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Author Archives: Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Punishment vs. Consequences
Most traditional parenting strategies will not work longterm with an attachment challenged child. However, it is important to allow natural and logical consequences to persist in your child’s life because it is the way of the world and children need to understand that over time. Still natural and logical consequences will likely not create huge behavior change.
A natural and logical consequence becomes punishment when you deliver it by withholding love and giving anger, disapproval, rage, put downs, rejection, hopelessness, and dismissiveness.
Negative emotional “consequencing” is punishment. It doesn’t work longterm to change behavior and it slices gashes on the heart of your relationship with your child. That punishment lasts a lifetime.
A loving, short talk is a logical consequence. That will change behavior faster than your expressed rage, disappointment, disgust, anger, frustration, rejection or dismissal.
Why?
Because a loving relationship changes the heart (otherwise known as the brain) of your child. Win-win.
It Gets Better When YOU Get Better
YOU are the most important healing factor in the life of your child. Parent heal thyself. YOU need to get out of a boiling pot of water in order to cool off. Otherwise, YOU boil to death. Without YOU, your child is lost.
I know it feels impossible to get a break. It simply isn’t impossible. It is hard. YOU can find the support YOU need if YOU truly put yourself on the front burner.
Do it. Your child needs YOU to do it.
Attachment Panic–Freeze
Previously this week, I wrote about attachment panic reactions–fight and flight–and today’s topic is the third reaction in the trilogy, freeze. You will recall that attachment panic is often triggered when an attachment challenged person perceives deprivation or withdrawal of another’s love. The cellular memory of early deprivation and loss causes a reaction of fight, flight or freeze.
This is freeze:
When your 6 year old cuts her long hair on one side up to her ear and she faces your displeasure mute with wide open eyes while you ask her what in the world she was thinking; when your 15 year old glazes over like an ice statue when you approach him about stuffing his dirty laundry back into his drawers instead of the washer; when your 3 year old collapses to the floor in a fetal position just as you are leaving for work; when your 12 year old stares at you expressionless while yawning just as you are making a poignant point; when you see those blank, death grip, deer in the headlights, lights on no one home, checked out, empty faced stares, YOU are experiencing attachment panic freeze.
Try to remember that this is pure fear. Take a deep breath or a little time out to regulate yourself, lower your intensity and voice tone, and soften your eyes, because you are scaring your child to death (again) if you don’t. Nothing they have done is worth that.
Attachment Panic–Flight
Attachment panic can be as brutal for the attachment object (YOU) as it is for the person experiencing it. Attachment panic can occur when an attachment challenged person is triggered by perceived deprivation or withdrawal of another’s love. The cellular memory of early deprivation and loss causes a reaction of fight, flight or freeze.
This is flight:
When your 8 year old says nonsensical, random things when you are trying to make connection before you leave for work; when your 4 year old takes off running, forcing YOU to chase her to get her teeth brushed; when your 16 year old retreats to his room before you get two sentences out about the chores not being done; when your 12 year old loses about 8 years of brain power as you confront her on the family computer browser history that shows visits to unsavory websites; when these kinds of mind boggling events occur, YOU are experiencing attachment panic flight.
Try to step out of the trap of making sense of flight behaviors. They don’t make sense in the context of the moment. However, in the context of your child’s inner world fleeing from feelings of deprivation or fear of losing your love makes perfect sense.
Words Are Like Claws On Scared Cats
Attachment panic can be as brutal for the attachment object (YOU) as it is for the person experiencing it (your attachment challenged child or spouse.) Attachment panic can occur when an attachment challenged person is triggered by perceived deprivation or withdrawal of another’s love. The cellular memory of early deprivation and loss causes a reaction of fight, flight or freeze.
Comprehensive Attachment Therapy
This is fight:
When your three year old says with conviction, “I hate you” or “I only love Daddy,” as you head out the door for work; when your 11 year old lofts a hefty F-bomb at YOU, as you lovingly cajole him up in the morning for school; when your insecurely attached wife snidely quips how little she thinks of your love-making skill, as you pack for a 10-day business trip; when these kinds of things fly out of the mouth of someone in attachment panic, there is a brutality to it as sharp as claws on scared cats. The words dig in, then drag across your heart leaving a trail of painful imprints that fester for days before they fade away. Sometimes the scars last a long time after the painful event has been forgotten.
Try to step out of the way of attachment panicked words, they are not meant to drive YOU away, but rather to pull YOU in.
Welcome to Wisdom For Adoptive Parents
I write this blog every day for parents of children with attachment challenges. This is usually adoptive children; however, many times people find themselves here who are seeking information about parenting children with special needs. YOU are welcome. This blog is referred to as Daily YOU Time–Wisdom for Adoptive Parents. I hope you can see what that means after reading a few posts. My goal is to support you in doing the most difficult job on Earth–parenting attachment challenged children.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Attachment Specialist
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents 