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Tag Archives: Attachment Therapy for Children
This One Is For YOU
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Extrapolation Nation
(If you are planning on attending the upcoming Trust based Parent Training, take a look at the bottom of this page because the dates and times have changed. No inconvenience intended.)
For your edification, this is the definition of extrapolation according to my BFF M. Webster:
Extrapolation is an act or instance of inferring an unknown from something that is known.
One of the most mind-bending features of trauma on the brain is the way it can interfere with the development of extrapolation
skills–a handy little executive function.
When I taught my son how to measure a cup of water for making instant oatmeal, he was 6-years-old and I didn’t expect him to remember how to do it the next time. When he was 12-years-old, I really, really, really wanted him to be able to measure a cup of water for instant oatmeal from one day to the next. Really, really, really, I did.
Unfortunately, year after year, I have had to tell him how much water to use (and how long to cook it, for that matter.) Oh yeah, he can read the label on the package. Oh yeah, there is a cheat sheet on making instant oatmeal in his “How To Do Everything” binder. Oh yeah, he has an average IQ.
Funny thing though: he knows the fastest footpath to Target; he knows how much “found” change it takes to buy mini donuts at the corner store; he knows how to buy stuff on the internet by “borrowing” my credit card (apparently the security code on the back of a credit card is innate knowledge); and he knows how to take the RT to a friend’s house. Why in the world can he not remember how much clothing is too much clothing for the washer, how to turn on the dishwasher, or how to cook instant oatmeal?
ARGHHHHH!!!!
If this is familiar, then you can know that your traumatized child has what we call spiky access to his executive function. Sometimes she can and sometimes she can’t extrapolate. It is what it is. No need to lose your marbles over it or break your tender relationship because of it. Instead, breathe and direct him to the place where he can find the answer to his 999th question about the same thing. One day, out of the blue, like an epiphany or lightening bolt to the forehead, your child will just be able to do it.
At that point, SNOOPY Dance!
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
One cup, 90 seconds. One cup, 90 seconds. One cup, 90 seconds. Heaven forbid I change our brand of oatmeal with different amounts of water and cooking times. Change is scary, my son says. I believe him.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Who Needs the Therapy?
Parents often call my office looking for therapy for their attachment challenged child(ren). When I share our comprehensive family approach, many are accepting and excited. Some however are white-knuckling every day, worn out to the core, and reluctant to put in even an ounce more energy. These parents are desperate to get help for their child and they focus on that.
He never does what I tell him to do.
She only cares about herself.
Something is wrong with him.
She sneaks around all the time.
He steals things from everyone.
She doesn’t have a conscience.
He lies about everything.
She is grieving about her past.
He is negative all the time.
She doesn’t care about anything.
He hurts his brother.
She hates me and her life.
He is self-centered and disrespectful.
S/He needs therapy.
I have no doubt.
Here is what I see in the room with me:
YOU are hurt.
YOU are triggered.
YOU are reactive.
YOU are adversarial.
YOU are resentful.
YOU are grieving.
YOU are angry.
YOU are depressed.
YOU are dysregulated.
YOU are exhausted.
YOU feel hopeless.
YOU need therapy.
Your whole family needs help, because YOU are the healer for your own child. Therapy isn’t effective without YOU.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
When YOU have trouble finding yourself,
YOU need help.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
YOU Are Scary
Ever wonder why your children from hard places are more shenanigan prone with YOU than with any other person? Doesn’t it seem sometimes like your mere presence in a room invites behavior that your mother-in-law swears didn’t happen all day until YOU showed up? Doesn’t it feel like all of these shenanigans are your fault or directed at YOU? After all they are mostly happening when you are there.
Okay, I give you credit for knowing the ins and outs of this. I know you know it is because they come from difficult beginnings and have been hurt and abandoned by the beloved. Just to drive it home–truth be told–the real reason is simple: YOU are scary. Yep it is YOU. YOU, the current attachment object.
Attachment is scary. Have you ever had the feeling that you might be falling in love and really needing someone before you know for sure they feel the same way? Ever been hurt by someone you trusted wholeheartedly and then felt guarded and apprehensive about the next relationship? Ever act completely a fool in the presence of someone you gave yourself to, but the relationship deal has not been struck yet? Ever found yourself doing shenanigans that you are not proud of out of insecurity or fear of loss? See, attachment is scary; and, you are an adult.
You and your child from difficult beginnings are in the scary dance of attachment. It takes a long time for any human to give their heart vulnerably and securely to another. If you come from your own difficult beginnings you can multiply that vulnerability by 10 or so. Our kids are right there.
It is NOT your fault. It is your gift to them to hold steady, keep dancing, and be the safety, the love they don’t yet trust exists in the world.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Love the way you want to be loved–wholeheartedly.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Time Flies, Except When It Stands Still
Time is such a relative thing. Einstein was right, I guess. (Okay, all you scientists, let me have it.) As my son approached his 18th birthday, I felt time flying by. I actually wanted to slow it down just a little so I could savor the great progress he was making just before the big day. No such luck.
Once, when I was a teenager, I was the shotgun passenger in a little aluminum-can-car that spun fiercely around in circles on a black ice highway; and then, in this weird time distortion, came to a near stop facing backward on the wrong side of the road–it seemed like I could have opened the door and stepped out–before the car side-ended over a 500 foot cliff. Every revolution of the car down the mountain-side was in slow motion; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight rolls before spearing itself on a baby pine tree growing parallel to the mountain side. We were suspended there by that spindly toothpick about 100 feet from river rocks below. The whole thing was surreal and I never thought of time the same again.
When my attachment challenged children were growing up, I experienced the relativity of time again. I felt like I was in a perpetual slow-mo Lifetime for Television movie, where time stood nearly still for 10 years. Only my wrinkles and my aging husband had any speed of note. Uh, let’s keep that between us, okay?
So, if you feel up close and personal with Einstein or whomever had that time is relative thought, take heart. Time really is relative and one day like the magic of movies it speeds up and you find that the perpetual slow-motion crash is over. YOU just need to make sure there is more than a toothpick holding you above the rocks, when it finally ends.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Slow-Mo-Life
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Parent Healers
There is a place for therapy for attachment challenged children, but only after parents have regulated themselves, adjusted their parenting practices, and addressed their own childhood wounds. Without consistent emotional safety in the family home, traumatized children cannot do the work YOU might want them to do.
For example, chronic control, lying, defiance, manipulation, opposition, and badgering are not going to get better by sending the child to therapy. Those are all behaviors that spring out of insecure attachment, avoidant attachment, complex reactivity and poor parent/child relationships. Trauma is about the only thing that can be lessened one-on-one in therapy with an attachment challenged child, and even that is hit or miss.
Attachment challenged children can make great strides in Theraplay and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy with the parents.
There is no way around YOU being the best healer for your child. YOU have to learn the tools though.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
I always wished a therapist could help my children, but I was the only one who could find that tiny hidden doorway into their hearts.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
I Am Stunned
Wow, I am having a jaw-dropping experience at my house and it is a long story. Sorry.
For 16 years (and counting), I have had to wake up my child from the death-grip of sleep; then wait 10 minutes and do it again; then wait 10 more minutes and do it again; and so on. To correct this frustrating habit, I have done any number of desperate things: rubbed his back, waved food under his nose, reminded him of rewards, talked ad nauseam about it in therapy, made agreements, bargained, physically roused him, threatened him, yelled at him, poured water on him (not proud), dragged him, pled with him, threw my hands up and simply shut the door–done, you win.
Some of these approaches worked for a morning or two, but never longer than three days in a row. And, honestly, some of these things bordered on child abuse, damaged our relationship, and made our mornings together seriously unpleasant for 5,840 days (sans weekends and school breaks) of our lives.
Two weeks ago, I had a very calm, very serious moment with him. I reminded him that he would be 18 in two weeks, at which time I would be done having bad mornings. While I was at it, I let him know that I was also done with breaking rules, lying, general opposition, and passive aggressive disrespect. I was on a roll. Yep, I did what I always tell YOU not to do.
To my surprise, my son started to cry. Really cry. It was heart breaking. I was sure I had scared him to death and that his tears were about thinking he was about to be homeless (which I would never do to him.) I told him I wasn’t going to say more and asked him if he needed anything. Again, to my surprise, this 5’10” tear-faced boy with a beard asked, “Can I have a hug?”
When I opened my arms, he threw his whole body into me, weeping for 10 minutes more. Finally, he sat back with a big grin saying, “That was the first time I have really hugged you.”
I know. It felt really good (and it really did.)
After that he tells me he feels ashamed of himself because he can’t stop thinking about killing me in my sleep and other things he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He was genuinely scared of his own mind and he told me he has been having these thoughts for years.
Years? Yikes!
I tell him I understand, thanked him for trusting me with them, and empathized with how hard it must have been for him to hold in these thoughts like poison secrets inside his mind. I tell him I love him with all my heart. He tells me how he has hated me and my husband for what he calls “nothing really.” He tells me about grudges he has been holding from years ago. He tells me he never does what I want because he is angry (duh) and these scary thoughts make him closed off and shut down.
Good talk.
For two weeks he is a changed person. Gets himself up early. Does his chores, mostly well. Zips his pants, brushes his teeth, puts on deodorant without reminders. Asks permission. Has broken no house rules. Is pleasant. Smiles. Gives hugs. He says the gruesome thoughts are completely gone and he can’t believe it. He thinks all of his shenanigans were related to them.
Too good to be true, right? I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. Until then, I am one amazed and happy mamma.
Note to self: get a lock for my bedroom door.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
He was brave to tell me and I am brave not to flip out.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
The Attach Place/Neurofeedback Solutions is an active supporter of The Wounded Warrior Project. We give free neurofeedback treatment to veterans. If you know someone in the Sacramento area who is suffering from the effects of war, we are here to help one soldier at a time.
Empathy, Really?
Are you freaking kidding me? This kid has kicked me, scratched me, bit me, broken my favorite things, run off, told lies about me and to me, stolen things from everyone I know and YOU want me to show him empathy? I know he went through a lot in his first few years. I know! But this is five years later and he acts like I did it to him. He doesn’t care about anything, let alone me. He has to be punished for his behavior or he will never learn.
First, I empathize with YOU. What you are going through every day with your very challenging child is painful and tiring and I know you are on the edge of hopelessness. Me, too. I have felt all of these things, too. I can see you are brokenhearted and desperate to have peace in your family.
YOU can do this, but it will be hard and take all the strength and determination you have. Yes, empathy in the face of trouble is the first step toward turning this all around. It will not be fast and it will not be easy. It will be a daily practice of mindfulness, self-care, and love to be the “adult in the room.” It has taken me years to become that adult. Years. That was my personal journey. Who knew that I had so many childhood wounds that would be healed along the way to learning how to love my attachment challenged children?
Ready or not, this is your journey.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Every journey begins with one step. Why not empathy?
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.
The Attach Place/Neurofeedback Solutions is an active supporter of The Wounded Warrior Project. We give free neurofeedback treatment to veterans. If you know someone in the Sacramento area who is suffering from the effects of war, we are here to help one soldier at a time.
Teach Respect
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Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 