Tag Archives: parenting attachment challenged children

Impressionable Minds

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Most children are impressionable.  Many remain that way into their teen years.  Our attachment challenged, trauma imprinted children, long after the wounds of attachment seem healed, continue to be gullible, swayable and highly prone to following another’s lead. Some of our children can manage to follow another while looking like they are leading.
The problem with being a follower is that children with compromised regulatory systems do not have well-developed executive function parts of the brain, so they go along with things they really wouldn’t if they had half a chance to think it through.
We need to supervise most of our children long into adulthood. That is a fact. On their own they make decisions with little thought, though they think they have given these ideas lots of thought. It is hard to provide supervision without humiliating or undermining the confidence of the budding adult poking up from the soil of their difficult childhoods. 
 
Recently one of my adult children decided that having a sex change was a real option. I can thank Caitlyn Jenner for taking the public lead on this.  While I have no problem whatsoever with transgender people or with Caitlyn Jenner, the pronouncement was a surprise, you might say.
 
Child:  Mom, I have made a decision. I have been thinking about this a lot and I’m nervous about telling you.  Umm, you know what I am going to say, right?
 
Me:  Not really, no.  Give me a hint.
 
Child:  You know how I act?  Umm, uh, umm, so I want to have a sex change so I fit more how I am.
 
Me:  Mastering the fine art of nonchalance, Okay.  Well have you researched it?
 
Child:  Yes, and I really have thought about this for a long time.  I even talked about it with my friend’s moms already. 
 
Me:  Still so very calm in close to the tone of saying I am making you a bologna sandwich, Oh you did? Okay. I am glad you are telling me, too.  It is okay with me, but I want you to do one thing first, which will be required before a sex change anyway.  Go online and look up transgender groups at the GLBTQ office.  There is one for people just like you who are researching gender reassignment–that’s what it’s called, I think–that meets right down the street. That is the first step.
 
Child:  While jumping up and shouting back, Okay, I’ll do that.
 
Two days later.
 
Child:  I’ve made a decision Mom.
 
Me:  About what?  
 
Child:  You know.
 
Me:  Hint?  Oops, bad Mommy, I should have remembered.
 
Child:  I am not going to get a gender change.
 
Me:  While continuing to brown the meatballs, Oh? You are not going to go to the group first before deciding?
 
Child:  No, I looked it up and saw how painful the whole thing is, so I made a different decision.
 
Me:  Okay, thanks for letting me know.
 
Child:  Yeah, I also looked up Kendo classes and I found one I want to take.  Do you have a minute to look at it?
 
Me:  Secret wry smile, Sure.
Transgender group. Kendo group. Either one works.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30pm. Join us.  Online RSVP each month required especially if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

It’s a good thing to have a sense of humor 
or your life might seem down right scary.

High Road Parenting

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High road parenting requires skills.  What are those?

  1. Ability to acknowledge your own feelings.
  2. Keeping the big picture in the foreground at all times–your child is developmentally delayed due to trauma.
  3. Facility with regulation techniques for yourself and your child.
  4. Patience to wait until your child is regulated before speaking.
  5. Patience to wait until you are regulated before speaking.
  6. Knowledge of therapeutic parenting practices.
  7. Consciously accessing respite, rest and relaxation on a regular basis.
  8. Willingness to forgive yourself when you drive off the high road into a ditch.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is Octorber 14th at a NEW time–5:30pm.Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required especially if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When you fall off the high road into a ditch, take your foot off of the gas.

See the Light

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Got phished and spent every free moment Thursday and Friday restoring my passwords and opening new bank accounts.   Missed Friday’s letter to YOU.  
 
I don’t think Dr. Wayne Dyer ever raised attachment challenged, traumatized children, but he could have done a great job if he lived by his own words:
 
See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see.
Give this a shot today.  Start by seeing the light in yourself first; then, move right along to your challenging child.  See if it makes a difference in your feelings and the behavior of your child.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Everyone has a light inside.  It is our blessing to see it.

On Being Mean

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Parents are human, and sometimes humans are mean.  In the same way we would look underneath the behavior of our children for the cause, the root, or the trigger that fueled the negative reaction, parents need to do the same thing for themselves.
 
Instead of feeling guilt, shame or like a bad parent, find the root of your upset.  Only then, will you be able to make a change.
 
Example: 
The kids are begging you for a trip to the park.  You are busy with other things, but you decide to squeeze it in for them.  On the way to the park, they hit each other, run ahead, lag behind and make the walk to the park unfun and frustrating.  Halfway to the park, you get exasperated, pull up short, and say very calmly or maybe very loudly, “That’s it, no park!”  You turn on a dime and walk home with the children refusing, resisting, and shouting mean things at you about being a mean mommy.  You tell them and yourself that it is the consequence for their unruly behavior on the way to the park.
 
On the face of this it makes sense.  Not getting that thing they want is a natural consequence of poor behavior.  It just doesn’t work for what you are trying to get from them–better behavior.  Their stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline) likely shot to the top of their brains blocking the meaning of the consequence. The way the consequence got dished out was mean because of the voice tone, the frustration, the punitive way the park was taken away.
 
I am not telling you to reward poor behavior.  I am trying to get you to see the delivery process of the consequence can be relationship damaging or relationship growing.  What was going to be a fun, nice mommy gift to your children, is now a punitive, mean mommy relationship sting to the relationship.  Your unmet needs and feelings can lead to behavior on your part that you regret and that your children fear.
 
Alternatives:
Squeezing in a child activity is not a great idea.  You will feel pressured, stressed, and less tolerant of the usual child behaviors. That often causes dysregulated, mean behavior.
Instead of getting frustrated on the way to the park because of unruly behavior, tell yourself the truth: your children are excited and unable to maintain the rules on the walk because of their dysregulation.  
 
Create structure before you set out.  
  • We are going to the park for a short playtime.  This is what needs to happen for us to get the most time playing when we get there.
  • On the way, everyone is going to walk together on the sidewalk. No running ahead.
  • Body space and listening ears on the way. Got it?
  • What did I say?
 
On the way, when one child gets away from the expected behavior, you STOP and say, “What needs to happen for us to get to play at the park? “When you do that, it is not keeping body space. Let’s try again”. 
You may stop 6 times on the way to the park for one child or the other.  That’s okay and that is why you cannot squeeze anything in. Time for training is required. Soon enough the children will get that play in the park is shorter when the walk is longer due to stops for training. YOU don’t need to tell them that.  They will experience it on their own. Let them.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Squeezing your kids into a too tight schedule will pinch your own mean behavior right out of you.

Be Careful With The Healing Heart of Your Child

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When our hurting children start to heal and they have a streak of positive behavior, beware.  YOU and your child are in very different places. 
 
Our children are not able to use “meta-mind” to step outside themselves and look back at how they are behaving. They may be seeing themselves as “doing good,” rather than “doing bad.”  They may be feeling safer, but their trauma is lurking right there below the surface.
 
Parents may be waiting for the next shoe to drop, as it were. While others may feel relief when there is a break from the shenanigans. That relief may trigger YOU to take a vacation from therapeutic parenting.
However YOU feel, be careful with your child’s healing heart. This is not the time to start traditional parenting, leaving your child to self-soothe,  using consequences, stop engaging.  Actually, this is the time to step it up.  Be even more engaging, more attentive, more available. Reward your child’s positive shift with the gift of more, not less.
Your child’s brain is better attuned to taking your therapeutic efforts in during times of peace.  If you go back to traditional parenting because you think your child doesn’t need it so much now, you will be unconsciously drawing your child into shenanigan behavior to get the therapeutic goodness back.
Make a commitment to be a therapeutic parent for a lifetime.  First of all, it is the most loving way for parents to be for any child. Secondly, traumatized children will always need you to be careful with their healing hearts–that means in good times, and during the emotional shenanigan times.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Be careful with the healing heart of your child.

Mea Culpa

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My blogs have been irregular for the past few weeks.  Mea culpa, I am sick with a common cold and in a work/bed/work/bed cycle. How a cold can take me down when my kids cannot is a mystery to me.  It is what it is.  Still, I am sorry to be hit and miss with YOU. Hope the rest of this makes sense.  My head is a big red balloon.
 
Recently I read a quote by Bryan Stevenson that struck a chord. “Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.” When I was a child it felt like my torso was really an ever expanding bucket filling up with shame.  Only recently, one of my colleagues helped me expel through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a trauma reduction therapy) the last drop of childhood shame from the bottom of that bucket.  Free at last.
 
My parents used shame freely.  They never realized their message was distorted inside of me.  I learned that I was shameful; the functions of my body were shameful; my human desires were shameful; and, my childhood lack of self-restraint was shameful. That didn’t leave much to feel good about except being smart and pleasing my parents, which I found I had a hard time wanting to do. I was an attachment challenged child raised with traditional parenting strategies–plenty of shame, smarting smacks across the face and butt, angry punishments, and a lot of disapproval.
 
As you blog readers know, I wielded my own traditional parenting at my children when I first adopted them.  I still grieve my ignorance.  
 
In my bones I have  known my troubled children were more than the worst things they had done (something my husband had trouble grasping.)  In my opinion this is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent: forgive your children every day for the worst things that they did yesterday. Your children are more than the worst things they have done, and your forgiveness will allow YOU to parent them with the end in mind, rather than from the troubled place you find them at any given moment. 
A question for YOU to ponder:  if my parents had known I was going to grow up into the person I am, do you think they would have spared the shame and bathed their child instead in love and acceptance?  I know for a fact carrying that shame bucket did not make me the person I am today.  I am who I am despite the heavy weight of it.
What kind of parenting does your hurting child deserve?
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins in October.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Shame and love are mutually exclusive.

Let The Super Sleuthing Begin

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What YOU can know for sure is that your child is from difficult beginnings.  Adoption alone makes this so.  The question I have for you is this: Are YOU from difficult beginnings, too?
 
I am writing a little book for adoptive parents that is requiring me to produce a biography. It is no secret to readers of this blog that I come from difficult beginnings, right?  Wow, do I ever.  Writing this bio has brought that fact sharply into focus.  Holy-mole, no wonder I struggled with regulation.
 
I challenge YOU to write a narrative, like a bio for your own book, about your early childhood through early adulthood.  You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself.
 
Here are ONLY a few things to consider:
  • Your genetic load from grandparents and parents–mental health, substance abuse, intellectual capacity, and physical health (we inherit a bunch)
  • Your parents’ situation at your conception (yep, conception matters)
  • Your parents were adopted or abused in early childhood.
  • External and Internal  condition of your mother when YOU were in utero–poverty, violence, stressors, trauma, unwanted pregnancy, unwed, unhappy, too young, ill-prepared, unsupported, underfed, unaware, unhealthy, physical illness, mental health issues, anxiety, depression, despair, grief, fear, shame
  • Pregnancy health–diabetes, pre-eclampsia, bed-ridden, hospitalized, operated on in utero
  • Labor/Birth–breach birth, complications, prematurity, NICU stay, emergency measures, loss of parent in childbirth, trauma, removed from mother by adoption plan
  • Adoption trauma at birth or in the first two years
  • Adoption trauma after the first two years
  • Maltreatment, neglect, physical, emotional or sexual abuse
  • Parental mental health problems
  • Single parent
  • Divorce of parents in first two years
  • Divorce of parents
  • Death of parent(s)
  • Death of siblings
  • Multiple babies
  • Large family
  • Caregiving transferred to others
  • Global crisis
Believe me, the list goes on and on.  All of these things impact your experience, your window of emotional tolerance, and your ability to regulate in times of stress.
 
So, when you are wondering why you get so dysregulated in the presence of your child’s attachment challenged shenanigans your bio will give you the information you need to understand.  A coherent narrative about your childhood is the very first step in changing the dysregulation in your home while you raise your own regulation-challenged child.
 
Be a Super Sleuth about your own life for a change.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins in October.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Let the Super Sleuthing begin.

Quizzing Is Not Talking

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Quizzing is not the same thing as talking with children/teens.
 
How was school?
Fine.
Do you have homework?
No. It’s finished.
What did you learn today?
Nothing.
Talk to any friends?
Yeah.
Anything happen of interest?
No.
Why don’t you ever want to talk to me?
I do.
But you don’t. Why don’t you?
I don’t know.
Try a few of these:
 
  • I saw this funny thing on You Tube today I want to show you.  Watch.
  • I made this video of Rough and Tumble today. So cute. Look.
  • I heard you tell Joe you made an 3D intro to your channel.  I want to see it.
  • I’m thinking about things to do next weekend.  Help me find something fun to do.
  • Here are three recipes I’m thinking about for dinner tomorrow when your friend is over.  What would be the most yummy for you guys? 
  • Which do you like better potato chips, french fries or potato salad for the BBQ tomorrow?
  • Hey, I’m picking up Gatorade today.  Which flavors are your favorites? Blue?  What flavor is Blue anyway?
  • Try this chocolate chip cookie.  How does it rate in your world of perfect chocolate chip cookies?
  • Which band boy are you liking on right now?  Let me see a picture.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins August 22nd and August 29th, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Maybe you could care less about You Tube videos.  
You can bet your child cares more.

Dysregulation Is An Human Condition

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When I was in school, I learned that a becomes an when put in front of an h.  Is that a thing still?   Dysregulation Is An Human Condition (today’s title) just doesn’t sound right, but a or an aside, dysregulation in traumatized humans is still a thing.
 
I was working with an almost 18-year-old attachment challenged, formerly maltreated, boy yesterday and I realized that his very, very, nice demeanor was really a dysregulated state.  Shabam! Nearly got by me. 
 
He was here for one chronic misbehavior; otherwise, he wouldn’t be back here, as he graduated from my care nearly 6 years ago.  I did two sessions of cognitive behavioral conversation with him and assessed for deeper attachment challenged reasons for his misbehavior, when suddenly a revelation.  He sweetly (not oppositionally) says, “I don’t know” to nearly everything I ask, as though he knows nothing about himself.  After some serious digging, he was able to say that he is nice and smart, maybe.  
 
Turns out he has a dysregulation “tell.”  When he gets a rise in cortisol (stress hormone from dysregulation) his face does not change one tiny perceptible degree and his body stays relaxed looking and still; although, he does become even nicer and seemingly more empty saying, “I don’t know” to unpredictable questions.
 
Now that I know his “tell,” I can help him begin to notice how he is on the inside.  Before, it just seemed like there was no there there, which is never true. Once he begins to notice his own dysregulation, the odds quadruple for changing that one chronic misbehavior of his from the inside out.
 
Do you have a chronically nice child from difficult beginnings? Investigate her tell.  Explore her inner landscape for hidden dysregulation that is keeping your child’s personality from blossoming or holding a few negative behaviors frustratingly static. 
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins August 22nd and August 29th, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Our kids need help knowing what is happening to them emotionally on the inside, so they have a better chance of making thoughtful decisions and good choices on the outside. 

Play Deficits

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Yesterday, I made my two adult teenagers (both formerly diagnosed with a zillion things including RAD and maltreatment) to leave the house. They had been indoors on some form of electronic device in separate rooms for three days.  I am not kidding you.  I only saw either of them when they came out to barely eat and even then they brought some kind of electronic device to the kitchen or table. 
 
It took them about two hours to finally leave, and they were back within 20 minutes.  We live in a very lively downtown area with sidewalk sales, people dining and conversating on every corner, and lots of bustling activity of every kind. Personally, that is why I live here.  I enjoy wondering around with curiosity, as there is never a dull moment.  That’s me.
 
If your child came from difficult beginnings and had a hard time figuring out how to play when very young, you can bet there will be trouble figuring out how to be entertained in the later years.  Electronics are the super easy go-to for our kids because all the action, bells and whistles are built in. There is an obvious reason to play those games–to get from here to there, win a sword, kill the enemies, build a town, or raise the score. 
 
Oh, our kids can get into plenty of mischief following peers’ shenanigans out in the world all right. They can even entertain themselves by burning down the house playing with matches in their closets, but they have trouble figuring out how to enjoy the mysteries of life, be curious about the ordinary or the miraculous, and engaging the world naturally for no reason except because they live.  
 
Frankly, both of my kids would have appreciated my taking the walk with them.  They love for me to walk the dogs with them.  Their trips to McDonalds are more fun when I come along.  That is because they have figured out how to use my brain to entertain them.   Yesterday, I was in bed recovering from a nasty summer cold, so I wasn’t up for it.  
 
The very best thing YOU can do for your child of any age is to teach them how to play by playing, and actually bring to their attention how to observe and be curious.  Observation and curiosity have to be tenaciously taught to our children not through telling (Go out and be curious! my fallback mode,) but rather by actively engaging them with their world. If they internalize these processes when young, they will be curious and engaged for a lifetime.  If they don’t, they will be bored stiff without their electronic brains in hand.
 
I wish I had understood the difference between engaging and telling when my kids were young.  They are paying for my ignorance now.  I am desperately hoping YOU can learn from my mistakes, or I wouldn’t be telling you this.  The engaging is up to you.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is September 9th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required only if you need child care.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins August 22nd and August 29th, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Curious sounds like:  Look at that bird singing in the tree. I wonder what it is singing about right now?  What do you think the words would be?  Let’s sing some words to its song.