Tag Archives: parenting special needs children

Fear Silences Me

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Hi Ce–AKA, Child Whisperer,

Annie, Devon and the animals we love

My Kids 10 Long Years Ago

I wrote an email for YOU today that I am afraid to send. Fear overtook me just as I slid my cursor over the send button. I felt silenced by the fear that YOU might feel betrayed by my opinion about who is the best candidate to adopt children. Some of YOU were probably not the best candidates for adopting the children you are now trying desperately to heal. I was not the best candidate to adopt children 15 years ago when I brought my two home. St. Patrick’s Day every year is our adoption anniversary. That day this year my family hugged and we stuffed our faces with Chantilly cake, but the celebration was bittersweet, as it always is.

Frank, KidsAt the end of the month we are moving, and our house is a chaotic mess of boxes for the new place and piles of stuff to go to Goodwill or the dump. I noticed my son seemed kind of melancholy. When I asked what was up, he said this:

I am just taking a little time to think. I have a lot of memories in this house. Not all bad ones. Mom, you probably think I am thinking only about the bad ones, but I have good ones, too. A lot of stuff happened in our house over the last five years. I am also thinking about our putting Phoebe down (today). I will miss her. There is so much change all at once and this is my adoption anniversary. I feel all mixed up inside. I feel sad and weird, excited maybe, about going somewhere new, and about leaving part of us behind.

Sometimes I forget how sensitive my children are inside, because their tender hearts can be so camouflaged by chatter, negative behavior, distraction and destruction. I won’t miss this house a bit. The last five years have been nothing short of harrowing for me. Life with attachment challenged children is beyond challenging at every turn.

These moments of quiet contemplation by my son are precious to me. They give me hope. They warm my heart. They save me. I am packing them in a box for the movers, because there will be harrowing times again, no doubt. When they come, I can pull this memory out and turn it over and around in my head to remind myself of the heart beneath the leather, mine and my children’s.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

 

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Protection and Limit Setting

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Hi Sweet Parent–AKA, Child Whisperer:

Troubled BoyIf you brought home your child 10 years or 10 days ago from a difficult beginning, YOU may be battling profoundly painful shame that is easily triggered into automatic, habituated reactions of fear and resultant negative behavioral acting out. You may get pushed away, insulted, demeaned and rejected at every turn. Your child may take to self-injurious punishment by cutting themselves, hitting walls hard, or taking extreme bodily risks. There may even be disgusting behaviors like smearing feces, peeing on the floor, or eating gross things from the garbage to elicit rejection from YOU.

The overriding goal of healing this child’s broken heart is to demonstrate that no icky behavior is so horrible that it cannot be understood and addressed by YOU. There will be NO HARM here. There will be NO CASTING off.

Setting limits is essential for social rehabilitation, but that can only be done within the context of true safety from abuse or rejection by the parent.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU are earning your moniker every day–Child Whisperer.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

DOWN TO THE DEADLINE…HAVE YOU SIGNED UP!!!
Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014

Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Check out our three blogs:
www.lovestronglovelong.com
www.parentingwithheart.net
www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

Child Whisperers All

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Yesterday, I sent YOU an email about being called a Parent Whisperer. It occurred to me just after I pushed the send button that I am often asking YOU to be Child Whisperers. Our kids buck and kick and rear-up like wild, saddle-shy horses, not cute little puppies licking you to death for attention. Parenting your child is a delicate dance that only YOU can do. You are going to get kicked along the way, but there will be a calm that comes over your home down the road once your bucking bronco learns to trust YOU.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

YOU are earning your moniker every day–Child Whisperer.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

The Parent Whisperer

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I am not meaning to toot my own horn, though the sweet acknowledgement here may seem like it. I received this email from a former client this week and I was tickled by the story. By his permission, I hope you are, too.

Hi Ce,

I was thinking about you the other day when I saw an episode of “Dog Whisper” with Cesar Milan, have you seen this show? At the start of the show he explains how he “Trains owners and rehabilitates dogs.” It was just like you! Train the parents and rehabilitate the children. Cesar Milan talks about “eye contact” and “the energy” the owner conveys; the parallels were fascinating. I don’t want to go too far with comparing children to pets, but what really struck me on the show was the amount of importance Cesar gives to making sure the owner’s emotions and verbal commands are consistent, as the dogs are very perceptive to the emotional environment.

I was (and still am) frustrated with the lack of logic my children convey when we have confrontations. I naively explain to them, “Of course you are late for school, if you would have gotten up with your alarm you would not be late. If you would have gone to bed earlier, you would not be so tired. Why are you yelling at me when I woke you up three times and YOU went back to bed.” I am bewildered by their failure to recognize such linear cause and effect relationships. The Dog Whisperer showed me I did not give my children credit for understanding the situation better than a dog. RAD children are aware of their role in being late, but are even more painfully aware of our emotional interactions and are responding to that: the elevated level of anxiety every time I went to wake them up, the sarcasm in my voice “of course you are late,” and my lack of addressing their emotional needs (the panic that their favorite sweatshirt is dirty, can not be simply addressed by handing them [I wish, honestly on many occasions it was throwing] another perfectly functioning and clean alternative). They have a better understanding of the situation than I really wanted them to have or gave them credit for. With calm eyes and an engaging presence, I had a successful morning today getting my sleepy children out of bed. Both slept through their ringing alarms (how they do this amazes me). I stayed loving and engaged….AND THEY RESPONDED!!!!!!

Thank you Ce! You are a Parent Whisperer!

Ha, this is such a wonderful learning. I just had to share it with YOU. Those of you who know me know that being treated like a dog, in my family, is akin to being treated like the King and Queen of your own little kingdom. Likening parenting children to puppy training (no spanking newspaper in our house) was by no means degrading.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

While I don’t really deserve the moniker, I’m going to keep it.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist and
Parent Whisperer

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

Fear Is A Harsh Master

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Fear is a harsh master. At least once a week a parent confesses to me they are worried they have a budding Adam Lanza in their living room. I mean no disrespect to Adam Lanza and his family. He was a very disturbed young man whose family (guns aside) had tried to get him help for years prior to the Newtown tragedy. And that is the point of what parents are telling me. They are trying to get their child help, nothing seems to work, and they fear the outcome will be tragic.

I know that portentous fear very well. It has sliced me to the bone many times throughout my child raising years. When fear was my master, my parenting was over-controlling, reactive, and down right harsh. Children always mirror parental emotion, rather than parental intention. My fear begot scared, angry, reactive behavior from my children. I could see the reflection of my fear in their eyes.

I know YOU are scared. The antidote is love. That is so touchy feel-y, New Age-y, isn’t it? It just happens to be true. When I wrestled my fear into submission and let go to love with a capital L, my children reflected that back to me. Faking love doesn’t work, so I am not talking about pretending to be loving through gritted teeth. I am talking about surrendering fear and really finding in your heart the courage to love with an open heart. Your children can feel the difference, and in time that love will be the change YOU are looking for in them.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.

Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.

Check out our three blogs:
http://www.lovestronglovelong.com
http://www.parentingwithheart.net
http://www.wisdomforadoptiveparents.com

Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.

Some Days We Just Get Tired

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I don’t know about YOU, but some days I just don’t want to think about parenting at all.  Okay, there, I said it.  Roar!

Teen Sleep

Now I have to go roust up my son from near death, depths of sleep to get ready for school. That’s not parenting. It is life–my daily life and likely yours.

The Attach Place Logo

 
Make the best of it.  It’s the only one you’ve got.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT and Mother
Attachment Specialist
UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:
Get more information and reserve your spot here for our upcoming Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on April 25th, 26th and 27th.
 
Get more information and sign up here for our 10-hour Trust-based Parenting Course for Parents of Adopted, Attachment Challenged, and/or Special Needs Children in Sacramento, CA on March 29th and April 5th, 2014.
 
Check out our three blogs:
 
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too.Click here to sign them up.  All you need is an email address and first name.