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Tag Archives: parenting attachment challenged children
Do-Si-Do Around We Go
Oh man, I am tired of the do-si-do emotions that go on inside myself when I am trying to hold a loving stance without ensnaring my son with my own emotional hooks. I can feel myself emotionally tilt forward with hooks out, then catch myself and pull back to neutral. Then I tilt forward again–hooks out–only to catch myself and pull back to neutral again. Back and forth, back and forth. I am an emotional square dancer, perpetually do-si-do-ing in order to maintain my calm, maintain my love, and maintain my neutrality in the face of shenanigans with giant meat hooks.
I desperately wish for my son and myself a moment of being an introverted and relaxed wallflower. Thanks for the invite, but I’ll sit this one out.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Do-si-do and around we go.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Extrapolation Nation
(If you are planning on attending the upcoming Trust based Parent Training, take a look at the bottom of this page because the dates and times have changed. No inconvenience intended.)
For your edification, this is the definition of extrapolation according to my BFF M. Webster:
Extrapolation is an act or instance of inferring an unknown from something that is known.
One of the most mind-bending features of trauma on the brain is the way it can interfere with the development of extrapolation
skills–a handy little executive function.
When I taught my son how to measure a cup of water for making instant oatmeal, he was 6-years-old and I didn’t expect him to remember how to do it the next time. When he was 12-years-old, I really, really, really wanted him to be able to measure a cup of water for instant oatmeal from one day to the next. Really, really, really, I did.
Unfortunately, year after year, I have had to tell him how much water to use (and how long to cook it, for that matter.) Oh yeah, he can read the label on the package. Oh yeah, there is a cheat sheet on making instant oatmeal in his “How To Do Everything” binder. Oh yeah, he has an average IQ.
Funny thing though: he knows the fastest footpath to Target; he knows how much “found” change it takes to buy mini donuts at the corner store; he knows how to buy stuff on the internet by “borrowing” my credit card (apparently the security code on the back of a credit card is innate knowledge); and he knows how to take the RT to a friend’s house. Why in the world can he not remember how much clothing is too much clothing for the washer, how to turn on the dishwasher, or how to cook instant oatmeal?
ARGHHHHH!!!!
If this is familiar, then you can know that your traumatized child has what we call spiky access to his executive function. Sometimes she can and sometimes she can’t extrapolate. It is what it is. No need to lose your marbles over it or break your tender relationship because of it. Instead, breathe and direct him to the place where he can find the answer to his 999th question about the same thing. One day, out of the blue, like an epiphany or lightening bolt to the forehead, your child will just be able to do it.
At that point, SNOOPY Dance!
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
One cup, 90 seconds. One cup, 90 seconds. One cup, 90 seconds. Heaven forbid I change our brand of oatmeal with different amounts of water and cooking times. Change is scary, my son says. I believe him.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Trauma Brain Sandwich
Some kids who have Complex Developmental Trauma are white knuckling day and night. Their need to manage every single little thing to keep themselves feeling safe takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of them. Their need for the safety that control brings to them takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of YOU, too.
Upshot: Be super sure you are getting plenty of adult respite time to play, laugh, love, and be untethered so you are not having a steady Trauma Brain Sandwich diet. YOU will starve to death otherwise.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Trauma Brain Sandwiches are all carb, no protein.
The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Know-It-All
This morning my son woke up about 2 minutes before his ride for school was to show. Instead of popping up and getting clothes on, he ran toward the kitchen to take his meds like he always does.
Whoa, whoa, you have two minutes to get dressed, Goof-ball. Get dressed first and grab your meds on the way out the door!
Goof-ball stopped in his tracks, deer in the headlights style, then reluctantly (and very slowly, I might add) turned back toward his room.
In my infinite know-it-all condition I was thinking, This kid has no prefrontal cortex access to logical thinking.
Off-handedly, I asked him, “Why do you think it is so hard for you to make a little change that would help you do something more efficiently–like get out the door on time?” I wasn’t really expecting him to tell me his prefrontal cortex is underdeveloped. As a matter of fact, I have no idea why I persist in asking these kinds of questions. One might wonder about the capacity of my pre-frontal cortex.
He said, “I don’t like change. Change scares me, so that’s why.”
Huh, wrong part of the brain, Ms. Know-It-All. He is all limbic all the time. Of-course, that IS the reason he has so little access to his neo-cortical functions.
Ta-Da! Ms. Know-It-All retakes her slim lead in the I Know More Than An Eighteen Year Old Game we play around here.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Change is scary for our kids, even tiny changes in the daily routine.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Once Upon A Time
Everyone needs to make sense of their lives. Our children especially need to understand their own stories. Until they do fully, tell them stories. Once upon a time stories… I remember when stories… Moral of the story stories… Happy ending stories… I’ll start and you add-on stories… Alternative ending stories… When I was little stories… My grandfather stories… Hero stories… Good vs. Evil stories… Tell me a story about your day stories… When you were a baby, I bet stories… One time stories… Bedtime stories… Daytime stories… Story for the sake of stories stories…
Children love stories, whether you make them up, repeat a few, co-create them, imagine them, write them, share them, re-tell them, or listen to them. Do more of what your children love.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Children love stories.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
Who Needs the Therapy?
Parents often call my office looking for therapy for their attachment challenged child(ren). When I share our comprehensive family approach, many are accepting and excited. Some however are white-knuckling every day, worn out to the core, and reluctant to put in even an ounce more energy. These parents are desperate to get help for their child and they focus on that.
He never does what I tell him to do.
She only cares about herself.
Something is wrong with him.
She sneaks around all the time.
He steals things from everyone.
She doesn’t have a conscience.
He lies about everything.
She is grieving about her past.
He is negative all the time.
She doesn’t care about anything.
He hurts his brother.
She hates me and her life.
He is self-centered and disrespectful.
S/He needs therapy.
I have no doubt.
Here is what I see in the room with me:
YOU are hurt.
YOU are triggered.
YOU are reactive.
YOU are adversarial.
YOU are resentful.
YOU are grieving.
YOU are angry.
YOU are depressed.
YOU are dysregulated.
YOU are exhausted.
YOU feel hopeless.
YOU need therapy.
Your whole family needs help, because YOU are the healer for your own child. Therapy isn’t effective without YOU.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
When YOU have trouble finding yourself,
YOU need help.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.
YOU Are Scary
Ever wonder why your children from hard places are more shenanigan prone with YOU than with any other person? Doesn’t it seem sometimes like your mere presence in a room invites behavior that your mother-in-law swears didn’t happen all day until YOU showed up? Doesn’t it feel like all of these shenanigans are your fault or directed at YOU? After all they are mostly happening when you are there.
Okay, I give you credit for knowing the ins and outs of this. I know you know it is because they come from difficult beginnings and have been hurt and abandoned by the beloved. Just to drive it home–truth be told–the real reason is simple: YOU are scary. Yep it is YOU. YOU, the current attachment object.
Attachment is scary. Have you ever had the feeling that you might be falling in love and really needing someone before you know for sure they feel the same way? Ever been hurt by someone you trusted wholeheartedly and then felt guarded and apprehensive about the next relationship? Ever act completely a fool in the presence of someone you gave yourself to, but the relationship deal has not been struck yet? Ever found yourself doing shenanigans that you are not proud of out of insecurity or fear of loss? See, attachment is scary; and, you are an adult.
You and your child from difficult beginnings are in the scary dance of attachment. It takes a long time for any human to give their heart vulnerably and securely to another. If you come from your own difficult beginnings you can multiply that vulnerability by 10 or so. Our kids are right there.
It is NOT your fault. It is your gift to them to hold steady, keep dancing, and be the safety, the love they don’t yet trust exists in the world.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Love the way you want to be loved–wholeheartedly.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Eyeballs
When was the last time you said to your child, “Let me look at those beautiful eyeballs of yours”?
When you do playfully get them gazing back, YOU can respond with a sweet, loving, eyeball-to-eyeball smile of recognition–I claim YOU, sweet child; YOU are home in my heart.
Soft, eye contact is a pathway to the deep heart of your child’s brain. With every intimate look, you and your child get a jolt of oxytocin and dopamine–ahhhh, love juice.
Eyeball Challenge: Consciously double your soft, playful eye contact every day for a week and see what happens. I dare YOU.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
YOU must claim your child first
before expecting your child to claim YOU back.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
It’s A Lying Shame
Being a card-carrying resident of “Crazy Town,” it became very clear to me that most of my children’s wacky shenanigans were about their compulsive defense against feeling shame that plagued them. The currency of our Crazy Town was nonsensical lying, sneaking, never taking responsibility, blaming, minimizing, excuse making, and becoming zero-to-60 enraged when hiding from the truth is impossible.
Sometimes it is hard for parents of attachment challenged and traumatized children to pull out of the insanity long enough to empathize with how painfully horrible it feels for a child to dip into overwhelming feelings of being “bad, hopeless, worthless and unlovable.” After all, they think their own birth parents didn’t love them enough to hold them precious, hold them emotionally, or simply hold a safe and stable space for them to grow up with a true sense of self-worth. On top of that, some of our children were harshly and excessively disciplined; they were left alone and punished with isolation; they were rejected through love-withholding and emotional cruelty; relationship repair non-existent; they were criticized for their child-like thinking, feelings and desires; and, finally, they were abandoned, thus internalizing the destruction of their birth family as “their own fault.”
Every child experiences small amounts of normally occurring shame in the first few years of life following moderate Mommy and Daddy hairy-eyeball correction. That short loss of closeness during correction helps a child develop an internalized sense of right from wrong. These experiences of shame followed by experiences of parental repair allow normal development of socially acceptable guilt and remorse for behavior that is harmful. Excessive shame defenses in children cause an extreme self-centeredness that ultimately prevents the development of empathy for others and appropriate guilt accompanied by responsibility-taking for actions that have harmed. My kids were never wrong or totally wrong. Sound familiar?
When shame is acknowledged, negative feelings embraced, and regular repairs are made by loving parents, our wounded children slowly develop what we call conscience.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Too much shame causes
compulsive, self-centered avoidance of accepting responsibility.
It’s a lying shame.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 