Tag Archives: Reactive Attachment Disorder

Evolution of a Disorder

Don’t forget to let your children emotionally evolve. I wish there were a shorthand way of saying my formerly diagnosed reactive attachment disordered child (FDRAD has so many possibilities), so I can pay homage to the history without sticking my children firmly in the past.

The history is important because there are residual effects of RAD long into adulthood. Still, RAD is not the primary issue into adulthood. The FDRAD issues usually revolve around attention, dysregulation, poor decision-making, lack of motivation, and delayed maturity. While these are significant issues, they are not attachment issues, per se; they are executive function issues.

Poor executive function is the result of regulation difficulties in early childhood due to attachment challenges and trauma on the brain. So, regulation is the ultimate goal of all treatment. Be sure regulation is being addressed in your therapeutic model at every age.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is October 14th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us. Online RSVP each month required when you need child care.

The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month. Our next course dates are October 10th and 24th. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Take a look at The Zone’s of Regulation curriculum if your therapist hasn’t already implemented it. Turns out it is effective for teaching regulation to any age child or adult (including yourself.)

When YOU Are Abused

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Traumatized children can be quite abusive to YOU and other children in your family. This is one of the more disturbing realities of adopting children who have been abused, neglected and abandoned. They often live on high alert in a dysregulated state, so it doesn’t take much for them to go from zero to 60. If you are in the way, YOU will get hurt.

Prepare yourself for the truth that it requires a certain amount of emotional and physical engagement to raise a hurt child. YOU will likely get punched, kicked, bitten, spat upon, and yelled at. YOU may get this on a regular basis while you are trying to create a sense of felt safety for this very same child. It will dysregulate you, scare you, and at some point it may cause you secondary trauma akin to posttraumatic stress.

It is up to YOU to decide when you cannot maintain a consistently safe home for your child. I know you are getting all the help that is available to you. If you hit that wall, you do. No shame. There are limits to a parent’s ability to hold the stress, emotional duress, and physical insults of trauma re-enactment. YOU decide when enough is enough. It is not your therapist, your doctor, your mother or best friend’s decision. It is solely up to you and it is okay to decide that your beautiful child needs a higher level of care than you can provide at home.

That decision will break your heart (I know all too well), but it may just save your relationship with your child (which I also know quite well). That is the ultimate goal–get your child consistent, patient, informed, and safe treatment for the trauma that cannot be addressed at home. That does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a traumatized parent who needs help to help your child. Once again, no shame. There are limits to everyone’s capacity. If you hit yours, do yourself, your child and your family a favor and get a higher level of trauma intervention outside your home.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is June 10th at 6pm. Come join us. Online RSVP each month required. Child care provided.

We had a fun first half of the 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course over the weekend. Looking forward to Day 2 on Saturday. Next course–July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

There is a place for residential treatment

in healing the wounds of childhood abuses.

YOU will not be “giving up”; you will be “giving in” to more help.

Blessings Come In Strange Ways

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I have been keeping a little (read: BIG) secret from YOU, because I learned real quick from family and friends that I was, perhaps, a little out of mind. Then I realized that YOU already know I am a little out of my mind, so why hide from YOU, right?

Okay, as you might recall I tried to move my 18-year-old attachment challenged son out of the house into a sheltered living environment nearby, but caved after his very genuine hiccuping sobs streamed rivers down his face. He clearly wasn’t ready to leave Mom, just because Mom was ready for him to leave.

Fast forward six months and here I am moving my son’s 19 year old girlfriend into our extra bedroom. Stop gasping. I know. Trust me, I know because my husband hasn’t stopped rolling his eyes into the back of his head since I mentioned it to him. As a matter of fact, I am sure they are permanently stuck that way. He looks very silly.

Here’s the thing: She is a severely attachment challenged teen who aged out of a group home straight into a homeless shelter. How is that possible? Of course I have heard of these things happening, but I have never been as close to it as this. She and my son are like mirror images of each other–two peas in a pod, as it were. I just had to open our home. I had to.

I don’t talk a lot about blessings because I am not really that kind of person. However, this decision is a true blessing to me. When I adopted little children, it was not a bit altruistic. It was purely selfish, because I wanted children and couldn’t have them myself. When my kids turned out to feel less than thrilled to have me as their mother, I slowly evolved to the place I probably should have been in the first place–raising children for the love of the children, rather than to meet my need to be a mother. On the flip side, having my son and his girlfriend in the house brings laughter, sweet silliness, quiet sitting, walking the dog, and lively hikes to the gelato store. I feel like I have died and been reborn into a family. Even if the honeymoon only lasts a week or two, I will remember this feeling forever.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Blessings coming in strange ways.

Mindfulness Is A Door

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Mindfulness is a door into regulation. YOU can help your child learn to tolerate feelings, rather than try to get away from them. In this way, the window of emotional tolerance widens. Our complex traumatized children have very narrow windows of tolerance for any heightened emotion, including excitement.

What do you do to get them to tolerate their emotions? Find a form of meditation the family can do at any time to find the still point inside themselves.

There is a fun box of cards you can purchase on Amazon called Yoga Pretzels. I love this box because it is fun for kids to do. Get them to hold their poses as long as they can. That is the still point.

Sitting Criss Cross Applesauce, placing hands palm up, and slowly letting out a low key OOOOMMMM is the still point.

Lighting a candle and focusing on it is finding the still point.

Western culture is not very good at promoting stillness. We are much more about distraction, addiction, avoidance, and denial. Finding the still point is probably the single most effective way to improve the quality of our lives–sit quietly in the still point 5 minutes every day and see how your life changes–if you dare.

Be playful with your kids and tell them you are learning to find the quiet spot inside your mind. Ask them to sit with you silently and see if they can find it inside themselves. Do this for one minute every day for a week. Build up to five minutes over five weeks. When the whole family finds the still point inside their minds each day, there is a small reward. YOU are in charge of the reward (make it small, but fabulous so they want to do it again and again and again.)

Quiet sitting can compel mindfulness when dysregulation is at hand. Stop, drop and OOOMMM. Hold it as long as you can and start again. Make it fun. Allow for silliness. YOU are encourage a bit of quiet regulation, then you can release your child meditators back to play–the real language of children.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

“…Except for the point, the still point,

There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”

–T.S. Elliott

Dear Grandparents, Extended Family, and Friends

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By request, these are some pointers for grandparents, extended family, respite providers and friends on how to support parents with attachment challenged children.

Dear Grandparents, extended family, and close friends:

I want you to know how much your love and support mean to me. Without you, I would truly be on a very small island. Here are some things recommended by an attachment therapist to help you understand and support the healing in our family.

Please understand:

My child has Complex Developmental Trauma. That is a combination of trauma and attachment challenge from early childhood maltreatment and abandonment. This means that my child and I are working at learning to have a balanced emotional life together and to heal from internalized negative messages about parents, self, and the world.

No matter how it seems, I love my child and sometimes it is more a love “commitment” than a love “feeling.” Please don’t judge me for my frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, grief and wounded feelings. Yes, I did sign on the adoption line and I do take responsibility for my decision. Still, the magnitude of the disruption to my sense of well-being is stunningly painful.

My child deserves love and kindness, and I do my best to provide that every minute. Sometimes I fail. I feel bad about myself when that happens, so you don’t have to find a delicate way of telling me so. It would be really great if you noticed out loud to me the loving things I do for my child.

Since I love my child, it will not be helpful for you to tell me how awful my child is or how great my child is. I see it all. I really just need you to listen when I need someone to talk to about “me,” when I am on my last nerve, or when I need to celebrate a small breakthrough.

Dysregulation (uncontrolled upset) is my middle name. My child’s Complex Developmental Trauma has an impact on me that even I have a hard time coming to terms with. Offer me a listening ear, a cup of tea, a pedicure or a shoulder massage because I need a break more than I need anything.

You have no idea how much I really appreciate it when you are willing to care for my child, so I can rest and rejuvenate. I think you are amazing. When you do give me respite, it is very important that you follow my stated rules with my child; otherwise, your kindness will backfire on me when my child comes home. My child cannot have more fun or excitement with you than there is at home. This will be hard for you, but my child needs to be regulated emotionally while in your care. Too much fun, excitement, change, and freedom will only serve to dysregulate and cause a split between my child and me. Please don’t think spoiling, paying extra close attention, listening to wild, made up stories or “siding” with my child against me will help my child. It will destroy my child’s connection with me. Please do not do anything that will destroy my child’s connection with me. I am working every second to create that connection and it only takes a couple of visits with a well-meaning, overly solicitous family member or friend to set my child’s attachment with me into reverse.

My child can be an angel in front of you. Attachment challenge is usually between the child and the parents. Others may never see it. Please believe I am not making this up and I am not crazy. My child is not a victim of my inability to love. My child has been a victim in the past and still feels that way inside. I am not the creator of this world view. I am the healer of this world view for my child, and it is hard for me to be balanced enough all the time to be healing. That is my constant struggle. You can know that and empathize with my mission to save the heart of my child.

You may not know this, but traditional parenting doesn’t work with my child, so please don’t give me traditional parenting advice. I don’t actually need advice, and I sure don’t need anyone to tell me that I need to give more consequences or rule with an iron fist. I am using a therapeutic parenting approach that I have learned can heal the complex trauma my child experiences. Please trust me on this.

Finally, very few people want to spend time with my family right now. I am isolated and lonely. Any time you lovingly reach out to me feels like water in a desert. I may not reach back very much, but that is because I am emotionally exhausted and I don’t want to feel like a burden to you. Please check in with me. I need you. I love you. I appreciate you.

I hope this helps.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When YOU helpers get it, we parents feel 10 tons

lift from our shoulders.

We Are Amazing

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My life is being run by dogs, cats and kids. I wake to the whine of my weeping-eyed, black lab resting his giant head about an inch from my face. My cat made sure I was alerted off and on throughout the night by walking back and forth across my pillow (and thus my face.) Silver lining, I was awake and ready if burglars ascended. They didn’t. When I get into the kitchen to give that whiny dog his morning chewy (yes, I know, I trained him to whine at 5:30am by feeding him treats), I see a formerly clean sink now full of dirty dishes with telltale crumbs and peanut butter smeared everywhere. When did that happen, I was up all night watching for burglars? Then my son literally crawls into the living room telling me I have to drive him to school today because of xyz, which he forgot to tell me.

Frankly, I can’t wait to get to the office. I love my work, though I do have to swing back by school at noon to take the boy to the dentist. Sometime in the night my daughter texted that she needs money to buy FOOD, again, and can I bring it by before 11am because they are really hungry.

Uh, no. No, I can’t. Sorry honey. Recycle some cans.

We parents are amazing humans, AMAZING!

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

P.S. While I was writing this, my son crawled back into the living room to tell me, “Nevermind Mom, I’m sick and yes I DID puke in my shoes MOM!” The kid knows me.

Okay, go back to bed, sweetheart, and give up your laptop on the way.

Silver lining, I don’t have to take him to the dentist at noon. Lunch anyone?

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When they turn 18, they usually aren’t ready to fly. Breathe.

Upcoming C.A.S.E. (Center for Adoption Support and Education) Webinars

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FYI: These webinars have been quite interesting and meaty. If you register ASAP you could get in free, otherwise they are $25.00 each.

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Search and Reunion in Domestic and International Adoption

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The media loves stories about adoption reunion, presenting them as dramatic, intense and emotionally heartwarming. For those involved, the reality is much more complex. After a brief overview of the common questions and concerns that are part of this experience, Ellen Singer, LCSW-C, will moderate a panel of adult adopted persons, a birth parent and an adoptive parent. Participants will learn how to 1) prepare for this unique experience and 2) address the common relationship challenges that can surface after reunion. (LIVE) Thurs, May 21, 2015 @ 1:00pm-2:30pm EasternExtended Access: May 22-28, 2015Thanks to Jockey Being Family, the first 300 registration spots are free! Use coupon code SEARCH101

$25.00

Search and Reunion in Domestic and International AdoptionWEB109

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Emotional Regulation and Relaxation Techniques for Parent and Child

Children who have experienced early childhood abuse, profound neglect, or other traumas often have difficulty regulating their emotions and behaviors, lack the skills to self-regulate and also resist co-regulation attempts from their parents. This is the result of the negative effects of prolonged or reoccurring arousal of the fight, flight or freeze response. Although much progress can be achieved with attachment-focused therapies and parenting techniques, these interventions may not include a neuro-physiological component specifically targeting the child’s bodily experience of regulation or dysregulation. C.A.S.E. therapist, Penny Zimmerman, LCSW-C, will introduce message, relaxation, sensory and mindfulness techniques parents can easily put to use at home to improve this area of functioning for their child(ren). The webinar will include a combination of lecture, hands-on practice, and Q/A. Attending with a friend or partner is encouraged, but not required.

(LIVE) Thurs, June 18, 2015 @ 1:00pm-2:30pm EasternExtended Access: June 19-24, 2015

$25.00

Emotional Regulation and Relaxation Techniques for Parent and Child WEB110

Thank you for supporting The Center for Adoption Support and Education – a non-profit adoptive family support center. Since 1998, adoption-competent experts at C.A.S.E. have dedicated their work to ensuring the well-being of foster an

Control Issues Galore

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Traumatized children have an inordinate need for control. Well, as I write that, I realize that they actually have a justified need for enormous control. After all, before YOU, the people who were supposed to be in charge, in control, obviously weren’t.

If you find yourself, your child’s siblings, and peers constantly angered by the mighty Control Chihuahua in your child, consider implementing some of the following things (but don’t do any of them if you cannot follow through consistently.) Children cannot give up control if you give them all the control, because they will not feel safe. So be aware this is shared power YOU give, not YOU giving in, giving up and letting go of your little Chihuahua to shred up your life.

Allow your child to decorate and organize the bedroom space.
Once a week on a specific day you select, allow your child to choose between two menu items what the family will eat for dinner.
Share power around choice of two after school activities once in awhile.
Give two choices often, but don’t allow your child’s choice of a third option you didn’t offer.

If you allow your child to be in control in appropriate ways there will be room for your child to relax in other ways. This is not a fast solution, but over time the enormous need subsides.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is May 13th. Come join us. Online RSVPeach month required. Child care provided.

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Who has the control issues: YOU or your child?

Mother’s Day 2015

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Hello Ce,

I am not particularly fond of just one day singled out to celebrate mothers (probably because of the massive messes I have cleaned up in the kitchen on Mother’s Day over the years), but I am a fan of yours.

Happy Mother’s Day to all YOU Mom and Dad heros.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Behind every superhero is a superhero mom!

Self-Care

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The words “self-care” must have concrete meaning to YOU. Every day, what is your self-care? If your answer is a big question mark, then know this, YOU will eventually break down under the constant stressors of raising a traumatized, attachment challenged child.

Better proactive than reactive, right? Don’t wait until you have a stress disease, depression, massive dysregulation, cancer, etc. to think about yourself. Put that darned oxygen mask on! YOU matter.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Next 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course is planned for May 16th and May 23th, 10am to 3pm each day. Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When you care for yourself, you care for your family.

Wisdom For Adoptive Parents

Support For Parents of Traumatized, Attachment Challenged Children

Tag Archives: Reactive Attachment Disorder

Evolution of a Disorder

When YOU Are Abused

Blessings Come In Strange Ways

Mindfulness Is A Door

Dear Grandparents, Extended Family, and Friends

We Are Amazing

Upcoming C.A.S.E. (Center for Adoption Support and Education) Webinars

Control Issues Galore

Mother’s Day 2015

Self-Care

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