Tag Archives: Parent Self Care

Winged Love Whisperers

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Today, I woke up feeling a well of gratitude for mothers and fathers everywhere who are raising challenged and challenging children.  Woohoo! YOU rock. YOU are awesome. YOU are probably tired.  
 
When I adopted kids, I did it for myself and my own desire to have children I couldn’t conceive otherwise.  I am not particularly a selfish person, but I had purely selfish motives in this case.  I was not thinking about the kids at the time.  I assumed they would be “happy” to have a loving home with loving parents.  I was truly ignorant to the realities of adoption and had no idea of the pain in the hearts of the children, nor the mountains ahead that would need hooks and chisels and ropes and pulleys to scale. Some of the chasms required wings.
 
My eyes were opened pretty darned fast, as I am sure happened in many of your homes, too.  Then what?  For me, and likely for YOU, an incredibly fierce journey of healing hearts without losing my sanity ensued.  I joke around the office that I am earning wings. For some reason that helps me keep my patience, hold on to love, and take the higher road, when everything else is going to hell in a handbasket (whatever that is.)
 
Take your inspiration from anywhere you can.  YOU have my gratitude, love, and appreciation for all that you do, Winged Love Whisperer.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Winged Love Whisperer has a nice ring to it, yes?

True Story

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Picture this: I’m trying to find a little peace while taking my morning constitutional (don’t look it up as it is TMI) in my old-style bathroom built for about .5 people, when my daughter starts blowing up my phone with serial texts begging me to take her trick-or-treating. She’s 19. 
 
Simultaneously, my son starts calling “Mom” from down the hall while marble-mouth-mumbling something earth-shattering about his computer. Three dogs–Chihuahua, Beagle, Black Lab–sit in a stair-step row wagging and staring me down for their morning pupperonis (which, by the way, are not stored in the bathroom) while the cat flops around otter-style in the tub. 
 
Really? It’s 6am on a Tuesday.
 
True story.  Nothing like a life full of attachment challenged creatures–dogs, cats, kids. I am starting to think something is seriously wrong with me.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Everyone deserves a rescue.

Oh Dear Parent

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It’s the middle of the week.  What are YOU doing for yourself today?
 
Some of YOU have this down pat.  Raise your hand if this is YOU.  To YOU, I give maximum applause.  YOU have figured out that the best way to care for your special needs child(ren) is to start with yourself. Bravissimo!
 
If your hand lifted a little, but not all the way:  Good for YOU! YOU are on your way to better parenting through self-care.
 
The rest of YOU, hands still on the keyboard: YOU are not alone.  Many of us have trouble making this paradigm shift. What can I do to encourage YOU?  
 
Okay, here goes.  One question:  Have you lost your patience, temper, sanity with your child in the past week?
 
Yes?
 
Then take a break and do something you haven’t done in a long time that would feel good.  
 
Need ideas?
 
Eat a slice of cake from that bakery you love (Ignore calories today.)
Go to the gym and work out; or don’t work out and soak in the hot tub or steam yourself in the sauna.
Mani/pedi?
New shoes?
Take a scented bath.
Chat with a friend over tea and biscuits.
Take a slow walk in a place without playgrounds.
Eat a PB&J sandwich on a park bench with good people watching opportunities.
Check out a new art or museum installation.
Make your bed, open the windows, and lay naked in the breeze (Am I the only person who loves doing that?)
Read a mindless romance novel or People Magazine will do.
Watch a R-rated movie in the middle of the day.
Make a beautiful, tasty salad for yourself, just the way YOU like it–add lots of kid-hated veggies with grown up dressing.
Clear off your messiest counter top.
Listen to music from the years you most loved music. Turn it up loud. Dance.
Make something, paint something, break something.
Nap.
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU Matter,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 

The best parent is the one with the most rest.  Rest can look a bunch of different ways.  Pick one.

 

 

Tit For Tat Gets YOU Back

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Our children do not cause our poor parenting behavior–yelling,
demanding, demeaning, belittling, overpowering, physicality,
threatening, arguing, meanness, etc.  Those behaviors belong to us
and no amount of attachment challenge child behavior is responsible
for our “low road” reactions.

Because this is true, I have mastered the art of the sincere apology.
I often owe that to both of my children.  Whenever I suggest that
parents owe an apology to their children before expecting their
children to sincerely apologize, I get push back like there is no
tomorrow.

“Absolutely not!” retorted one parent, when I asked if she had
something to apologize for after she wrongly accused her daughter of
something she had actually done herself.  “If she didn’t lie all the
time, I wouldn’t have falsely accused her.”  Okay, but you did
wrongly accuse her, and really you owe her a sincere apology for
wronging her, right?  “No.”  Hmmmm.

If we expect our children to sincerely feel remorse and apologize for
their wrongs, then we have to model it first.  Otherwise, we are
blaming them for our behavior.

Isn’t that what they often infuriatingly do to YOU?

Because Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is
September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/9ba51af5e7/TEST/c0f94646cd .

Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their
own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/9ba51af5e7/TEST/b816f9fd03 .

Tit for tat, gets YOU back.

Did YOU Come From Difficult Beginnings?

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There is a bit of an ironic truth in the therapist community that many therapists came from “difficult beginnings” and end up becoming therapists on the way to fixing themselves.  
 
Similarly, I think, many adoptive parents came from “difficult beginnings,” too. Along the way of self repair, providing a better life to an adopted child from “difficult beginnings” makes sense. Nothing wrong with that.  Actually, it is quite lovely.
 
The problem with both of these realities is that unhealed therapists and parents from difficult beginnings can find themselves in emotional disrepair as they try to be healing forces in the lives of those they care for–client or child.
 
Heal thyself.  
 
I wish I had been given, heal thyself, advice prior to adopting children so I could have done my own deep recovery before I mixed my difficult beginning with that of my children.  The result was a compounded mess of entangled traumatic material bouncing off the walls.  In my house, especially in the beginning, it was hard to say who was the most emotionally dysregulated–me or them.
 
Individuals with early trauma experience symptoms on a continuum  If you answer many of the following questions with a YES, YOU might need support for your own healing.  Plain and simple.  Heal thyself.
 
Y or N  Do you prefer to recharge your batteries by being alone rather than with other people?
Y or N  Did you need glasses at an early age?
Y or N  Do you suffer from environmental sensitivities or multiple allergies?
Y or N  Do you have migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, or fibromyalgia?
Y or N  Did you experience prenatal trauma such as intrauterine surgeries, prematurity with incubation, or traumatic events during gestation?
Y or N  Were there complications at your birth?
Y or N  Were you adopted?
Y or N  Have you had problems maintaining relationships?
Y or N  Do you have difficulty knowing what you are feeling?
Y or N  Would others describe you as more intellectual than emotional?
Y or N  Do you have disdain for people who are emotional?
Y or N  Are you particularly sensitive to cold?
Y or N  Do you often have the feeling that life is overwhelming and you don’t have the energy to deal with it?
Y or N  Do you prefer working in situations that require theoretical skills rather than people skills?
Y or N  Are you troubled by the persistent feeling that you don’t belong?
Y or N  Are you always looking for the “why” of things?
Y or N  Are you uncomfortable in groups or social situations?
Y or N  Does the world seem like a dangerous place to you?
          (Recognizing the Symptoms of Early Trauma by Laurence Heller, Ph.D.)
 
Heal thyself.  No shame.  Only love.
Because Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

YOU Matter.

Veracity Test

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I have the cure for lying.  Yep, I have it.  You are probably wondering why I am not seriously rich then, because all parents want the cure for lying. 
 
Here it is:  Discipline Yourself.  Wha?
 
99% of all child lies are caused by parenting strategies.  I know you don’t want to believe that.  It actually might even take a paradigm shift for you to see it.
 
Through my son’s door at 6:15am I ask, “Are you up?”  
Rustling himself to his feet, he lies, “Yes.”
 
“What happened to the ten dollar bill that was on my dresser?”
My son lies, “I was getting my phone and it accidentally flew off over the back.”
 
“Have you been smoking?”
My son lies, “No.”
 
“Where have you been?”
My daughter lies, “I was just taking a walk around the block.”
 
“Did you do your chores?”
My children both lie, “Yes.”
 
There is a pattern to my parenting strategy above–the veracity test.  I almost always ask questions I know the answer to.  It is an habituated veracity test that my children fail every time.  I am like a moth to the flame. Will I be burned this time? This time? This time.  Eventually, the moth is consumed by the flame and the fire burns on.  Time after time, I am burned. “See I cannot trust you.”  I set the whole thing up.
 
Want to know something?  No child can be trusted 100%.  The part of the brain that governs truthful behavior doesn’t finish developing until the late 20’s.  Our parenting job is to shape the learning of that part of the brain. Unfortunately most parenting strategies inadvertently activate the survival part of the brain that ultimately creates a delay in the maturity of the reason part of the brain.
 
My kids come from difficult beginnings.  Underneath all their bravado, entitlement, and insatiable demands is deprivation, fear, and a felt sense that no one anywhere is safe.  They don’t consciously know this about themselves, but I do.  
 
That’s why the cure for lying is mine to take, not theirs.  I need to discipline myself to skip the veracity tests.  Why ask a fear-based, habitual liar whether they are lying or not?  Why?  The answer will always be a lie.  It has to be. They fear being rejected, in-trouble, unlovable, wrong, deprived, or caught. 
 
Tip:  Start your investigation into problem behavior with adjusted expectations. Expect fear-based lying. Give assurance. 
 
It would sound something like this: “I don’t want to scare you. You are deeply loved and special no matter what.” Give a hug. “You must really have wanted something badly to use money from my purse.  After you think about it for awhile, I would like to brainstorm with you ways to get what you want in a more honest way.”
Do we want to punish or do we want to facilitate learning?  That is the question.

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 

Brains Are Impacted By Adoption

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Daily YOU Time
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Love Matters
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Hello Fellow Parent,

If your child is adopted, his/her brain is NOT the same as a healthy, attached, birth child.  When we ascribe negative intention to our children’s behavior, we are sadly mistaken. Our children have special needs.  They need special dispensation regarding every day activities.  

For example:

When they take forever to get dressed…

When they will not accept your clothing choices…

When screaming is their response to “no…”

When they are charming when other’s say “no…”

When they are withdrawn and negative…

When they are outspoken and attention seeking…

When they are good at getting their way…

When they seem helpless and inadequate at every turn…

When they are controlling…

When they don’t take responsibility…

When they are irrational…

When they are black and white…

When they are clumsy…

When they insist on doing things their own way…

When they are clueless about the needs of others…

When they are self-centered…

When they hoard…

When they break everything they touch…

When they do not share…

When they share everything…

When they would go home with anyone…

When they will not let go of your hand, ever…

When they seem perpetually 2 years old…

When they act 27 years old…

…they need our understanding, compassion, and patience for their brain related specialness.

Love Matters, Ce

8/28/14 Our website is under construction right now, so you cannot get there from anywhere.  In a couple days, you can do the following if you like:
If you would like to receive daily “YOU Time” parent support emails and you have not yet signed up,  click here.
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Give your child compassion in the form of patience and understanding.  You will need to have YOU time to be able to do that.  Get it! You deserve it!  If your child has special needs, so do you.

 

If YOU Knew What I Know

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In response to Dear Desperate yesterday, I heard back from so many of YOU.  Some with Amen Sister! Some with stories of hell being endured across the country by parents just like YOU.  And some from parents who, like me, are mostly on the other side of the daily chaos.
To those of YOU in the thick of it, one day this will calm way, way down.  Try to reign in your fear of all things horrible happening, and take each day as it comes.  Some days will feel like a springtime and others like Tsunamis.  One day after the other, year by year, your children will grow, mature, and begin to take conscious steps on their own.  Our challenged kids learn to live the way a baby learns to walk.  They fall down a lot over the course of their childhoods and teen years. Stuff gets broken. Little by little, with our healing support and the support of the community, they begin to crawl, then walk.  Their gaits are not always steady by the time they reach adulthood, but they fall way less often. And for that YOU will be joyous and feel triumphant beyond your wildest imagination.
To those of YOU out of the thicket and into the sun, embossed Super Parent Under-Armor all around. Wear it proudly beneath your togs. Your lives are like Snoopy Dances to my soul.  If all parents knew what I know about the end game, they would feel more hopeful. I have tons of hope, because YOU tell me your stories and I have one of my own.  Also, I get to be a small part of the journey with many of YOU. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Yep, filled with hope is the way to go.  Hope makes the cobblestones a little less painful under your bare feet as you wind your way through dark valleys and up the steep cliffs to lighter days on the mountaintop.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
  • Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014.  Email for more information:  jennifer@attachplace.com.

The Freedom to Not Know

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YOU are a fabulous human.  How do I know?  I know because YOU are raising a child/children from difficult beginnings and spending every ounce of your life-force doing it.  By definition, YOU are fabulous.  Bask in it.  YOU deserve the pat on the back, the adoration, the gold star, the love, and the gentleness of self-love.
 
I was probably 35-years-old before I had an epiphany that it was okay to say these three words: “I don’t know.” Thank goodness I found that humility in my 30s, because I adopted attachment challenged children in my 40s and I didn’t have a clue what to do. My previous well-constructed life was suddenly turned upside down and I was stunned to find out just how much I didn’t know.
 
If you follow my email blog YOU know I am prone to hyperbole (kind of to entertain YOU and kind of to entertain myself), but in this case I am not exaggerating.  My children came home to me at 2 and 3-years-old and within six-months they were swinging from the proverbial chandeliers and I had no idea what to do. 
 
There was no shame in my not knowing, just as there is no shame in YOU not knowing. It is an imperative that YOU get support from people who “get YOU.”  Other adoptive parents will.  Find a therapist with whom YOU can be real–“I feel like strangling him.” That is a feeling, NOT child abuse.  Actually strangling her IS child abuse.  Wanting to strangle him is reality. Admit it, and it will set YOU free. Find someone to talk to who gets it.  YOU need that to find your way to the other side–determination to be a safe, predictable, loving, and tenacious therapeutic parent.
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
Huge shout out to those of YOU who have given so generously to our Love Matters Scholarship Fund. YOU know who YOU are: Mary, Patti, Sharon, Mike, Ann, Greg, Sarah, Tom. 
 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • This upcoming weekend we are holding our Trust-based Parent Training.   Sign up here.
  • Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014.  Email for more information:  jennifer@attachplace.com.
  • Save the Date: Next Trust-based Parent Training is September 27th and October 4th, 2014.  Email for more information: ce@attachplace.com.
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Earthy Crunchy Granola Mamma

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I feel so Earthy Crunchy Granola Mamma this morning.  I just whipped up a dozen Organic Paleo Vegan Carrot Ginger Muffins for breakfast. They are baking, as I write.  Probably will burn them because I am multi-tasking.  This is a far cry from Donna Reed–now you know how old I am because half of you just said, “Who?”
 
I try really hard not to be a food Nazi, guilting and shaming YOU to death about what you feed your children.  Still, it is worth a shout-out once in a while.  Kids can be picky eaters to start with, so having attachment power struggles over food is one of those “duh” realities. If you clean-up your child’s palate, s/he will be better able to accept and enjoy fresh, healthy, whole foods that will help the nervous system to relax, repair and regulate life better.  
 
Food is a very important regulator of emotion.  Think about a time when you skipped a meal and found yourself anxious, foggy, short-tempered, irritable, touchy, angry, and even hysterical.  The reason for this is simple.  Without your full awareness, hunger sent your mind/body partnership into a cascade of neurochemicals that triggered fight, flight or freeze survival behaviors.
Think of a time when you allowed stress or bus-y-ness to interfere with healthy food choices, so you ate fast food for a few days in a row.  How did you feel?  Some of us are so busy so much that this fast food way of eating is normal, so we may not even notice that we don’t feel very well and it is because of what we are eating, rather than because of “crazy kids, crazy job, crazy partner, etc.”
To top it all off, if you are eating a lot of quick, processed foods at home or out, your taste buds and your child’s taste buds have become habituated to crave high levels of salt and sugar, making the natural sweetness of fruit and the savory flavor of fresh vegetables, grains and proteins, dull and tasteless. Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth about fresh food.  Fresh foods are delicious, but not to a sugar/salt saturated palate.
I know life can seem impossible.  Just surviving the hustle bustle of each day is a miracle of faith and sheer will for many of YOU.  So, take this with a tiny, ironic grain of salt. Slowing down is one of the main ways to make parenting an attachment challenged child doable. Cooking whole fresh foods is a slow process.  It can be part of changing your whole way of engaging life and your children. Invite them into a new world of conscious engagement with food, healthy family life, and delight at the simple things–the jammy sweetness of a fresh summer blackberry, the laughter around a family card game, the joy in racing to the park.  Simple is better in the end.
Mmmmm, those muffins in the oven are starting to smell delicious and done. Nom. Nom.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT