Tag Archives: Adoptive Parents

Too Conservative For My Own Good

Leave a reply
Back in the saddle.  I am on East Coast time, so came into the office this morning at 3am.  That is crazy, right?  I just woke up.
I don’t think I mentioned to YOU that my son asked me to bleach his hair a few weeks ago and heretofore I had always said no.  Afterall, I thought, Doesn’t he have enough things to overcome in relationships?  Does he have to have bleached hair on top of it–LITERALLY!
This time I said okay, and the next weekend I bleached him yellow.  I meant to get him to white, which is what I thought he wanted, but having never bleached anyone’s hair before I might have left it on too long or not long enough.  All I know is that he was screaming that his head was burning off, so I decided “right now” was the perfect time.  Anyway, yellow it was.  I saw it first and had a horrible panic feeling.  Then he looked in the mirror, “Mom! It looks so great!”  It’s kind of yellow, isn’t it? “That’s just how I wanted it.”  Snap. I knew that.
I say all of this by way of underlining that I wish I had been less conservative with my daughter when she was in her early teen years.  I really do. She always wanted to look cool, and be different, and do things to her appearance her way.  I thought similarly, Don’t you have enough things to overcome in relationships?  Do you have to dye your hair, pierce your nose (lips, cheeks, chest, etc.), wear those clothes, too?   So, I said no a lot.
 
If I could do it again, I would say YES more, so that the lines I drew could have more meaning. I would be less conservative about how the kids looked and more conservative about their feelings and our relationship, so the little meaningless things didn’t become barriers to connection and love.
My son looks pretty good in yellow hair. Who would have imagined that?
He did.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Lessons learned too late.
 

 

They Do Grow Up

Leave a reply
Yes, they do grow up–eventually.  While I have been gone, my daughter sent me a bittersweet text. It was 12 messages long and arrived in the middle of the night.  Just like her.
She was lamenting how hard it is to be a mother with a child from difficult beginnings.  Her little 11 month old daughter has been very ill since birth; the magnitude of which is only just now sinking in for her.  Sadly, my daughter’s poor decision making led to my granddaughter’s permanent brain damage. This is a hard reality to swallow.
The bittersweet part was her profound epiphany that raising children (like her and her brother) was probably hard for me.  Her conclusion:  I don’t know how you ever did it with me.  I honestly don’t know how you did it.  You are the strongest Mom I know…and I love you with all my heart no matter how many fights we get in or how many times I say I don’t.  I always will and will never ever be able to repay you for everything you have done for me.
 
You just did, sweetheart. You just did.
And I love you, too.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Just when you think nothing matters, love does.  
Love matters.

Back Off And Balance

Leave a reply
If YOU have been helicopter parenting to the point where even just the sound of your voice is creating reactivity from your attachment challenged teen, back off and get some balance.  Back way off.  Let them come to you for what they need.  I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it works. When YOU give them space, and space, and space, your children come seeking contact with YOU.  Be very low key about your response.
 
Without irony, accept the overture, and be the hero:  “Sure, I will drive you to your volleyball game.”
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Let your children seek YOU. That can turn the tables.

Grieving Is A Process

Leave a reply
Our children grieve things they do not understand or know about.  They grieve the loss they feel in their cells for their birth mother and they grieve the loss of the imaginary perfect mother who gave them away.  They grieve getting YOU, because YOU are real and flawed and here every day. YOU don’t measure up to the fantasy, so there is the overwhelming grief that causes their rejection.
 
Your adopted child may tantrum in grief, rage in grief, cry in grief, reject in grief, defy in grief, withdraw in grief, or cling to strangers in grief.  They may do this for years.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t attaching to YOU.  It does mean they are fundamentally changed because they have this pain like dying in their guts now because they were abandoned (and some were both abandoned and abused.)  There is no worse pain on Earth for a human being than to lose connection with one’s mother forever.
 
In order to act as an attuned container of empathy for your child’s many permutations of grief, YOU will need to grieve your own idea of the perfectly loving child YOU thought you were adopting.  When that is done, YOU will be better able to “hold” the emotional depth and upheaval of your child’s grief and loss.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

When your child wants the birth mother say, “Oh my precious sweetheart, I know your heart hurts so, so much.  I will help you hold the pain. Come into my arms, my circle of love.  I am here for you, when you feel that terrible pain in your heart, in your whole being.” 

Oh Dear Parent

Leave a reply
It’s the middle of the week.  What are YOU doing for yourself today?
 
Some of YOU have this down pat.  Raise your hand if this is YOU.  To YOU, I give maximum applause.  YOU have figured out that the best way to care for your special needs child(ren) is to start with yourself. Bravissimo!
 
If your hand lifted a little, but not all the way:  Good for YOU! YOU are on your way to better parenting through self-care.
 
The rest of YOU, hands still on the keyboard: YOU are not alone.  Many of us have trouble making this paradigm shift. What can I do to encourage YOU?  
 
Okay, here goes.  One question:  Have you lost your patience, temper, sanity with your child in the past week?
 
Yes?
 
Then take a break and do something you haven’t done in a long time that would feel good.  
 
Need ideas?
 
Eat a slice of cake from that bakery you love (Ignore calories today.)
Go to the gym and work out; or don’t work out and soak in the hot tub or steam yourself in the sauna.
Mani/pedi?
New shoes?
Take a scented bath.
Chat with a friend over tea and biscuits.
Take a slow walk in a place without playgrounds.
Eat a PB&J sandwich on a park bench with good people watching opportunities.
Check out a new art or museum installation.
Make your bed, open the windows, and lay naked in the breeze (Am I the only person who loves doing that?)
Read a mindless romance novel or People Magazine will do.
Watch a R-rated movie in the middle of the day.
Make a beautiful, tasty salad for yourself, just the way YOU like it–add lots of kid-hated veggies with grown up dressing.
Clear off your messiest counter top.
Listen to music from the years you most loved music. Turn it up loud. Dance.
Make something, paint something, break something.
Nap.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU Matter,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 

The best parent is the one with the most rest.  Rest can look a bunch of different ways.  Pick one.

 

 

If Only You Were Different, I Would Love You

Leave a reply
 
Have you ever been in a relationship where you spent a lot of time trying to get the other person to change?  
 
If you would learn to share your feelings…
If you would try to think about me once in a while…
If you were more motivated to grow…
If you were more considerate…
If you liked my family…
If you would go out more…
If you were more adventurous…
If you were more spontaneous…
If you were more reliable…
If you were more positive…
If you weren’t so negative…
If you weren’t so judgemental…
If you would care more about how you look…
If you liked to hang out with my friends…
If you had friends…
If you helped around the house more…
If you didn’t have feelings all the time…
If you would just be happy…
If you weren’t so miserable…
If you worked less…
If you worked more…
 
Then…what?  I would feel better. I would accept you.  I would love you. 
 
That relationship didn’t work out very well, did it?  Or, that relationship isn’t going very well now, is it?
 
For a moment, think about your relationship with your attachment challenged, traumatized child.  Do you have an “IF…Then” list?
 
If you would just be normal…
If you would act your age…
If you could stop bouncing off the walls…
If you could stop talking all the time…
If you would just tell me what you feel…
If you would clean your room…
If you would tell the truth…
If you were trustworthy…
If you were honest…
If you were less self centered…
If you would think about the rest of the family…
If you would take less and give more…
If you would do your homework…
If you would try harder…
If you were pleasant to be around…
If you brushed your teeth, showered, zipped…
If you would stop badgering me…
If you would act right…
If you would do the right thing…
If you weren’t always looking for ways to make me crazy…
If you would stop scaring me…
If you didn’t need so much supervision…
If you weren’t so needy…
If you weren’t so helpless…
If you would just grow up…
If you would stop controlling…
If you would accept love…
If you would trust me…
If you would get better…
 
Then…what?  I would feel better. I would accept you. I would love you.
Enough said, right?
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love and Acceptance Matter,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Acceptance is Loving.
 
sunflowers-bottom.gif

 

Swimming In Shame

Leave a reply
If you are swimming in shame, YOU need some help finding your vulnerability and compassion for yourself.  Reclaim your childhood. Shame has a tendency to well up around parenting attachment challenged children. They have difficulty accepting parenting and we have difficulty accepting that it isn’t our fault. The shame doesn’t come directly from parenting. Likely it has been there all along, from childhood.  It just gets big and overwhelming when children are added to the mix.
 
If this sounds like YOU, check out a little reading.  Brene Brown is my favorite. She has a blog (doesn’t everyone have a blog?) YOU can watch her on TED (not everyone has a TED Talk.)  Read her book.  Go to a local workshop based on her work. Join a support group based on Daring Greatly (her book.)  She is all the rage.  YOU could be part of a movement.
 
Get a little inspiration here:
 
Brene Brown on empanty
 
YOU can go to therapy, buy a workbook, find a 12-step.  What YOU probably ought to avoid?  Avoidance.
 
Because Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

YOU Still Matter.

Attachment and Trauma Series

Leave a reply
I am pretty excited about this upcoming free series on Attachment and Trauma in the Classroom.  I can’t listen to the the whole series myself, but you might be able to or you might be able to convince your child’s school to purchase the recorded series for teachers, classroom aides, counselors, school psychologists and school staff.  I am not attesting to how great the material will be because I haven’t heard it yet; however, I know the point of view of this organization and it is right on the dime about how to heal attachment and traumatized children.
 
Very often parents invite me to Student Study Team meetings, IEPs, and school brainstorming sessions to help inform well-meaning school personnel about ways of educating our children.  I have written more letters to help support my child clients in the classroom than I care to count.  I hate to admit it. This material may be even better than a school visit from moi.
 
Here you go.  If YOU have school aged children from difficult beginnings, I hope you can make it.  It’s FREEEEEEE.  How great is that?

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

Our children are learning challenged.  
Let’s help teachers give them a chance.

Veracity Test

Leave a reply
I have the cure for lying.  Yep, I have it.  You are probably wondering why I am not seriously rich then, because all parents want the cure for lying. 
 
Here it is:  Discipline Yourself.  Wha?
 
99% of all child lies are caused by parenting strategies.  I know you don’t want to believe that.  It actually might even take a paradigm shift for you to see it.
 
Through my son’s door at 6:15am I ask, “Are you up?”  
Rustling himself to his feet, he lies, “Yes.”
 
“What happened to the ten dollar bill that was on my dresser?”
My son lies, “I was getting my phone and it accidentally flew off over the back.”
 
“Have you been smoking?”
My son lies, “No.”
 
“Where have you been?”
My daughter lies, “I was just taking a walk around the block.”
 
“Did you do your chores?”
My children both lie, “Yes.”
 
There is a pattern to my parenting strategy above–the veracity test.  I almost always ask questions I know the answer to.  It is an habituated veracity test that my children fail every time.  I am like a moth to the flame. Will I be burned this time? This time? This time.  Eventually, the moth is consumed by the flame and the fire burns on.  Time after time, I am burned. “See I cannot trust you.”  I set the whole thing up.
 
Want to know something?  No child can be trusted 100%.  The part of the brain that governs truthful behavior doesn’t finish developing until the late 20’s.  Our parenting job is to shape the learning of that part of the brain. Unfortunately most parenting strategies inadvertently activate the survival part of the brain that ultimately creates a delay in the maturity of the reason part of the brain.
 
My kids come from difficult beginnings.  Underneath all their bravado, entitlement, and insatiable demands is deprivation, fear, and a felt sense that no one anywhere is safe.  They don’t consciously know this about themselves, but I do.  
 
That’s why the cure for lying is mine to take, not theirs.  I need to discipline myself to skip the veracity tests.  Why ask a fear-based, habitual liar whether they are lying or not?  Why?  The answer will always be a lie.  It has to be. They fear being rejected, in-trouble, unlovable, wrong, deprived, or caught. 
 
Tip:  Start your investigation into problem behavior with adjusted expectations. Expect fear-based lying. Give assurance. 
 
It would sound something like this: “I don’t want to scare you. You are deeply loved and special no matter what.” Give a hug. “You must really have wanted something badly to use money from my purse.  After you think about it for awhile, I would like to brainstorm with you ways to get what you want in a more honest way.”
Do we want to punish or do we want to facilitate learning?  That is the question.

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 

Brains Are Impacted By Adoption

Leave a reply
Daily YOU Time
 easter8-top1a.jpg
Love Matters
 easter8-top2a.jpg
Hello Fellow Parent,

If your child is adopted, his/her brain is NOT the same as a healthy, attached, birth child.  When we ascribe negative intention to our children’s behavior, we are sadly mistaken. Our children have special needs.  They need special dispensation regarding every day activities.  

For example:

When they take forever to get dressed…

When they will not accept your clothing choices…

When screaming is their response to “no…”

When they are charming when other’s say “no…”

When they are withdrawn and negative…

When they are outspoken and attention seeking…

When they are good at getting their way…

When they seem helpless and inadequate at every turn…

When they are controlling…

When they don’t take responsibility…

When they are irrational…

When they are black and white…

When they are clumsy…

When they insist on doing things their own way…

When they are clueless about the needs of others…

When they are self-centered…

When they hoard…

When they break everything they touch…

When they do not share…

When they share everything…

When they would go home with anyone…

When they will not let go of your hand, ever…

When they seem perpetually 2 years old…

When they act 27 years old…

…they need our understanding, compassion, and patience for their brain related specialness.

Love Matters, Ce

8/28/14 Our website is under construction right now, so you cannot get there from anywhere.  In a couple days, you can do the following if you like:
If you would like to receive daily “YOU Time” parent support emails and you have not yet signed up,  click here.
easter8-bottom1.gif
easter8-bottom2.jpg
Give your child compassion in the form of patience and understanding.  You will need to have YOU time to be able to do that.  Get it! You deserve it!  If your child has special needs, so do you.