Tag Archives: parenting attachment challenged children

Behavior As Coping Mechanisms

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Kids who have been traumatized by maltreatment or by witnessing maltreatment of others have highly developed coping mechanisms.  They are often very serious adapters and adjusters.  Behaviors like aggression, lying, oppositionality, shutting down, manipulating, stealing, nonsensical chatter, distraction, sneaking, hoarding, lethargy, refusal and low motivation are all examples of adaptive coping strategies.

talking 2Be very, very careful not to label your children as “bad seeds” because they use everything available to them to survive long after the need to be on “survival mode” has ceased to exists.  Survival mode is hardwired and takes years to rewire into “safety mode.”

What YOU do in the face of all that behavior matters.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they are liars and will go to jail some day.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they are acting like whores.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they have no conscience.  Fear drives us to tell our kids they are just like their low life birth parents. Fear drives us to do and say things we are ashamed of thinking and saying.  Acting out our fear in those ways further wounds our previously traumatized children and in no way does it change their survival mode behavior.

understanding
Parent by a set of principles to keep YOU on the high road:

Be Respectful
Be Loving
Be Understanding
Be Safe

Make sure YOU are a shiny beacon of safety when you parent your child. Safety is the ultimate solution to moving your children out of survival mode and away from negative coping strategies. To be a safe parent YOU have to find a way to quell your own fears.  Fear puts YOU in survival mode.  No one feels safe then.

I know you are scared for your children.  Find a way to surrender it to the Universe, your higher power, the greater good, God, or whatever else you can find to put your faith in.  Your child needs your love, not your fear.  YOU have to manage your own survival behaviors to help your children manage theirs.
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Frog in a Pot

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You have all probably heard the analogy of the Frog in the Kettle, right?  Okay, I’m forced to repeat it.  If you put a frog in a hot kettle of water, it will jump right out–smart froggie style. If you put a frog in a cold kettle of water on a slow to boil stove, the froggie, well, will not have the good sense to stretch a leg.  That same smart froggie will simply adjust, adjust, adjust to death, as the water boils right over.
If you are in a hot pot with your attachment challenged children, you may not realize that you need help, Help, HELP to turn the temperature down.
 
In order to engage and thrive with attachment challenged children in your life, you have to be able to:
  • Open yourself to the realities of their lives before YOU
  • Tolerate their wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Handle your own wildly swinging emotions and reactions
  • Become hyper-flexible like a parenting ninja
  • Get support from everywhere and everyone to keep the water cool
pot
If you don’t…Hello froggie, this is not the pond you were hoping for.  Jump!
 
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

No Fear

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Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend where I found myself insisting that I have no fear.  She was doubting me and perhaps I protested too much.  Our silly banter made me ponder that concept a little more because I really don’t experience fear.  But why don’t I?  Then I was reminded how my children never seemed to express fear in the years following coming home with me.  They took big physical and relational risks, broke all rules, and seemed to be unmoved by my ire.  I came to know this as traumatic dissociation, because the longer I lived with them the more I saw how much fear and anxiety operated in them.  They were actually afraid of almost everything.

fearMy children and I have something in common.  We have all three been scared “to death” in our lives and survived to see another day.  That kind of trauma can have varying impacts on people.  Some become more fearful and others repress fear completely, thus NO FEAR (or any other feeling for that matter.)

Eventually, the feelings of fear must be uncovered, so life can be engaged with appropriate amounts of risk taking and caution. I think my children have work to do in this arena.  When my daughter calls in tears about how scared she is to be on her own, I hear the grief and work to soothe her.  My son still glazes over to avoid his fears.  There is more processing to be done for them to emerge feeling safe inside themselves and in the world.


So, what is my story.  Of course I feel fear, when I am in danger.  Since I am rarely in danger, I rarely feel fear.  I was scared to death early in my life and I think I did repress my feelings for a number of years.  In my twenties I faced my scary loss with copious crying that seemed to last forever. Talk about keeping my therapist flush with vacations for a few years. When the grief came to a natural close–my loss processed fully, made sense of, and incorporated into my narrative about myself–I returned to a life fully alive and filled with love.  That was my goal then and continues to be my goal now. I think living in love, without fear, AKA anxiety, is the outcome of doing my personal work.  I am grateful for that and for the ability to embrace life and accept it on its own terms.  For me, there is no other option.

unconditional love

Felt safety needs to be our parenting goal for our children, so they can face forward without fear and with love in their own lives.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 
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Odd Suggestion

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This may seem like an odd suggestion, so bear with me. Teen daughters fare better when they are given structure, guidance, and daily expectations from fathers. 
 
mother teen daughter
 
Adoptive mothers (or any parent who is seen as the primary nurturer by the child) often, though not always, are the targets of projective anger from past abuses by birth mothers. During the teen years, when identity development, separation, and individuation are the developmental goals, teen girls often up the ante on rejection of their mothers and intensify their reactivity when being corrected.  
 

father daughter

Since reactivity is intensified in the teens years, it makes sense to enlist fathers to do most of the corrective parenting, structuring, and guiding. Teen girls can often take in information from their fathers in a way that they cannot from their mothers.
 
While this is painful for adoptive mothers, having fathers step in more can keep girls from running away, reacting aggressively, sexually rebelling, and refusing to do anything suggested by a reasoned mother.
 

mother daughters

 
The good news is that this phase doesn’t last forever. Young adult daughters usually come back to their mothers for guidance as they age into their childbearing years.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Fear At The Core

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If your child came from difficult beginnings, YOU may be noticing that there is a fear at the core that there is not 

angry childenough, that they might be left or rejected, and that they have to get what they want at all cost. Despite the current abundance of their home life, that fear fuels many behaviors adoptive parents come to misinterpret as controlling, self-centered, manipulating, and calculated. 

 
angry teenLook again at the behaviors you dislike, define negatively, and work endlessly to stamp out of your child.  These things come from hardwired fear that has long gone into a perpetual, unconscious drive to survive.
 
Punishment for negative behavior is not the answer.  A felt sense of safety IS. Your reassuring parenting–safe words, soft tone, attuned understanding, empathy, structure, nurture, playful engagement, and willingness to be with your child when they feel unlovable and out-of-control–is the pathway to healing. 
 

Mending Heart

It takes a long time to heal fear at the core. That often expert-quoted equation–It takes therapeutic parenting for one month for each year of your child’s age to heal–is wrong.  It is just wrong. Your child needs constant mindful parenting.  Period.
 

Mother love

Don’t give up.
Hang in.
Your perseverance will pay-off in the future.
Broken hearts heal.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

Quick Learner

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Mommy Dearest

I broke my Golden-Self-Care-Vacuuming-Rule this morning–in case YOU don’t know, it is: Vacuum Only Twice A Month no matter the shape of things–and I vacuumed a third time.  I have hardwood floors in my new house, so I am teetering on changing the Golden-Self-Care-Vacuuming-Rule in order to avoid the Retrospective-Self-Disgust-Bad Mother-Rule. I am weighing which one gives me the most grief–exhaustion from compulsive house cleaning or shame from being a bad mother with a filthy house. There it is. That is the dilemma.  What would Mother Teresa do?  
 
Never mind, that was a digression.  While I was vacuuming at 6:30 am, my son interrupted the process by urgently proclaiming, as if the house were on fire,  “Mom! Mom!! I’m a quick learner.”  
 
“Yaaa-yaaa right you are,” I say in my best dismissive Fargo accent. I’m sure my eyes rolled. His face looked slightly crestfallen and he retreated back to readying for school. Honest to goodness, I was just dumbfounded in the moment. QUICK LEARNER could only be printed on a little last place trophy.  You know. the kind of trophy he got from the Participant Trophybasketball team fiasco when he was 7 where he stood center court with both arms raised yelling, “Pick me, Pick me” for 15 games straight. Boy got a trophy. Boy is a tedious learner of the 10,000 drops of water on the forehead kind. Bless his little heart, because he tries really hard, but he is out-of-sync and that doesn’t lend to Quick Learning awards.
 
Still, after a few seconds, I knew what he was talking about. Yesterday, he learned three chords on his new electric guitar all in one day.  Feeling so much pride in himself, he wanted me to be proud, too. Darn it. If only at 6:30 am, before my second cappuccino, in the soothing roar of breaking the Golden-Self-Care-Vacuuming-Rule, I could have realized that.
 
Do over for Mommy Dearest.  “Hey Babe, I’m sorry. I just realized you are really proud of learning those chords and you caught on SO quickly.  I am glad you are proud of yourself and I am proud of you for sure.  You are a quick guitar learner (reframe).” He beamed ear to ear. Being loving is so easy when regulated (after savoring my second non-fat, half-packet-of-sugar, extra-frothy cappuccino with chocolate sprinkled on top.)
 
Ten minutes later, he was leaving for school, guitar and binder in hand. “Have a great day today honey. I love you. “And”…wait for it…”you might want to zip your pants.”  Yaaa-yaaa, right, a quick learner you are. I only thought that last part. I have some self-restraint. Teeny bit.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
earthday1-b.jpg
earthday1-bbar.gif

 

Spitting Mad

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Spitting Mad

Spitting Mad

You’ve heard the terms spitting mad, fighting mad, biting mad, right?  How often do you feel this way in the face of your attachment challenged (or not) child’s persistent behavior that causes you to repeat yourself? If it is often, then you have to do something different!  It won’t just go away. 

 
Up the empathy for the hard places from which your child comes by mantras and affirmations:
  • Even though I feel this rage, I love and accept my child.
  • Even though I have to repeat myself until I explode, I love and accept my child.
  • Even though I feel this rage and shame about it, I love and accept MYSELF.
What are you waiting for?  Do something different.  If you take the time to say any one or all of those mantras before you speak to your child, you will be making the change you want to see in yourself.  That’s the only person YOU can change.
 
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

No Room For Shame

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shamed boy 2If YOU feel abundant shame, YOU may inadvertently be abundantly shaming.  Many of us were parented with a strong nod to shame to keep us following the golden rules.  Sadly, shame IS an effective deterrent to misbehavior for some children–it leaves scares, however.

It was effective with me when I was a kid, sort of.  Actually, as I think about it, I just became more sneaky and ate plenty of parent-induced and self-induced shame pie, as a result. Later in life, I came to see that I had internalized all the shaming. Not only did I see my behavior as shameful, but so was I at the core of my being, shameful.

Everything triggered a shame response inside me–tripping on a crack in Dog Shamingthe sidewalk, being complemented, making a mistake, winning awards, being seen, not being seen, laughing too much, being too much, being TOO much.  My little children’s attachment challenged behavior caused me to spin in terrible shame spirals–“bad parent” shame.  Thankfully, it was my children’s behavior that helped me get over it, too.

Nearly 5 years after I brought my children home, I began to heal and came to a solid understanding (with a lot of therapy of course) that all that shame was unnecessary and that I could keep myself “in line” with love instead.  I could help my children find their self-worth with love, too.

Forgiveness, information, help from someone wise, love from others, from a higher power, and from oneself: These are all healing salve to the shame that binds us.

There is absolutely nothing shameful about having an attachment challenged child who has difficulty in life, but sometimes we parents feel ashamed by comparing ourselves and our children to others and only seeing the ways we don’t measure up. There in lies the shame. Self-love heals shame.  If YOU have abundant shame, get abundant help.  YOU can heal.  Your children can heal, too.
self love
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

Empathy Cools the Jets of Anger

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I am intimate with anger, my own.  My misunderstanding about the meaning of behavior in the early years of parenting made my blood boil.  I really thought my kids’ behavior was purposeful.  It “felt” that way to me.  Those were only my feelings though, not the facts of the matter.  The facts of the matter were more complex and required me to dig deeper into two things: 1) my own history and 2) my children’s history.

Once I realized that the attachment challenge and trauma suffered in my childhood and the attachment challenge and trauma suffered in my children’s early years transformed our normal brains into chemical turbine factories, I had a better way of understanding behavior, which facilitated the growth of my own empathy for myself and for my children.
cool your jets

 

Empathy significantly cools the jets of anger.

If YOU are too familiar with anger in your relationship with your children, then it makes sense to up your empathy through understanding the impact of attachment and trauma on the brain’s function.  In traumatized humans, survival mode is chronic and pervasive.  Turns out it isn’t really that hard to understand from the factual side.  Tornado

However, when you are swirling in a chemical spiral of emotion, it is pretty hard to see the fear at the center of the tornado.

Behavioral symptoms of a traumatized brain:
Emotional Out-bursting
Controlling
Inflexible Reacting
Demanding
Sneaking
Lying
Stealing
Hoarding
Arguing
Defending
Refusing Responsibility
Resisting Parental Authority
Defying Direction
Running Away
Distracting
Opposing

Freezing
Freezing
Freezing

Fleeing
Fleeing
Fleeing

Fighting
Fighting
Fighting

Fearing
Fearing
Fearing

Up your empathy.

Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • The Trust-based Parenting Course  ended last weekend and a good time was had by all, though our back sides are a little sore from all that sitting. Thanks to all of you great parents for your commitment to therapeutic parenting with heart.
  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families.  YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.

Teach Regulation

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Sometimes we parents want things from our children we think they should know already.  Extrapolation, cause and effect, judgment, forethought and regulation are skills that must be taught.  They must be modeled, shaped, expanded, repeated, and taught over and over, as a matter of fact.  Yesterday, Play It Again Sam was my motto.  Today it is, Take Time for Training.  Take A Long Time For Training.

Nothing pleases me more than to see my son stop in mid-sentence, take a purposeful deep breath, and wait until his brain moves from “stuck on blank or nonsense” to engaged conversation.  He does this often without prompting.  And it makes me smile at him every time.  I usually give him a quick acknowledgement for realizing he needed to “regulate” and get on with the conversation.  It is a practice between us now.  I do it sometimes and he does it sometimes.  We are working together to fight our cycle of dysregulation.

I started teaching that breathing thing to him years ago:

  • Stop for a second, honey, and take a deep breath, so you think better about what you are saying. 
  • I need to take a breath because I am getting frustrated. 
  • When you feel overwhelmed, it just means your brain needs a little more oxygen, so breathe deeply a couples times. 
  • There is a big word for what is happening to you when you can’t think the way you want to–dysregulation.  Wacky word.  You should see how it is spelled, too.  Really wacky.  The opposite of that word is regulation.  Easier to spell. When I say regulation, I just mean remember to breathe.
  • Please take a breath so I can understand what you are meaning to say.
  • I am so angry that I need to stop talking right now and breathe.  I’ll come get you in a second so we can finish, okay?
  • I know you don’t want to have to do this, but breathing really helps.
  • It is hard to remember to breathe deeply when you are upset.  Me, too.
  • I feel badgered right now.  I don’t want to yell at you.  Please stop and take a breath cuz I am stopping and taking a breath. Thank you babe.  That really helps me regulate. 
  • I know you don’t want to badger me, but it feels like it.  Can you take a breath and slow down?
  • I just yelled at you because I didn’t take time to regulate.  I’m sorry.  I’m needing to breath more first.  Sorry.  That is my problem. I am working on it.
  • When you rush me as I first come home with your body and words and questions and computer, I get dysregulated.  I need some breathing time before I can actually listen.  Okay?  Can you give me a few minutes please?
  • Every day after I set my bags down, put my things away, and change my clothes after work, I will be ready to talk.  If you can make yourself wait, we will have a better conversation.  Breathing deeply helps me wait sometimes. Maybe you can try it. Deal?


X 10 or 20,000

breathe

Breathe.


Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

  • The Trust-based Parenting Course  ended last weekend and a good time was had by all, though our back sides are a little sore from all that sitting. Thanks to all of you great parents for your commitment to therapeutic parenting with heart.
  • Next Trust-based Parenting Course is scheduled for July 19th and 26th.  Sign up here.
  • Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop for Therapists and Their Partners presented by Jennifer Olden, LMFT and Ce Eshelman, LMFT is scheduled for June 20, 21, 22, 2014.  If you are a therapist and interested in attending, sign up here.
  • Wow, more generous donations have come in to help other families.  YOU are appreciated–Big Love. The Attach Place is embarking on our second round of scholarships for families with adopted children who need services but have no funding to get them. We used up the last of our scholarship money last summer and are ready to start fundraising again. This time we have a pie-in-the-sky, big, hairy, audacious goal of $25,000. If you have a dollar you can afford to contribute, that is how we will pave the way–one dollar at a time. Go to: Love Matters Scholarship Fund. We are working on non-profit status, so these donations can be tax deductible.  Yay!
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.