Tag Archives: Adoptive Parents

Comparing Is Mental Kickball

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Last week I was getting all emotionally preeny about my life being kinda normal. Yep, I was comparing my homelife to the fantasy “Normal Family” that has lived in my head for circa 55 years now.  First of all, on the face of it, that is hysterical.  If anyone saw inside my family life last week there is no way, no how, they walk away thinking “Hey, Normal Family.” 
 
So, there you have it–my dirty little secret.  Despite my zany life mission to live “outside of the box,” I secretly wanted a little box all my own.  I thought mine might have a fabulous neon orange door, but still I was hoping for normal inside.
 
My 17.5-year-old son’s stimulant meds got held up at the doc for 8 days.  Yep, count em–8!  He is scary off meds. Darts into the street like a two-year-old.  Leaves the front door wide open while chasing a stray dog for two hours. Gets lost going to a friend’s house on Light Rail and nearly perishes walking miles in the noon heat–he had a cell phone and could have called me, but didn’t think of that. Falls asleep on a pinhead or stays awake all night every night–no rhyme nor reason to his patterns. Talks at me like I am actually standing in Alaska. Only sees one tile of kitchen counter that needs to be Ketchup free. Spends lunch money on, uh, no idea.  Thinks showering takes too long. Lives in questionable jammie-bottoms. Interrupts all conversations with nonsensical stories about cartoons and video game monsters or dreams he cannot actually remember at all. He cannot find his head anywhere, though he forgot he was looking for it.
 
Oh, there, I just heard a collective sigh.  You just now feel normal, don’t YOU.  Your life sounds like mine, sorta, right?
 
Well, that is because I am telling you about the inside of my normal life.  When you compare your “inside family life” with the “outside of someone else’s family life,” you are playing mental kickball–and YOU are the ball.
 
Let me say that again:  Comparing inside normals to outside normals is mental kickball, and YOU are the ball. 
 
Embrace your “normal life.”  You will feel so much better about it once you do.  
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!

Cell Deep

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I was fumbling for words the other day to explain to a parent why a child who is adopted right at birth can still have attachment challenges.  The words “cell deep” kept coming into my explanation.  Memory is cell deep.  Birth children whose mothers had extreme ambivalence during pregnancy or some other condition that caused them to be emotionally unavailable for some of the nine months can end up with attachment challenges later in life.  This is because, even in utero, there is cell deep memory.
Okay, there are two types of memory:  explicit and implicit.
Explicit memory is what we are usually thinking of when we think of memory.  I remember my trip to Brazil.That is in my conscious memory. (Lying, I have never been to Brazil, but…YOU know…I am entertaining YOU.)
Implicit memory is stored outside our conscious awareness.  While it constantly influences our daily function, we do not recognize it as a memory. I experience this kind of memory more like “who I am.” Implicit memory holds things like recognition of shapes and forms; bodily memory of movement, habits, routines; emotional and relational connections.
Attachment challenges are rooted in the failure of the original infant/caregiver attachment attunement experience which gets stored in implicit memory, outside awareness, but profoundly influencing daily life. Our kids are driven by various ghosts of a mis-attuned, maltreating, abusing, or absent original parent or multiple care-givers.
One of the fundamental reasons “talk therapies” are not helpful for healing attachment trauma is the simple fact that implicit memory is unconscious and nonverbal.  Therapies that help a child/adult find their “felt sense” of fear and safety are more helpful in bringing the unconscious material into the present so it can be understood, soothed, and integrated.
Alrighty then, I’m headed back to my Brazilian vacation memory–completely made up, but richly embedded in my imagination.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 

 

The Gift of Smiling Eyes

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angry womanSometimes the daily shenanigans of raising traumatized, attachment challenged children shows on our faces.  I know it has and still does at times show on mine.  There were periods over the course of raising my children that I actually had to tell myself, inside my head, to smile.

I used to be extroverted and effusive, but I became weary and depressed when the magnitude of adopting traumatized children set in.  Frankly, it hit me like a boulder from the Roadrunner cartoon. When a co-worker was walking toward me down a hall, I had to prompt myself, “Smile, Ce. Look Alive!”  Then I would flash a smile and, as they passed by, my face would reflexively return to its flat, lifeless state.  It took all of my energy every day to smile at people.  At home it was different.  My inside voice was dead silent.  Since I had no internal voice prompting me to be engaging, be alive, I wasn’t and my face showed it.

Swearing boyMy children must have felt as despairing as I did during those times.  In retrospect a lot of their behavior was directly proportionate to my disengagement.  Back then, I just didn’t know what to do to turn things around.  That is why I write this email and send it to YOU every day.  I want YOU to have hope and a few ideas of how to turn things around.

brilliant heart 2


Eventually, I read enough books on attachment trauma, took anti-depressants, sought therapy, and finally got neurofeedback to find my natural ability to engage, be alive and, yes, smile.  I had to get help, grieve, and recommit to living fully before I could smile again and enjoy my life.

If YOU are under the Roadrunner boulder, take heart.  Things can change, but YOU have to start by getting help for yourself.  Your children will heal, as YOU do.

Kids Fly
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Slow Down YOU Move Too Fast

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There is an old Simon and Garfunkel song from the 60’s:
 
skippingSlow Down 
YOU Move Too Fast
You’ve Got To Make The Morning Last
Just Skipping Down The Cobblestones
Looking For Fun and Feeling Groovy
 
If YOU know this song, I am sure I just clicked it on “repeat” in your head for the rest of the day.  
 
Now do it. 
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Developmental Trauma

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I want to straighten a little something out (from my point of view anyway.)  

trauma face

There has been an evolution for me over the last 10 years about what it is I am seeing in traumatized children and what usual diagnoses children from difficult beginnings are given by mental health professionals.
 
There are really only a few diagnoses that routinely get applied to our children: 
Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy and Early Childhood (RAD), 
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), 
Bipolar Disorder 
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
 

Trauma Boy 2

The fact of the matter is that most of our children are traumatized by attachment breaks, toxins in utero, pervasive maltreatment, neglect, and other abuses in the first 10 years of life.  The abuse that takes place during the first 33 months of life, of course, globally rewires the child’s brain for high alert that becomes cellular and can last a lifetime.
 
I used to stomp my feet and insist that mental health practitioners stop misdiagnosing attachment trauma  as ADHD and PTSD because those labels were inadequate (and they still are.)  I encouraged instead using Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy and Early Childhood because it was the only diagnosis that pointed in the developmental direction and I thought early correct labeling would get better, more focused attachment treatment for our kids.  Well, I have moved on from that, too.  Calling all traumatized children RAD is not correct and again points to too narrow of a viewpoint on treatment. And, frankly, some mental health practitioners misinterpret the RAD diagnosis as a “hopeless,” untreatable condition.
 
There is a new diagnosis Developmental Trauma being bandied about, but it has not made it into the Big Book of mental health disorders, the DSM-V.  There was a whole political push for and against this diagnosis just prior to the publication of the latest DSM-V, so it was left out.  Boohoo.
 
Once again, I find myself on the side of advocating mental health labeling that is more effective for treatment.  Labels are intended to support correct treatment, nothing more. Developmental Trauma is usually what we are dealing with when we are parenting children from difficult beginnings.  If we called it by a more attuned name, perhaps we would be more attuned to the various ways their history has impacted their development.  We would also be less scared our children will grow up to be criminals, right? Developmental Trauma can be treated.
 

trauma boy

Developmental Trauma, in my opinion, is a huge public health issue across the world. I saw a statistic that nearly three million children in the U.S. alone are diagnosable with this every year.  EVERY YEAR! My heart aches about this.
 
Developmental Trauma is all about developmental deficits, relational misattunement, and chronic patterns of dysregulation that lead to life-long issues negatively impacting brain development, the nervous system, the endocrine system, and memory.  This is likely a better diagnosis for your child. RAD, PTSD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder are all too narrow and miss the boat on effective treatment.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Angry Dysregulation

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I hated. bye
I hate y.  bye
i hate u. bye
I hate who. bye
I hate you. bye
 
I received these five texts, one right after the other, while I was co-facilitating a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop over the weekend. Thank goodness they weren’t from my husband, right? 
 
I rarely consequence when correcting these days.  My son is 17 years old.  He doesn’t learn from consequences, so I learned not to use them for that purpose.  Well, until he broke my trust in a minor way and I was too tired to think it through. During that low point, I knee jerk took away his electronics and required him to return home in the middle of a three-day stay with a friend.  I dropped a bomb on his world over a minor offense.  When he returned to an electronics-free bedroom, he sent me those lovely texts above. There you have it–angry dysregulation.
 

messy room

He stayed dysregulated for two days, destroying his room, sneaking food under his covers, refusing to do his chores, and yelling down the hall at me, “Please don’t speak to me again today!” He did say please. Good boy.Let’s just say this. There were no clean bowls, spoons, or glasses in the house. They were all piled high in the sink or strewn across his bedroom floor.  
 
Before I left the house for the last day of my workshop, I sat on the side of his bed where he was swaddled like a mummy head to toe and gently said this: 
 
Honey, I know you are angry because I took away your electronics and cancelled your sleepover.  I also know you feel ashamed of what you did that caused it.  I am leaving for work right now and will be back in three hours.  This can all be over by you facing what you did like a man and then taking care of your responsibilities around the house. I have left you a list. What you did is not so horrible that you have to feel bad about yourself. You can just learn from your mistake. Your electronics will follow. I love you. See you later.
 
When my workshop was over, I returned home to a spotless house and a boy still swaddled in covers. When he heard me come in, he raised up and said,  I suddenly realized I was making it worse. Sorry Mom, I didn’t mean that text.  
 
Thanks for the apology.  Nice job on the kitchen, too.
 
This could all have been handled differently by me.  Just like him, I forget sometimes how I make things worse by dropping bombs on mosquitos.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Over-Processing

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I know it is hard to believe that I have been anything better than a horrible parent, given some of the things I have shared with YOU.  I have my scorched earth moments and I have my strengths, too.  One surprising strength of mine is not needing to process everything to death.

I think attuned heart-to-hearts are precious.  When my husband and I have “the talk,” it is slow, purposeful, and over fairly quickly.  We stop, sit down, look into each others’ eyes, say how we feel, what we need, what we don’t need, make a repair if necessary, and get done.  These happen once in awhile. Our love, attachment and relationship are strong.

An earOver-processing leads partners and children to hate “the talk.”  Make your talks emotionally yummy, satisfying, touching, and over quickly.  Choose your topics wisely.  Be selective about what requires “the talk.”  If you are able to do that, you will probably get at least one of your child’s ears in the discussion.  One is way better than none.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Attachment Is Everything

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Teens need attachment love, too.  Attachment challenged children really struggle in adolescence.  All the usual questions of adolescence are magnified: Who am I? Where do I belong?  What matters to me?  To whom do I matter? 

 
Fears and anxieties are huge for our teens when cortisol and hormones run high.  Parents, pump-up your compassion and dial-down your fears.  Remember what it was like to desperately want someone to choose you, like you, touch you, kiss you? Remember what is was like to need to pump up your vibrato, puff out your chest, challenge and win, be right, get your dream date, or be a BFF?  

Older and Outer

 
Remember howfitting in andstanding out were in constant cross-fire inside your head? 
 
Remember how OLD and OUT OF IT your parents seemed?
Remember how far ahead of your brain your mouth was?
danger brain mouth
Now, multiply those memories by the intensity of 20, or so. To varying degrees our teens are us, plus sized. Icky thought for most of us. If YOU were never like this, YOU are going to have trouble with empathy for your teen.  YOU still need to find some, because rejection, shaming, lecturing, disappointment, outrage, frustration and anger will not create the attachment love connection necessary to get your teen through this volatile period in life.
YOU must be the one who changes.  The more YOU insist that the teen make the changes before YOU can trust, the less trust there will be.  Trust is one of those things, like love, YOU just have to give away a little at a time. Sometimes you get it back, right?  Sometimes you don’t. Trusting is risky business.  Consider the alternative.  And, no, you cannot lock them in the basement until they are 21.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

 

Parents Talk Too Much

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Ever notice that your child tunes you out?  YOU talk too much.  Most parents do.  We over process, over think, over talk, over lecture, over teach, over kill with words.

 

bootcamp 2 2

When we hold a Love Matters Bootcamp with a family here at The Attach Place, we start the week with a list of simple guidelines and we use those same words every day in one way or another to teach a whole bunch of things. 
 
There are about 10 words in all.  When the family goes home, we send the wall size guidelines home with them to use EVERY DAY. Every family is different, but the guidelines are usually the same.
 
Here they are:
 
Be Gentle and Kind
Stick Together
Use Your Words
Ask Permission
No Hurts
Have Fun!
 
These are not original; they are condensed from Trust-based Parenting Intervention by Karen Purvis and David Cross. Turns out we use 15 words in all.  Compare that number to the number of words in one single lecture about hitting, or disrespecting, or sneaking, or tantruming, or sulking, or whining.  
 

twister

Kids don’t have time to tune out three or four words. Consider that when you next start in on correcting your child. Too many words may really be about punishing, shaming, scolding, fear, anger, frustration.  
 
Be a parent who is all about fewer words and No Hurts.
 
Being a kid shouldn’t hurt, right?  Being a parent should be fun, right?  
 
We are all works in progress.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Cognitive Delay

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apronsMy mother was quick to anger.  She had very little patience with me and I was all thumbs and left feet. I have a salient memory of needing to make an apron from a paper pattern (which was child abuse, if you ask me) at home for Home Ec.  My mother was an excellent seamstress and while I struggled with something bunchy under the tines of the sewing machine foot, she snapped, “Let me do it.”  In two seconds I was standing aside watching while she silently and effortlessly finished the whole thing. I will never forget that. The things I learned were this:

I was too stupid to live.
My mother was all powerful, all knowing, bigger than life, and scary.
I was useless, inadequate and not worth teaching.
I disgusted her and she didn’t like me very much.
I was afraid of her and I didn’t like her that much either.
 
Of-course, I never learned to sew because I never tried to do it again.
 
Children from difficult beginnings often have cognitive delays in their executive function: working memory, attention, self-checking, cause and effect thinking and planning and time concepts.
 

sewing

Be thoughtful about what you are teaching your child, when you are quick to anger when they cannot easily do a task YOU think should be a piece of cake.  Children, teens, adults from hard places are managing their brain functions all the time and they sometimes cannot easily access parts of the brain that would help them make good decisions, listen to an entire sentence, remember how to do something that they do all the time, check for their own mistakes, know that breaking the rules will beget some kind of consequence, and figure out when it is time to stop playing and start their chores.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS: