Tag Archives: parenting attachment challenged children

Name the Shame

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When I was growing up, I am pretty sure my parents read some kind of
parenting book entitled, Shame Your Way to Perfect Children.  Or
maybe topping The New York Times best seller list for non-fiction
during those years was a blockbuster book called, Best Kept Secret
For Good Behavior: Shame Works.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  The secret is
out.

My parents weren’t bad people.  They were just doing what their
parents did. It did work pretty well. I didn’t do a whole lot of bad
stuff when I was a kid. I waited until I was away at college.  Ha.

So, shame can work with normally attached children.  However, there
is a side-effect even for attached children–lingering into adulthood
a negative core belief about self worth that often takes a lifetime
to repair. That’s me.

Shame doesn’t work at all to manage the behavior of  attachment
challenged children who have a primal wound from adoption, abuse and
neglect in the early years, or birth trauma in the early years that
gets confused with a poorly formed identity.

You know that blank look, those frozen wide-open doll eyes YOU get
from your children when you confront them on their negative
behavior–that look that implies no feeling, no care, no conscience?
You know that incredible head of steam, that incensed, indignant,
“How dare YOU” bluster they can muster to deny they had any part in
misdeeds. Those two responses are a sure fire indicator that shame is
at work just under the surface and your child is calling upon every
imaginable survival skill to push away the overwhelming experience of
shame, even if that means nonsensical lying, nonsensical denying, or
nonsensical self-silencing.

Here is the real secret.  Remove the blame, address the shame, and
attend to what lies beneath–your child’s fear of being bad, wrong,
unwanted and unlovable.  Shame of being.  How sad it that? Our
children very often feel shame about who they are–and they don’t
even know it.  Every day poor decision-making adds evidence to their
internal unconscious argument that they are rotten at the core.

As parents we can work to heal this “bad” feeling in our children.
We just have to be sure that shame is not used in a misguided attempt
to make our children feel something about their negative
behavior–remorse, sorry, sad, bad, anything except nothing.

They already feel bad enough about who they are; extra is not
required.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is
September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/993b85483b/TEST/8d3e730b6f .

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Commit to withholding shame and in the face of negative behavior
affirm your child’s goodness at the core.

Shake It Off

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Good Morning Fellow Parent,

Got up this morning to the usual:  Teeth, Deodorant, Zipper?  Close, but no trifecta.
 
Just have to Shake It Off with Audrey and Dad:
 
Shake It Off
 

Honestly, it has been one of those kid weeks. It’s definitely my house, because the same things happen every day, every day, every day.  Shaking it off is the only answer.  

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

 When nothing else makes sense, DANCE.

Fre-Frontal Lobe Damage

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I am fond of saying things about the Pre-Frontal Cortex.  YOU might have noticed that if you are a long time Daily YOU Time reader.  I just like the way it rolls off my tongue. Uh, fingers?  
Anyway, our attachment challenged children, as well as any child who comes from difficult beginnings of distressed pregnancy, prematurity, and birth trauma are going to experience frontal lobe (i.e. Pre-Frontal Cortex) damage or delay (if that is easier to think about.)  
That part of the brain is responsible for executive functions of memory, theory of mind (e.g. knowing that one’s mind is not the only mind), extrapolation, cause and effect thinking, reason, and ultimately complex judgement and morality.
Dr. James Chandler nicely describes some of the functions this way:
  1. Working memory and recall (holding facts in mind while manipulating information; accessing facts stored in long-term memory.)
  2. Activation, arousal, and effort (getting started; paying attention; finishing work)
  3. Controlling emotions (ability to tolerate frustration; thinking before acting or speaking)
  4. Internalizing language (using “self-talk” to control one’s behavior and direct future actions)
  5. Taking an issue apart, analyzing the pieces, reconstituting and organizing it into new ideas (complex problem solving).

Give your child a break when it comes to statements they make like:

I forgot.

I don’t remember how to do it.

I don’t remember what you said.

I got distracted.

I can’t focus.

I can’t think.

I can’t start.

I can’t manage.

I don’t know.

I don’t know how.

I can’t remember how.

I didn’t hear you.

I can’t control it.

I just took it.

I just wanted it.

I just hit him.

I got confused.

I can’t do my homework.

I can’t organize it.

I am trying to organize it.

I can’t figure it out.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

Your child probably can’t. This is not bad, lazy, unmotivated, defiant, passive aggressive, attachment disordered, stubborn, stupid, resistant, avoidant, or hateful.  Your child needs hurdle-help, brain training, tools, repetition, hands-on experience, skill-building, and your patience.

Pre-Frontal Cortex frontal lobe damage is the problem, not your child.

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

 
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here.
 
Please share freely.  Your community of support can sign-up for their own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here.

Patience and understanding will save your relationship with a child who comes from difficult beginnings. Relationship is love in action. 
Love Matters.

Back to School Blues

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I had a nice long break.  Honestly, I missed writing to YOU every day, and I didn’t miss writing every day.  Since I last sent you a missive, it was the stress-free days of summer and now it is back to school.  Even if your attachment challenged child is excited about the school year, you can put money on a scourge of blow outs and meltdowns because, like school or not, dysregulation is afoot.

Here are a few tips to ease you through the back to school blues:

Up the empathy for your child’s stress.  (“Awe, it’s awful to have 6 teachers you hate.  Just awful.”)

Give hurdle help. (“I’ll help you find your binder, your homework, your pencil, your deodorant, your zipper, your brain, and your shoes.”)

Be a hero for a few weeks. (“Oh, you forgot your lunch again? Sure, I will take an hour out of my morning to swing it by school before lunchtime.”)

Listen to every story with eager ears and soft eyes. (“Oh, she did? Then what? Oh, that is HILLLL-arious.”)

Have fun and chill. (Eat ice cream after school at least once a week for the first month. Even YOU might like an excuse to blow your diet.”)

Okay, that’s it for me on my first day back to YOU.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Brains Are Impacted By Adoption

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Daily YOU Time
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Love Matters
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Hello Fellow Parent,

If your child is adopted, his/her brain is NOT the same as a healthy, attached, birth child.  When we ascribe negative intention to our children’s behavior, we are sadly mistaken. Our children have special needs.  They need special dispensation regarding every day activities.  

For example:

When they take forever to get dressed…

When they will not accept your clothing choices…

When screaming is their response to “no…”

When they are charming when other’s say “no…”

When they are withdrawn and negative…

When they are outspoken and attention seeking…

When they are good at getting their way…

When they seem helpless and inadequate at every turn…

When they are controlling…

When they don’t take responsibility…

When they are irrational…

When they are black and white…

When they are clumsy…

When they insist on doing things their own way…

When they are clueless about the needs of others…

When they are self-centered…

When they hoard…

When they break everything they touch…

When they do not share…

When they share everything…

When they would go home with anyone…

When they will not let go of your hand, ever…

When they seem perpetually 2 years old…

When they act 27 years old…

…they need our understanding, compassion, and patience for their brain related specialness.

Love Matters, Ce

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Give your child compassion in the form of patience and understanding.  You will need to have YOU time to be able to do that.  Get it! You deserve it!  If your child has special needs, so do you.

 

It Gets In

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Daily YOU Time
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Love Matters
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“Does any of this ever get through to our attachment challenged children?”  I am asked this question daily by one parent or another…usually in exasperation and often in despair. 

Unequivocally, yes. Yes it does.  

One day, when you least expect it, you will be both surprised and delighted when you overhear your son or daughter giving sage advice to a sibling or peer.  The advice will sound as though it came right out of your own mouth.  

Have faith.  Trust the human brain to record every single thing, even while denying any memory of the past.  The brain records the bad (sadly) AND the good (thankfully.) That is the hidden paradox.

You child will eventually be able to call upon the years of repetitious neuro-pathways you created when you taught the same lessons, day in and day out, even as they appeared to “never” learn from their mistakes and your best teaching.  

 
Love Matters, 
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
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We all learn through repetition.  Think about something you are trying to change.  How may times have you started and stopped, started and stopped…?   Repetition creates new neuro-pathways for everyone.  It takes a lot of effort to change, right?

 

Things Get Broken

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Daily YOU Time
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Love Matters
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Good Morning Fellow Parent,

Our kids break things.  They break things to test the limits of everything because they cannot intuit when to stop, where the breaking point really is.  That is an attachment issue.  A lack of good enough parenting in the first 33 months of life (starting at conception) creates in a child’s brain the inability to intuit when to put the brakes on: when to stop.   So, SNAP, it’s broken.  Have you noticed that your child seems surprised every time something is broken?  It broke. 

Along with the inability to put brakes on is the inability to extrapolate.  Extrapolation is an executive function of the pre-frontal cortex.  Our attachment challenged children cannot extrapolate one broken thing to another broken thing.  Attachment challenged children have a higher level of cortisol (stress hormone) flooding their pre-frontal cortices, thus delaying the development of the executive function.  The executive function in the brain is what makes it possible for our children to put two and two together.  You probably noticed already that our kids don’t put two and two together very well, thus the need for repetition, repetition, repetition on our parts.

They are developmentally delayed.  It is important for us parents  to understand this.  They may look “normal,” but they are not really.  Their brains are different. How can we continue to expect age appropriate behavior from a child whose brain is delayed by many, many years?

The 65,000 dollar question is:  Will their brains ever change?  With help–your safe love, corrective parenting, attachment therapies, neurofeedback, Trauma Therapies, and time–mostly they will…much later than we parents usually expect and desire. Hang in there.

Up your empathy for how in the world it must feel to make the same mistakes over and over and over again and to be in trouble over and over and over again?  For me, horrible to the core and angry as hell at those who appeared to be constantly picking on me.  I think our kids feel something like that.  When I feel empathy, I handle things more gently and lovingly.  So will you.  That is what our kids need–gentle, consistent parenting. Over and over and over.

Love Matters, Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships
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When YOU get upset today, take one deep breath before speaking. Maybe three.

 

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Daily YOU Time
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Love Matters
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Good Morning Fellow Parent,

I reply to many email questions daily from parents with parenting questions.  I welcome questions in email, so families can get support between sessions.  Turns out, I don’t always understand the questions and offer less than what is expected; however, sometimes the replies have a universal quality.  This is a response to a recent email I thought might be helpful to share with you.

I wanted to follow up about that “glee” you experience in your (child) when he is blowing out.
That is a chemical reaction.  When he is blowing out, his brain is flooded with cortisol (stress hormone taking his prefrontal
cortex–judgement, caring, ability to respond appropriately–off line), his adrenaline pumps through his body (giving him the feeling of superman like physical power), and endorphins are released because of the over-arousal (giving him a burst of relief and, dare I say it, exuberant satisfaction) which makes him seem to ENJOY a good blow out while it is happening.
What you interpret as “enjoying the negative escalation” is really “enjoying the chemical process” of the blow-out, not the defiant behavior directed at you. To top it all off, this chemical alchemy is ADDICTIVE, so the blow outs become habituated because unconsciously he is seeking that intense feeling.
That said, what is the answer?   While you are getting him into recovery from addictive blow-outs, you have to do some therapeutic things that maybe seem counter-intuitive and like way too much energy to be putting into a kid that is old enough to do the basic tasks of getting dressed, taking showers, etc. Remember, his brain is addicted to blowing out.  He has been blowing out most of his life; it isn’t just for you.  You will have to do the regular, daily, hard work of re-organizing his experiences to replace the blow-out habit with a new positive addiction like relational, interactive play (the language of children).
Keep your emotions light and be playful… Give him the same chemical alchemy in a positive way.  Morning pillow fight to get his blood pumping? Game of tag around the house before a shower? Turn on some rock and roll and dance around like an idiot?  Tickle fest?  Serenade him with I’ve Got a Hammer?
 

Try it, if you think you can stay playful and tolerate the “up” energy.  You can get some replacement neuro-pathways constructed this way.

Love Matters, Ce
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Understanding your child’s behavior as a brain/body process, rather than a calculated, personal attack on YOU, is important to your ability to meet your child with love. 

 

Grateful For A New Day

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What is that quote from Einstein? “You cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.”  Actually, I am not sure that that is the exact quote, nor that it was said by Einstein, but I am going with it because it serves my purpose.  If he didn’t say it, I am sure he would have agreed with whomever did say it, right?
 
I am so grateful for a new day, a new chance to see through a different viewfinder. Yesterday, I was all sour and sad and pathetic.  And I sure needed a good cry and a couple shoulders to hold me while I did it. Time to pick myself up, dust off my soiled clothes and dirty hands, and think circles instead of boxes, inside or outside of them, as it were.
 
Focusing on my son’s lying problem is causing more lying. I know that.  I can see it every day.  So, true to form, I keep focusing on the lying every day.  That is the same old thinking and it is getting me more of the same old problem.
 
There is a super sure-fire cure for lying.  Up your empathy, expect the obvious (lying), and accept re-viewing, re-phrasing, re-doing, re-remembering, re-evaluating, re-inventing, re-seeing, re-explaining, re-visiting, and re-telling until your child settles on what is the last re-vision.  Then re-joice because, little by little, your child is re-wiring for the truth.  
 
This method happens to take the patience of a cat observing a mouse for the kill. My personal opinion: The answers to the great conundrums of the Universe are usually found in the ways of dogs and cats.  Wag on, my friends, wag on and purr a lot.
 
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
  • Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014.  Email for more information:  jennifer@attachplace.com.
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No Lemon”aid” Today

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From Friday Snoopy Happy Dance to Monday lemons over here on my side of the grass is not greener cliche fence.  For the life of me, I cannot seem to make my usual lemonade from the sour fruits of my morning.  It is already 3:30pm and I haven’t written to YOU.  Come on, Ce.  Perk up.

Everywhere I turned today for comfort, dished out messages that I could only hear as, “It’s your fault.”  Your children are being this way because of YOU.  Well, no kidding Sherlock!  No freaking kidding!

All I wanted was for someone who loves me to say, “Wow, it IS so hard, and it has been a long 15 years, and you are doing your best, and I can see that, and hang on, and it will all be okay, because YOU are okay.”  I did get two hugs in the end.  That mattered, because love matters.

Yep, I’m feeling a little pathetic, and that’s it.  Lemon without the “aid.”

Better cue-up the Snoopy Dance music, cuz I need a reason to celebrate.  I know YOU have these days.  I hope it feels comforting to know that YOU are not the only one.  Big love to YOU, because…
 
Love Matters,
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Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:
  • Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014.  Email for more information:  jennifer@attachplace.com.