember auto-lying is not about YOU, so you don’t have to take it personally.
 
When you get a rash of defensive denial, say something like, “I know you don’t want to be wrong, and you aren’t.  I only want you to hear what I am saying and to understand what you are saying.  That’s all honey.”   Follow this by a genuine loving smile and reassurance.  Remember they are sensitive to being wrong, which makes it hard for them to hear parents.  Tip: Ask yourself what makes it hard for YOU to hear children?  
 
You can decrease your child’s sensitivity to feeling bad or wrong by allowing room, little by little, to let learning be your goal and being in trouble to be obsolete.  Learning to be a healthy adult is the primary point of raising a healthy child.  Anger, shame, humiliation, exasperation, and rejection block all learning in everyone, especially your traumatized child.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Learning only happens in a safe space.

Waiting for the Next Shoe to Drop

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Beware your human nature to be stuck in emotional neutral waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Trust me, if you have children from difficult beginnings, the shoe will drop.  
 
How about doing life differently?  Consider leaning into the peace, moving forward, accepting positive lulls, breathing freely, embracing the good stuff. The opposite will likely cycle back in the next few minutes, few hours, few days, few weeks.  Why stick in an anticipatory fear state waiting for the worst?  Doing so makes it nearly impossible to enjoy your child in-between the shenanigans.  
 
For argument sake, let’s say it takes 400 repetitions to create a new neuropathway. That means there will be four-hundred and one opportunities to enjoy life joyfully between the repetitions.  
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Lean into the peace; good stuff happens there.

Teenage Play Dates

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I am a mother who had very few Mommy Moments in the raising of my children. You know, those sweet moments when a warm feeling blossoms up like a big Pink Peony in your chest? Pretty sure many Dads aren’t feeling the Pink Peony metaphor, so substitute here whatever the man equivalent of that is–Red Lamborghini Moment? Sometimes I like being completely sexist, so stop groaning. YOU may not be getting many of those sweet moments right now either if you are still in the daily trenches of humiliating Target meltdowns, broken dishes on the kitchen floor, spilled milk all over the restaurant, and bite marks on your forearms.
 
In the past, overnights and playdates just couldn’t happen without incidents of grand proportion, so they eventually got ruled out entirely.  I got tired of my kids losing already tentative friendships and trying to get into the good graces of parents who might give my kids another chance with their kids in the park or at the pool party or overnight in their living room (without locking up all the food, cell phones, wallets, and car keys.)
 
Now that I have six adult teens in my life (four of whom are previously diagnosed RAD kids),  I am getting an odd abundance of Pink Peony moments.  This weekend my house was taken over by boys eating, laughing, playing video games, going out for snack attacks, and coming home just to eat again. At the same time, one of the girls flew to and from L.A. by herself to visit family that previously refused to accept her into their home–even for a one hour visit.  She had a great, incident-free day. And yesterday, two others gushed over their beautiful, smiling daughter in pictures taken with the new iPhone I sent them in the mail last week–tag lines like I love you so much Mom and She is smiling because we are saying, ‘Smile for Grammy over and over.’
 
With attachment challenged, traumatized, and special needs children the Pink Peony moments may be delayed.  Wait for them.  I promise they arrive little by little over time until in young adulthood they have no trouble expressing how much YOU mean to them.  Wait for it.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Blue Carnation Moments? 

The Mad Bad Persona

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If your child has gotten into her fair share of trouble, in or around your home, you can bet The Mad Bad persona is hiding inside. 
 
That is not to say YOU don’t get to see The Mad Bad because YOU definitely do, right?  What you may not see is the psychological mechanism hidden beneath The Mad Bad.  
 
Children who come from difficult beginnings, often come to us scared, confused, and stuck on survival.  Survival brain makes a child focused on getting what he needs and wants at all cost.  That means sneaking, stealing, lying, and denying most of what they do. It may even seem like they don’t care when they are in trouble. That feigned lack of regard is part of the survival brain.  One cannot stop and worry about being in trouble when a tiger is in the rearview mirror (so to speak.)
 
Prolonged survival (in trouble) mode causes a child, who already thinks he was rejected, discarded, abandoned, and tortured by bio family for being bad, to start to experience himself as bad at the core–I am bad.  Once this happens the life course goes on autopilot being sad, feeling mad, and acting bad.
 
If YOU think your child feels she is bad inside, then your job as a parent is to crank up the positive feedback and reduce all the negative to zero.  Giving negative feedback (e.g. parental lecturing, expressed hopelessness, exasperation, despair, shaming, anger, punishment, rejection, isolation, scorn, disappointment, and disparaging comments) to The Mad Bad persona feeds the beast. The more YOU feed it, the bigger it grows.
 
Feed theThe Wounded Heart of your child.  Let The Mad Bad persona starve to death.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30pm.Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required especially if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Beware: The Mad Bad beast lives here.

Impressionable Minds

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Most children are impressionable.  Many remain that way into their teen years.  Our attachment challenged, trauma imprinted children, long after the wounds of attachment seem healed, continue to be gullible, swayable and highly prone to following another’s lead. Some of our children can manage to follow another while looking like they are leading.
The problem with being a follower is that children with compromised regulatory systems do not have well-developed executive function parts of the brain, so they go along with things they really wouldn’t if they had half a chance to think it through.
We need to supervise most of our children long into adulthood. That is a fact. On their own they make decisions with little thought, though they think they have given these ideas lots of thought. It is hard to provide supervision without humiliating or undermining the confidence of the budding adult poking up from the soil of their difficult childhoods. 
 
Recently one of my adult children decided that having a sex change was a real option. I can thank Caitlyn Jenner for taking the public lead on this.  While I have no problem whatsoever with transgender people or with Caitlyn Jenner, the pronouncement was a surprise, you might say.
 
Child:  Mom, I have made a decision. I have been thinking about this a lot and I’m nervous about telling you.  Umm, you know what I am going to say, right?
 
Me:  Not really, no.  Give me a hint.
 
Child:  You know how I act?  Umm, uh, umm, so I want to have a sex change so I fit more how I am.
 
Me:  Mastering the fine art of nonchalance, Okay.  Well have you researched it?
 
Child:  Yes, and I really have thought about this for a long time.  I even talked about it with my friend’s moms already. 
 
Me:  Still so very calm in close to the tone of saying I am making you a bologna sandwich, Oh you did? Okay. I am glad you are telling me, too.  It is okay with me, but I want you to do one thing first, which will be required before a sex change anyway.  Go online and look up transgender groups at the GLBTQ office.  There is one for people just like you who are researching gender reassignment–that’s what it’s called, I think–that meets right down the street. That is the first step.
 
Child:  While jumping up and shouting back, Okay, I’ll do that.
 
Two days later.
 
Child:  I’ve made a decision Mom.
 
Me:  About what?  
 
Child:  You know.
 
Me:  Hint?  Oops, bad Mommy, I should have remembered.
 
Child:  I am not going to get a gender change.
 
Me:  While continuing to brown the meatballs, Oh? You are not going to go to the group first before deciding?
 
Child:  No, I looked it up and saw how painful the whole thing is, so I made a different decision.
 
Me:  Okay, thanks for letting me know.
 
Child:  Yeah, I also looked up Kendo classes and I found one I want to take.  Do you have a minute to look at it?
 
Me:  Secret wry smile, Sure.
Transgender group. Kendo group. Either one works.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30pm. Join us.  Online RSVP each month required especially if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

It’s a good thing to have a sense of humor 
or your life might seem down right scary.

High Road Parenting

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High road parenting requires skills.  What are those?

  1. Ability to acknowledge your own feelings.
  2. Keeping the big picture in the foreground at all times–your child is developmentally delayed due to trauma.
  3. Facility with regulation techniques for yourself and your child.
  4. Patience to wait until your child is regulated before speaking.
  5. Patience to wait until you are regulated before speaking.
  6. Knowledge of therapeutic parenting practices.
  7. Consciously accessing respite, rest and relaxation on a regular basis.
  8. Willingness to forgive yourself when you drive off the high road into a ditch.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is Octorber 14th at a NEW time–5:30pm.Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required especially if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When you fall off the high road into a ditch, take your foot off of the gas.

See the Light

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Got phished and spent every free moment Thursday and Friday restoring my passwords and opening new bank accounts.   Missed Friday’s letter to YOU.  
 
I don’t think Dr. Wayne Dyer ever raised attachment challenged, traumatized children, but he could have done a great job if he lived by his own words:
 
See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see.
Give this a shot today.  Start by seeing the light in yourself first; then, move right along to your challenging child.  See if it makes a difference in your feelings and the behavior of your child.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Everyone has a light inside.  It is our blessing to see it.