Tag Archives: Parent Self Love

Complex Trauma

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What the heck is Complex Trauma anyway, sometimes referred to as Complex Developmental Trauma?  That is what most of our kids are experiencing and that you are trying to parent–attachment trauma and maltreatment trauma that interrupts human development and hardwires survival styles.  The styles are varied and overlapping, but fall into a number of ways of dealing with the stressors of life.
 
Unfortunately, one of the ways our kids learn to cope is by cutting off their righteously angry powerless emotions they felt as a child and internalizing them against themselves (“all bad”) or against YOU (“all bad.”)  These split off parts are destructive to the fabric of their identity and can cause a trajectory change for the worse.  YOU may have noticed a flipping back and forth between the all bad self and the all bad other.  That is what I am talking about.  
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • This upcoming weekend we are holding our Trust-based Parent Training.   Sign up here.
  • Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014.  Email for more information:  jennifer@attachplace.com.
  • Save the Date: Next Trust-based Parent Training is September 27th and October 4th, 2014.  Email for more information: ce@attachplace.com.

Hope Is Wind

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Those hot dry summer days when there isn’t a bit of relief, the air is still, oven-like, suffocating our lifeforce, hardly filling our lungs to capacity; those days are like dying only we are still alive–barely. Those days we wait impatiently for a breeze, prayerfully for a high wind, or ragefully for a little wisp of any kind to buoy us up and save us from the hot dry dog days ahead.
 
Hope is wind.  It blows in unexpectedly and disappears without footprints in the middle of the night.  
 
YOU can have faith.  It always comes again.  Until then, let your breath be your wind.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
You can sign up for this daily email distribution at http://www.attachplace.com–Daily YOU Time.

Cell Deep

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I was fumbling for words the other day to explain to a parent why a child who is adopted right at birth can still have attachment challenges.  The words “cell deep” kept coming into my explanation.  Memory is cell deep.  Birth children whose mothers had extreme ambivalence during pregnancy or some other condition that caused them to be emotionally unavailable for some of the nine months can end up with attachment challenges later in life.  This is because, even in utero, there is cell deep memory.
Okay, there are two types of memory:  explicit and implicit.
Explicit memory is what we are usually thinking of when we think of memory.  I remember my trip to Brazil.That is in my conscious memory. (Lying, I have never been to Brazil, but…YOU know…I am entertaining YOU.)
Implicit memory is stored outside our conscious awareness.  While it constantly influences our daily function, we do not recognize it as a memory. I experience this kind of memory more like “who I am.” Implicit memory holds things like recognition of shapes and forms; bodily memory of movement, habits, routines; emotional and relational connections.
Attachment challenges are rooted in the failure of the original infant/caregiver attachment attunement experience which gets stored in implicit memory, outside awareness, but profoundly influencing daily life. Our kids are driven by various ghosts of a mis-attuned, maltreating, abusing, or absent original parent or multiple care-givers.
One of the fundamental reasons “talk therapies” are not helpful for healing attachment trauma is the simple fact that implicit memory is unconscious and nonverbal.  Therapies that help a child/adult find their “felt sense” of fear and safety are more helpful in bringing the unconscious material into the present so it can be understood, soothed, and integrated.
Alrighty then, I’m headed back to my Brazilian vacation memory–completely made up, but richly embedded in my imagination.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 

 

The Gift of Smiling Eyes

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angry womanSometimes the daily shenanigans of raising traumatized, attachment challenged children shows on our faces.  I know it has and still does at times show on mine.  There were periods over the course of raising my children that I actually had to tell myself, inside my head, to smile.

I used to be extroverted and effusive, but I became weary and depressed when the magnitude of adopting traumatized children set in.  Frankly, it hit me like a boulder from the Roadrunner cartoon. When a co-worker was walking toward me down a hall, I had to prompt myself, “Smile, Ce. Look Alive!”  Then I would flash a smile and, as they passed by, my face would reflexively return to its flat, lifeless state.  It took all of my energy every day to smile at people.  At home it was different.  My inside voice was dead silent.  Since I had no internal voice prompting me to be engaging, be alive, I wasn’t and my face showed it.

Swearing boyMy children must have felt as despairing as I did during those times.  In retrospect a lot of their behavior was directly proportionate to my disengagement.  Back then, I just didn’t know what to do to turn things around.  That is why I write this email and send it to YOU every day.  I want YOU to have hope and a few ideas of how to turn things around.

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Eventually, I read enough books on attachment trauma, took anti-depressants, sought therapy, and finally got neurofeedback to find my natural ability to engage, be alive and, yes, smile.  I had to get help, grieve, and recommit to living fully before I could smile again and enjoy my life.

If YOU are under the Roadrunner boulder, take heart.  Things can change, but YOU have to start by getting help for yourself.  Your children will heal, as YOU do.

Kids Fly
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Work It Out–Lean Toward Love

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Having spent the afternoon with my 18-year-old daughter and her 6-month-old baby, I am left pondering many divergent things and am filled with so many emotions–the greatest of which is LOVE.  I love that girl, my daughter, and feel a growing attachment with my grand baby. Along with that love and attachment is a deep concern for their obvious challenges ahead.  Another child has been born with generational attachment wounds, in spite of my efforts to change the trajectory–more proof I am not in charge of the Universe (as if I needed more). Darn it.
 
I know this has happened in many of your lives and it is perhaps what many of YOU fear if it hasn’t happened.  First of all, it doesn’t happen in all attachment challenged children’s lives.  Many grow, and heal, and thrive thanks to your ever present attention to their needs and their own tenacity, resilience, and drive to live. I have had plenty of contact over the years with adults who have worked through their childhood challenges and changed their trajectories.  I consider myself in that company.
 
All in all, both of my children express gratitude and love for the family we have together.  They feel loved, and sometimes profoundly wounded by perceived slights.  That is part of their journey.  One day, some day, down the road a little further, as they continue to heal their hearts, I trust that they will work it all out. That is part of the innate human drive to lean toward love.
 
Lean toward love.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • Count down to the next Trust-based Relational Parent Training—May 10th and 17th.  Very excited. Really enjoy being with parents for these extended time periods.  Love it.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partnerspresented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund.
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Start Your Planning

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Parents Really Need Naps

Parents Really Need Naps

Ladies and gentlemen, 

Start your planning.  Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are coming up soon. I challenge YOU to make arrangements for some delicious respite to celebrate being the fabulous parents that you are to the fabulous children that YOU love.
 
Yes, I know you savor those sweet homemade cards, thoughtful though obligatory pink carnations, breakfasts in bed that stay forever stained on the comforter, and gift cards from Sharper Image, but what about some serious alone time at a Day Spa or with your partner somewhere secluded or adventurous, sans children.
 
If Hallmark is going to give us parents two whole days, by all means, let’s take advantage of them. 
Yes you can make it happen, with a lot of planning and a bit of saving.  It just might be worth it.
This year we are sending the darlings away for an adventure with friends while we stay home for adult activities.  That is not costing us a cent. I love that.
 
Will YOU accept the challenge? I hope so.
The Attach Place Logo
Love and Respite Matter,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 

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Our children have a story they tell themselves.  Do you know what your child’s internal story is?  You might hear it leaking out in times of emotional upheaval:  Nobody likes me.  I never get what I want. It’s too hard.  I can’t. You don’t love me.  I don’t love anybody.  I hate myself.  I hate everyone.  I can do it without anyone’s help. I don’t need you.  I don’t need love.  I hate love.
 
Having a coherent narrative is one of the keys to mental health. Whenever you can, tell your child the story you want them to tell themselves inside. YOU don’t need to make anything up.  Your child is precious, loved, planned, wanted, adored, valued, appreciated, and special.  Make sure you say these things all the time–10,000 times to make a new neuro-pathway.  
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Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 

Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Attachment Challenged and Special Needs Children

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Weekend
April 25, 2014   6pm to 9pm
April 26, 2014  10am to 4pm
April 27, 2014  10am to 1pm
Hold Me Tight
Weekend Workshop for Couples with Adopted and Special Needs Children
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The Hold Me Tight Workshop is designed to give you a weekend away to connect with your spouse. This workshop will not teach you useless things; it will give you an opportunity to fully engage the deep, loving connection you desire in your relationship with your partner.

• Address stuck patterns and negative cycles

• Make sense of your own emotions

• Overcome loneliness

• Repair and forgive emotional and physical disconnection

• Communicate to develop deeper understanding and closeness

You will strengthen your bond through private exercises with your partner, didactic experiences, and video demonstrations of couples that have moved from distress to that longed for deep, intimate connection.   This workshop takes place in the safe environment of experienced attachment specialists and other parents experiencing similar attachment pushes and pulls in their lives because of the demands of healing the broken hearts and emotional difficulties of children from difficult biological beginnings, maltreatment, abuse and attachment breaches.  YOU will be “seen” here and your struggles will be understood.
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Hello Ce,
This attachment focused couples workshop is brought to you at a 50% reduced rate by The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships. We believe that you, your relationship, and your love matter.  The stronger your relationship, the better able YOU will be to whether the slings and arrows of raising children from difficult beginnings. The Attach Place Logo 2

This workshop is especially designed with YOU in mind. To that end, we are dedicated to providing creative financing to make this opportunity possible for you and child care options.
Who:                YOU and Your Partner
When:                6pm to 9pm April 25, 2014
10am to 4pm April 26, 2014
10am to 1pm – April 27, 2014
Cost:                $300.00
Child Care:       $5 per hour per child

Snacks Provided and Local Restaurant List for Lunch Options.

Reserve your place by RSVPing to: info@attachplace.com

If you can carve out time for yourselves on a weekend, we promise that you will have valuable experiences to help you strengthening the safety, connection, and bond in your relationship.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT, Jennifer Olden, LMFT, Robin Blair, MFTI,
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

This Is Controversial

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YOU are so important to the life of your attachment challenged, special needs child.  Get respite, regulation and relief.  If you think you can white knuckle it, YOU are mistaken.  In the end, your child will suffer.  I keep saying this and still some of YOU are not doing it.  Get the help you need, now, before your child is too frozen-over to heal.
 
I know it is hard to do.  I know it costs too much.  I know you don’t have the time.  I know how desperate you are. And, I know you need help.  Don’t be too proud, too hurt, too tough to let someone help you do this.  It is near impossible to parent attachment challenged children without support.  YOU are not alone, unless YOU choose to be.

The Attach Place Logo

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Next Trust-based Relational Parent Training is scheduled for May 10th and 17th.  It is close to full already, so go to www.attachplace.com to register soon to reserve your space.  Each group has only 16 spaces.  Ready, set, go.
 
Get more information and reserve your spot for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.
Check out our three blogs:

 

Child Whisperers All

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Yesterday, I sent YOU an email about being called a Parent Whisperer. It occurred to me just after I pushed the send button that I am often asking YOU to be Child Whisperers. Our kids buck and kick and rear-up like wild, saddle-shy horses, not cute little puppies licking you to death for attention. Parenting your child is a delicate dance that only YOU can do. You are going to get kicked along the way, but there will be a calm that comes over your home down the road once your bucking bronco learns to trust YOU.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU are earning your moniker every day–Child Whisperer.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com