Tag Archives: Marriage and Attachment Challenged Children

Dear Desperate

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Maybe I need to address this differently.
Dear Desperate,
I know that YOU are at your wits end.  YOU have tried everything.  Nothing, I mean, NOTHING works. Nothing! I know that sickening feeling in my bones–that exhausted, weary, battered feeling of despair and powerlessness that seeps into everything you say and do. It makes your work an escape, your marriage a war zone, your parenting a desperate nightmare you never wake up from.
This is the point where the rubber hits the road and you are challenged to stay in the game of life with your extremely emotionally disturbed and disturbing child.  You have been hit, bit, spat upon, and that isn’t even the half of it.  You have felt rage, the depth of which you never imagined. You have wanted to (or maybe you have) hit your precious child. You want to leave your marriage, kill yourself, run away forever, or you may even fantasize about taking the whole family over the side of the bridge together. You endlessly feel regret, focus on how it used to be, and wrestle with overwhelming tidal waves of guilt and shame, as you ruminate about life without your child.
Okay, maybe YOU haven’t experienced all of that, but plenty of it, right?  I could tell you to get help, but I know you already have. YOU are doing everything you can think of and nothing is working to make your child the one you thought you were adopting.  I know you thought that therapy and love and a good family was going to change that little brain that was harmed before s/he ever came home to YOU.  And now you think none of that works and none of it matters.
What can I say to YOU that will make it better?  Maybe nothing, except, “Me, too.”  YOU are not alone, but it sure feels like it.  I know this is going to seem impossible, but there are a lot of things that you have to do for YEARS before change occurs and, even then, your child is still likely going to need more parenting than one or two people can provide.
1. Get regular respite.  YOU cannot do this without space from your child for your own amygdala to get out of cascading neurochemical flooding.  I am talking about weekly childcare so you can go out; hire a daily in-home child-care worker to help with daily routines; find weekend respite once a month, etc.
2. Enlist family and neighbors to learn about complex developmental trauma and emotional dysregulation in children from difficult beginnings.  Family members can only be helpful if they are educated and informed.  When someone asks if they can help, say yes and get them up to speed on what YOU really need.
3. Face it:  YOU have to be a therapeutic parent.  YOU don’t get to be just a mom or just a dad. You actually must practice trust-based parenting strategies and sensory engagement consistently–consistently. Use life scripts. Use routines. Use correction strategies.  Do it over and over and over and over. It matters, but it takes years sometimes for the scripts to kick in and the strategies to make new neural pathways. That is what you are doing for your child–creating new neural pathways. That is hard work that requires playful engagement and repetition to the point of tears. Do it like a meditation.
4.  Get help for your marriage, if you still have one. Our children split their parents and parents turn on each other.  YOU cannot be in a relationship war and simultaneously stay out of parenting hell. You need more than a “pretend” united front. Get help to get more.
5. If you are feeling even half of what I wrote about above, then you are likely suffering from Post-Adoption Traumatic Stress. It is a REAL thing. You need help, or YOU might actually hurt someone.  At the very least, your child will not get better without you healing your knee-jerk reactions.  Those are trauma induced reactions.  YOU need to help yourself–put the oxygen mask on yourself first.  Consider: yoga, meditation, neurofeedback, medication, therapy, Brainspotting, EMDR.
 
6. If YOU really have done it all and you cannot find a way to live with the chaos, look for residential treatment.  This can help when YOU cannot give another ounce.  I know it feels like abandonment, but it isn’t.  YOU are always going to be the parent.  You will be engaged in treatment until your child comes back home to you.  It is not a magic bullet. Trust me on this.  But, it can help everyone’s trauma resolve and routines to be established.  There will be plenty of work left when your child returns home. Did I mention trusting me on this? Been there, too.
 
7. Be gentle on yourself and on your child.  Children are not like this to “mess” with YOU. They are like this when they have been harmed in the early years.  You are not like this because you want to “mess” with your child.  You are traumatized, too.  
 
This is hard, unfair, unreasonable, scary, and life altering, but YOU can do it.  I didn’t think I could, and I did.  So can YOU.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
  • Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014.  Email for more information:  jennifer@attachplace.com.

Angry Dysregulation

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I hated. bye
I hate y.  bye
i hate u. bye
I hate who. bye
I hate you. bye
 
I received these five texts, one right after the other, while I was co-facilitating a Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop over the weekend. Thank goodness they weren’t from my husband, right? 
 
I rarely consequence when correcting these days.  My son is 17 years old.  He doesn’t learn from consequences, so I learned not to use them for that purpose.  Well, until he broke my trust in a minor way and I was too tired to think it through. During that low point, I knee jerk took away his electronics and required him to return home in the middle of a three-day stay with a friend.  I dropped a bomb on his world over a minor offense.  When he returned to an electronics-free bedroom, he sent me those lovely texts above. There you have it–angry dysregulation.
 

messy room

He stayed dysregulated for two days, destroying his room, sneaking food under his covers, refusing to do his chores, and yelling down the hall at me, “Please don’t speak to me again today!” He did say please. Good boy.Let’s just say this. There were no clean bowls, spoons, or glasses in the house. They were all piled high in the sink or strewn across his bedroom floor.  
 
Before I left the house for the last day of my workshop, I sat on the side of his bed where he was swaddled like a mummy head to toe and gently said this: 
 
Honey, I know you are angry because I took away your electronics and cancelled your sleepover.  I also know you feel ashamed of what you did that caused it.  I am leaving for work right now and will be back in three hours.  This can all be over by you facing what you did like a man and then taking care of your responsibilities around the house. I have left you a list. What you did is not so horrible that you have to feel bad about yourself. You can just learn from your mistake. Your electronics will follow. I love you. See you later.
 
When my workshop was over, I returned home to a spotless house and a boy still swaddled in covers. When he heard me come in, he raised up and said,  I suddenly realized I was making it worse. Sorry Mom, I didn’t mean that text.  
 
Thanks for the apology.  Nice job on the kitchen, too.
 
This could all have been handled differently by me.  Just like him, I forget sometimes how I make things worse by dropping bombs on mosquitos.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Over-Processing

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I know it is hard to believe that I have been anything better than a horrible parent, given some of the things I have shared with YOU.  I have my scorched earth moments and I have my strengths, too.  One surprising strength of mine is not needing to process everything to death.

I think attuned heart-to-hearts are precious.  When my husband and I have “the talk,” it is slow, purposeful, and over fairly quickly.  We stop, sit down, look into each others’ eyes, say how we feel, what we need, what we don’t need, make a repair if necessary, and get done.  These happen once in awhile. Our love, attachment and relationship are strong.

An earOver-processing leads partners and children to hate “the talk.”  Make your talks emotionally yummy, satisfying, touching, and over quickly.  Choose your topics wisely.  Be selective about what requires “the talk.”  If you are able to do that, you will probably get at least one of your child’s ears in the discussion.  One is way better than none.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Frog in a Pot

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You have all probably heard the analogy of the Frog in the Kettle, right?  Okay, I’m forced to repeat it.  If you put a frog in a hot kettle of water, it will jump right out–smart froggie style. If you put a frog in a cold kettle of water on a slow to boil stove, the froggie, well, will not have the good sense to stretch a leg.  That same smart froggie will simply adjust, adjust, adjust to death, as the water boils right over.
If you are in a hot pot with your attachment challenged children, you may not realize that you need help, Help, HELP to turn the temperature down.
 
In order to engage and thrive with attachment challenged children in your life, you have to be able to:
  • Open yourself to the realities of their lives before YOU
  • Tolerate their wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Handle your own wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Become hyper-flexible like a parenting ninja
  • Get support from everywhere and everyone to keep the water cool
pot
If you don’t…Hello froggie, this is not the pond you were hoping for.  Jump!
 
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

Utilitarian Parenting

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Utilitarian Parenting is not Good Enough Parenting. What the heck does that mean?

 
You have probably heard that YOU don’t have to be a Perfect Parent, YOU just have to be Good Enough. On the face of it, that is true. Perfection is required of no one and is by definition impossible for humans to attain anyway. Still, I find that many parents have succumbed to fast paced, over-busy, project manager, drill sergeant parenting, which turns out not to be Good Enough for the special needs of our special children.
rushed parent
Does this sound familiar?  Come on, get your teeth brushed, we have to get going. You are not going to have time for breakfast.  I have to go.  Now.  Shoes.  Just put them on in the car.  Hurry up, get out to the car.  Did you finish that last page of homework?  I told you to do it before watching cartoons.  You said you did it.  I should have checked.  I will be checking today, so don’t try to fake me out.  There is always so much traffic around the school. You have to get going earlier in the mornings, because this traffic is impossible.  I get stuck here forever.  Okay, I will pick you up right here at 3pm, so BE HERE.  We have to pick up Aunt Suzie after school, so don’t be late.  Okay, get your stuff and jump out.  I’ll see you later. Give me a hug. Okay, bye.  Have a good day.  Don’t forget to be here, right here, at 3pm. Don’t go off with your friends. I have to be on time for Aunt Suzie. Hey, look at me, tell me what you heard. Where are you going to be at 3pm today?   
 
Now multiply this by every time you talk to your child. That is Utilitarian Parenting and ultimately it is not Good Enough to win over or heal the wounded heart of a traumatized, attachment challenged child.  
 
dad nurturingWe are all busy, but that is no excuse for missing the boat on being a nurturing parent.  Slow down.  Care more about your connection than being on time.  Notice feelings more often than undone homework. Engage more, correct less. Play. Laugh. Hug. Roll around on the floor. Be silly. Give your time and attention now, or pay later.
 
This is not criticism or guilt tripping or shaming. I was raised by Utilitarian Parents, so I tended to be a Utilitarian Parent, too. It was not Good Enough for the child that I was, and it wasn’t healing enough for my kids.  I had to learn how to be engaged and nurturing. That seems kind of nutty, but it is true.
 
Try very hard to resist the urge to think your child NEEDS Utilitarian Parenting or nothing would ever get done.  Your child NEEDS YOU, all of you, your attention, your time, your touch, your loving eyes, your playful engagement, your attuned, checked-in parenting.  That is Good Enough.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

The Grief Within

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I was watching the 9/11 Memorial Museum dedication today and had a wave of deep sadness overtake me from that tragedy.  Then, without realizing it, I was consumed in old unrelated grief and simply cried it out until the tears stopped and I felt done.
 
angery griefHow this unfolded this morning in me made me think of YOU and your children. Grief often plays a big part in the background of our lives.  Our children have lost their sense of felt safety along with original attachments and sometimes many subsequent ones.  We parents have our personal grief from wounds past and re-worked dreams for the family life we hoped we were creating when we brought our children home. The grief is deeply stored as trauma in our brains, one painful event on top of another, that lends to inexplicable, triggered emotional experiences throughout our daily lives. 
How this unfolded this morning in me made me think of YOU and your children. Grief often plays a big part in the background of our lives.  Our children have lost their sense of felt safety along with original attachments and sometimes many subsequent ones.  We parents have our personal grief from wounds past and re-worked dreams for the family life we hoped we were creating when we brought our children home. The grief is deeply stored as trauma in our brains, one painful event on top of another, that lends to inexplicable, triggered emotional experiences throughout our daily lives.
 
Grief is sneaky.  It is like the background of a Jackson Pollack canvas.  We often cannot see it anymore due to the wild strokes of everyday life, but it is there, lying in wait for a scratch on the surface to reveal what hides beneath. 
 
Our kids have a complex reality and they rarely understand themselves, their emotions, or why the grief in the form of outbursts, negativity, and aggression overtake them at random intervals when they feel deprivation of any kind.
If YOU understood the grief beneath the outbursts, perhaps you would be more compassionate toward your child tragically tantruming over not getting a second cookie.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Day one of Trust-based Relational Parent Training.  Super great group of parents.  Wish YOU were here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Big HUG and APPRECIATION for the generous scholarship contributions–YOU know who YOU are.  The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.

 

Falling On My Nose

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trippingI fall a lot.  Just this week I fell right on my nose.  Didn’t break it, so all is well.  I fall so often that when I texted my husband about an accident outside the house between a bicyclist and a SUV, he texted back, What hospital are you going to?  Huh, wah?  It took three texts to clarify to him I wasn’t talking about myself, but rather about a stranger in the front yard (bicyclist hurt her foot, not too serious, for those of you with inquiring minds.)
Both of my kids had and still have proprioceptive and vestibular deficits.  They fall a lot, have trouble riding skate boards and bikes, slam into closed doors to seemingly stop, spill stuff, drop stuff, put things away with lids ajar, hug like jellyfish, and clean up like blind-folded raccoons.  Physical life is hard for them and my empathy was not always as high as it is now.

Frankly, I didn’t understand the constant physical mayhem running around me, but I wish I had. If so, I would have participated more fiercely in Occupational Therapy with them.  As it was, I sent them, but didn’t realize I could have contributed to making their lives easier by providing–Wilbarger Brushing Technique (as prescribed), Full Body Deep Pressure Touch, Joint Compression Activities, Interactive Brain Gym Play, Crash and Bump Play Space, Massage, Sensory Engagement, and Rough and Tumble Play.

What are YOU doing every day to help your child integrate and organize the sensory input of living?  It matters more than soccer practice.

The Attach Place Logo
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
The link code was wonky, if you had trouble clicking into the Love Matters Scholarship page this week. I think it is fixed now.
 
The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
 
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th.  
 
Check out our three blogs:
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Attachment Panic

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Attachment panic in our children is painful and scary. It occurs when insecurely attached children are triggered by some kind of deprivation–major or minor, real or perceived–to experience abandonment at the core of their being. When the child feels that core abandonment, s/he goes into survival mode–fight, flight or freeze–because at least once, and often many times in the past, s/he endured the bone chilling fear of eminent death by abandonment.  
What you need to know is that YOU cannot always prevent this kind of triggered panic.  Over time YOU can build in your child a felt sense of safety by creating a safe, sensory-rich environment, being a safe and attuned parent, and helping your child understand that manipulation, excessive control and violence are misguided ways to get connection. It takes a long time to turn this around and heal the wounds. Keep the faith. Healing happens with consistent therapeutic parenting.
Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
 
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th.  It is close to full already, so go to www.attachplace.com to register soon to reserve your space.  
Check out our three blogs:
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Loving Restraint

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This weekend The Attach Place held a small and wonderful Hold Me Tight Workshop for parents like YOU.  A good time was had by all, except one little guy who I ended up restraining.  Yep, you heard it here.  I had to restrain one of the children in child-care who was harming his siblings and himself.  It had been a long time since I held a child “against his will,” which is a terrible feeling.  Sometimes holding is the only way to keep everyone safe.  
 
In that moment I was hurled back in time when restraining my children was a daily event. While I was stroking the forehead of this little boy to soothe him, I was filled with love for him and his parents. Simultaneously, I felt a kind of forgiveness wash over me for the mother I had to be 10 years ago.  
 
We do what we have to do.  Shame is not required.
The Attach Place Logo
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th.  It is close to full already, so go to www.attachplace.com to register soon to reserve your space.  
Check out our three blogs:

 

Start Your Planning

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Parents Really Need Naps

Parents Really Need Naps

Ladies and gentlemen, 

Start your planning.  Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are coming up soon. I challenge YOU to make arrangements for some delicious respite to celebrate being the fabulous parents that you are to the fabulous children that YOU love.
 
Yes, I know you savor those sweet homemade cards, thoughtful though obligatory pink carnations, breakfasts in bed that stay forever stained on the comforter, and gift cards from Sharper Image, but what about some serious alone time at a Day Spa or with your partner somewhere secluded or adventurous, sans children.
 
If Hallmark is going to give us parents two whole days, by all means, let’s take advantage of them. 
Yes you can make it happen, with a lot of planning and a bit of saving.  It just might be worth it.
This year we are sending the darlings away for an adventure with friends while we stay home for adult activities.  That is not costing us a cent. I love that.
 
Will YOU accept the challenge? I hope so.
The Attach Place Logo
Love and Respite Matter,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT