Tag Archives: parenting special needs children

Love Matters Bootcamp Day 4–Hope

Love Matters Bootcamp–Day 4. There was once a time in my mothering life when “Despair” was my middle name. I don’t know how I got through it. Must have been some kind of divine intervention. All I know is that I felt like an anvil was embedded in my chest and there was an awful vibration rattling me to the core. I felt like I was going to explode, implode, or both; every day I had to white knuckle this horrible experience in a way that didn’t further harm my already traumatized children. At that time I was sure my kids were never going to grow up and that I was going to combust before they made it to adulthood. I told you it was “Despair.”

Turns out I have a few characteristics hardwired into me that rose to the parenting occasion: seriously die-hard work ethic, blind faith, and a belief in the healing power of love. Together those things buoyed me when I was going under for the third time. I didn’t even know enough to tell myself this, but it turns out it was playing in the background anyway: Just keep going, keep loving, and have faith in what you believe.

If you find yourself living side-by-side your own version of “despair,” take heart. YOU are your child’s best hope for healing. Don’t personalize their trauma reactions. They do grow up. They are better for having YOU. Never give up. Your hard work pays off. YOU just have to wait for it.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is April 8th. Come join us. Online RSVP each month required. Child care provided.

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Hope springs eternal.

Love Matters Bootcamp Day 2–Owning Your Own Sh#*t

Leave a reply

Love Matters Bootcamp–Day 2 starts with “owning your own crap.” I have suddenly become very PC. What is bugging me is my problem.

My son enjoys talking to me a lot of the time. He is doing nothing wrong, but it bugs me; therefore, it is my crap, not his. When I get crazy irritated, it is my irritation. He isn’t making me feel anything. I am responsible for taking care of myself, and, as a mother, helping my son see how his desire to talk can be annoying to others who are not in the listening mood. His talking is not the problem, per se. My not taking care of myself is.

The solution might be managed entirely by me, entirely by him, or by collaboration. If I were to handle it in a vacuum, I could walk away every time I am not in a listening mood or I could announce that I am not in a listening mood the second I realize it. On my own, there is no way to make him stop talking or to have better social skills.

If he managed it entirely, he might stumble upon a social cue that could help him read the listener better, so he knows when enough is enough. He could decide he doesn’t like talking to me and never speak to me again. Then again, he could have some kind of sudden spring into maturity realizing that everyone is not interested in his every thought–we know that is not likely to happen.

If we collaborate, I could ask for what I need from him–some non-talk together time. I could suggest we divine a signal to help him see that I am not in a listening mood. I could help him see the social cue every time I am giving it. If he has trouble observing the cue, I can go back to resolving the problem on my own–leave the room.

Making talking the problem is the problem. Ownership is the answer.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

If I’m bugged, it’s my bug.

Let the Negativity Begin

Leave a reply

Traumatized children bathe in negativity and think the worst. That is a worldview shaped by trauma and hardwired into their forming emotional brain systems in the early years. Then, in order to make sense of things, they believe they are protecting themselves from the worst, by thinking the worst, before the worst happens. It makes perfect sense, even if misguided.

If you understand this, YOU can be prepared for the negativity when it shows up, so you can avoid being dismissive, discounting and disparaging. Those reactions on your part to their predictable negativity will prove to your child that their thinking is correct–the world is mean and unsafe. See how that works?

I know it seems like your child at some point SHOULD be developing a sense of gratitude for what YOU have done. You might think it will eventually dawn on them that they are living a fabulous, abundant life. And then it doesn’t.

Take heart. It will, but YOU have to provide safety and positive experiences to develop your child’s brain forward. In the face of negativity, show acceptance of the fear of the worst and with empathy encourage practice, accept missteps, and assure your child that you will be there to support them no matter what. Do this a zillion times and one day you will see joy and gratitude creep right in.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Accept your child’s point of view

while supporting brave, bold movement forward.

Coercive Therapy

Leave a reply

I read an article this morning about a psychologist in Oregon who primarily treated Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosed children who lost her license and is being held accountable for wrongful doing after an 11-year-old child committed suicide. I don’t know the intimate details of the case, so I am not writing this to you to say shame on anyone, her or the system. I am writing this to you to say that treatment of children with attachment challenges is tricky and needs to be very thoroughly thought through.

Be careful what advice you take. There are coercive therapies still being readily practiced that have been deemed harmful to children. In the early years of having my own children I sought advice from many experts and the prevailing treatment for RAD was coercive. I subjected my own children to recommended interventions, such as strong sitting for too long, forced calisthenics for punishment, therapies that demanded my children scream that they hated me, and lots of pointless hard labor. I did this for about two years before my heart just couldn’t keep going.

I made my children afraid of me through this coercive treatment. I honestly had no idea what else to do and I followed the prevailing wisdom of the therapist I was seeing. Actually, I sought many therapists who did this form of therapy and I did some myself. There is one popular book I still see parents come to me with that I have to dissuade them from using. Every time I ask them not to use the interventions, they say…”But they work.” Coercion works in the short run, but it causes long term-negative effects. Trust me on this.

Over the years, I learned other ways of intervening with love and structure, empathy and understanding. It is both harder and easier in the long run. I had to repair much of the damage my early interventions caused, like fear and hatred in my children toward me. I did that to them, and I will be forever remorseful about it. YOU can know I have made my amends, but it doesn’t undo the damage to our relationships.

Sometimes good therapies are used punitively. Beware of your own desire to punish with perfectly fine interventions. For example, it is okay to ask your children to sit by you until they calm. It is okay to keep them safe by holding them until they can regulate. What isn’t okay is using these things when you are angry and when you want to scare and control your children just because they are naughty and willful. This is the tricky part. It is not healthy for children to be able to hold all the power in a family, so a fine line is necessary.

Here is a link to what is called The White Paper on Coercion in Treatment that sets forth the standards for treatment of attachment challenged children. It is long, about 12 pages, but an essential read in order to protect your children from misguided harm by therapists and by yourself.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

The truth is hard to bear sometimes.

Annoying For Attention

Leave a reply

I have a number of children I work with who annoy for attention. Attention is attention to them regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Some attachment challenged children have difficulty being vulnerable enough to seek attention in a pro-social way. To do that would be to admit that s/he has emotional needs in the first place.

My son has mastered the art of the ridiculous question to get my attention. Last night he came into the room where I was writing with, “Mom, I’m wondering why it is that I really like to go to those swim parks. Why do you think I like them so much?”

Out of the blue from another child, “One time when I was visiting my grandmother’s farm the dog farted so loud the cats ran into the barn.”

“Can you see air?”

“I noticed cats have big eyes.”

“Can we talk? I have a mod and the thingys are cute. Can I show them to you?”

“Mom, I didn’t know you were home. Are you home now?”

“Why do I like cauliflower that way and not the other way?”

“The worst thing to call a teacher is Mrs. P.”

Really?

Our children need attention and they need corrective parenting. They need help seeking attention in a positive way. Give solid eye contact saying, I would love to talk with you about something more interesting or in a voice that I can better listen to or about something more meaningful to you. Here I am. Try again, Sweetie Pie.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Genuine connection is a skill and a gift.

Pigeon Holes Are Tricky

Leave a reply

What we believe about ourselves, we manifest. What we believe about our children, they become. Be careful what YOU believe.

All day today I thought my son didn’t get up in time to go to school. At some point during the day I sent a note to his school saying so. Then in the afternoon I texted him a reminder that no school means no computer. He texted me back, “I’m on my way home from school now Mom.”

Wha?

Because he woke himself up by his own alarm, left no crumbs across the kitchen, and exited kindly without a peep so as not to awaken me from my sleep, I thought he was still cocooned behind his closed bedroom door. I left for work believing he, as usual, did not get himself up and, as promised, I was stridently refusing to be his alarm clock.

My son is pigeon holed in my mind by my beliefs about him. It is wrong of me. He can be a good family member. He was this morning. Once he “gets” something, he usually gets it for good. Of course, there are relapses, but my pigeon hole is not going to be the reason.

What do you believe about your attachment challenged child?

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Believe.

Trauma Messed With Your Child

Leave a reply

If your child had trauma in the early years, then your child is still impacted by that trauma. Trauma is hardwired into the brain. Three specific things are altered by trauma: your child’s perception of self, your child’s perception of others, and your child’s perception of the world. That means that every experience, thought, and feeling your child has is filtered through the lens of traumatized perceptions. EVERY experience, thought and feeling!

Swearing boy

Go put your shoes on, Honey.

NO!

Here is your favorite snack.

I don’t want that!

I love you.

I hate you! And I will never love you! Why did you even adopt me!?!

I know YOU are tired and you find yourself quietly (or even loudly on stressful days) wanting your child to simply act normal, have normal responses to everyday life events, respond normally to interactions, and feel basically normal inside.

Guess what: your child probably can’t. It isn’t on purpose. It’s not because of stubbornness. Opposition is not the root. And defiance is not that fun. Trauma messed with your child’s brain.

Being angry and grief-stricken is natural given the daily frustrations of parenting an attachment and abuse-traumatized child. However, behaving with frustration and anger toward your child for a “brain thing” is harmful and negatively reinforcing to their already distorted perceptions.

self care

What can YOU do?

Don your Big Lady panties (unless you prefer boxers.)

Get support.

Take care of yourself.

Respite is necessary.

Seek

counseling.

Hobbies work. Weekly date night–a must. Tea breaks with friends save sanity. Parent helpers are angels on Earth. Housekeepers and landscapers are peacekeepers. Lightening-up helps. Ask for what you need. Take naps. Take walks. Take breaths. Take heart.

YOU are not alone.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Forgive yourself your shortcomings and wipe the slate clean every day.

Forced Knowing

Leave a reply

Sometimes my compassion for my son is about puddle deep. I just want him to get things he doesn’t get. And yet, I keep trying to force the issue. When will you get that you have to rinse the food monoliths off the plates before you put them in the dishwasher? I know you just learned how not to leave them dirty in the sink, but just add a little step. You would think I was teaching him past participles in Hebrew.

As I think about it, that sentence to him is almost acceptable, but that is because you cannot hear the tone I used when I said it and it would have been nice to truncate that humiliating, When will you get… part.

It is all an executive function thing. I need to chill. Why in the world am I getting all flummoxed about an obvious disability? Oh, right, it isn’t that obvious, but it is a disability. I must choose to tread lightly. I can be way too hard on this boy who comes from very difficult beginnings. Up the compassion. Up the empathy, Ce. YOU can do it. YOU want to do it. YOU have enough love in your heart to be generous. Just do it.

Okay, I will. I declare my home and my mouth Compassion Zones.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place announces the beginning of our monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Come join us. Online RSVP each month required. Child care provided.

Next Trust-based Paren Workshop is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a back-to-back, two-day format. Sign up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

I could helpfully have said, Let’s work on creating a habit of rinsing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.

Our dishwasher will be happier if we do.

How hard is that to say? Sheesh.

Dear YOU No Hashtag

Leave a reply

Turns out it is easier to write a new Daily YOU Time late than it is to send old ones on time. I am letting go of getting it done uniformly every day in favor of just getting on with life the way I enjoy it–one email at a time, when I find the time. I know YOU can relate to this. Doing it all is tough sometimes. Just got to go with the flow, even when the flow is more like Niagara Falls after the thaw.

I don’t know about YOU, but I sometime feel like I am caught in some weird reverse osmosis echo chamber (Scientists, I beg you to resist telling me my science is faulty.) My echo chamber goes something (exactly really) like this on a regular basis.

My son: “Mom, I see you moved my computer from the garage. I was wondering when you were going to do that.”

Me, knowingly lighthearted: “Because it was tempting you to break the rules?”

My son, emphatically: “No, I just keep seeing it when I go down there and I have to resist doing something I know I will get in trouble for.”

Me: “Huh,” with a V-8 smash to the forehead (mine, not his.)

If this unscientific reverse osmosis echo chamber happens at your house, trust this: You child is being literal, not disrespectful. If the words do not exactly match the thoughts, then “No” with a near identical sentiment is going to follow. It isn’t as oppositionally defiant as it feels. It is truly more about rigidity of thought in the executive function part of the brain. Try not to feel corrected by your Munchkin, as that is likely not your child’s intention.

Our children are usually simply trying to be “exactingly” right. Being right is important, because the alternative is being WRONG, which invokes an intolerable shame spiral. Show compassion in the face of this kind of opposition. YOU can take the high road. Your child often cannot.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Paren Workshop is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a back-to-back, two-day format. Sign up online at www.attachplace.com.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Compassion. Empathy. Acceptance. Playful. Love.

#DearMe

Leave a reply

This is a trending YouTube campaign that speaks to our kids. I often do this in my office with teenagers and adults: What would you tell your younger self? It can be very healing and empowering.

I sent my son to school today dressed as an Anime character for Cosplay Day. It was kind of creepy and really kind of fun making the costume together. He already had the neon red hair. When my kids were younger, I shied away from letting them be outlandish on costume days. My fear that they were going to grow into strange people on the edge of society kept me pinned in and them toned down. As it turns out, they both couldn’t wait to turn themselves into attention grabbing characters when they turned 18.

We can’t control our children’s life trajectories. They unfold in their own ways. We can give them love, structure, parental role models, guidelines, support; and the rest is up to them.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day, in a back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.

Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

It’s okay to play.

Wisdom For Adoptive Parents

Support For Parents of Traumatized, Attachment Challenged Children

Tag Archives: parenting special needs children

Love Matters Bootcamp Day 4–Hope

Love Matters Bootcamp Day 2–Owning Your Own Sh#*t

Let the Negativity Begin

Coercive Therapy

Annoying For Attention

Pigeon Holes Are Tricky

Trauma Messed With Your Child

Forced Knowing

Dear YOU No Hashtag

#DearMe

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: