Tag Archives: Adoptive Parents

Learning Curve for Parenting Attachment Challenged Children

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There is a steep learning curve in the course of raising children. Just when you think you have nearly figured out the secret to those complex chemical chain reactions the whole darned chemistry set blows up, and all you have is a mess in the kitchen.

Take heart, sweet parents. In every chaotic mess there is an opportunity to clean up the work space, fine tune the instruments, glean the data, analyze the sequences, and get a little breathing room, so you can start again. Persistence is your friend in the case of solving the parent/child relationship equation.

Parenting Learning Curve

Parenting Learning Curve

If your kitchen is blowing up, collect some meta data: What am I forgetting? What am I leaving out? What am I expecting? What is my goal? Where are my resources? Where is my heart? What are the basics–sensory,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

environment, connection, correction? What just happened? What did I do? Is there balance? Am I taking care of myself? Is relationship before compliance my mantra? What is the need? What is the point?

Learning curve or not, forward is the only way through. Persist.

Love Matters,

Ce

P.S. Sneak peek. I am excited to announce that in Sacramento, CA, The Attach Place’s Jennifer Olden, LMFT (Certified Supervisor of Emotionally Focused Therapy) and Robin Blair (EFT intern) are offering a reduced rate “Hold Me Tight” weekend workshop, March 21-23, 2014, especially for parents of attachment challenged children. This workshop is internationally celebrated as one of the most effective ways of strengthening the marriage/couple bond. There is limited space and YOU are the first to know! I will get you more details later this week. If you are interested, you can send an email to ce@attachplace.com. Stay tuned.

The Attach Place’s next Trust-based Parent Training Course begins March 29, 2014. Click here for more information. This is a link to the registration page.

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Attachment Panic–Freeze

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Previously this week, I wrote about attachment panic reactions–fight and flight–and today’s topic is the third reaction in the trilogy, freeze. You will recall that attachment panic is often triggered when an attachment challenged person perceives deprivation or withdrawal of another’s love. The cellular memory of early deprivation and loss causes a reaction of fight, flight or freeze.
 
This is freeze:
When your 6 year old cuts her long hair on one side up to her ear and she faces your displeasure mute with wide open eyes while you ask her what in the world she was thinking; when your 15 year old glazes over like an ice statue when you approach him about stuffing his dirty laundry back into his drawers instead of the washer; when your 3 year old collapses to the floor in a fetal position just as you are leaving for work; when your 12 year old stares at you expressionless while yawning just as you are making a poignant point; when you see those blank, death grip, deer in the headlights, lights on no one home, checked out, empty faced stares, YOU are experiencing attachment panic freeze.
 
Try to remember that this is pure fear.  Take a deep breath or a little time out to regulate yourself, lower your intensity and voice tone, and soften your eyes, because you are scaring your child to death (again) if you don’t.  Nothing they have done is worth that.

Attachment Panic–Flight

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Attachment panic can be as brutal for the attachment object (YOU) as it is for the person experiencing it. Attachment panic can occur when an attachment challenged person is triggered by perceived deprivation or withdrawal of another’s love. The cellular memory of early deprivation and loss causes a reaction of fight, flight or freeze.

This is flight:
When your 8 year old says nonsensical, random things when you are trying to make connection before you leave for work; when your 4 year old takes off running, forcing YOU to chase her to get her teeth brushed; when your 16 year old retreats to his room before you get two sentences out about the chores not being done; when your 12 year old loses about 8 years of brain power as you confront her on the family computer browser history that shows visits to unsavory websites; when these kinds of mind boggling events occur, YOU are experiencing attachment panic flight.

Try to step out of the trap of making sense of flight behaviors. They don’t make sense in the context of the moment. However, in the context of your child’s inner world fleeing from feelings of deprivation or fear of losing your love makes perfect sense.

Welcome to Wisdom For Adoptive Parents

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I write this blog every day for parents of children with attachment challenges.  This is usually adoptive children; however, many times people find themselves here who are seeking information about parenting children with special needs.  YOU are welcome.  This blog is referred to as Daily YOU Time–Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.  I hope you can see what that means after reading a few posts.  My goal is to support you in doing the most difficult job on Earth–parenting attachment challenged children.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Attachment Specialist