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If Only You Were Different, I Would Love You
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Tag Archives: parenting special needs children
Did YOU Come From Difficult Beginnings?
There is a bit of an ironic truth in the therapist community that many therapists came from “difficult beginnings” and end up becoming therapists on the way to fixing themselves.
Similarly, I think, many adoptive parents came from “difficult beginnings,” too. Along the way of self repair, providing a better life to an adopted child from “difficult beginnings” makes sense. Nothing wrong with that. Actually, it is quite lovely.
The problem with both of these realities is that unhealed therapists and parents from difficult beginnings can find themselves in emotional disrepair as they try to be healing forces in the lives of those they care for–client or child.
Heal thyself.
I wish I had been given, heal thyself, advice prior to adopting children so I could have done my own deep recovery before I mixed my difficult beginning with that of my children. The result was a compounded mess of entangled traumatic material bouncing off the walls. In my house, especially in the beginning, it was hard to say who was the most emotionally dysregulated–me or them.
Individuals with early trauma experience symptoms on a continuum If you answer many of the following questions with a YES, YOU might need support for your own healing. Plain and simple. Heal thyself.
Y or N Do you prefer to recharge your batteries by being alone rather than with other people?
Y or N Did you need glasses at an early age?
Y or N Do you suffer from environmental sensitivities or multiple allergies?
Y or N Do you have migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, or fibromyalgia?
Y or N Did you experience prenatal trauma such as intrauterine surgeries, prematurity with incubation, or traumatic events during gestation?
Y or N Were there complications at your birth?
Y or N Were you adopted?
Y or N Have you had problems maintaining relationships?
Y or N Do you have difficulty knowing what you are feeling?
Y or N Would others describe you as more intellectual than emotional?
Y or N Do you have disdain for people who are emotional?
Y or N Are you particularly sensitive to cold?
Y or N Do you often have the feeling that life is overwhelming and you don’t have the energy to deal with it?
Y or N Do you prefer working in situations that require theoretical skills rather than people skills?
Y or N Are you troubled by the persistent feeling that you don’t belong?
Y or N Are you always looking for the “why” of things?
Y or N Are you uncomfortable in groups or social situations?
Y or N Does the world seem like a dangerous place to you?
(Recognizing the Symptoms of Early Trauma by Laurence Heller, Ph.D.)
Heal thyself. No shame. Only love.
Because Love Matters,
YOU Matter.
Name the Shame
When I was growing up, I am pretty sure my parents read some kind of
parenting book entitled, Shame Your Way to Perfect Children. Or
maybe topping The New York Times best seller list for non-fiction
during those years was a blockbuster book called, Best Kept Secret
For Good Behavior: Shame Works. Sorry Mom and Dad. The secret is
out.
My parents weren’t bad people. They were just doing what their
parents did. It did work pretty well. I didn’t do a whole lot of bad
stuff when I was a kid. I waited until I was away at college. Ha.
So, shame can work with normally attached children. However, there
is a side-effect even for attached children–lingering into adulthood
a negative core belief about self worth that often takes a lifetime
to repair. That’s me.
Shame doesn’t work at all to manage the behavior of attachment
challenged children who have a primal wound from adoption, abuse and
neglect in the early years, or birth trauma in the early years that
gets confused with a poorly formed identity.
You know that blank look, those frozen wide-open doll eyes YOU get
from your children when you confront them on their negative
behavior–that look that implies no feeling, no care, no conscience?
You know that incredible head of steam, that incensed, indignant,
“How dare YOU” bluster they can muster to deny they had any part in
misdeeds. Those two responses are a sure fire indicator that shame is
at work just under the surface and your child is calling upon every
imaginable survival skill to push away the overwhelming experience of
shame, even if that means nonsensical lying, nonsensical denying, or
nonsensical self-silencing.
Here is the real secret. Remove the blame, address the shame, and
attend to what lies beneath–your child’s fear of being bad, wrong,
unwanted and unlovable. Shame of being. How sad it that? Our
children very often feel shame about who they are–and they don’t
even know it. Every day poor decision-making adds evidence to their
internal unconscious argument that they are rotten at the core.
As parents we can work to heal this “bad” feeling in our children.
We just have to be sure that shame is not used in a misguided attempt
to make our children feel something about their negative
behavior–remorse, sorry, sad, bad, anything except nothing.
They already feel bad enough about who they are; extra is not
required.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Next Trust-based Parent Training Course in Sacramento, CA is
September 27, 2014 and October 4, 2014. Sign-up here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/993b85483b/TEST/8d3e730b6f .
Please share freely. Your community of support can sign-up for their
own Daily YOU Time email by clicking here –
http://cts.vresp.com/c/?TheAttachPlaceCenter/993b85483b/TEST/c7ac59da35 .
Commit to withholding shame and in the face of negative behavior
affirm your child’s goodness at the core.
Shake It Off
Good Morning Fellow Parent,
![Shake It Off]( "Shake It Off")
Got up this morning to the usual: Teeth, Deodorant, Zipper? Close, but no trifecta.
Just have to Shake It Off with Audrey and Dad:
Honestly, it has been one of those kid weeks. It’s definitely my house, because the same things happen every day, every day, every day. Shaking it off is the only answer.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
When nothing else makes sense, DANCE.
Fre-Frontal Lobe Damage
I am fond of saying things about the Pre-Frontal Cortex. YOU might have noticed that if you are a long time Daily YOU Time reader. I just like the way it rolls off my tongue. Uh, fingers?
Anyway, our attachment challenged children, as well as any child who comes from difficult beginnings of distressed pregnancy, prematurity, and birth trauma are going to experience frontal lobe (i.e. Pre-Frontal Cortex) damage or delay (if that is easier to think about.)
That part of the brain is responsible for executive functions of memory, theory of mind (e.g. knowing that one’s mind is not the only mind), extrapolation, cause and effect thinking, reason, and ultimately complex judgement and morality.
Dr. James Chandler nicely describes some of the functions this way:
- Working memory and recall (holding facts in mind while manipulating information; accessing facts stored in long-term memory.)
- Activation, arousal, and effort (getting started; paying attention; finishing work)
- Controlling emotions (ability to tolerate frustration; thinking before acting or speaking)
- Internalizing language (using “self-talk” to control one’s behavior and direct future actions)
- Taking an issue apart, analyzing the pieces, reconstituting and organizing it into new ideas (complex problem solving).
Give your child a break when it comes to statements they make like:
I forgot.
I don’t remember how to do it.
I don’t remember what you said.
I got distracted.
I can’t focus.
I can’t think.
I can’t start.
I can’t manage.
I don’t know.
I don’t know how.
I can’t remember how.
I didn’t hear you.
I can’t control it.
I just took it.
I just wanted it.
I just hit him.
I got confused.
I can’t do my homework.
I can’t organize it.
I am trying to organize it.
I can’t figure it out.
I can’t.
I can’t.
I can’t.
Your child probably can’t. This is not bad, lazy, unmotivated, defiant, passive aggressive, attachment disordered, stubborn, stupid, resistant, avoidant, or hateful. Your child needs hurdle-help, brain training, tools, repetition, hands-on experience, skill-building, and your patience.
Pre-Frontal Cortex frontal lobe damage is the problem, not your child.
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Patience and understanding will save your relationship with a child who comes from difficult beginnings. Relationship is love in action.
Love Matters.
Veracity Test
I have the cure for lying. Yep, I have it. You are probably wondering why I am not seriously rich then, because all parents want the cure for lying.
Here it is: Discipline Yourself. Wha?
99% of all child lies are caused by parenting strategies. I know you don’t want to believe that. It actually might even take a paradigm shift for you to see it.
Through my son’s door at 6:15am I ask, “Are you up?”
Rustling himself to his feet, he lies, “Yes.”
“What happened to the ten dollar bill that was on my dresser?”
My son lies, “I was getting my phone and it accidentally flew off over the back.”
“Have you been smoking?”
My son lies, “No.”
“Where have you been?”
My daughter lies, “I was just taking a walk around the block.”
“Did you do your chores?”
My children both lie, “Yes.”
There is a pattern to my parenting strategy above–the veracity test. I almost always ask questions I know the answer to. It is an habituated veracity test that my children fail every time. I am like a moth to the flame. Will I be burned this time? This time? This time. Eventually, the moth is consumed by the flame and the fire burns on. Time after time, I am burned. “See I cannot trust you.” I set the whole thing up.
Want to know something? No child can be trusted 100%. The part of the brain that governs truthful behavior doesn’t finish developing until the late 20’s. Our parenting job is to shape the learning of that part of the brain. Unfortunately most parenting strategies inadvertently activate the survival part of the brain that ultimately creates a delay in the maturity of the reason part of the brain.
My kids come from difficult beginnings. Underneath all their bravado, entitlement, and insatiable demands is deprivation, fear, and a felt sense that no one anywhere is safe. They don’t consciously know this about themselves, but I do.
That’s why the cure for lying is mine to take, not theirs. I need to discipline myself to skip the veracity tests. Why ask a fear-based, habitual liar whether they are lying or not? Why? The answer will always be a lie. It has to be. They fear being rejected, in-trouble, unlovable, wrong, deprived, or caught.
Tip: Start your investigation into problem behavior with adjusted expectations. Expect fear-based lying. Give assurance.
It would sound something like this: “I don’t want to scare you. You are deeply loved and special no matter what.” Give a hug. “You must really have wanted something badly to use money from my purse. After you think about it for awhile, I would like to brainstorm with you ways to get what you want in a more honest way.”
Do we want to punish or do we want to facilitate learning? That is the question.
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
If YOU Knew What I Know
In response to Dear Desperate yesterday, I heard back from so many of YOU. Some with Amen Sister! Some with stories of hell being endured across the country by parents just like YOU. And some from parents who, like me, are mostly on the other side of the daily chaos.
To those of YOU in the thick of it, one day this will calm way, way down. Try to reign in your fear of all things horrible happening, and take each day as it comes. Some days will feel like a springtime and others like Tsunamis. One day after the other, year by year, your children will grow, mature, and begin to take conscious steps on their own. Our challenged kids learn to live the way a baby learns to walk. They fall down a lot over the course of their childhoods and teen years. Stuff gets broken. Little by little, with our healing support and the support of the community, they begin to crawl, then walk. Their gaits are not always steady by the time they reach adulthood, but they fall way less often. And for that YOU will be joyous and feel triumphant beyond your wildest imagination.
To those of YOU out of the thicket and into the sun, embossed Super Parent Under-Armor all around. Wear it proudly beneath your togs. Your lives are like Snoopy Dances to my soul. If all parents knew what I know about the end game, they would feel more hopeful. I have tons of hope, because YOU tell me your stories and I have one of my own. Also, I get to be a small part of the journey with many of YOU. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Yep, filled with hope is the way to go. Hope makes the cobblestones a little less painful under your bare feet as you wind your way through dark valleys and up the steep cliffs to lighter days on the mountaintop.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014. Email for more information: jennifer@attachplace.com.
Dear Desperate
Maybe I need to address this differently.
Dear Desperate,
I know that YOU are at your wits end. YOU have tried everything. Nothing, I mean, NOTHING works. Nothing! I know that sickening feeling in my bones–that exhausted, weary, battered feeling of despair and powerlessness that seeps into everything you say and do. It makes your work an escape, your marriage a war zone, your parenting a desperate nightmare you never wake up from.
This is the point where the rubber hits the road and you are challenged to stay in the game of life with your extremely emotionally disturbed and disturbing child. You have been hit, bit, spat upon, and that isn’t even the half of it. You have felt rage, the depth of which you never imagined. You have wanted to (or maybe you have) hit your precious child. You want to leave your marriage, kill yourself, run away forever, or you may even fantasize about taking the whole family over the side of the bridge together. You endlessly feel regret, focus on how it used to be, and wrestle with overwhelming tidal waves of guilt and shame, as you ruminate about life without your child.
Okay, maybe YOU haven’t experienced all of that, but plenty of it, right? I could tell you to get help, but I know you already have. YOU are doing everything you can think of and nothing is working to make your child the one you thought you were adopting. I know you thought that therapy and love and a good family was going to change that little brain that was harmed before s/he ever came home to YOU. And now you think none of that works and none of it matters.
What can I say to YOU that will make it better? Maybe nothing, except, “Me, too.” YOU are not alone, but it sure feels like it. I know this is going to seem impossible, but there are a lot of things that you have to do for YEARS before change occurs and, even then, your child is still likely going to need more parenting than one or two people can provide.
1. Get regular respite. YOU cannot do this without space from your child for your own amygdala to get out of cascading neurochemical flooding. I am talking about weekly childcare so you can go out; hire a daily in-home child-care worker to help with daily routines; find weekend respite once a month, etc.
2. Enlist family and neighbors to learn about complex developmental trauma and emotional dysregulation in children from difficult beginnings. Family members can only be helpful if they are educated and informed. When someone asks if they can help, say yes and get them up to speed on what YOU really need.
3. Face it: YOU have to be a therapeutic parent. YOU don’t get to be just a mom or just a dad. You actually must practice trust-based parenting strategies and sensory engagement consistently–consistently. Use life scripts. Use routines. Use correction strategies. Do it over and over and over and over. It matters, but it takes years sometimes for the scripts to kick in and the strategies to make new neural pathways. That is what you are doing for your child–creating new neural pathways. That is hard work that requires playful engagement and repetition to the point of tears. Do it like a meditation.
4. Get help for your marriage, if you still have one. Our children split their parents and parents turn on each other. YOU cannot be in a relationship war and simultaneously stay out of parenting hell. You need more than a “pretend” united front. Get help to get more.
5. If you are feeling even half of what I wrote about above, then you are likely suffering from Post-Adoption Traumatic Stress. It is a REAL thing. You need help, or YOU might actually hurt someone. At the very least, your child will not get better without you healing your knee-jerk reactions. Those are trauma induced reactions. YOU need to help yourself–put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Consider: yoga, meditation, neurofeedback, medication, therapy, Brainspotting, EMDR.
6. If YOU really have done it all and you cannot find a way to live with the chaos, look for residential treatment. This can help when YOU cannot give another ounce. I know it feels like abandonment, but it isn’t. YOU are always going to be the parent. You will be engaged in treatment until your child comes back home to you. It is not a magic bullet. Trust me on this. But, it can help everyone’s trauma resolve and routines to be established. There will be plenty of work left when your child returns home. Did I mention trusting me on this? Been there, too.
7. Be gentle on yourself and on your child. Children are not like this to “mess” with YOU. They are like this when they have been harmed in the early years. You are not like this because you want to “mess” with your child. You are traumatized, too.
This is hard, unfair, unreasonable, scary, and life altering, but YOU can do it. I didn’t think I could, and I did. So can YOU.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014. Email for more information: jennifer@attachplace.com.
Stuck In Numb
One form of protection the human organism has built-in to protect from the overwhelming emotions of trauma, abandonment and maltreatment is dissociation. Dissociation can be viewed on a continuum from numbing to splitting off parts into personality fragments. These are heady concepts that need real study to fully understand, though YOU may be experiencing it every day in your child(ren) without really knowing what it is.
If your child seems to have few highs and few lows and has the appearance often of sleepwalking, you are likely living with a child who is “stuck in numb,” in a dimmer switch state or breaker switch state. Dimmer switch state is like being wrapped head-to-toe in foam where all feelings are dulled and muted. Breaker switch state is like being “shocked” into feeling nothing at all. Questions like “What do you feel?” are met with confusion or persistent responses of “I don’t know.”
Treatment is necessary for dissociated children. Without it, your child will likely grow somatic or psychological conditions that plague for a lifetime
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Huge shout out to those of YOU who have given so generously to our Love Matters Scholarship Fund. YOU know who YOU are: Mary, Patti, Sharon, Mike, Ann, Greg, Sarah, Tom.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- This upcoming weekend we are holding our Trust-based Parent Training. Sign up here.
- Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014. Email for more information: jennifer@attachplace.com.
- Save the Date: Next Trust-based Parent Training is September 27th and October 4th, 2014. Email for more information: ce@attachplace.com.
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.
I recommend YOU Read This If YOU Haven’t
I recommend YOU read this if YOU haven’t.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Huge shout out to those of YOU who have given so generously to our Love Matters Scholarship Fund. YOU know who YOU are: Mary, Patti, Sharon, Mike, Ann, Greg, Sarah, Tom.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
- This upcoming weekend we are holding our Trust-based Parent Training. Sign up here.
- Save the Date: Next Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend is September 19, 20 and 21, 2014. Email for more information: jennifer@attachplace.com.
- Save the Date: Next Trust-based Parent Training is September 27th and October 4th, 2014. Email for more information: ce@attachplace.com.
Feel free to invite your friends and family to receive Daily YOU Time emails, too. Click here to sign them up. All you need is an email address and first name.
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 