Back to Bed He Goes

Dear Parents,

As you know, I am now in recovery from electronics enabling my son.  I found his last hold out cell phone (generous gift from an equally addicted friend) this morning and put it where all things electronic go–between the mattresses in my bedroom (shhhhh, that’s my secret hiding place).

Just as soon as I confiscated it, my sweet electronics addicted child went back to bed.  If you are a religious blog reader, you know I have been around this corner many times before.  He will stay in bed for 3 or 4 days, wasting away (except when I leave the house and he forages the kitchen), and angry as a hornet.  He thinks he is punishing me by not going to school and hiding out in his room.  You may recall that I enjoy the quiet when he is punishing me this way.

I am sad that my son cannot function if he has even one device, but that is the state of his brain.  I have determined through my persistent, tenacious enabling that he will not reach his full human capacity if he has so much as a rather benign iPod.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Biting the bullet is hard on the teeth.

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big biglove. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Parents Are Amazing

Dear Parents,

You are amazing.  Every day I sit in my office with you and feel the despair, frustration, desperation and love you experience while living through the ups and downs of raising your challenging children.  I feel big love for you.  Without your tenacious therapeutic practices, your child would continue to have difficulty managing emotions, developing regulation, experiencing success, and healing deep within.  Unfortunately, you will only see little snippets of that growth here and there over a long period of time (well into adulthood).  That is the nature of a healing parent’s life.

Stay strong. Press on. Get support. Take respite. Find quiet. Seek love. Go play. Then pray. Keep calm. Carry on. Breathe deeply. You matter.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters, too.

Ce

 

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big biglove. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Big Fat Enabler

Dear Parent,

Hello: My name is Ce, and I am a big fat electronics enabler.  There, I said it.  In January I gave my previously traumatized, attachment-challenged son a new computer for his birthday and he cannot manage it.  I knew that before I did it, and I did it anyway. Yep, that is the definition of an electronics enabler.

Today, I took it away, plus all the other little devices he has stored up over the years.  My son is an electronics addict.  I am an electronics enabler.  Electronics of all flavors interfere with his ability to function, to be responsible, to take care of himself, to engage with others, to care about people, and to care about his life. How in the world could I do that to him?

Well, I wanted to make him happy, and electronics make him happy in a way nothing else does; but that is just an excuse.  He does enjoy other things, when he has no other electronic option.  I am the one who caves to his desires.  I am his enabler.

Unlike other co-electronics-dependents, I am not powerless over this enabling.  I can put my foot down.  I put my foot down.  Quietly, without fanfare, I destroyed all the electronics in his possession.  I have severely disturbed my son.  I can live with that.  He cannot live unless I disturb his addiction.  Done.

My son has retreated to his bedroom, angry with me for my actions.  I told him my actions are acts of love.  And, they are.  They really are.  I love that boy and I don’t like him at all when he is practicing his addiction.  Enabling him makes no sense.  I am a sensible person.  I am now in recovery.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

 

 

When Parenting Fails

Dear Parent,

About a year ago when my attachment-challenged son turned 18, he stopped showering. Well, that isn’t fair.  He reduced showering to about once a week whether he needed one or not. Right, what teen boy doesn’t need two showers a day?  I stopped taking him places in the car unless he showered and eventually, out of self defense, I refused to hug him.

I think he decided he was going to have total control over something in adulthood, so he unconsciously chose body filth as his rebel cause.  Yesterday, his high school teacher made him go take a shower in the middle of the day.  He was actually humiliated, and told me it was one of the worst days of his life. Secretly, I felt a little hopeful about that.

This morning I woke him early enough to take a shower.  He said he would, then ducked in a corner in case I checked.  I did check, and I didn’t see him hidden there.  About 30 minutes later I noticed that his hair wasn’t wet and the shower tile was dry.  I didn’t bother to notice this to him.  School can take up where I left off.

As you might imagine, keeping quiet does not come naturally to me.  I tied my tongue in a knot, so I wouldn’t speak like a parent.  That parenting strategy obviously hasn’t worked for over a year.  Maybe tomorrow he will find power and control in deciding to shower.

Our children have their own trajectories.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Pseudo Adulthood

Dear Parents,

To all with attachment challenged and still traumatized adult children: I take off my hat. Okay, not wearing one, but you know…

I love my 20-year-old daughter so much that it can strain my marriage and even some friendships where the advice has been to distance and not enable her to use me–her mother–as a fallback plan.  To be honest my mother’s heart developed late in the adoption process.  It took me some time to accept the realities of the little traumatized beings that lived in my house.  Warm fuzzies did not engulf me when it came to mothering.

Now, seventeen years later, my mother’s heart is a warrior filled with fight for my precious girl who takes every thorny path she sees before her.  She hates asking for help from me, she says, because  I am so competent and never seem to need anything.  And yet, she often asks for so much help from me that she can hardly tolerate the shame.

Maybe one day I will not pick up the phone when she calls desperate for my advice that she will not take or my money that she will.  Until that day, I answer and I always give both. I am her mother and perhaps the only person in the world who loves her always.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

 

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Deep Fear and Insecurity

Dear Parents,

Regardless the age of our children from difficult beginnings, they often have at their cores the fears and insecurities of their early abandonment.  Even if the abandonment happened in the baby months, there is a deep primal wound that is not easily healed by the love of adoptive parents.

Sometimes refusal, immaturity, opposition, and failure to thrive in the teen years is really about deep fear of growing up, living alone, leaving, or being left.  The fear can be debilitating and disruptive to moving from grade to grade, graduating from high school, learning independent living skills, discovering interests outside video games, acquiring job skills, experiencing the excitement of going to college or getting the first real paycheck, and becoming capable of leaving home.

My son has been afraid of growing up since he was 10 years old–maybe longer but he didn’t talk about it earlier.  For the last year, I have been psychologically preparing him to leave home. Since he was about 5 years old, I have been preparing him to living independently. The kid knows how to take care of our entire house.  A few months ago he put together an Ikea desk with zero help, and I nearly fainted.  Those suckers can be tricky.

Ultimately, I believe my son needs to experience himself without me to grow his trust in himself.  Otherwise, all he has is my ever-present safety net and his overwhelming fear–not much of a recipe for success outside the home.  In a month I expect to send him off to Job Corps in Utah where they have a training program in something he loves–technology. While I am truly delighted to get a little empty nest, I feel sorry for the amount of anxiety he is feeling.  He knows he will adjust, he says.  I think he will, too.  We both are having growing pains as he feels the fear deep within.  There is a lot of hugging going on around here–a lot.

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for February 20th and 27th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
 
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 
picture of cover

Expected Release Date: Feb 27, 2016

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Glimpsing At Normal

I know sharing about “normal” is not a kind way of thinking of people who have children without special needs, but that is our culture.  I am just as acculturated as the the next person despite my depth of knowledge about the realities of children from difficult beginnings.  I must admit that I love it when there is a glimpse of normal unfolding around here.

Yesterday, we had a birthday party arranged entirely by one of the now twenty-year-olds still living at home.  She invited her friends, arranged the time, the “horse doovers,” pizza, soda, and entertainment (cartoons on the TV under music blasting on the iPod). I supplied the cake and the money to pay for it all. At the start I said my hellos, then retreated to my bedroom to allow the rumpus to begin.

Two hours later the noise stopped, so obviously I checked to see if they had all dropped dead from a pizza overdose or something.  No, the guests were gone and the house was completely cleaned up.  Shocking.

Now that I think of it, that was actually not normal for any kid.  I have warm fuzzies in my heart right now for all things good and loving and semi-normal.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for February 20th and 27th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
 
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 
picture of cover

Expected Release Date: Feb 27, 2016

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

The Crazy Years

When my children were in elementary school, I felt like I lived at the school.  It was always something: eating other kids’ lunches; telling the cafeteria staff that mommy is embarrassed to say so but she is too poor to send lunch (hot lunch would be so great); there was the constant screaming and crying under desks and running off campus. Once police were called because my 1st grader stabbed his teacher in the hand with a sharp pencil.  You would think my kids were born at the CDC because they were sick every day for months at a time, so they said. One time one of my children stole the before school care staff member’s cell phone.  The staff found the phone by calling it.  My daughter answered from her 2nd grade classroom. If I hadn’t been self-employed, I thought I never would have kept a job.

I know many of you are facing this insanity right now.  I remember the fear I experienced when the phone rang during the day (What now?) and the terror I felt in general for the years ahead.  Honestly, it did tip me over.  I had to get therapeutic help for my own dysregulation, when deep despair crept in around the edges.  It was overwhelming.  I had to accept that I needed antidepressants to keep my head above water.  That helped.  Later, neurofeedback further resolved my persistent dysregulation, which came out in the form of zero-to-sixty anger.  Slowly the mess calmed down into my beautiful, crazy life.

When one is in the mess, it is hard to see the beautiful.  Trust me it is there.  Our children from difficult beginnings are who they are.  We cannot control them.  We can only therapeutically parent them and learn to love the child within.  It is a process.

I gave myself so much respite during the elementary years.  I had to or I would have cracked (clinical term for prolonged adult tantrum).  If you feel on the verge of cracking, get therapeutic help.  Get respite.  Get love from the people in your life who can understand what you have gotten yourself into, as not everyone gets how adopting children from difficult beginnings can shake you to the core. I understand.  I needed help. I am telling you this so you can see that help will get you through in one piece and your children through with love in their hearts.

Sanity and love matter.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for February 20th and 27th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 
Drowning With My Hair On Fire
Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Expected Release Date: February 27, 2016
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

I Didn’t Cry

Yesterday my son was all grief stricken and in tears over the end of a favorite show on TV that triggered his own personal grief and loss about his difficult beginnings. Today he watched the recorded ending again and shared, “I didn’t cry this time.”  Shocker, kid.

This lack of theory of mind is one of the things I often see in children from difficult beginnings.  Children with theory of mind can access the part of their brains that extrapolates one situation to another and makes sense of things.  Children with complex trauma often cannot access their executive functions in the pre-frontal cortex until much later in life. They are not dull; they are traumatized.

Be careful of your judgments about your traumatized children.  They can surprise you if you keep your heart and your mind open to what is possible.  If you thought your child would be fully thriving at 28, though not so functional at 18, would you engage her differently?  I suspect you would.

Be gracious, patient, loving, and a tiny bit long suffering.  There may be a payoff down the road.  Wait for it.

The Attach Place

Love matters, Ce The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Babies Can Be Traumatized Too

Image
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents
Dear Parent,
We have all been asked by the author of this article to pass this information along about trauma that occurs in the psyche of newborn children who get adopted straight away after they are born or just a few days or months later.  I am pleased to share this with you.  Please read it and distribute it at will.

The Trauma Tree – Understanding The Impact Of Childhood Trauma

By 

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Childhood trauma is often overlooked, greatly misunderstood and one of the most damaging things that can happen to a child. The effects can last a lifetime and my hope is to never hear the words, At least he was too young to remember, again.

My son has PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.Except he can’t have PTSD because the medical definition of PTSD requires that the cause be a remembered event. So although he suffered complex and prolonged trauma from before he was even born and through his first year of life, traumas that still affect his every moment and every breath, he can’t be diagnosed with PTSD.

There is a movement to get a new diagnosis recognized, Developmental Trauma Disorder since in reality the issue is that PTSD or trauma experienced later in life, is different from trauma experienced while the brain is still forming. It needs its own definition, but as a parent trying to get help for my son, it is incredibly frustrating that so little is known about the effect of trauma on children.

Over the years, since our adoption was completed and we experienced our son’s struggles first hand, I have returned to school and my studies of the brain trying to help my son heal and grow into the amazing adult I know he is meant to be. And there is one issue that I want to bring up and that needs to change in society.

One of the most maddening things I hear is that my son was too young to remember the traumas he experienced as an infant and toddler, therefore he will be fine. This is completely and utterly wrong, in fact, it is the complete opposite. Through my studies, I came across a great image to explain the truth of childhood trauma and brain resiliency.

Picture a tree with roots.

The Trauma Tree

The roots represent the prenatal stage of growth, where the tree touches the ground is birth, the trunk is infancy and early childhood, lower branches are childhood, and up to adulthood at the top branches. If trauma occurs at any stage, the rest of the tree’s growth (aka, the brain’s growth) beyond that point is negatively affected. The older you are, the more life experiences and knowledge you have to cope and the less actively the brain is developing (ie. the more branches you have to compensate).

Childhood trauma is often complex and can be catastrophic, leaving a lifetime of struggles in almost all facets of life. This is significantly true of trauma exposure during the prenatal and infancy stages (roots and trunk) when the brain is at its most critical and active phases of development. The younger a person is when exposed to trauma, the higher their risk of developing trauma-related disorders including learning disorders, developmental disorders, cognitive deficits, attention issues, attachment disorders, and so much more.

A young brain needs a healthy chemistry to develop properly. A brain that is developing while flooded with trauma induced chemicals (such as cortisol and adrenaline) fails to form healthy, strong connections.

Children are never too young to remember. Please don’t belittle childhood trauma as being a lesser form of trauma. The parents who are raising these children face enough struggles. It is my hope to create greater understanding in the world about the effects of trauma on a child’s brain.
Please share this wide and far so we can all work together to help these children. And please, never again say: At least they were too young to remember.

Love Matters,

Ce

The Attach Place Center
The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled forFebruary 20th and 27th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up emailJen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every secondWednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and Childcare are Free.
Look for Ce Eshelman’s Upcoming Book
Drowning With My Hair On Fire
Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
Expected Release Date: February 28, 2016
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.