|
|
 |
|
 |
Quick Learner
Leave a reply
Tag Archives: Parent Self Care
No Room For Shame
If YOU feel abundant shame, YOU may inadvertently be abundantly shaming. Many of us were parented with a strong nod to shame to keep us following the golden rules. Sadly, shame IS an effective deterrent to misbehavior for some children–it leaves scares, however.
It was effective with me when I was a kid, sort of. Actually, as I think about it, I just became more sneaky and ate plenty of parent-induced and self-induced shame pie, as a result. Later in life, I came to see that I had internalized all the shaming. Not only did I see my behavior as shameful, but so was I at the core of my being, shameful.
Everything triggered a shame response inside me–tripping on a crack in 
the sidewalk, being complemented, making a mistake, winning awards, being seen, not being seen, laughing too much, being too much, being TOO much. My little children’s attachment challenged behavior caused me to spin in terrible shame spirals–“bad parent” shame. Thankfully, it was my children’s behavior that helped me get over it, too.
Nearly 5 years after I brought my children home, I began to heal and came to a solid understanding (with a lot of therapy of course) that all that shame was unnecessary and that I could keep myself “in line” with love instead. I could help my children find their self-worth with love, too.
Forgiveness, information, help from someone wise, love from others, from a higher power, and from oneself: These are all healing salve to the shame that binds us.
There is absolutely nothing shameful about having an attachment challenged child who has difficulty in life, but sometimes we parents feel ashamed by comparing ourselves and our children to others and only seeing the ways we don’t measure up. There in lies the shame. Self-love heals shame. If YOU have abundant shame, get abundant help. YOU can heal. Your children can heal, too.
Love Matters,
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th. Sign up here.
- Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014. If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
- Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families. YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible. Yay!
Empathy Cools the Jets of Anger
I am intimate with anger, my own. My misunderstanding about the meaning of behavior in the early years of parenting made my blood boil. I really thought my kids’ behavior was purposeful. It “felt” that way to me. Those were only my feelings though, not the facts of the matter. The facts of the matter were more complex and required me to dig deeper into two things: 1) my own history and 2) my children’s history.
Once I realized that the attachment challenge and trauma suffered in my childhood and the attachment challenge and trauma suffered in my children’s early years transformed our normal brains into chemical turbine factories, I had a better way of understanding behavior, which facilitated the growth of my own empathy for myself and for my children.
Empathy significantly cools the jets of anger.
If YOU are too familiar with anger in your relationship with your children, then it makes sense to up your empathy through understanding the impact of attachment and trauma on the brain’s function. In traumatized humans, survival mode is chronic and pervasive. Turns out it isn’t really that hard to understand from the factual side. 
However, when you are swirling in a chemical spiral of emotion, it is pretty hard to see the fear at the center of the tornado.
Behavioral symptoms of a traumatized brain:
Emotional Out-bursting
Controlling
Inflexible Reacting
Demanding
Sneaking
Lying
Stealing
Hoarding
Arguing
Defending
Refusing Responsibility
Resisting Parental Authority
Defying Direction
Running Away
Distracting
Opposing
Freezing
Freezing
Freezing
Fleeing
Fleeing
Fleeing
Fighting
Fighting
Fighting
Fearing
Fearing
Fearing
Up your empathy.
Love Matters,
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- The Trust-based Parenting Course ended last weekend and a good time was had by all, though our back sides are a little sore from all that sitting. Thanks to all of you great parents for your commitment to therapeutic parenting with heart.
- Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th. Sign up here.
- Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014. If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
- Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families. YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible. Yay!
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.
Sharing Info From Kate Oliver, LCSW on Delight
A parent who is also a therapist sent me this link explaining an issue that had been perplexing her about her daughter. She found the discussion very helpful, so I am passing it along to YOU.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- Day one of Trust-based Relational Parent Training. Super great group of parents. Wish YOU were here.
- Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014. If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
- Big HUG and APPRECIATION for the generous scholarship contributions–YOU know who YOU are. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
Work It Out–Lean Toward Love
Having spent the afternoon with my 18-year-old daughter and her 6-month-old baby, I am left pondering many divergent things and am filled with so many emotions–the greatest of which is LOVE. I love that girl, my daughter, and feel a growing attachment with my grand baby. Along with that love and attachment is a deep concern for their obvious challenges ahead. Another child has been born with generational attachment wounds, in spite of my efforts to change the trajectory–more proof I am not in charge of the Universe (as if I needed more). Darn it.
I know this has happened in many of your lives and it is perhaps what many of YOU fear if it hasn’t happened. First of all, it doesn’t happen in all attachment challenged children’s lives. Many grow, and heal, and thrive thanks to your ever present attention to their needs and their own tenacity, resilience, and drive to live. I have had plenty of contact over the years with adults who have worked through their childhood challenges and changed their trajectories. I consider myself in that company.
All in all, both of my children express gratitude and love for the family we have together. They feel loved, and sometimes profoundly wounded by perceived slights. That is part of their journey. One day, some day, down the road a little further, as they continue to heal their hearts, I trust that they will work it all out. That is part of the innate human drive to lean toward love.
Lean toward love.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- Count down to the next Trust-based Relational Parent Training—May 10th and 17th. Very excited. Really enjoy being with parents for these extended time periods. Love it.
- Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partnerspresented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014. If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
- The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.
Falling On My Nose
I fall a lot. Just this week I fell right on my nose. Didn’t break it, so all is well. I fall so often that when I texted my husband about an accident outside the house between a bicyclist and a SUV, he texted back, What hospital are you going to? Huh, wah? It took three texts to clarify to him I wasn’t talking about myself, but rather about a stranger in the front yard (bicyclist hurt her foot, not too serious, for those of you with inquiring minds.)Both of my kids had and still have proprioceptive and vestibular deficits. They fall a lot, have trouble riding skate boards and bikes, slam into closed doors to seemingly stop, spill stuff, drop stuff, put things away with lids ajar, hug like jellyfish, and clean up like blind-folded raccoons. Physical life is hard for them and my empathy was not always as high as it is now.
Frankly, I didn’t understand the constant physical mayhem running around me, but I wish I had. If so, I would have participated more fiercely in Occupational Therapy with them. As it was, I sent them, but didn’t realize I could have contributed to making their lives easier by providing–Wilbarger Brushing Technique (as prescribed), Full Body Deep Pressure Touch, Joint Compression Activities, Interactive Brain Gym Play, Crash and Bump Play Space, Massage, Sensory Engagement, and Rough and Tumble Play.
What are YOU doing every day to help your child integrate and organize the sensory input of living? It matters more than soccer practice.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
The link code was wonky, if you had trouble clicking into the Love Matters Scholarship page this week. I think it is fixed now.
The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
Check out our three blogs:
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.
Loving Restraint
This weekend The Attach Place held a small and wonderful Hold Me Tight Workshop for parents like YOU. A good time was had by all, except one little guy who I ended up restraining. Yep, you heard it here. I had to restrain one of the children in child-care who was harming his siblings and himself. It had been a long time since I held a child “against his will,” which is a terrible feeling. Sometimes holding is the only way to keep everyone safe.
In that moment I was hurled back in time when restraining my children was a daily event. While I was stroking the forehead of this little boy to soothe him, I was filled with love for him and his parents. Simultaneously, I felt a kind of forgiveness wash over me for the mother I had to be 10 years ago.
We do what we have to do. Shame is not required.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th. It is close to full already, so go to www.attachplace.com to register soon to reserve your space.
Check out our three blogs:
Start Your Planning
Parents Really Need Naps
Ladies and gentlemen,
Start your planning. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are coming up soon. I challenge YOU to make arrangements for some delicious respite to celebrate being the fabulous parents that you are to the fabulous children that YOU love.
Yes, I know you savor those sweet homemade cards, thoughtful though obligatory pink carnations, breakfasts in bed that stay forever stained on the comforter, and gift cards from Sharper Image, but what about some serious alone time at a Day Spa or with your partner somewhere secluded or adventurous, sans children.
If Hallmark is going to give us parents two whole days, by all means, let’s take advantage of them.
Yes you can make it happen, with a lot of planning and a bit of saving. It just might be worth it.
This year we are sending the darlings away for an adventure with friends while we stay home for adult activities. That is not costing us a cent. I love that.
Will YOU accept the challenge? I hope so.
Love and Respite Matter,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
PTSD + Attachment Challenge = Complex Developmental Trauma
Children who have been traumatized by maltreatment of neglect, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and/or exposure to various forms of environmental toxins and violence, plus they have been taken from their birth mother in the first few years have Complex Developmental Trauma. YOU or your therapist won’t find that in the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual for diagnosing mental health conditions) because it hasn’t been accepted into that tome yet. There is a long, laborious process to get any new diagnosis into the manual, so it will be years before Complex Developmental Trauma Disorder can be diagnosed officially.
That doesn’t mean that it cannot be known and treated. If your child has been diagnosed with PTSD and has attachment breaches, then very likely Complex Developmental Trauma is a more accurate diagnosis. YOU might ask why that distinction is important. The number one reason is so that your child will get the most effective treatment for what is actually going on.
So many of my young clients have been misdiagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and half diagnosed with PTSD. They have received every kind of intervention under the sun–PCIT, CBT, DBT, Trauma Focus-CBT, hospitalization, stimulant medications, medical restraint medications, various behavioral (stick and carrot) programs, and best buddy supports. There is a place for these interventions, but you can be sure that none of them will be effective without a comprehensive approach that includes sensory interventions, therapeutic environmental interventions, attachment therapy based on relationship and play, narrative therapy that builds a coherent personal story, brain-based therapeutic parenting, parent support and treatment for early trauma, and child trauma therapy to bring down the child’s anxiety that “looks” like ADHD, but isn’t.
Just thought YOU might like to know.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcomingHold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th. It is close to full already, so go to www.attachplace.com to register soon to reserve your space.
Check out our three blogs:
Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Attachment Challenged and Special Needs Children
 |
 |
 |
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 