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Extrapolation Nation

(If you are planning on attending the upcoming Trust based Parent Training, take a look at the bottom of this page because the dates and times have changed. No inconvenience intended.)

For your edification, this is the definition of extrapolation according to my BFF M. Webster:

Extrapolation is an act or instance of inferring an unknown from something that is known.

One of the most mind-bending features of trauma on the brain is the way it can interfere with the development of extrapolation

skills–a handy little executive function.

When I taught my son how to measure a cup of water for making instant oatmeal, he was 6-years-old and I didn’t expect him to remember how to do it the next time. When he was 12-years-old, I really, really, really wanted him to be able to measure a cup of water for instant oatmeal from one day to the next. Really, really, really, I did.

Unfortunately, year after year, I have had to tell him how much water to use (and how long to cook it, for that matter.) Oh yeah, he can read the label on the package. Oh yeah, there is a cheat sheet on making instant oatmeal in his “How To Do Everything” binder. Oh yeah, he has an average IQ.

Funny thing though: he knows the fastest footpath to Target; he knows how much “found” change it takes to buy mini donuts at the corner store; he knows how to buy stuff on the internet by “borrowing” my credit card (apparently the security code on the back of a credit card is innate knowledge); and he knows how to take the RT to a friend’s house. Why in the world can he not remember how much clothing is too much clothing for the washer, how to turn on the dishwasher, or how to cook instant oatmeal?

ARGHHHHH!!!!

If this is familiar, then you can know that your traumatized child has what we call spiky access to his executive function. Sometimes she can and sometimes she can’t extrapolate. It is what it is. No need to lose your marbles over it or break your tender relationship because of it. Instead, breathe and direct him to the place where he can find the answer to his 999th question about the same thing. One day, out of the blue, like an epiphany or lightening bolt to the forehead, your child will just be able to do it.

At that point, SNOOPY Dance!

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

One cup, 90 seconds. One cup, 90 seconds. One cup, 90 seconds. Heaven forbid I change our brand of oatmeal with different amounts of water and cooking times. Change is scary, my son says. I believe him.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

If YOU Knew What I Know

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In response to Dear Desperate yesterday, I heard back from so many of YOU. Some with Amen Sister! Some with stories of hell being endured across the country by parents just like YOU. And some from parents who, like me, are mostly on the other side of the daily chaos.

To those of YOU in the thick of it, one day this will calm way, way down. Try to reign in your fear of all things horrible happening, and take each day as it comes. Some days will feel like a springtime and others like Tsunamis. One day after the other, year by year, your children will grow, mature, and begin to take conscious steps on their own. Our challenged kids learn to live the way a baby learns to walk. They fall down a lot over the course of their childhoods and teen years. Stuff gets broken. Little by little, with our healing support and the support of the community, they begin to crawl, then walk. Their gaits are not always steady by the time they reach adulthood, but they fall way less often. And for that YOU will be joyous and feel triumphant beyond your wildest imagination.

To those of YOU out of the thicket and into the sun, embossed Super Parent Under-Armor all around. Wear it proudly beneath your togs. Your lives are like Snoopy Dances to my soul. If all parents knew what I know about the end game, they would feel more hopeful. I have tons of hope, because YOU tell me your stories and I have one of my own. Also, I get to be a small part of the journey with many of YOU. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Yep, filled with hope is the way to go. Hope makes the cobblestones a little less painful under your bare feet as you wind your way through dark valleys and up the steep cliffs to lighter days on the mountaintop.

Love Matters,