Tag Archives: Adoptive Parents

Books and Children Need Launching

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Dear Parent,

As you probably know, I am launching a book.  It has taken me years to get the darned thing to press, and April 16th is the big launch party (actually it is pretty small, which is perfect).  At the same time, I have been preparing to launch my three adult children. The frightening similarity in the two processes escaped me until yesterday morning, when I was hit with a huge wave of anxiety and I couldn’t tell the source.  For days my mind has been obsessively alternating two thoughts:  Should I get the office carpet cleaned for the big day? and Are my kids capable of pulling this off?  Is it the book launch?  Is it the kid launch?  Is it the fear of failure on all fronts?  Or is it the thrill of success?  Ding, ding, ding…I am dysregulated.  And if you see “I” am, you ought to see my kids.  Whew, pure fear sweat around this house.

Writing a book is a painstaking process requiring daily discipline and commitment to staying on track–even when some days are dark with apathy, light on inspiration, and gray from blight of imagination.  Often I have wanted to give up because my inner gremlin, Mack The Hack, tells me no one cares what I have to say; so why try? Then out of nowhere, ideas poured out onto the page like sublime wine from a muse’s challis. That’s hyperbole; my writing is never like that.  It is more akin to the heavy hands of a chimp pounding on the keyboard.

Launching my children resembles a gorilla pounding on the keys of every day life. Occasionally there is divine intervention of joy and delight, but the process is largely a commitment of love.  It is work; work, like in my therapy office, work.

This launch comparison is apt for so many reasons, but I will stop writing in order not to bore you to tears with the details. I will, however, make this one last observation. I am okay with my book being a flop, and so not okay with my kids flopping out in the world.   I will put a safety net around them by way of continuous support.  Book, you are on your own. Good luck to ya.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book…
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire…
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big biglove. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive MotherDrowning with My Hair on Fire Book Cover
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

 

 

Be A Secure Base

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Dear Parents,

The first year of a baby’s life is completely focused on establishing a secure attachment between the baby and primary caregiver.  This is usually referred to as a secure base.  With a well developed secure base, children literally have a brain blueprint for loving, reciprocal relationships for the rest of their lives.  They are more likely then to be resilient when life’s difficulties arise.  Securely attached children are better able to actualize their full mental capacity, moral development, cognitive functions of organization and positive decision making, and empathy for others at home and in the world.  As you can see, secure attachment is the greatest gift a parent offers a child; that beautiful, miraculous gift of love lasts throughout that child’s lifetime.  A child’s life is truly the legacy of every parent.

Adopting a child of any age means committing, as a parent, to the noble, sometimes gut wrenching task of systematically developing secure attachment; and, further, repairing the wounds in that child from the attachment breach, abandonment, and possible abuse in utero and beyond by the biological parent.

When your adopted children behave erratically out of an insecure base; when their world view’s are poorly developed for reciprocal relationships and self-regulation, your primary parenting imperative is to be the secure base your children did not get in the first year. Even if you adopted your child right from the hospital, your child’s secure base was disrupted by not going home to the arms, smell, heartbeat, and voice of the biological mother who the child knew intimately from the inside out.

Dear parents, meet your children with the eyes of empathy, compassion, and safety. When they are acting out their attachment wounds, creating chaos in your world, meet them with tender voice, soft eyes, understanding, and love; if you do, you will become the miracle of a secure base they missed out on in the early years.  What a gift you are to your child, your legacy.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Bookpicture of cover
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire…
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big biglove. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive MotherDrowning with My Hair on Fire Book Cover
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Parents Are Amazing

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Dear Parents,

You are amazing.  Every day I sit in my office with you and feel the despair, frustration, desperation and love you experience while living through the ups and downs of raising your challenging children.  I feel big love for you.  Without your tenacious therapeutic practices, your child would continue to have difficulty managing emotions, developing regulation, experiencing success, and healing deep within.  Unfortunately, you will only see little snippets of that growth here and there over a long period of time (well into adulthood).  That is the nature of a healing parent’s life.

Stay strong. Press on. Get support. Take respite. Find quiet. Seek love. Go play. Then pray. Keep calm. Carry on. Breathe deeply. You matter.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters, too.

Ce

 

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire…
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big biglove. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Big Fat Enabler

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Dear Parent,

Hello: My name is Ce, and I am a big fat electronics enabler.  There, I said it.  In January I gave my previously traumatized, attachment-challenged son a new computer for his birthday and he cannot manage it.  I knew that before I did it, and I did it anyway. Yep, that is the definition of an electronics enabler.

Today, I took it away, plus all the other little devices he has stored up over the years.  My son is an electronics addict.  I am an electronics enabler.  Electronics of all flavors interfere with his ability to function, to be responsible, to take care of himself, to engage with others, to care about people, and to care about his life. How in the world could I do that to him?

Well, I wanted to make him happy, and electronics make him happy in a way nothing else does; but that is just an excuse.  He does enjoy other things, when he has no other electronic option.  I am the one who caves to his desires.  I am his enabler.

Unlike other co-electronics-dependents, I am not powerless over this enabling.  I can put my foot down.  I put my foot down.  Quietly, without fanfare, I destroyed all the electronics in his possession.  I have severely disturbed my son.  I can live with that.  He cannot live unless I disturb his addiction.  Done.

My son has retreated to his bedroom, angry with me for my actions.  I told him my actions are acts of love.  And, they are.  They really are.  I love that boy and I don’t like him at all when he is practicing his addiction.  Enabling him makes no sense.  I am a sensible person.  I am now in recovery.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire…
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

 

 

Your Attachment Style Impacts Parenting

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Image
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents
Dear Parent,
I gave a little presentation the other day on attachment styles and how a parent’s style can positively or negatively impact a parent’s ability to raise a beautiful and challenging child.  When all was said and done, it seemed I focused too much on the negative.  I wish I could only focused on the positive.  I guess I believe that we often are so strength-based in our approaches to parent education and intervention that we don’t help parents see how they can change themselves to change their relationship with their hurting child.
When parents come into my office seeking help for their child, it is usually their attachment style that has gotten in the way of them being effective and loving with their child from difficult beginnings.  It is not the parent’s fault. It is a secret about parenting rarely brought into the light. Many of us are traumatized by our own experiences in childhood and life.  That trauma can interfere with our ability to weather the chronic maladaptive states of children who are also traumatized.
If you want to focus on the positive, then do attachment promoting parenting, therapeutic parenting–high nurture, high structure. Attunement, engagement, play, empathy, understanding and connection are the keys to healing attachment and trauma wounds in children and adults.  When you find you are unable to do those things on a regular basis, you probably need to look within at your own history of trauma and attachment.
Love matters,
Ce
The Attach Place Center
The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled forFebruary 20th and 27th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every secondWednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and Childcare are Free.
Look for Ce Eshelman’s Upcoming Book
 
Drowning With My Hair On Fire
Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Expected Publication Date: February 15, 2016
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire…
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Complex Trauma Is Harmful

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Image
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents
Dear Parent,
If you are looking to adopt a child from difficult beginnings, think twice; three times.  Children with complex trauma have wounds that are profound.  They need a special kind of parent–a parent who gets how to therapeutically raise a child with a broken heart.  It takes way more than love.  It takes tenacity, time, effort, big heart, perseverance, stamina, dedication, regulation, high tolerance for chaos, grit and altruistic love. Altruistic love means this:  parents give love when they do not get it back for a very, very long time–sometimes never.  Survival need and love are not the same. Children from difficult beginnings have survival need love.  Love matters, and from traumatized children it is not without extreme survival need.
Ce
The Attach Place Center
The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for February 20th and 27th from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.comand she will register you.
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30 pm to 7:30 pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce Eshelman’s Upcoming Book
 
Drowning With My Hair On Fire
Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Expected Publication Date: February 15, 2016
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire…
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Stealing, Lying, Crying

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Once upon a time there was a boy who felt bad inside about himself and he regularly did impulsive things that proved to himself and to others that he was indeed very bad to the core. One time this boy brought home something new from school every day. Each day his loving parents discovered the stolen item and administered some form of restorative justice, including a requirement to return the object with an apology. Of course, these weren’t the first stolen items they had come across and they were no strangers to the lies and crying admissions that came with the stealing.

This time, however, as the days rolled on and the stealing didn’t stop, the parents became frustrated and angry. They started to interpret these actions as innately criminal and heartless in nature. And, at the same time they personalized and interpreted the boy’s behavior as outright spite and disregard for them and their family ways, so they resorted to punishing him and saying mean, hurtful things. They were distraught and hopeless to ever get from this boy what they wanted–his goodness.

Sadly, the only time this boy felt “good” was when he was taking something he wanted or doing something he knew he shouldn’t.  In those moments, feeling good was the only thing that mattered.  Later, he felt disappointed that he got caught and ultimately sad about what he had done.  He knew his parents were exasperated with him and that they thought he was a bad seed because when they were really angry they said as much. What he knew for sure though was that deep down his feeling of badness was true.  He always felt that way and now everyone else knew it, too.

If the story ends here it is a tragedy.  If the parents find their compassion for the painful cycle this child from difficult beginnings is caught up in and help him understand his humanness; if they repair from the harsh things they said out of desperation and begin to reflect hope back at him in the kindness of their loving words and eyes, over time (sometimes a very long time) it will end up a hero’s journey for all.

You choose the ending for yourself.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no feeAdoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2ndWednesday of each month.  Next group is December 9th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Child care provided.
The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates areDecember 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When your child behaves badly, reflect understanding and goodness back.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

I Can’t Accept Him

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Parents get frustrated, even desperate when they cannot make their child be different (i.e. be good.)  We can even get to the point where we don’t want to be around our traumatized child and have nothing positive to say. I understand that; however, check out this comment, “I can’t accept him this way.”  If you don’t accept your child the way he is, then that same child will not have a cheerleader to encourage positive movement forward. Our children need to see their preciousness in our eyes, even when their behavior is ugly and unacceptable. That acceptance says they are lovable. What if when you heard that snarky tone, processed those mean words, and saw that offensive behavior, you gently requested a correction with compassion in your voice and soft loving eyes?  That would mean you are being a loving parent.  Your child needs love when s/he is being the worst.  Children do bad things when they feel bad about themselves and those around them. Turn the tides by focusing on being love in action and simply correct the offense with your heart intact.  Work very hard not to be a negative mirror to your child.  Instead, be a loving one.  Your child, who is acting out pain, needs the latter more.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

www.attachplace.com

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no feeAdoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2ndWednesday of each month.  Next group is December 9th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Child care provided.

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates areDecember 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com. 

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Commit to being love in action.

Parent Bashing

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I have no room in my personal or professional world for parent bashing. This is likely because I am a parent. I am not perfect. And I have been bashed by professionals, CPS, law enforcement and family.

I say that to say this: parents who give up, lose hope, throw up their hands and toss in the towel are cutting themselves and their children short. Honestly, some children do need to go to residential treatment because they truly cannot be safely maintained at home.  Some children go to residential treatment because their parent(s) cannot tolerate their feelings about their child at home.

I am not passing judgment. I am, however, encouraging parents who feel overwhelmed to get help and to resist the urge to give up.  You are the change agent in your child’s life. Giving up is not an option though shoring up is.

If giving up is on the tip of your tongue, you need more help than you are getting, and you need to advocate for more.  Go to your county adoption assistance program to request help.  Stomp your feet and insist that you get attachment help if standard Wraparound isn’t working. You can get support at home. Demand it.  And, demand it the way you need it.  If you know you need attachment therapy, don’t settle for behavior therapy.  If you know you need respite, don’t settle for therapy.  If you know you need emotional support for yourself, don’t settle for child rehabilitation services.

Get educated and informed about the services available to you in your county and state.  It isn’t the same in every state, and every county is different in their processes.  Call your adoption assistance program to find out what resources are available to your child.  Call your District Attorney to see if there is a Victim Compensation Fund and how to apply. Call your county mental health to access mental health benefits for your child and family. This may lead to Therapeutic Behavioral Services (TBS) and Wraparound Services (WRAP) for in-home therapeutic services.  Be sure to focus on attachment and relationship first, before behavior. You will get further with your child if you do so.

Also, if your child was originally taken by CPS in California (and perhaps other states) and given to you for fostering and adoption, s/he is likely eligible for Victim Compensation Funding that will pay for therapy.  There are also funds there for you, the derivative caregiver. These are awesome financial benefits for victims of crime that children adopted domestically from the systems deserve.

I hope this helps you know how to get started getting some services that you deserve.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is December 9th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Child care provided.

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com. 

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Resources are key in being able to deal with some of the emotional duress involved in raising attachment challenged, traumatized children.

…And Justice For All–Restorative Justice Best for Adoptive Children

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I know you all are doubtful that it is possible to raise attachment challenged, traumatized children without punishing them for their poor behavior. The real challenge is resisting the parental urge to punish. What you can do instead is get extremely good at restorative justice.

For your child, restorative justice is labor intensive, pocket-book painful, and shame free. It is just this simple. If you break it or steal it, you pay for it from your own resources–allowance, birthday money, savings, holiday money, earned income. If you waste my time, you owe me. No money? No problem. Pay your debt by dusting baseboards, pulling weeds, cleaning out the gutters, sweeping the patio, skimming the pool, walking the dog…there are a zillion ways to pay off the repair of damage done or time spent repairing, waiting, searching, taxi-ing, etc.

The world works according to the principles of restorative justice. If you park too long, you pay a price. If you back into another car, you pay to fix it. If you put a hole in the wall, you repair it after shopping and paying for spackle. If you do not show up to a therapy appointment, you have to pay anyway. If you do not show up for work, you are fired and do not collect a paycheck. Restorative justice is educational and excellent training for the future.

Those are the kinds of consequences that make sense, restore justice, require responsible action, and have zero emotional expenditures if you can manage to regulate.

I can kind of hear a cry from many of you parents: What if they won’t do it? If they won’t, then they don’t get the next thing they want until they do restore justice. It’s a kind of barless jail. When bail is paid, life goes back to normal. Just like in real life. This can be your child’s real life. Give it a shot and stop punishing poor behavior. Punishment teaches nothing positive. Restorative justice teaches fairness.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is November 11th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month. Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online at http://www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

…and justice for all.