Tag Archives: parenting attachment challenged children

The Great ChildCare Hunt

I am really empathizing with those of you who cannot keep a good child care worker in your homes to spell you from the demands of therapeutic parenting. 

 

I had this problem early on when my kids were little, hanging from the chandeliers, but finally found the best thing ever, my adult step son, to take the job for 8 or so years.  Can you believe that?  Every weekday and some weekends for eight years!  When I look back on it, I owe my sanity to that young man who nearly lost his own some days while backed into a corner at knifepoint.  True story. He never quit.  He did not quit me or them.  I have the biggest appreciation for him.  Words cannot cover it.

 

As of late, it has been hard for me to keep a child care worker for our parent training events and our monthly parent support nights.  I keep peeling them off one by one.  There is no shortage of people willing to try; however, there is a limited supply of willingness to come back.  I know many of you know this story.

 

Today, I am on my umpteenth round of solicitations on Care.com. I’m glad I have that resource.  Overnight I have a new crop of bright-eyed helpers in my inbox thinking they have what it takes to step into your shoes for a few hours once in a while.  I hope this let’s YOU know that raising attachment challenged children is nothing like raising attached children.  Nothing–no matter what well meaning people say, All kids are like that, and such.  

No, no they aren’t.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is July 8th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 9am to 5pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

 Hire someone with a special needs background, pay them what they are worth to you, and send them to a Trust Based Parenting Training.  I spent a lot of money on childcare over the years.  It was well worth it for the respite.

Be The Leader Not The Director

I have a sweet friend, Grish, who raised a great son who also happens to have Autism.  He is graduating from UC Davis on Saturday.  Isn’t that cool?

Okay, I am mentioning this because I am proud of him and of her forever loving support of him.  I also want to share something she taught me about how she handled his incessant, self-focused talking. She taught him she could hear about four sentences on a topic before she stopped being able to hear at all.

Lightbulb!  I had never thought of that before that day.  I could just teach my children to stop after four sentences.  That turned out significantly harder than it sounds, of course. Isn’t everything?

My kids both get it now though.  They talk enough to share and not too much to make me start to pull my hair out.  It took about a year to drive it home, but it was worth it.  

I love it that my kids both still want to talk to me, share with me, get my ideas on things, etc.  I also really love that I can stop them now after a few minutes without hurting their feelings.   As a matter of fact, when their eyes glaze over when I am talking to them we can joke about my having over-reached my four sentences.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is July 8th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 9am to 5pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When they talk, listen.  Just be sure to take care of yourself by limiting the amount of talk your ears can tolerate.

Freud Is Not My Friend

All weekend I cogitated, marinated, stewed on letting go of everything, only I did it Freudian style, unconsciously.  Without realizing it, I set about divorcing everything that I love.  Started with trying to pull the plug on my sweetheart of a husband, moved on to my children, cut off a colleague, Dear John lettered another, and finished with a vicious hostile divorce nightmare (during a precious, coveted nap, no less.)  

Then, I got confronted (thank you “thera-friendies” all around me) and realized this was all about grief.  I am scheduled to put my best doggie friend of 12 years down on Monday and the grief is unbearable.  Unconsciously, I started cutting my ties so I would never have to feel this horrible heartache again–EVER.  You know, getting all the grief of a lifetime over in one week.  That’s possible, right?

I think my unconscious self is about 6 years-old, full of magical thinking and a desperate desire for chocolate.  The crying around here has been akin to a marathon meltdown–this time it’s all me.

I’m telling you this because unrecognized, unidentified, denied, repressed or ignored grief about the reality of your life since bringing kids home may leak out in other ways.  Grieve what is right in front of you or you might do things you regret Freudian style.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The loss of a dream is painful.  It’s okay to grieve, as it does not negate the decision you made to love your children.
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 9am to 5pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

The loss of a dream is painful.  It’s okay to grieve, as it does not negate the decision you made to love your children.

Pain In Adoption

My daughter gets regular check-ins with CPS workers because her baby is so sick and, understandably, the hospital staff thought it was possibly due to neglect. Thankfully it wasn’t, but CPS stayed on.  
 
Eventually CPS actually took her baby, my grandbaby. My daughter was grief stricken and I was…mixed about it all.  
 
In the middle of last night (the only time she thinks she should talk to me) my daughter texted me that she was dreading going to court against CPS.  I responded that I remember that feeling very well.
 
“CPS was called on you, Mom.  YOU never did anything.”
 
I am forever amazed at how little either of my children remember about the vast shenanigans that occurred in our home throughout their childhood years.  
 
CPS opened cases on me three or four times–false abuse allegations, being on the run, living on the river, living with strangers, pregnant minor, etc. Every one of them scared me to death. I know this has happened to many of YOU.  And I know many of you live in fear of this.  Some of you have lost your homes, gone bankrupt defending yourself, lost family and friends, and had children taken away because of CPS allegations.  
 
Oh, the stress and grief of it all.
 
Now that I am on the other side of CPS’ grip the PTSD has mostly faded and I am thinking about what I could have done differently during the “crazy” years.
 
1.  I could have parented with more understanding and less control. This might have saved me from some threats at the point of a butcher knife. 
 
2.  I could have “seen” my children as individuals separate from me, and attended to their life experience more.  I never allowed wild, revealing clothes, colored hair, outrageous talk… But I wasn’t doing it either, so what was the big deal? 
 
3.  I could have found more ways to soothe my own pain and fear, so I wasn’t so reactive.
 
4.  I could have joined with others more for support–online or in local groups with others going through the same thing with their attachment challenged children.  I didn’t think I needed all that.  Who was I kidding?
 
5.  I could have insisted on respite for myself more (though I have to say I did a pretty good job of this.)
 
6.  I could have shared my fear with CPS workers more, instead of being fearfully defensive. Yelling, You don’t get it! in the face of a CPS worker was probably not that helpful.
 
Hindsight, I know.  Some folks often feel I am hard on myself when I talk about what I could have done differently. That is not my intention.  I am pretty forgiving of myself, as I truly know that I did the best I could at the time.  I am simply hopeful my musings on the past can help YOU in the present (especially, if you are in the midst of the crazy years.)  
 
I know this in my bones: Our kids get better if we hang in there and give ourselves the benefit of everything we can find to support our herculean efforts.

Re-Do Time

Okay, re-do. That is one of the first levels of correction we can use with our children if–and it is a big IF–we can be playful, sweet, and respectful.  Remember, corrections are intended to help our children learn to be family kids, not punishments for not innately knowing how to do it despite our repeated corrections.  

Here are some examples for the playfully challenged, which I am known to be sometimes.  How about YOU?

Your child demands a snack.
Hey sweetie pie will you ask again kindly please?

Your child barges into the room banging the walls with a band instrument, knocking down a picture frame, and creating an unnecessary ruckus.
Holy Mole Guacamole, whoa, take a second handsome and try that entry again. Yes, I mean it.  I know you can do it like a kid instead of Godzilla.

Your child is snarky when you tell him to take out the trash.
Uh-oh, I said that without thinking. Sorry honey. What I meant to say was, In the next few minutes please take the trash out, so I can get going on dinner.  What do you say?

Your child gives you attitude.
Whoa, we are working on this kindness thing, right?  Will you show me some love in your voice and say it again please?
No! I won’t!
Something must be wrong. Can I help you with something?
No!
Okay, we can talk again later when we can do it with kindness. I’ll be right here.

Remember, corrections are not punishments. Try it again with kindness applies to us parents, too.  Punishment does not teach our children anything, except that we are bigger and can be meaner.  When they get bigger, imagine what they will do with that learning. Give what you want to get.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 10 to 4pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Parents need re-dos sometimes, too.

Thank Your Lucky Stars

If your traumatized, attachment challenged child is pooping in the corners of your dining room while you are cooking dinner, this post is NOT really for YOU.  Everyone else, cross yourself, count your blessings, kiss your rosary, say a little prayer, give a little nod to the Universe, thank your lucky stars for how blessed YOU are because your child is not pooping in the corners of your dining room.
 
On second thought: Call me if you are cleaning up poop right now.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 10 to 4pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

I’m serious.  YOU can call me.

Side-By-Side

Whew, having two attachment challenged adult children in the house is fun, just like having two 12-year-olds on a mixture of Crack and Downers.  When our kids turn 18 they are adults, right? Not quite, they just think they are.  Still, for their sense of well-being it is important for me to support them in managing their new found freedom.  It is a lot like pushing two boulders up a hill while having the appearance of walking side-by-side.  Very tricky.  I could get smashed.
You are living here more independently now, so you have to take responsibility for your stuff, dishes, visits with friends, and money, I say encouragingly.  Lots of head bobbing and excitement when I say this, because both of them only heard four words–visits with friends and money. Everything that came before, poof, like magic never happened.
When I came home from work yesterday at 7:30pm to a sink full–and I mean FULL–with dishes, my son says, “Mom, don’t worry, I’m going to do these.”  Cool–he is showing a sense of noticing, accepting responsibility, and providing assurance.
This morning when I woke up, the sink was FULL and spilling over onto both sides of the counters. Running out the door, my son yells, “Mom, I’m going to do those when I get home. Don’t worry.”  Apparently he thinks I worry about dishes a lot.
About this time my other budding adult shuffles in wearing neon pink ear-muff-like headphones and matching fuzzy jammie shorts with “Bunny Butt” printed in large white letters across, you know.  She is getting more food in more dishes that I know she will put somewhere, maybe the floor.  I say, It’s  pretty messy in here, to which she responds in a near inaudible, distracted whisper, “Yeah,” then wonders out slurping milk from the bowl.
This is going to be interesting.  The good new is my lid is firmly affixed with Super Brain Glue, so there will be no flipping it, right?  Right.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  over the weekend.  Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday.  Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Very tricky balance of structure and nurture for our 
budding adults.
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When YOU Are Abused

Traumatized children can be quite abusive to YOU and other children in your family.  This is one of the more disturbing realities of adopting children who have been abused, neglected and abandoned.  They often live on high alert in a dysregulated state, so it doesn’t take much for them to go from zero to 60.  If you are in the way, YOU will get hurt.
 
Prepare yourself for the truth that it requires a certain amount of emotional and physical engagement to raise a hurt child.  YOU will likely get punched, kicked, bitten, spat upon, and yelled at.  YOU may get this on a regular basis while you are trying to create a sense of felt safety for this very same child.  It will dysregulate you, scare you, and at some point it may cause you secondary trauma akin to posttraumatic stress.
 
It is up to YOU to decide when you cannot maintain a consistently safe home for your child. I know you are getting all the help that is available to you.  If you hit that wall, you do.  No shame.  There are limits to a parent’s ability to hold the stress, emotional duress, and physical insults of trauma re-enactment.  YOU decide when enough is enough.  It is not your therapist, your doctor, your mother or best friend’s decision.  It is solely up to you and it is okay to decide that your beautiful child needs a higher level of care than you can provide at home.
 
That decision will break your heart (I know all too well), but it may just save your relationship with your child (which I also know quite well).  That is the ultimate goal–get your child consistent, patient, informed, and safe treatment for the trauma that cannot be addressed at home.  That does not make you a bad parent.  It makes you a traumatized parent who needs help to help your child. Once again, no shame.  There are limits to everyone’s capacity.  If you hit yours, do yourself, your child and your family a favor and get a higher level of trauma intervention outside your home.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  over the weekend.  Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday.  Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

There is a place for residential treatment 
in healing the wounds of childhood abuses.
YOU will not be “giving up”; you will be “giving in” to more help.
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Teens Need Play Too

Hey YOU, teen parents: teens need play, too.  The challenge is weathering the negative attitude on the way to having fun and tolerating the negative attitude on the way back.  YOU will be in serious contention for the Mother Teresa or Ghandi award.  There isn’t a lot in it for YOU, except knowing that you are oiling the gears of your relationship with your teen.  YOU are putting fun in their tanks.  They will  appreciate YOU for it; just not out loud while they are teens.  Your relationship will be strengthened because of your effort.
 
One last thing about play with teens.  Teens are seriously impressed by novelty.  Novel fun is priceless and impactful to them.  So, take them somewhere interesting and different…then do everything side by side.
 
Spelunking
Ropes Course
Wall Climbing
Work Vacation in Mexico, Guatemala, Appalachia, Nepal, Dominican Republic, Calcutta
Backpack into the Sierra
Soup Kitchen in SF
Weekend with the Homeless Program
White Water Rafting
Go Cart Driving
Snorkeling
Surf Boarding
Skydiving
Gold Mining
Cruise to Alaska, Mexico, Nova Scotia
Bike Ride through Italy, France, U.S.
Arcades
Amusement Parks
Safari
Visit Stonehenge, Pueblos in New Mexico, Niagara Falls, Acropolis 
Donkey Trip in the Grand Canyon
Ellis Island
9/11 Ground Zero
Smithsonian
Holocaust Museum
Mount Rushmore
Spirituality Retreat
Swim with Dolphins
Workout Together
Run Together
Volunteer Together
Water Park
 
I know you are not made of money, so only do what you can afford. Camping will do. Soup kitchens are free.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  over the weekend.  Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday.  Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Get into the kitchen with your teen and see what you can create.
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Play Is For Now Work Is For Getting Done

Is it me or has life really started to get out-of-hand, too fast and too furious?  I spend most of my day talking to parents about playing– playing for yourself and playing with your children.  Have you ever noticed how a good laugh is better than an aspirin for what hurts? Or after a day at the spa with the wedding party or a leisurely round of golf, you can count on a good night’s sleep?  Or when you are sick as a dog (Why is that a saying?  My dog is rarely sick.) and really can’t do anything, have you noticed how nice it feels to actually do nothing? Well, that is the only reason I let myself get sick–to “do” nothing. Seems like there is a better way to get a day off–like plan one.  Heaven forbid I start playing a lot every day, right?  Nothing would ever get done!
 
Work and play are vastly different, polar opposites you might say. Work is all about the end game, accomplishing a goal, getting the job over and done, so we can stop.  Play is about being in the present moment, goalless, connecting, and allowing whatever happens happen.  Imagination, fantasy, and delight camp-out here.
 
Most of us have a tendency to come home from our goal oriented work or be home with our goal oriented tasks, just to set some more goals around getting dinner done, getting baths done, getting homework done, getting reading time done, getting the bedtime routine done, so we can…what?  Sleep.
 
I know I am preaching to the choir.  YOU know you are too busy to enjoy life; with the ballet and baseball, swimming and Girl Scouts, play dates and a zillion lists to help you keep all the balls in the air. Oh yeah, we all have Smartphones, so we have shared calendars that sync every minute (not lists anymore.)  I tell you, I am always up-to-date on the latest thing to do. I notice that one of my friends whose calendar I am synced with puts vacuuming the house on it. I don’t know why, but it seems funny-sad to me somehow.  And then I realize that I put similar funny-sad things on my calendar that she reads.
 
Slow down.  Your children need present play time with you, not a zillion extracurriculars.  Let the tasks go “undone” longer.  YOU need play for you, too. Cleanliness will not get you tickets into the Kingdom like you were told. Love will.  You know that bumper sticker LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH?  Bumper sticker gospel works for me. How about YOU?
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  over the weekend.  Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday.  Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, PLAY, PLAY, PLAY
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