Tag Archives: adoptive children

Parents Talk Too Much

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Ever notice that your child tunes you out?  YOU talk too much.  Most parents do.  We over process, over think, over talk, over lecture, over teach, over kill with words.

 

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When we hold a Love Matters Bootcamp with a family here at The Attach Place, we start the week with a list of simple guidelines and we use those same words every day in one way or another to teach a whole bunch of things. 
 
There are about 10 words in all.  When the family goes home, we send the wall size guidelines home with them to use EVERY DAY. Every family is different, but the guidelines are usually the same.
 
Here they are:
 
Be Gentle and Kind
Stick Together
Use Your Words
Ask Permission
No Hurts
Have Fun!
 
These are not original; they are condensed from Trust-based Parenting Intervention by Karen Purvis and David Cross. Turns out we use 15 words in all.  Compare that number to the number of words in one single lecture about hitting, or disrespecting, or sneaking, or tantruming, or sulking, or whining.  
 

twister

Kids don’t have time to tune out three or four words. Consider that when you next start in on correcting your child. Too many words may really be about punishing, shaming, scolding, fear, anger, frustration.  
 
Be a parent who is all about fewer words and No Hurts.
 
Being a kid shouldn’t hurt, right?  Being a parent should be fun, right?  
 
We are all works in progress.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

What About Dad?

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vacuum dadHello Daddy-Os (and mother’s wearing their #1 Dad ball caps).  This weekend includes your day. Finally, a day for YOU to get up early, round up the kids, clean up breakfast fiascoes, open a box of well intended kid coupons or golf accessories rarely to be used, and survive parenting another day.  Oh dear, too cynical?  …and enjoy the delight of parenting another day. That’s what I meant to say.

 
Father’s Day was initiated in 1910 by a daughter of a single father of six living at the YMCA.  Kinda glad that isn’t YOU, right?  Single parents of any number get my hat tip for your tenacity and grit.  
 
Mother’s of attachment challenged children usually get the spotlight because they are often the target of attachment grief and reactivity in their children.  Father’s often find they have a different experience altogether.  
 
fun dad
It may be that your life partner is stressed a lot these days. Your children seem mostly fine to you, but she doesn’t think so. You can kind of see what she means, but not entirely and they are kids after all.  You don’t want to read books and go to parenting classes, but you support the household as much as you can.  You want to enjoy life more and stress less. Carve out some fun time this weekend, YOU deserve it.
 
On the other hand, YOU might be the target of your children’s emotional duress.  If so, then YOU need a day of love and peace. Make sure YOU get it.  YOU deserve it.
hammock dad
Big thank you to Dads.  YOU are so important in the lives of your kids.  
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Frog in a Pot

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You have all probably heard the analogy of the Frog in the Kettle, right?  Okay, I’m forced to repeat it.  If you put a frog in a hot kettle of water, it will jump right out–smart froggie style. If you put a frog in a cold kettle of water on a slow to boil stove, the froggie, well, will not have the good sense to stretch a leg.  That same smart froggie will simply adjust, adjust, adjust to death, as the water boils right over.
If you are in a hot pot with your attachment challenged children, you may not realize that you need help, Help, HELP to turn the temperature down.
 
In order to engage and thrive with attachment challenged children in your life, you have to be able to:
  • Open yourself to the realities of their lives before YOU
  • Tolerate their wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Handle your own wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Become hyper-flexible like a parenting ninja
  • Get support from everywhere and everyone to keep the water cool
pot
If you don’t…Hello froggie, this is not the pond you were hoping for.  Jump!
 
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

Odd Suggestion

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This may seem like an odd suggestion, so bear with me. Teen daughters fare better when they are given structure, guidance, and daily expectations from fathers. 
 
mother teen daughter
 
Adoptive mothers (or any parent who is seen as the primary nurturer by the child) often, though not always, are the targets of projective anger from past abuses by birth mothers. During the teen years, when identity development, separation, and individuation are the developmental goals, teen girls often up the ante on rejection of their mothers and intensify their reactivity when being corrected.  
 

father daughter

Since reactivity is intensified in the teens years, it makes sense to enlist fathers to do most of the corrective parenting, structuring, and guiding. Teen girls can often take in information from their fathers in a way that they cannot from their mothers.
 
While this is painful for adoptive mothers, having fathers step in more can keep girls from running away, reacting aggressively, sexually rebelling, and refusing to do anything suggested by a reasoned mother.
 

mother daughters

 
The good news is that this phase doesn’t last forever. Young adult daughters usually come back to their mothers for guidance as they age into their childbearing years.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 
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Quick Learner

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Mommy Dearest

I broke my Golden-Self-Care-Vacuuming-Rule this morning–in case YOU don’t know, it is: Vacuum Only Twice A Month no matter the shape of things–and I vacuumed a third time.  I have hardwood floors in my new house, so I am teetering on changing the Golden-Self-Care-Vacuuming-Rule in order to avoid the Retrospective-Self-Disgust-Bad Mother-Rule. I am weighing which one gives me the most grief–exhaustion from compulsive house cleaning or shame from being a bad mother with a filthy house. There it is. That is the dilemma.  What would Mother Teresa do?  
 
Never mind, that was a digression.  While I was vacuuming at 6:30 am, my son interrupted the process by urgently proclaiming, as if the house were on fire,  “Mom! Mom!! I’m a quick learner.”  
 
“Yaaa-yaaa right you are,” I say in my best dismissive Fargo accent. I’m sure my eyes rolled. His face looked slightly crestfallen and he retreated back to readying for school. Honest to goodness, I was just dumbfounded in the moment. QUICK LEARNER could only be printed on a little last place trophy.  You know. the kind of trophy he got from the Participant Trophybasketball team fiasco when he was 7 where he stood center court with both arms raised yelling, “Pick me, Pick me” for 15 games straight. Boy got a trophy. Boy is a tedious learner of the 10,000 drops of water on the forehead kind. Bless his little heart, because he tries really hard, but he is out-of-sync and that doesn’t lend to Quick Learning awards.
 
Still, after a few seconds, I knew what he was talking about. Yesterday, he learned three chords on his new electric guitar all in one day.  Feeling so much pride in himself, he wanted me to be proud, too. Darn it. If only at 6:30 am, before my second cappuccino, in the soothing roar of breaking the Golden-Self-Care-Vacuuming-Rule, I could have realized that.
 
Do over for Mommy Dearest.  “Hey Babe, I’m sorry. I just realized you are really proud of learning those chords and you caught on SO quickly.  I am glad you are proud of yourself and I am proud of you for sure.  You are a quick guitar learner (reframe).” He beamed ear to ear. Being loving is so easy when regulated (after savoring my second non-fat, half-packet-of-sugar, extra-frothy cappuccino with chocolate sprinkled on top.)
 
Ten minutes later, he was leaving for school, guitar and binder in hand. “Have a great day today honey. I love you. “And”…wait for it…”you might want to zip your pants.”  Yaaa-yaaa, right, a quick learner you are. I only thought that last part. I have some self-restraint. Teeny bit.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
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Spitting Mad

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Spitting Mad

Spitting Mad

You’ve heard the terms spitting mad, fighting mad, biting mad, right?  How often do you feel this way in the face of your attachment challenged (or not) child’s persistent behavior that causes you to repeat yourself? If it is often, then you have to do something different!  It won’t just go away. 

 
Up the empathy for the hard places from which your child comes by mantras and affirmations:
  • Even though I feel this rage, I love and accept my child.
  • Even though I have to repeat myself until I explode, I love and accept my child.
  • Even though I feel this rage and shame about it, I love and accept MYSELF.
What are you waiting for?  Do something different.  If you take the time to say any one or all of those mantras before you speak to your child, you will be making the change you want to see in yourself.  That’s the only person YOU can change.
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Painful Realities

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Some of our children won’t make it to college, find jobs with reasonable living wages, or make life long soul mate commitments.  Some will do it all. Along their paths, they may struggle.  This is the reality for all parents and children.  Life can be very difficult.  Life can be very joyful. Attachment challenged children with special needs make these unknown futures especially scary for parents.

The antidote to fear is love. I believe this in my bones.  My own fear-filled journey with my daughter recently was instantly transformed by realizing I had lost connection with my heart, my love, in favor of listening to too many critics about how I was supporting her.  Once I listened to my own heart, the fear disappeared and I could actually be the mother my daughter needed–a present and loving one.  She didn’t need my fear-informed reactions and fierce boundaries.  She needed her Mom.

YOU cannot save anyone from their own trajectory.  YOU can only hold them in your loving gaze and influence by example.  You CAN surrender your fear and transform yourself into an attachment parent, who can hold the reality of your child’s life with empathy, kindness and love.  That is attachment.  Attachment is love.  Love trumps fear.


Love Matters,
Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • The Trust-based Parenting Course  ended last weekend and a good time was had by all, though our back sides are a little sore from all that sitting. Thanks to all of you great parents for your commitment to therapeutic parenting with heart.
  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families.  YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
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Sharing Info From Kate Oliver, LCSW on Delight

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A parent who is also a therapist sent me this link explaining an issue that had been perplexing her about her daughter.  She found the discussion very helpful, so I am passing it along to YOU.


Find some YOU time this weekend people.  YOU need it, right?

Love Matters,

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Day one of Trust-based Relational Parent Training.   Super great group of parents.  Wish YOU were here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Big HUG and APPRECIATION for the generous scholarship contributions–YOU know who YOU are.  The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.

One Day Later

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breakfast in bedMoms, I am sure you are still reeling from all those pancakes in bed, bouquets of flowers, handmade gifts, and gobs of gratitude and love showered upon YOU yesterday for Mother’s Day.  YOU are probably still lounging in bed with a cappuccino dreaming about it all–right?  Dads, YOU will get your turn next month.
During the Trust-based Parenting course over the  weekend I spent a good bit of time helping parents see that their interpretation of their child’s motives for behavior are often misunderstandings.Here are a couple comments (paraphrased) I heard that you may think, too:
My child doesn’t value anything she has because she doesn’t care when I take her stuff away.
My child isn’t scared of anything so I have to be a drill sergeant.
My child doesn’t love me because she doesn’t even refer to me as her mother.It is an innate human drive to attach, love, and be loved.  Similarly, an innate human response to the fear following a loss of attachment (compounded when there is maltreatment) is elevated survival instincts–fight, flight or freeze.

If your child comes from difficult beginnings, most of the negative things YOU think about why your child is tantruming, not caring, not responding, or rejecting is a misinterpretation of a fight, flight or freeze survival/trauma reaction.

So here is the most accurate interpretation of nearly all persistent, negative, confusing behavior:  Our kids are stuck on surviving, which makes them seem uncaring about anything beyond themselves.  They care about everything, just not more than their own survival.


Love Matters,

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Day one of Trust-based Relational Parent Training.   Super great group of parents.  Wish YOU were here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Big HUG and APPRECIATION for the generous scholarship contributions–YOU know who YOU are.  The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.

Work It Out–Lean Toward Love

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Having spent the afternoon with my 18-year-old daughter and her 6-month-old baby, I am left pondering many divergent things and am filled with so many emotions–the greatest of which is LOVE.  I love that girl, my daughter, and feel a growing attachment with my grand baby. Along with that love and attachment is a deep concern for their obvious challenges ahead.  Another child has been born with generational attachment wounds, in spite of my efforts to change the trajectory–more proof I am not in charge of the Universe (as if I needed more). Darn it.
 
I know this has happened in many of your lives and it is perhaps what many of YOU fear if it hasn’t happened.  First of all, it doesn’t happen in all attachment challenged children’s lives.  Many grow, and heal, and thrive thanks to your ever present attention to their needs and their own tenacity, resilience, and drive to live. I have had plenty of contact over the years with adults who have worked through their childhood challenges and changed their trajectories.  I consider myself in that company.
 
All in all, both of my children express gratitude and love for the family we have together.  They feel loved, and sometimes profoundly wounded by perceived slights.  That is part of their journey.  One day, some day, down the road a little further, as they continue to heal their hearts, I trust that they will work it all out. That is part of the innate human drive to lean toward love.
 
Lean toward love.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Count down to the next Trust-based Relational Parent Training—May 10th and 17th.  Very excited. Really enjoy being with parents for these extended time periods.  Love it.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partnerspresented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.