Tag Archives: parenting attachment challenged children

Time Flies, Except When It Stands Still

Time is such a relative thing. Einstein was right, I guess. (Okay, all you scientists, let me have it.) As my son approached his 18th birthday, I felt time flying by. I actually wanted to slow it down just a little so I could savor the great progress he was making just before the big day. No such luck.

Once, when I was a teenager, I was the shotgun passenger in a little aluminum-can-car that spun fiercely around in circles on a black ice highway; and then, in this weird time distortion, came to a near stop facing backward on the wrong side of the road–it seemed like I could have opened the door and stepped out–before the car side-ended over a 500 foot cliff. Every revolution of the car down the mountain-side was in slow motion; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight rolls before spearing itself on a baby pine tree growing parallel to the mountain side. We were suspended there by that spindly toothpick about 100 feet from river rocks below. The whole thing was surreal and I never thought of time the same again.

When my attachment challenged children were growing up, I experienced the relativity of time again. I felt like I was in a perpetual slow-mo Lifetime for Television movie, where time stood nearly still for 10 years. Only my wrinkles and my aging husband had any speed of note. Uh, let’s keep that between us, okay?

So, if you feel up close and personal with Einstein or whomever had that time is relative thought, take heart. Time really is relative and one day like the magic of movies it speeds up and you find that the perpetual slow-motion crash is over. YOU just need to make sure there is more than a toothpick holding you above the rocks, when it finally ends.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Slow-Mo-Life

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

Parent Healers

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There is a place for therapy for attachment challenged children, but only after parents have regulated themselves, adjusted their parenting practices, and addressed their own childhood wounds. Without consistent emotional safety in the family home, traumatized children cannot do the work YOU might want them to do.

For example, chronic control, lying, defiance, manipulation, opposition, and badgering are not going to get better by sending the child to therapy. Those are all behaviors that spring out of insecure attachment, avoidant attachment, complex reactivity and poor parent/child relationships. Trauma is about the only thing that can be lessened one-on-one in therapy with an attachment challenged child, and even that is hit or miss.

Attachment challenged children can make great strides in Theraplay and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy with the parents.

There is no way around YOU being the best healer for your child. YOU have to learn the tools though.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

I always wished a therapist could help my children, but I was the only one who could find that tiny hidden doorway into their hearts.

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

All Roads Lead To Abandonment

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Some of us are equipped better than others for quieting the anxieties attachment challenged children are haunted with. Since TV raised me (mostly), I wasn’t that well informed. Mr. Spock from Star Trek was my role model. I had to learn about soothing through the experience of doing it. I quickly discovered that all roads led to abandonment for my children, so anxiety was the mood of every moment.

Today I am having two minor medical procedures. I had to tell my son because I will take to my bed when I get home. Immediately he went into anxiety mode thinking I might die, so I spent the good part of last night reassuring him that I wasn’t. For me, this is like lying to children for years about the existence of Santa Claus. One day I will die–probably not today, but who knows? He will likely deal with that inevitability like he did the unveiling of Santa–YOU lied Mom! What else are you lying about?

Easter Bunny, Leprechauns, Tooth Fairy, Elf On A Shelf, Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer…me dying someday.

Parents can’t be trusted.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Oh, the conundrum of lying to children.

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

The Attach Place/Neurofeedback Solutions is an active supporter of The Wounded Warrior Project. We give free neurofeedback treatment to veterans. If you know someone in the Sacramento area who is suffering from the effects of war, we are here to help one soldier at a time.

This Is What Empathy Sounds Like

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Maybe using the word empathy to communicate what is required to support your child’s healing is not ringing the “I can do that” button for YOU. YOU can do it though. Empathy sounds something like this:

Your child: “I hate you and I don’t care that you love me!”

YOU: I am sorry that you are feeling so bad Honey. It must be awful to feel so alone.

Your child: “Get out of my f***ing room! I don’t want you in here.”

YOU: I can see you are very angry right now and I think you are telling me you need some space, so I am going to go turn the spaghetti sauce off and give you a few minutes. I will be back though.

Okay, dinner is taking a time-out while we talk. I am not sure why you are so angry. Maybe I am missing something. Tell me again please what you are angry about. It is okay, I can handle you having angry feelings. Try me.

Your child: “I am never going to love you, so leave me alone.”

YOU: Sometimes love takes a long time to grow and it sounds like you think I won’t be here for you if you don’t love me. I want you to know that I am here for you either way. I think you might be mad about being a kid that needed to be adopted. Is that right?

Your child: “No!”

YOU: Okay, you don’t think so right now. I am going to hang out in here with you for a while. Something has been making me really nutty, I keep trying to figure out why Easter bunnies lay eggs. Shouldn’t they be Easter chickens?

“Da-ad.”

What? I can’t figure it out. What do you think?

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Stay present, adult, and focused on the feelings beneath the biting words.

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

Empathy, Really?

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Are you freaking kidding me? This kid has kicked me, scratched me, bit me, broken my favorite things, run off, told lies about me and to me, stolen things from everyone I know and YOU want me to show him empathy? I know he went through a lot in his first few years. I know! But this is five years later and he acts like I did it to him. He doesn’t care about anything, let alone me. He has to be punished for his behavior or he will never learn.

First, I empathize with YOU. What you are going through every day with your very challenging child is painful and tiring and I know you are on the edge of hopelessness. Me, too. I have felt all of these things, too. I can see you are brokenhearted and desperate to have peace in your family.

YOU can do this, but it will be hard and take all the strength and determination you have. Yes, empathy in the face of trouble is the first step toward turning this all around. It will not be fast and it will not be easy. It will be a daily practice of mindfulness, self-care, and love to be the “adult in the room.” It has taken me years to become that adult. Years. That was my personal journey. Who knew that I had so many childhood wounds that would be healed along the way to learning how to love my attachment challenged children?

Ready or not, this is your journey.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Every journey begins with one step. Why not empathy?

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

The Opposite Of Traditional Parenting

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Parents of attached children from relatively smooth beginnings parent with the end in mind. From the moment of birth parents are teaching their child how to grow up to become competent, confident and responsible adults. Of course there is some playing around in between, but most of the parental engagement is designed to make the children (age appropriately) more and more responsible for their own lives.

Our children from difficult beginnings are often traumatized and forced by biology into thinking, believing, and acting as though they are on their own to survive. When all of a child’s efforts are focused on survival, s/he misses out on very basic parts of being a happy human being–things like play, pleasure, joy, delight, and carefree doddling. (Yes, they all definitely know how to doddle, but it isn’t carefree.)

Parenting for these kinds of children is all about helping them be “children.” This doesn’t mean they don’t have to learn to be responsible adults. It means they have to learn to be children first.

I know you are scared that encouraging your child to be a child will perpetually stunt an already delayed developmental process. After all, aren’t our children the most disorganized, unconcerned, selfish, irresponsible, illogical, childish people you have ever met? (I can’t tell you how many adoptive parents introduce their child to me as “28 going on 2-years old.”) So, yes and no. Our children are equally filled with huge levels of fear, anxiety, hypervigilance, control, panic, and dysregulation?

Attachment challenged children need the opposite of traditional parenting first. Teach them to play by playing with them–a lot. Withhold the constant nagging, teaching, training, and consequencing for their lack of follow through, lack of organization, lack of concern, lack of responsibility taking. Let your child off the adult hook until play comes easily, pleasure abounds, and joy is abundant. Once this occurs, it will be much easier to help them become happy, responsible adults.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th. Save the date.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

Play today or pay tomorrow.

Teach Respect

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I have always liked that bumper sticker that says Teach Peace. Look!!! Here it is.

teach peace 2

Whenever I see it on a car, I feel a kinship with the driver. The fact that the sticker might be left over from three owners before and this driver is actually not particularly Man of the Year doesn’t keep me from feeling a little extra love juice in that direction. Nothing wrong with that, right? Both of us can probably use it.

Teach Respect is better as a mantra than a bumper sticker. If our kids have knowledge gaps, then we have to teach them things we think they should already know–like respect.

I am forever shocked at how little our tiny attachment challenged professors actually know about the subtleties of life. They have to be taught. Respect is no different.

Believe it or not, parents have often been the teachers of disrespect to their children in two ways:

We respond to disrespect with disrespect. Because we are the adults, we don’t always go back, apologize, and redo our disrespectful words with the one’s we wish we had used. We just feel justified and move on.
We respond with compliance. When Sam says, “I don’t want this for dinner. I hate f…ing pork chops,” many of us will tell him to “Shut your f….ing pie hole and sit the f… down!” Certainly none of my readers. Others of us will simply get him something else to eat to spare the family the shenanigans.

Neither of these methods teach respect. Actually, they teach the opposite. Try these on for size:

1. Be respectful, even when your child isn’t. Save all your angry, disrespectful words for your mental bubbles or therapist (who will definitely understand.)

2. Gently require respect before your child gets the thing s/he wants. For example: Whoa Sam, not sure you realize that saying that the way you did about the pork chops is a sure fire way of making me deaf. That hurts my sensitive ears. Go ahead and try again. If Sam gives you more disrespect, tell him you love him and go back to dealing with dinner–mental bubble: pork chops it is . If he gives you respect, you can decide to stick with pork chops because that is all there is and let him choose dinner for another day or maybe give him the choice of something leftover. It’s never a good idea to allow him something special while everyone else gets what is on the menu.

Of course, there are a zillion ways to respond. Those are just a few. I have heard plenty of people react to my suggestions with, You have got to be kidding; my kid would explode all over the place if I tried to correct him. If you don’t correct him now and withstand the tantrums for a good 21 days, YOU will live with this tyrant for an entire childhood.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Pay now or pay later.

I fixed the link to the parent training if you have been trying to sign-up and couldn’t get through. Sorry about that; my techno wizardry only goes so far–about a foot.

NOTE: Space is limited this time around. The nextREVISED Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is scheduled for January 24th and January 31st. Registerhere. If you have been through this course in the past, you will be getting significantly more hands on experience than ever before.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

2014 In Review–Wisdom For Adoptive Parents Blog

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 42 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Knowledge Gaps

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When a child is hypervigilant, s/he pays so much attention to survival that nuances of how to do things, how to interpret social cues, and how to engage smoothly with others go unnoticed and unlearned. These are the knowledge gaps that are so mind boggling to parents.

If she can do it here, why can’t she do it there?
If he knows this, why doesn’t he know that?

I call our complex developmentally traumatized children “spiky.” Sometimes they get things and sometimes they don’t. The one thing I know for sure: they are not spiky intentionally in order to make YOU crazy.

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Sometimes in survival mode and sometimes not.
Oh, if we could only discern the difference.

NOTE: If you are planning to sign up, please go ahead and do it because I think the space will end up being limited this time around. The next REVISED Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is scheduled for January 24th and January 31st. Register here. If you have been through this course in the past, you will be getting significantly more hands on experience than ever before.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

Attachment Challenged Dog

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Twelve years ago my husband brought home (surprise) a shelter puppy with very big paws. Just the way that puppy ran told me he was from difficult beginnings. My previously perfect and pristine home became mud-tracked, hair-blanketed, and basically gritty everywhere, including the bed. Fall, Winter and Spring became my nightmare seasons. Well, I will always have Summer (not really.)

This dog is untrainable, sort of. He is willful, fearful, smart, and kind of dull all at the same time. However dull his abilities for following commands, Frank (his name is Frank) brought a liveliness to our house, the likes of which had previously been unknown.

This is just how lively: There is the bolting for the front door whenever anyone goes in or out. There are the constant appointments with trainers and vets of every ilk. There are anti-anxiety meds and natural, homemade, nutrient rich diets, sure to regulate him. None of that works of course. He once nearly ate our babysitter and has nipped more people than I care to count. We have been urged by many to let him go (that really ticks me off because he is my baby.) Frank scares me to death when people come over (growling, snarling, barking, jumping and acting like a SWAT K-9) and, finally, very few people ever come over to visit now because of his shenanigans.

Frank leads (not follows) me all around the house–both insecure and head-strong. Did I mention he weighs 100lbs? Without warning, he often stops mid-gait and I full on fall over him to the floor. Sometimes I think I catch him smiling, as I hit the ground. If I use a meanly spiked, pincher collar on him, all the passersby admire how well-behaved, charming and handsome he is. If I put him on one of those retractable leashes with a little wiggle room, he will run a mile and drag me (literally) along behind. Other dog owners do not think he is so cute then.

When Frank wants something, he comes climbing up into my lap, like a tiny Chihuahua. And when I want something, he is completely deaf, refusing my call. Frank never resists stealing bones from the other dogs–oh yeah, we have adopted a couple more since Frank–even when he has two of his own already. He is scared of his own footsteps on hardwood, barking fiercely and equally at leaves and squirrels and the local RT bus that stops at intervals outside our dining room window. Frank is grossly, hopelessly hypervigilant. He never misses tantruming madly at the faint shuffle of passersby, though thunder and lightning send him shivering straight into the shower.

Frankly, by all accounts, Frank is a naughty dog. Occasionally, I can be heard whispering, I can’t wait until he is out of the house (by this I mean, you know, in heaven, because all dogs go there after our house.) Those thoughts make me feel like a horrible dog mother and, generally, an all around despicable human steward.

Once in a while I am known to yearn for a full-breed of any kind that has had an easy beginning with a good-enough doggie mother that I can bring inside from our own little litter in the backyard. That’s never going to happen because our family is dedicated to saving the lives of dogs others were too careless to plan for. We are called to this life–reluctant, broken-winged.

Sometimes I wish I had hung up on that damned call, but I didn’t and I wouldn’t. The caller knew I had plenty of piss and vinegar, love, and acceptance to give. There are times when I am challenged to bring it. But mostly I can rise to the occasion.

Truth be told: I love Frank with all my heart and he loves me the best way he knows how–it’s an imprint. I’m going to love him forever and never give up on him, just like he was born in the backyard. It is his birthright to be loved this way; and I am just the dog lover to do it.

Let sleeping dogs sit up. Happy Chanukah to Frank and YOU.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

A life worth living is the only life worth living.

Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

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